TITLE - THE FOX AND THE HOUND
FANDOM & CATEGORY - Naruto, family/general
PAIRING(S) - none
RATING - PG
WARNINGS - breastfeeding
SUMMARY - AU one-shot. The Third Hokage goes looking for a family he can con into adopting a newly-orphaned vessel named Naruto.
NOTES: Am still quite fond of a certain ninja clan, and it probably still shows. :) (My root canal went just fine, in case anyone was wondering, but it would appear that all the pain medications I was taking to get some mild relief actually gave me an ulcer. And let me tell you, that's almost as painful.)

Sarutobi, sensei to the Legendary Three, the Third Hokage, a man who managed to survive his career long enough to retire, widely considered to be one of the strongest ninja living… was in a terrible, terrible conundrum.

He could handle a village in ruins, could help the survivors pick up what remained of their lives, piece together the aftermath, and bury the dead. But he floundered helplessly when it came to bottle-feeding babies. And the Chuunin assigned to him, when he agreed once more to take up his mantle as Hokage to replace the one who had so valiantly sacrificed himself for the village, were all conveniently missing – especially when it came to changing dirty diapers.

The blond babe, robust in size and volume, was making his hungry displeasure known to the Hokage. He was also making it known to everyone outside Sarutobi's office, the entire floor, everyone located above and below the floor, anyone within hearing range of his open windows, and quite possibly the dead.

Sarutobi sighed and pulled his hat low over his eyes, tried stuffing the rubber nipple back into Naruto's mouth, and then groaned when Naruto bit it off and spat it at him. Sarutobi hefted Naruto to eye-level and glared. "You're doing this deliberately."

Naruto also somehow managed to spit in Sarutobi's eye amidst all the screams.

Sarutobi swaddled Naruto within his Hokage's cloak. This simply wasn't working. He had tried to find a normal family willing to foster Naruto into their heart when he learned that Naruto's mother had died from complications of childbirth, but none were willing to look beyond the seal that imprisoned the fox demon. He then tried to mother Naruto to prove that there was nothing to fear from a baby who was only four days old, but he had the strangest feeling that his mothering was going to be the death of either Naruto or him.

It was time to take drastic measures.

It was time to pawn Naruto off to someone more skilled at mothering than he was - another ninja, one who was reckless enough to discard any consequences of a demonic vessel. Sarutobi was man enough to know he would, in the long run, do more harm than good to Naruto. He was also human enough to admit that he wasn't above groveling, pleading, and bribing if need be. So he dipped a new pacifier in sake and stuffed it into Naruto's mouth. When he left the building, the alcohol had made Naruto a sleepy and subdued angel.

The better for which to deceive you, my dear, Sarutobi thought wryly.

*\^_^/*

Since Naruto was too young to be fed solids and thus still needed liquids, Sarutobi decided that what he really, really needed was a motherly person who could double up as a wet nurse. Someone who would not fear the bearer of the nine-tailed fox demon sucking from her tit. Someone who was producing milk, which meant she was close to, or already had, given birth.

Sarutobi had a fairly good idea who to try, since the names of the various Chuunin and Jounin on maternal leave were clear in his head (and neatly written in the little notebook he had oh-so-conveniently tucked away in a pocket, just in case his memory was spotty). He immediately dismissed the Uchiha and Hyouga clans for the simple fact that their pride as the top families in Konoha would never permit a stranger to suckle from their wives.

He also immediately discarded those women who had given birth within the past few weeks, because even he had to admit that inflicting two newborns on a woman was just a little on the cruel side. (That, and there was no way he wanted to get on the bad side of either the Yamamoto or the Nara wives…)

That left two choices: Inuzuka, and Akimichi. He knew that the Akimichi never turned hungry people away from their doorsteps, because their generosity, hearts, and larders were as large as their stomachs. He also knew that the Inuzukas valued, adored, and fiercely protected their puppies – both canine and human.

And because of those dog-liked qualities, he decided his first attempt would be Inuzuka Tsume. (Foxes, Sarutobi cleverly reminded himself, were canines also.) If that failed, then Naruto would be suitable hungry enough that Mrs. Akimichi would feed Naruto, and that would be as good a time as any to con the woman into keeping him.

He located Tsume, along with six dogs, four chew toys, one stick, and both of her children, behind her house where the dog kennels were located. Tsume stood amongst the dogs, directing Hana in how to put harnesses on the dogs for carrying supplies. Tsume wore her own sling and harness, which kept Kiba secure to her torso and her hands free to show Hana how to loop, connect, and secure various straps and buckles.

Tsume didn't look up at Sarutobi's approach, but she made a subtle hand sign to the dogs when two began to growl as he drew near. "I thought I smelt tobacco," she said by way of greeting as little Kiba began to fuss and squirm in his sling. Without preamble, Tsume jerked up her shirt and guided Kiba to her left nipple.

"How are you doing?" Sarutobi asked, smiling brightly down at Hana as she silently studied him. Her nose twitched before she sneezed.

"Fox!" the child declared, pointing an accusing finger at him. The dogs began to growl again, but Tsume silenced them with another wordless hand sign.

"We were doing fine," Tsume said with a voice that held a friendly warning. There were dark shadows under her eyes, and he was sure that they weren't just from having to deal with a three-month old baby.

"I'm glad to see you came out of the battle physically unscathed," Sarutobi continued, ignoring how the dogs continued to keep their hackles raised and their teeth barred.

"My lover is dead." Tsume placed one careful arm against Kiba's sling and pressing him a little closer to her body. "But I suppose," she added with a deceptively light voice, "since the Inuzuka women don't claim husbands and usually aren't inclined to keep their male children, that it's not as important as an official widow."

Sarutobi considered his words carefully. Unmarried that she and Tsuchi Rafu had been, they'd also been lovers for better than ten years and he the biological father of both her children. Sarutobi was fairly sure that the lurking malice and resentment in Tsume's voice wasn't meant for him, but was rather directed at the neighbors' whispers she was quite capable of hearing. "But at least their mother is alive and well, loves them dearly, will see to it that their father's memory will exist in fondness, and shall protect and nourish them in a functional home," he finally said, cradling Naruto close.

Tsume went very still. "What do you want, old man? You know I'm unlikely to take an orphaned boy into my clan."

She… hadn't refused him outright. She hadn't refused him outright! Now he had her cornered. "I don't expect you take an orphaned boy into your home. But I've never known an Inuzuka to reject abandoned strays or orphaned litters."

Tsume chewed her bottom lip, her expression thoughtful. At that time, having finally burned off the effects of the sake, Naruto stirred and began to hungrily fuss once more. Tsume gritted her teeth, but he couldn't tell if it was in irritation or guilt.

Sarutobi bowed his head, finally showing his weariness of trying to juggle an entire village after having settled into retirement, dealing with the aftermath of an immortal demon's destruction, and trying to care for a baby less than a week old. "If he had his mother," he began, "if he had his father – if I even had my wife…" His voice cracked on that last one, his sorrow unexpectedly overwhelming him. He hadn't had the time to mourn the loss of one who had promised to grow old with him; hadn't had the chance to finally let go of the woman with whom he had shared his bed, shared his children, and shared his life.

"You didn't chose me because I was the most likeliest to take in a stray, would ya?"

Sarutobi hurriedly dabbed at his eyes. "Can you imagine me asking Uchiha Mikoto?"

Tsume snorted. "Oh god, would you ever get out of there alive? I know what she's like pregnant- one trimester of shared Lamaze classes was one trimester too many!" Even Hana and the dogs shuddered.

"I'm not looking for desperation," Sarutobi said softly. "I'm not looking for someone who takes the baby in out of pity. I'm not asking for someone to adopt or foster him. All I ask is for someone who would open heart and hearth to a child incapable of hurting others, who cannot even feed or clothe himself. I'm just asking for someone with gentle arms, soft breasts, and a kind voice." He eyed her. "But I'll settle for him just being fed and changed."

"At least you didn't approach me with any high expectations." Tsume sighed in irritation and held her arm out. "I'll keep him until he's weaned," she said.

It wasn't hard to show his gratitude through a large smile as he helped Tsume rearrange the two babies so she had both of them in her sling, feet touching against feet. It was hard to keep the smugness hidden as he watched Tsume's face soften and a smile tug her lips as she guided Naruto's mouth to her right nipple, milk already beading white. By the time Naruto was weaned, the possessive loyalty the Inuzuka clan prided themselves in would have sunk in its teeth and refused to let up.

Then the softness melted away into shock and surprise as Naruto latched on hungrily once he realized his mouth was being stuffed with food. "He has teeth?!" She whirled around to face Saratubi, but he quickly formed the required seals and removed himself to safety. "GET BACK HERE YOU SNEAKY BASTARD! YOU NEVER TOLD ME HE WAS BORN WITH TEETH!!"