Phantomflower,

It's been a long while since you have written chapters of our Handbook. Thank you for sending it in.

Readers may want to be informed that this chapter's 'omake' is technically a crossover with the Danny Phantom series. It's connected to another tale called Prankcalling the Hokage 101. I'm sure you remember this. It was not a nice time for me. There is one count of strong language, but it's the only foul word present.

Should you decide that our Handbook has reached its end after a chapter or two more, why not record silly stories of happenings around the Akatsuki's Headquarters? I'm certain our supporters would love to read them.

Sincerely,

Obito Uchiha

Health Insurance Policy by Pain

Comments from Kakuzu

Edited by Madara

Revisions by Pain

Health insurance is an often discussed topic. Arrangements for paying medical bills are important. There is no need for an angry mob of doctors to track down the Akatsuki's members demanding payment or else.

Every Akatsuki employee is provided health insurance upon their joining of the organization. It's included as part of their benefits package. A small portion of our employees' paychecks go towards paying for insurance every month.

What?! Everyone should pay for their own medical expenses! Using the hospital wing in Headquarters is already free. Kakuzu, this is not up for debate. Members do not always have access to the hospital wing when they are on missions. Part of why we provide health insurance is so they can find help elsewhere.

The Akatsuki have a list of in-network providers for medical care kept in each hideout. The listed medical ninja and doctors are affiliated with the organization. The entries are divided by country. You may find medical care elsewhere, but it will be more expensive than choosing an in-network medic.

Your insurance will pick up the extra tab if there is a reason for not being treated by an affiliated medic. Reasons include a lack of in-network providers in your current location or receiving specialty care the other doctors cannot provide. Itachi, do not worry about your pills for your illness. We will reimburse you for the Kodon clan's costs.

Listed below are the different areas that our health insurance covers, what percentage of costs employees must pay out-of-pocket for various types of care, and what actions or treatments will not be covered. Insurance claims are processed by specific subordinates and Main Management. We expect a thorough accounting of why a certain service has been required. Your claim will be processed in a timely manner. We will inform you if we will not cover something and why.

Yes Sasori, you must read this. The insurance policy section of the Handbook still applies to you despite your wooden puppet body. You have to receive preventive care and counseling like the rest of the organization. Sit down and get to reading.

Preventative Care

Preventative care includes yearly physical exams, blood work, urine tests, screenings for various conditions, and vaccinations. All preventive care is covered; annual exams are mandatory to ensure health. We're serious here. No skipping out on the doctor because you were too lazy to schedule an appointment. If you have a major phobia of medical personnel, please alert management so we can make appropriate arrangements. We're not having a repeat of Kisame's freak-out or Mitsuki vanishing into thin air for three days.

Again, why is this all free? I understand that medical care is important, but physicians would go broke if they weren't paid for a large amount of services. The insurance pays providers a set amount. As for why preventative services are 'free', detecting or preventing an illness early is better than an Akatsuki member in bed from the flu later.

Prescription Drugs

Prescription drugs are medicines prescribed by physicians for medical treatment. A person may have to take one for several reasons. Coverage depends on the type of medication, how vital it is to the patient's welfare, and if the person may take a generic version. The insurance may foot anywhere from fifty percent to the entire bill.

Emergency Services

Emergency services are expenses related to transporting, stabilizing, or housing a seriously ill or injured patient. This only comes into play when staying outside of the Akatsuki's medical wing. That is always free to subordinates and main members.

Zetsu evacuates members from the field when their condition prevents them from completing their mission. He swallows them whole to transport them back to Headquarters; the ill or injured employee is then coughed up in the medical wing. He is compensated fifty-nine hundred ryō per medical extraction. Our insurance covers around fifty to seventy-five percent of the bill. You will have to pay the rest later. Don't worry when Zetsu swallows you up. He knows not to keep employees trapped in his stomach. He'll let you out eventually.

Employees may stay at an affiliated hospital if Zetsu is not available or if the downed member is too critically ill or injured to move safely. Seventy-five to eighty-five percent of expenses are covered. Stay at outside hospitals as infrequently as possible. Alert management at once if this happens. The downed employee's teammates or partner should stay at their side as much as they are able.

Rehabilitative Services

Rehabilitation services are therapies that assist a heavily ill or injured person in getting back on their feet. Most rehabilitation occurs in the Akatsuki medical wing or hospital in the Hidden Rain Village. It's covered by default. The organization will help members return to duties as soon as they can.

Mental Health Services

Mental health services include counseling, therapy, inpatient treatment, and substance abuse treatment. Counseling is occasionally made mandatory. It's fully covered under insurance. What happens if you deliberately miss a counseling session? You're suspended from missions until you go. Your partner may drag you by the ankle to the psychologist's office. Don't encourage them.

Employees may have to stay at the Hidden Rain Village's mental facility for one reason or another. Breakdowns in ninja are not uncommon. The insurance pays sixty-five percent of the cost of the patient's stay. It covers seventy percent of therapy.

We take substance abuse seriously. An Akatsuki employee found taking classified drugs without permission will be suspended from duties until their addiction is taken care of. Only thirty percent of the bill is covered as most cases of substance abuse are self-inflicted. If it was involuntary, the insurance will pick up more of the bill.

Vision and Dental Services

Vision care involves visits to the eye doctor, vision screening, the cost of glasses or contacts, and optical surgery. We want our membership to maintain their vision health so missions are not impaired. Eighty percent of the visit, eyewear, and screening's cost are covered. The insurance pays sixty to seventy percent for surgeries.

Oral care includes dentist visits, filling in cavities, x-rays, teeth cleanings, tooth removal, braces, and root canals. Our insurance pays around forty to seventy-five percent of dental bills. Employees also have discounts for dental products. I suppose good dental care is important. How does the organization handle employees with a fear of dental visits? Easy. They receive calming medication before their appointments.

Please don't cause problems for our optometrists or dentists. We pay them well to keep them in our good graces. No one is to repeat Deidara's detonation of doctors' files. Zetsu is not allowed to bite the dentist, either. Zetsu, we don't care how old you are. You will behave at the dentist office, or we will remove all your fangs. Don't tell the dentist what's between your teeth, either.

Maternity and Pediatric Services

The dead horse of the Akatsuki's provided medical services. They include pregnancy, delivery, screening for certain conditions, prenatal doctor visits, and medical care for the child after it's born. No employees are currently with child or have plans to give birth. If this comes up, seventy to ninety-five percent of expenses will be covered. Female Akatsuki subordinates in the insurance department handle these claims instead of Main Management.

About that… it has come to my attention that several Akatsuki employees have become pregnant since the main membership was killed. Are they still covered? Yes. Just because we got ourselves killed does not mean the Akatsuki's insurance policy is obsolete. The insurance subordinates are still alive. They stayed close to home as a rule. Former Akatsuki employees hand in claims to this day.

It's hilarious watching the fallout as ghosts. Rain's current leader Takayuki took a double-take when former Akatsuki subordinates showed him their medical expenses. Everyone wonders how Itachi's former underling Shiori Yoshida stays in good health even though she runs a pet store and is a part-time kunoichi.

I admit I like seeing the villages' shocked reactions when they realize how organized we were. Mitsuki handed her insurance information to the Fourth Raikage when dealing with residential registration with the Hidden Cloud Village. He froze for a moment and claimed, "Akatsuki business is complicated. I'm not even going to ask". She's been doing well with managing her assets.

Madara (or, should I say Obito), while I am impressed by Mitsuki's money management, this is not the appropriate place for discussion. Besides, as a half-ghost, she has made it very clear on what will happen if you approach her and her children with Itachi. Point taken, Kakuzu. My apologies.

Kekkei Genkai Medical Complications

We understand that, sadly, many kekkei genkai have medical pitfalls. It's a fact of life. Examples include Itachi's blindness and Deidara's occasional injuries from his hand mouths. Insurance covers seventy to ninety percent of kekkei genkai-related illnesses or injuries.

Preexisting Conditions

The Akatsuki's insurance will cover any preexisting illnesses or injuries from before members joined the organization. There is no need to worry about this.

Situations Insurance Will Not Cover

There are some instances where insurance claims may be denied because of how a person received their illness or injury. It might be because the employee engaged in risky behavior or behaved in a way contrary to the Akatsuki's values. Actions or situations that result in a denied claim include the following:

Deliberate self-injury

Attempted suicide

Provoking fights with other members

Purposely exposing oneself to contagious diseases

Sexual harassment (in addition to the usual sexual harassment penalties)

Attempted or successful rape (in addition to the usual sexual harassment penalties)

Spiking other employees' beverages (Kisame, I have no choice here. Your actions left your partner, your partner's wife, Madara, and your outside friend you invited to the wedding anniversary heavily ill.)

Harming or kidnapping another employee's romantic partner

Cheating with another employee's romantic partner

Stealing another employee's belongings

Harming or kidnapping another employee's pet

Performing any discouraged or banned activity (i.e., serving poison, burying my spare bodies, or helping elderly women cross the street outside of Akatsuki territory. For a full list, go back to chapter four.)

Leading an attacker to Headquarters

Testing poison on oneself

Target practice (The only reason it would be covered is if there is a repeat of Itachi's target practice accident)

Eating anything you cannot digest without surgery (Madara, I'm sorry, but no matter how 'in character' you eating Deidara's clay was, it's not being covered. I recommend you tone down the Tobi act pronto.)

Deliberately lighting fires in Headquarters and the Hidden Rain Village

General stupidity

Pain's ringed violet eyes stared at the papers on his black desk. He glared at them as if they had personally offended him. He raised his head from the insurance documents.

Really? He expects our insurance to cover this when his actions injured several people, including his partner and the Akatsuki's founder? Is he insane?

Kisame quirked an eyebrow from across the Akatsuki leader's desk. Behind him were dark violet walls. His brawny frame was covered by loose shark-print pajamas. The white neck brace over his collar bone reminded Pain of why the pair were meeting today.

Pain shook his head. He glared at his underling.

"No, Kisame. Our insurance is not paying for your shenanigans. You will have to deal with it on your own."

The blue-skinned man's lips curled into a snarl.

"Honk? HONK?!"

The Akatsuki leader held a pale hand to his face. Kisame's larynx was damaged at the same time he received his neck injuries. He could only speak in honks like a goose for the time being. He had been confined to the medical wing before Pain called him in.

"You spiked the beverages of several people that should not have alcohol. They should have been safe at mine and Konan's wedding anniversary party. Now, Madara cannot keep anything down, your half-ghost friend from the Outside Countries is suffering from alcohol poisoning, Itachi's illness has worsened, and Mitsuki is being pumped with several medications to mitigate liver and kidney damage."

It was a shame. Pain and his partner Konan invited several people to their wedding anniversary party. It was held at a nice resort in downtown Amegakure. The orange-haired man thought trouble was afoot when he learned Kisame's friend and Itachi's wife used to be arch-enemies. But, it was not the two half-ghosts he had to worry about.

Several Amegakure ninja escorted Pain's group home after the wedding anniversary was finished. He barely remembered stumbling through Headquarters' doors. The excessive alcohol left him giggly and airheaded. He imagined Zetsu as a talking ficus tree when the plant man found the intoxicated Akatsuki members. He passed out soon after.

Pain drew in a breath. He needed to make it clear that Kisame's actions were not to be repeated.

"I am certain that if we weren't low on members already that Madara would arrange your death. Consider this one of the first parts of your punishment. You are on restriction until the medics clear you. That means you may not visit Amegakure for non-essential business or spar on our training grounds. In fact, you should stay in your hospital room when possible. A lot of people are angry with you."

The blue-haired man shook his head.

"Honk…"

The orange-haired man glanced at his schedule. He set a few hours aside for a meeting with all Akatsuki employees a few days from now. The Akatsuki employees left at home held a house party with a lot of destructive activities. Alcohol was involved. They apparently watched the Godaime Hokage's descent into insanity on the living room's television. Deidara played a role in it, but he did not have all the details yet.

"All of the organization will meet in three days to discuss punishments for the wild house party. I will hand down the rest of your punishments then. Go back to your hospital room."

Kisame bowed his head. He dragged his slipper-covered feet out the door.

The Akatsuki leader rose from his seat after a few minutes. He wanted to see if the sharkman has complied. Kisame had not paid much attention to orders recently.

He followed the sharkman's tracks. His shoe prints led towards the hospital wing. Pain sighed in relief.

His ears caught some speaking in a small conference room near the medical wing. He hoped it was not planning for another house party. He stepped inside. He could not believe his eyes.

Madara, Itachi, Mitsuki, and Plasmius Vlad sat together at a honey brown table. All of them wore night clothes. They peered at an enlarged photograph in the middle. The lights were kept dim. Wastebaskets sat to the right of each participant.

Madara's swirly orange mask was tilted so his mouth was exposed. He chuckled darkly.

"Brilliant. Such humiliation. I never knew that ghost powers have such interesting applications, Plasmius-san. I approve."

Vlad returned the chuckle. He fingered the center of the photograph. It was of Kisame.

"Twenty years is plenty of time to experiment. With your permission, we could have me possess Kisame in an isolated room. I would make him perform embarrassing acts. You could film him doing so and post it on the internet."

Madara clutched his stomach. He lurched towards his wastebasket. He nodded in approval.

Itachi's red Sharingan eyes glittered in the darkness. He wiped some blood from his mouth. A few drops landed on his buttoned-up red pajama shirt.

"Why stop there? I could trap Kisame in a Tsukuyomi where he cannot fight anyone. He would have to watch others enjoy themselves while he is trapped somewhere else. Maybe I could fill it with saccharine creations. All of them would spout lies."

Mitsuki's icy blue eyes flashed bright green.

"I could reengineer one of my genjutsu so he knows our pain. Let him empty his stomach contents everywhere, have weakness enter his bones, turn his legs to jelly, and scramble his mind so he can't comprehend his surroundings."

Her male companions froze. Madara smirked at the small white-haired kunoichi.

"Well done, Mitsuki. That sounds even better. I'll approve funding for the endeavor at once."

Itachi squeezed the teenager's hand.

"What a lovely plan, Mitsuki-chan. Very clever."

Vlad smiled at the young half-ghost.

"Daniel, when did you become so evil? It's adorable."

Mitsuki stared at her former arch-enemy.

"It started when I killed some people during an escape attempt from the Guys in White. I realized that I couldn't cling to my old ideals if I wanted to stay alive."

The room grew silent. Itachi laid a hand on her shoulder.

"You will not have to worry about them ever again. I burned their headquarters down with Amaterasu when I rescued you from their clutches. I would do the same with Kisame if I could get away with it."

Madara sighed.

"Believe me Itachi, I would give you permission to dispose of your partner if I had replacements lined up. I may arrange an accident for Kisame anyway a ways down the line. For now, let's focus on ways to humiliate him."

Pain cleared his throat. The four collaborators focused their attention on him.

"Madara, you can't kill Kisame. He's one of the powerful members of our organization despite his blunders. Why are you plotting his downfall?"

The black-haired man clutched the table tightly.

"Because he made me ill for the first time in years. I also remember him giving me an eyeful of his underwear when the alcohol turned me into a sobbing wreak."

Itachi glanced at the orange-haired man.

"Because he ignored my pleas for no intoxicating beverages. He thought it was funny. He made Mitsuki-chan ill."

Vlad closed his pupiless red eyes.

"He knew of my powers. He was aware I should not have any. He spiked my drink regardless."

Mitsuki narrowed her icy blue eyes. She tugged on her blue sleeping kimono's sleeve.

"I was too young. My body was too weak from my ordeal with the Guys in White. Kisame should have known better."

A cold pit settled in Pain's stomach. The white-haired kunoichi made no secret of her medical fragility. It would take her time to bounce back from this setback.

He addressed the group.

"Just keep any retribution non-lethal, okay? Akatsuki members don't grow on trees. Don't carry anything out until the medics clear you for more activity. Make sure they know where you are."

Itachi nodded. He beckoned with his hand.

"Don't worry. I've informed Harumi-san of our location just in case. Do you want to join us, Pain-sama? Surely you're cross with Kisame for ruining your wedding anniversary party?"

Pain shook his head. It was a nice offer, but he had work to deal with. The house party at Headquarters led to a lot of fallout.

"I would, but I need to access the Akatsuki Wild House Party's damages. Konan and I are having a hard time pinning down who did what. I'll come by later."

The spiky-haired man strode out of the conference room. He passed a blue spray-painted message proclaiming 'Konohagakure sucks balls!' over the black hallway walls. He shook his head at it. The Akatsuki Wild House Party encouraged a lot of anti-Konohagakure fervor. Next to it was a more positive message in red announcing 'Akatsuki always wins'.

He passed several other messages on the way back to his office, including 'Down with the patriarchy', 'Clouds are freedom', and 'For Sasori, Hidan, and Kakuzu'. He found Konan waiting for him inside. Bags hung under her amber eyes.

"Konan, I don't know what to do. Kisame thought the insurance would cover his bills despite his involvement in the Drunk Wedding Anniversary Incident, Madara is plotting Kisame's death and humiliation, and I don't know who wrote all of the graffiti over our walls."

The blue-haired woman rubbed his back. She led him to his plush black chair.

"It's okay, Pain. We could start by tackling things in chunks. We will call in every Akatsuki employee that was home for the Akatsuki Wild House Party. They will be interviewed about what happened during our absence. Write down any important names. Have those people come back in later."

Pain gulped in a deep breath. He straightened his shoulders.

"Thanks, Konan. I'll start with Zetsu as he was the highest-ranked member left here. Call him in."

Konan strode outside her partner's office door. The orange-haired man settled at his desk. Yes, it was a disaster, but it was nothing he hadn't dealt with before. The Akatsuki were not known for sanity.

He would get through it. He would find out who provided the alcohol, who spray painted the graffiti, and why many Akatsuki employees now spoke of Deidara with a degree of reverence. It was just a matter of time.

A/N: Welcome to the Akatsuki Employee Handbook's twenty-second chapter. I'm sorry that it's been so long. Let me go over the major points.

The Akatsuki need employee benefits so to secure loyalty. Many jobs offer health insurance as part of the package. Other Akatsuki employee benefits include room and board, free meals, free treatment in their medical wing, and educational opportunities. They don't want all of them obeying out of fear.

I'm sorry that Kakuzu only had a small role. I needed a third person for commenting, and none of the folks in Akatsuki or Taka fit the bill. He is also dead during the omake.

Itachi's pills from the Kodon clan are a reference to Naruto Jinraiden: The Day the Wolf Howled. They are the ones that supplied Itachi's medicine until his battle with Sasuke.

Several parts of this are based on American insurance policies. I looked up Japanese insurance, and it didn't mesh with the Akatsuki's structure. There are a few parts like kekkei genkai coverage and Zetsu transport that I added as part of this Naruto fanfiction universe. They do not have ambulances, cars, or trucks even in Boruto, so I adapted modern medical concerns for the setting.

The little chat Pain, Madara, and Kakuzu have is a Whirlpools of Lightning reference. A few Akatsuki subordinates grew pregnant thanks to relationships with main members. Mitsuki is very good at saving her money. She receives it from a wide range of sources, including Itachi's estate, her mission pay, interest, and investments on the stock market. She is very well off by the time Whirlpools of Lightning starts.

The Raikage is very aware of Mitsuki's roots… including that she was born outside of the Hidden Countries and had nothing to do with their murkier activities. She gave him her insurance information in case it was important.

The omake is a tie-in to another fanfiction of mine, Prankcalling the Hokage 101. I hope it was funny and easy to follow.

Madara/Obito did not wear his mask properly as he knew he would vomit at some point. He did not take the alcohol very well.

Itachi's idea came from Dragon Ball: Resurrection F. I have not gotten to see the whole movie yet, but seeing Frieza in that cutesy Hell was too much. I've been a fan since I was a little girl. I watched it on Toonami all the time.

It's been so long since I've written a chapter that I hope I did it right. Please let me know what you like and what I could improve on.