It was my best prank ever. Too bad Pam wasn't there to see it. I, of course, told her all about in her apartment that night, but I could never recreate the look on Dwight's face when it happened. No, you had to be there for that, see it with your own eyes.

Michael had sent Dwight and me to the Scranton Public Library to find books about Hinduism. He needed information, he said. I told him google would be able to tell him anything he needed to know, but his only answer was a mumble, something about Jan, broadening his horizons, and that reading joke books should count as "reading books". As we left he was just finishing up a scribbled list of words that rhyme with Diwali.

So we arrived at the library, and Dwight immediately proceeded over to the librarian, demanding where to find the information we needed. I zigzagged my way through the shelves, pulling out various books that looked interesting. I found myself in the section with the art and craft books. Wondering what the heck a book called "Stitch and Bitch" could be about, I was about to reach for it when something caught my eye, and that brilliant light bulb went on above my head.

I had figured out the number code to Dwight's briefcase lock ages ago (I had heard the lecture about how the Harry Potter movies take place in the totally wrong decade enough times to know that Harry's first year at Hogwarts was actually 1991; Dwight had even tried to get me to sign a petition to have them correct the wardrobe and hair choices to make the movies more compatible with the time frame in which they were supposed to have occurred). I sat on this knowledge until the right time should present itself, and that time had come. It wasn't even that tricky to get the briefcase away from him for two minutes, just quoting a (totally made-up) fact about bears mating for life had him shoving the briefcase in my stomach as he stormed off to find that book that would prove me wrong.

Proved wrong, I was, after which we collected the books we had chosen for Michael and headed toward the circulation desk where Dwight flashed his library card like a badge. As we headed toward the door, I went back to the stacks to get the bag I had "forgotten," and ducked behind the reference section, waiting. As Dwight passed through the doors the alarm sounded. Dwight dropped the books piled in his arms and turned, ready to tackle to the ground the scum who would dare steal from the library, only to find that he was the only person near the doors. Confused, he pick up the books and made his way back to the desk so the librarian could demagnetize the books, "properly, this time." She did, and tested each book to see if they would cause the security panels by the door to go off again. When none of them caused the wand to blink, she piled them again in Dwight's arms, and he made his way to the door. As Dwight passed the panels, the alarm sounded again. This time his patients were running very thin, and I made my way over to the desk, the most innocent expression I could muster painted across my face.

"What seems to be the problem here?"

"The books keep making the alarm sound."

"It's not the books, sir." The librarian sounded annoyed. "The wand shows that they have been demagnetized."

"Maybe it's your belt buckle," I offered 'helpfully'.

Dwight reached down and started to undo his belt when the librarian held up her hand to attempt to stop him. "No, sir. It's not a metal detector, it is a magnet sensor. Unless there's a magnet in your belt buckle…"

Trying to force down the smile that was trying to bloom on my face, I offered, "Maybe there's something in your brief case."

"There are no magnets in my briefcase."

The librarian ran the wand over his briefcase, and the red light blinked. "Sir, could you please open your briefcase?"

Seriously grumbling under his breath, he bent low over his briefcase, attempting to use his body to block the lock from my view as he turned the dial. As he opened the case and laid it out on the circulation desk his eyes widened and the librarian smirked up at him. There, lying among paper samples and sales invoices lay a thin hardcover book: Erotic Drawings of the Nude Male. It was all I could do to suppress a laugh as his wide eyes flashed quickly up to my face, then the librarian's, before falling back onto the book.

"You seem to have forgotten one, sir. I'll check that out for you." She smirked again at Dwight, and for some inexplicable reason, at me, before looking down at our hands, which both happened to be rested on the edge of the counter, not even millimeters apart from each other. Dwight noticed her looking, and swiftly dropped his own hand to his side as he quickly stammered out, "N-No, that's not mine. I didn't put that there."

She looked at me, and I just answered with a shrug. She looked again at Dwight, who looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "Okay, sir, must just be a mistake."

"You're damn right it's a mistake." He stormed out with his now-lighter briefcase, leaving me to smile and wink at the librarian, and pick up Michael's books on my way out.

"He can be sso touchy, ssometimess," I lisped out, making the librarian giggle.

He swooped down on me the minute I got out of the building, demanding to know how I had gotten the book in his briefcase. Playing innocent, I suggested that it could have been quantum tunneling, or that he may have put it in there himself. "According to Freud, mistakes never happen. Your unconscious may be trying to tell you something."

He thought about that one for a bit, before offering, "Perhaps it WAS quantum tunneling."

We rode back to the office in silence.

-x-o-X-0-X-o-x-

After the Diwali celebration, Pam and I went back to her place for our weekly get-together, where I filled her in on my prank as we waited for the popcorn to pop.

"Oh my god, that's so great." The exfoliating mud mask she had put on her face was cracking over her smile, but she didn't care.

"I know! You should have seen his face. It was like… He was just… It was indescribable."

"Now hold still-." She began smearing the mud on my face.

"Wait! NO. I don't want that."

"Hey, it feels good."

"You look like swamp thing."

She looked at me with puppy dog eyes, and I had to give in. "Fine, but never tell ANYONE about this."

She proceeded to spread the greenish brown mud on my face with a tiny pink plastic spatula. It was hard to tell through the thick, now cracked coating on her face, but I could swear she was trying to hold back a smirk. I wouldn't say the mask felt good, just that it felt like I had fallen face first into a cold puddle of mud. Just as she finished icing my face, the phone rang.

She reached for it and said, "Hello," while trying to hold the receiver away from her muddy skin. That only made it easier for me to hear who was on the other end. It was her boyfriend. Since she had broken off her wedding with Roy, she had started seeing someone from an art class she was taking. I hadn't met him yet, but from the way she talked about him, he was perfect for her.

"Oh, yeah. Jim's over here. We're having a girls' night."

I shouldn't have let her put the mask on me. "Hey!" I protested, trying to flick her arm.

She stuck out her tongue while dancing out of my reach, and into her bedroom. When the microwave beeped, I pulled out the bag and transferred it to a bowl, while popping a new bag in. I sprinkled

Parmesan cheese and salt on her bowl, the way she likes it, and waited for my bag to finish popping. She came back out in her pink jammies and a pastel lavender bath robe.

"I feel overdressed."

"You could always borrow my nighty."

"No. Thank you."

When the microwave beeped she poured my popcorn into a bowl and prepared it the way I like it, then we sank down into her couch to watch our movies. I showed her that I had brought Weekend at Bernie's. She brought out Brokeback Mountain. I don't even bother asking any more. Last week it was The Birdcage, before that All Over the Guy, before that In and Out, before that…Let's just say that I had no idea there were so many gay-themed movies. I'm not giving her the satisfaction of a response any more.

"Have you seen it?" She didn't want to let it go.

I almost lied, but decided against it. "No, not yet."

"Let's start with this, then. We'll need comedy after."

-x-o-X-0-X-o-x-

After the movie, I couldn't help but protest.

"That was so unrealistic. They didn't really seem like they could stand each other, how are we supposed to believe they were in love?" I got up to replace her rented disk with mine before taking my between-movies bathroom break.

"Well, they were passionate about each other. They could really get under each other's skin easily. For them, I think fighting was like foreplay. I know you can relate."

"How?"

"Think of what you and Dwight do. You're always playing pranks on him just to gauge his reaction; he's always doing annoying things just to get a rise out of you. It's like the pigtail pulling in junior high, but it's the sexiest flirting I've ever seen."

"What are you talking about?"

"You guys really enjoy it. Your face seriously lit up when you told me about the prank at the library today. You're totally crazy about Dwight."

I could only stare at her, dumbfounded, unable to move. Finally, when the buzzing sound cleared my brain and I was able to think, I spoke. "Ha ha, very funny," I said as I went into the bathroom. There, I leaned on the sink, staring at my monstrous green face in the mirror. What would make her think that- How could she even consider that I-That Dwight-That we- Wait! She was messing with me! Yes, that had to be it. Okay, Pam. You win this time. I washed the flaky mud from my face. I had to admit, my skin did feel softer.

I came out in a much better mood, and she had her turn in the bathroom. When she came out it looked like she was waiting for me to say something, so I asked if she needed more popcorn. She rolled her eyes and sat down, pushing play on the remote. Thankfully, I was able to empty my mind and focus on the comedic shenanigans.

The movie ended late enough that I almost considered crashing on Pam's sofa, but I really longed for the comfort of my own bed. I drove home on autopilot, not even realizing so until I pulled into my parking space outside my apartment. I dragged myself up the stairs and unlocked my door. My roommate had fallen asleep watching some sort of girl-on-girl porn, if the feminine huffs and grunts coming from the speakers were any indication. I tiptoed quietly through the living room and collapsed in bed, not even bothering to undress in my exhaustion. I was asleep before the moaning and groaning coming from the living room had ended. Of course, hearing two women in the throes of enacting the typical male fantasy just as you're falling asleep tends to do weird things to your dreams.

-x-o-X-0-X-o-x-

I had pulled a prank on Dwight. I had put his whole phone in rainbow colored jello, and he was glaring at me from across his desk. When did that glare start to go right to my crotch? I tried to distract myself from the effect it was having on me, and picked up my own phone receiver. It wiggled and flopped around in my hand. I looked around. Since when was everything in the office made of jello? Pam sat behind her wiggling jello desk, typing on a wiggling jello keyboard. I put my wiggling jello receiver back on my wiggling jello phone.

Dwight's shirt, which was made of wiggling yellow jello started to break apart and slip down his now glistening bare chest. My jello chair could no longer support my weight, and I fell down in a pile of blue jello. Dwight charged at me and dove down, throwing his weight on top of me. We slipped around, wrestling in an office now full of jello. Pam told me to stop flirting with Dwight, and Michael stood there watching us wrestle, eating jello popcorn out of a jello bowl and cheering me on.

I tried to get on top of Dwight, but he was too strong and all of the jello was too slippery. He kept pinning me down. He pressed his body down against mine, holding me in place and that's when he felt my erection.

"It's nice to know that not everything in this office is soft and floppy." His smirk made me shiver in anticipation, and then he kissed me.

"That's what SHE said," Michael laughed, before declaring Dwight the winner.

I woke up needing to take a REALLY cold shower, thankful that it was the weekend, and I wouldn't have to face Dwight until Monday.

End Chapter one

A/N: Obviously, in this story, Jim never went to Stamford, and nothing Jim/Pam or Dwight/Angela ever happened. This story was, oddly enough, inspired by a photograph of John Krasinski, who plays Jim. The photo can be found at: http(colon backslash backslash) wereadtoknow (dot) files (dot) wordpress (dot) com (backslash) 2009 (backslash) 02(backslash) final (dash) john1 (dot) jpg

In it John looks like the most adorably cute gay boy ever. I just had to write this in response to that picture.