7/9/2009

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or things Twilight/Southern Vampire Mysteries-related.

Warning: Nasty Language, Adult Topics, Lemons(eventually) Just a personal reminder that this is crack-fic. It's supposed to be funny.

Chapter 7 is down below the long-ass A/N

This chapter is dedicated to some anonymous soul that apparently lost their mind and put in a nomination for Sex & the Supernatural for Crack-fic WIP at the Indie twi fic awards. I'm eternally thankful and you can expect the sex bunny to bring a large basket of love and blood gushers and a Bite-me Betty to your doorstep!

Alright my darlings, I don't usually whore myself out (though my hourly rates are really low and reservations are available), but I'm going to do it tonight. I even rushed this chapter so as not to be a huge twat-tease and only put up an A/N about voting. The Indie Twific awards have voting starting July 9-12th. You can vote at (www the indie twi fic awards dot com). Obviously, without all the spaces in it. See the link on my profile. I have a few favorites that I'm pushing here. I'm encouraging folks to read them, not to just vote because I'm asking!

A/U Human: No Matter What by ~ NanMcCullen

Best Alternate Universe WIP: Prey by ~ Summer35 (Badass Darkward)

Best Collab: Socks for Sex by goldentempress/nostalgicmiss

Chapter 7: Love, Peace, and Munchibears!

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No more staring enviously at humans chomping away on those cute little bears.

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Several days later

"Hold still, bitch. Your hair looks like a fucking squirrel died in it!" I tried to swat away Rose's hand as she continued to abuse my hair, but nothing stopped her once the inner-hair dominatrix was released.

"Very funny, Rose. You know I have a habit of playing with my hair when I'm frustrated. Well, I've been really fucking frustrated this week, and--Oww! That shit is attached to my scalp!" I clenched my teeth as she tugged a little harder than necessary on another piece as she pinned it back.

"Bella, take the time to listen to Eddie, and please, please promise you won't rip out any more flesh, unless it's in the middle of mind-blowing sex. Tearing out a person's throat is not on the rule list for How to Win Vamps and Influence Weres. That's only acceptable when a wereskank is putting the moves on your guy." She added the last bobby pin and looked a little smug at her creation.

I snorted in disbelief. "Well, he bit me first! It's not like I had a sign hanging around my neck that said 'willing blood donor.' "

She was still staring at my hair with a calculating look. "Who knew cock rings could be so useful? At least the extra-small ones, right? I don't know why Alice ordered that size in the first place. It's not like a guy would publicly announce that he's packing a microdick by buying one. Maybe Alice can remarket it as a Hair Houdini?" Rose said in a thoughtful tone.

Holy Masturbating Mother Mary, I'm going to superglue her nipples to the front display window if she just used a cock ring to put my hair into a bun.

"Rose, please tell me you didn't just use me as the inaugural guinea pig for the cock ring hair twist? That's really fucking nasty." I reached back to try and undo the complicated knot, but she slapped my hands away.

"Leave it alone! It looks nice and you don't really have time to be picky. Edward will be here in just a minute," Rose barked as she walked off to separate two younger vamps that were arguing in the front of the store. From the look of things, those little punks James and Laurent were arguing over the last autographed copy of Tanya's Vampginas from Outer Space.

That's the only action they'll be getting since I've heard rumors about them catching a case of Fangorrhea from skank-ho Victoria.

"Hey! Stop punking around, you two little dicks! That was the display copy and it's on reserve." She snatched the DVD away from them and threw it on the counter. The two fuckwits kept arguing with each other and apparently didn't understand that Rose meant business.

Poor bastards have my deepest sympathy. Who needed a bouncer when you had Rose? I hope our insurance rates aren't raised again because of the assault claims. I don't think sexual favors will do the trick this time.

Crack! Rose grabbed their necks and slammed their heads together; that was enough to stun them into silence. She gripped one ear each and jerked the little pricks toward the door.

"Get the hell out and don't come back until you've learned to act like you weren't raised in a wolf den!" She gave James a solid kick to his ass to help their progress out the door.

"Stupid fucking vamps. I swear I'd try to hunt them into extinction if it weren't for the good ones like Esme, Em, and the rest of the Cullens," she muttered as she wiped her hands on her skirt and went to the stock room to check for more copies of Skank-tanya's vamp pornos.

The bell clanged as the door partially opened, but no one entered. I raised my eyebrows in confusion. Were those little bloodsuckers dicking around with us? Maybe more religious solicitors?

I knew that the "Quarantined for Contagious Sexual Dysfunction under order of the Supernatural Center for Disease Control" sign wasn't a good idea. Sure, it scared off all the cross-carrying nut jobs for a few days, but eventually we were Jesus-spammed via the postal service.

After opening a few weeks ago, our mail box had constantly been filled with biblical literature and flyers that had "Get Saved Now!" and "Come to Jesus" stamped on them. I don't know what type of church these people attended, but under the authority of Ma-Esme and the ass-beater stick "Come to Jesus"was the code phrase for "run like hell because mamma vamp doesn't need to rest between ass-bruising sessions." I guess some terms aren't universal. All three of us girls acted like holy terrors as little weres; there were lots of Come to Jesus moments in our house.

The person holding the door was apparently going to take a mental round trip to Mexico before deciding to enter. I sniffed the air to get an idea of what we were dealing with. Chocolate, honey, vodka,…gummy bears? I could definitely smell vamp. It had to be loony bin Eddie; his scent was the equivalent of sticking my nose into a box of chocolate-covered doughnuts. Where did the vodka come in? Unless…No fucking way! He must have picked Alice's mind for this – my one eternal weakness.

Sweet chocolate-covered hallelujah! MünchiBears-- Vodka-injected chocolate-covered gummy bears handmade at a specialty shop in Germany. Get that shit in here before I pass out from Münchi-lust!

I hadn't had those gummy bears in two damned decades. I thought that shop had closed, but leave it to Alice. Peace offering accepted!

"If you don't hand that shit over before I get to zero, I'm going to change my mind about accepting your apology. Ten…nine...eight," I started to count down. Before I could get to seven, his bronze mop popped into the open door way. He looked around curiously at all the sex paraphernalia before walking completely inside.

"Sorry, I wasn't sure if this was the best idea. You really like these things?" He gestured to the glass container he had pulled from behind his back.

"They smell madly repulsive. I wasn't very confident in Alice's suggestion, but I can see I was wrong. Please allow me to apologize again, Bella. I'm sorry that we've gotten off on the wrong foot time and again, not to mention your almost-draining and the dismemberment of my trachea If these things will do the trick, I'll order as many pounds as you can eat." He held the jar out to me with a tentative smile. If this was his olive branch, I'd sure as hell take it.

"Thankssomuch-Ilovetheshitoutofthese-Apologyaccepted!" I mumbled as I ripped off the fancy ribbons and other decorative shit. I reverently picked up the top one and held it under my nose to inhale the aroma. A low purring sound started rumbling in my chest as I savored the scent. I'm not sure what type of chocolate the shop used, but the smell was like standing at the pearly gates of the big Krispy Kreme in the sky.

In the name of the orgasm, the German gummy bear, and the Holy mother of all chocolate, Amen. May your sacrifice be savored, MünchiBear!

With that silent offering, I ate the first bear. I couldn't help the lusty moan that escaped my throat. I hadn't had these babies in so long. The sweet chocolate on the exterior, melting away to the fruity gummy bear. After a little chewy goodness, the vodka would drip out of the center.

You're my favorite person right now, Eddie. A couple more handfuls of MünchiBears and I'd be happy enough to express my undying love.

Edward coughed to get my attention.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry! I just can't help myself with these little guys. They're so yummy." My efforts at speaking ended with me spewing bits chocolate and gummy chunks on my shirt.

Oops, that was attractive Bella. Now who's having trouble with self-control?

Maybe Alice had him bring the bears for a reason? I swallowed one more time and looked up at Edward, who looked like he was trying to stifle his laughter at my gulping down the candy like a pig digging into a trough.

"Okay, Edward. Why don't we try to wipe the slate clean? My name is Bella Swan. I'm a werebitch with a dirty mouth that makes a sailor look like a church deacon. I have an addiction to sex toys and I love MünchiBears. I have two sisters and a vamp mom. Pleased to re-meet you, although I'm still keeping an eye on my blood supply. Almost-drained, twice shy, and all that jazz." I reached toward him, grabbed his hand and shook it vigorously. The vodka was already having an effect on me.

With that stupid half-smile in place, he responded in a calmer tone. "Nice to meet you again, Bella. I have two idiot brothers and a great vamp dad. I compose music for piano mostly, but I give lessons at the local community center several times per week. I have problems with bloodlust, but I'm working on it."

I grinned back like a fool. I'd already gone through the top third of the jar. Bad idea. Even with my overactive metabolism, the alcohol was making me much more friendly than usual.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, Eddie." I said. Something was not quite right with him today, but I couldn't quite identify what. During our first meeting he had seemed as anxious as a crack addict trying to flee rehab, so I decided to ask him directly. "Why do you seem so calm today?"

"I'm glad that you noticed. I finally found something to help my problem." He rolled up his sleeve and turned his arm over to show what looked like several red bandages stuck to the skin.

"Alice told me about this a few days ago after the throat incident. The patches deliver blood continuously, so it helps to regulate the attacks if I get really anxious. I probably shouldn't have worn so many, but most vamps don't have to carry around a blood bottle. It's been great so far. I haven't had to carry blood around in two days," he replied as he pulled the sleeve back down.

Who knew? Paxil patches for vamps. Maybe we could plant one on Alice?

"I know it's probably early to ask this, but I was wondering if you'd allow me to cook you dinner as part of my apology? We could watch a movie, if that's okay? I know that I don't eat human food, but I took cooking classes for quite a while. I can make a to-die-for mushroom ravioli. Does that sound tempting enough?" he asked with a sexy pout.

Well-well, Emmett must have tried to teach Edward glamour skills again. He is turning up the heat on my sexomometer, so it might be working a little bit.

I was pondering his request and still snarfing bears when Alice walked to my side and interrupted the conversation.

Now the little scheming werebitch decides to make an appearance.

"She would love to go, right Bella?" She asked cheerily.

Unable to speak clearly through the mouthful of MünchiBears, I just shrugged noncommittally. Before I registered her intention, she reached behind my head and grabbed the cock ring twist. She used her grip to nod my head up-and-down before I could say anything.

"See! It's all settled. I have a bag packed with movies—all PG-rated, of course. There are a few other surprises in there too. Edward can drive you both. You kids have fun and behave."

Before I knew what had happened, I found myself bundled out the door toward Edward's soccer mom Volvo. Alice pushed me and the bag into the front seat, plopped the jar of Münchis on my lap, and slammed the door. As crazy Eddie floored the Volvo out of the parking lot, I grabbed the "Oh Shit" handle and held on to my candy for dear life.

A/N

A cliffie, I know, but another update will be here much sooner. I'm still getting my ass abused in summer school right now, so have patience.

I know this was a really short filler, but there's more to come. First, let me clarify another thing about the last chapter. The retirement center was for weres who had stopped phasing and thus, were aging. The vamp 'seniors' are people who were obviously of the geriatric persuasion when they were turned, not vamps who aged. I apologize for not mentioning this upfront. Secondly, let me say that all the things I'm making jokes over-age, religion, sexual orientation, etc- are just for fun. I'm not trying to offend anyone. I'm just playing around with this for laughs. Obviously, my story is like a threadbare shirt sand Swiss cheese slapped together-too many loose threads and full of holes.

For information:

A new chapter of "The Mistress and her Master" is up over at ~ NanMcCullen. Go read this folks! There's some really hot lemony stuff going on this week. It's fabulous and hopefully it's not too many reviews away from the first outtake.

Rosalee Lorraine finally updated Night Watcher!! Who is the mystery guy?

I'm going to plug a different type of story this week. Visitation by ~Radiofreeamy

Really innovative idea about Edward actually being a jailward after going nuts on Bella's attackers in Port Angeles. A really good story about the difficulties of love when your boyfriend is behind bars. Go review this!

Now to everyone who has reviewed, thank you so much for being so encouraging and for pointing out inconsistencies. All my love to NanMcCullen and Rosalie Lorraine who have been my best ass-kickers with this thing. I will respond to all reviews as long as you allow PMs.

A fond thank you for everyone from Chapter 5:

Rosalee Lorraine, NanMccullen, TwilightChangedMyLife, chivolute, Kelly J, Kittikat505, 123appletree(thanks! But I haven't been able to PM you to reply), RaCullen, Famingo, oompaloompa6262, WA0520, RingTheBella, StarryEyedGlimmer, MCRshortstackedme, Aestheticvoyager, Foxnomore

More recently, all the lovelies from reviewed Chapter 6:

Rosalee Lorraine, NanMcCullen, But-The-War-Won, Ann T. Social, AmaterasuSpiritWolf, StarryEyedGlimmer, TeamEdwardLover, Aestheticvoyager, chivolute, twilight fashionista artiste, RingTheBella, sparklingdimondz, Snikkrz, RaCullen, MCRshortstackedme, MCRshortstackedme, Foxnomore, WA0520, ILuvTaylorLautnerXoxo, and You suck at Life (Yes, I appreciate constructive criticism).