Chapter One: Joey Collins' Diary

Friday 27th February 2009

12:32pm

I was so excited when I got this job. Some girls dream about being movie stars, some dream of... you know, half the time I don't know what normal girls dream of. But all I've ever wanted to do is live my life on the water. It's been a family joke since I was small, back when life was funny, that it's in our blood to work with boats. I know Brett's not into it like I am and he used to accuse me of trying to suck up to Dad but it was never about that. This is just where I'm happiest, where I'm at home. To me, there is nothing more incredible than have the salty air in my face and the wind in my hair, being at one with the waves, having the space to get in touch with all your senses. Being on a boat makes me feel so safe and I have such happy memories of my childhood, back when things were innocent and fun. Mum was alive and we were a normal family. Now it's just Brett and I and I haven't felt normal since... I can't remember when. I was never normal. But it was easy to pretend then, especially when I was sailing and there was no pressure to be like the other girls at school, who I could never have fitted in with if I'd tried. In fact, if I had been like them, it would have been frowned upon. I guess a boat was the only place I felt like I belonged. So when I got this job, I was so happy. But reality never measures up to the fantasies you have in your head. And as someone who lives more in fantasy land than reality, I can vouch for that.

So far, I haven't been able to go to work and live in the utopia I usually muster up when I'm on the water and it's disappointing beyond the telling of it. Every time I lose myself in my work, Robbo's voice breaks into my thoughts and ruins everything and I come crashing back to earth. How can one person destroy everything you love just by existing? He's just... vile. I know I've known him for years and I should be used to him by now but he's made my skin crawl ever since I met him. He and Brett went to school together. They're best friends and ever since we lost Mum and Dad, he's been round the house more often than he's been away from it. I know he didn't want me to start working alongside him. I didn't want to start working alongside him! But it was a toss up between whether to give up the opportunity to work on a boat or to avoid working with someone I didn't like and I decided not to let him get in the way of my dream. We tolerated each other before. He irritated me but I coped with his disgusting sexual innuendos and bad manners. I mean, even if I was into guys, he would be the last on a very long list! He's awful. His sister is kind of hot though. And a good kisser. And good in... But anyway, I was talking about work!

Robbo has had it in for me since I started working there and it's getting worse every day, especially now that Aden has interfered and told Lou about the situation. Aden's a good guy and his heart is in the right place. I know he was trying to help but man, he is utterly clueless. How did he ever think telling tales would make things better for me? He's made things so much worse. But I'm determined to stay strong. I've worked far too hard to get to where I am and I live a life too full of isolation already to give up on a job that I could potentially fall in love with, especially for someone like him. And can you imagine how proud of himself he would be when he comes round to see Brett of an evening? "Ha, ha, you quit your job because of me! You couldn't hack it!" No way. You don't grow up in a boating family and reach your early twenties hiding in the big, gay closet without learning a few things about self-preservation.

Well, lunch time's over and they're all heading back on board so I'd better get back to work. I seriously need to impress right now in order to get them off my case.

Friday 27th February 2009

9:07pm

Okay, so I don't think I managed to impress many people after lunch. But it wasn't my fault. No prizes for guessing whose fault it really was. Ugh, I can't stand that man! He's not even a man. He's a worm. He's the faeces of a worm! I told him to check the ropes this morning. I tried to check them myself! But no, he had to play the macho man, the one who knows everything. He insisted everything was safe. It wasn't. And now I'm spending the evening broken and bruised, angry and upset. Brett has been no help at all. In fact, he's gone out for a drink with Robbo. I heard them laughing about it before they left, saying how I was trying to scapegoat for a genuine accident that was nobody's fault. It was all Robbo's fault. Pig! The rope he apparently secured came loose this afternoon, hit me and I ended up overboard. I love the water, but not so much that I want to be thrown off a boat and nearly drown in it. And aside from Aden, nobody tried to help! I have a vague memory of Robbo laughing. Maybe they thought I was fine and didn't realise that I was hurt. I'm so grateful to Aden though. He dived in and brought me to safety and seemed really worried about me. He wanted to take me to the hospital but I hate hospitals. I've spent too much time in them. We fixed my injuries there and then and I carried on, although I haven't been feeling so good since. I have a headache and my arm is stinging. Oh, I think I just heard Brett come home.

I owe Aden a drink for saving me. Maybe I'll call him over the weekend and we can hang out. I know I was mad at him for telling Lou about how Robbo has been to me but he's probably redeemed himself now. Plus, it would be nice to have a friend. He's a nice guy and I've been feeling pretty lonely. All I have is Brett really and he neither knows me nor understands me. Other than him, I meet a few girls here and there when I head out of town to find them but there's never been anyone special really. Maybe Charlene. And that isn't friendship anyway. That's... I don't really know what that is! But perhaps Aden and I could be friends. I like the solitude of boats but I'm aware of a craving for deeper relationships with people. I'm a great people watcher. I observe others as they stroll across the beach, eat in the Diner or hang out at the Surf Club and I can't help but envy the way people seem so connected in this town. I hope one day I could be part of it too. But I feel like I've always been an outside looking in. I probably always will be. Honestly, what am I twittering on about? Friendships and deeper connections... it must be the head injury. I've got some chores to do – dishes to wash, rubbish to take out... I'd best get on.

Saturday 28th February 2009

1:31pm

I enjoyed a nice, long lie-in this morning and then a leisurely bath. My head is still aching a little but it is easing off so I'm not too worried. I've spent the day so far just pottering around, cleaning and tidying and enjoying not working and having to spend any time with Robbo. Oh dear, is this really what my life has come to – revolving it around whether I have to see him or not? I sent Aden a text to see whether he would like to do something tonight and he said he did. I'm really pleased. I'm desperate to get a social life!

Sunday 1st March 2009

8:11pm

I saw the cutest girl last night while I was out with Aden. I have no idea who she is. To be fair, I have no idea who most people here are. But she was beautiful – slim with long, wavy, dark hair and the most captivating eyes. She made a cameo in my dreams! Wow...

Anyway, putting my hormones to one side, Aden and I had a good time. It was good to get to know him outside of work. He seems like a nice, safe guy. He's obviously besotted with his girlfriend, Belle. He says he's worried about her at the moment because she's so stressed out but he's playing dutiful boyfriend and taking care of her as much as he can. I know he takes a lot of sneaky phone calls from her at work. He asked me a lot about myself and I tried not to show my discomfort. I tried not to be uncomfortable. I guess I'm just used to hiding away and keeping secrets. I need to unlearn that really. He asked about boyfriends. I tried not to laugh. I'm so not ready to talk about that yet. I just told him that I wasn't really ready for a relationship or anything yet. I just wanted to settle down at work rather than having any distractions. That's how we got talking about Belle actually. We talked a little about Robbo. Aden doesn't like him either. He says he doesn't like the way he treats me and that he's testing his patience. It's nice to know that I have someone on my side. Oh, that's the door...

Sunday 1st March 2009

9:24pm

It was Robbo at the door. I really can't stand him. He came to see Brett but couldn't resist having a word with me before coming into the living room. He told me that my days on the boat were numbered and that there was nothing I could do about it. I chose not to react. I smiled, offered him and Brett a beer each and now I'm back in my room, determined to stay out of their way. I'm going to get an early night and be up and ready for anything tomorrow. The more he throws at me, the nicer I'm going to be. Then in theory, he'll get bored and leave me alone.

Monday 2nd March 2009

12:36pm

You'd think it would be pretty hard to have a worse work day than Friday when I got knocked overboard but today is not looking so hot. It started okay. I woke up, went to get coffees for everyone (including Robbo – yuck!) from the Diner and caught sight of that hot woman again, in a police uniform, no less, and then started working. The atmosphere on the boat is insane. Robbo has been sticking to me like shit to a blanket! Everywhere I go, he goes. Has he never heard of personal space? And it's not like I can tell him to get the hell away because that would ruin my whole 'I'm being nice to him' tack. I swear I even heard someone comment that he and I were together. That would be funny if it weren't so tragic. Me and Robbo? Yuck! Goodness, imagine if he ever found out about me and his sister! He'd go crazy. I don't think I'm in any danger there though. She's even further in the closet than I am and I don't see her emerging into a butterfly any time soon. And if she does, she'd better not try and take me with her!

Anyway, if Robbo thinks he's going to oust me off this boat, he's got another thing coming. He's not making things easy but I'm no quitter and I'm not sacrificing my life and my dreams for his sake. He's been making inappropriate comments, loaded with sexual innuendo all day. I've been nice. I haven't taken the bait. I haven't got angry. I've been faultless. Except with Aden. I know I've been really snappy with him and I feel terrible about it, especially considering we had such a nice night on Saturday. But all my effort is going into tolerating Robbo. I don't have the energy to handle Aden's questions too. I'll talk to him later. I'll apologise and make it right with him as soon as I can. Right now, I'm going to make a complaint about safety on this boat. If I can convince them that Robbo was responsible for the accident on Friday, maybe he'll get fired and I can live in peace. Here's hoping!

Monday 2nd March 2009

10:01pm

I feel sick. I've taken four showers. I still can't stop shaking. I feel so sick.

Monday 2nd March 2009

11:52pm

Pull yourself together, Joey. Clear your head. Prepare yourself to be strong, stronger than you've ever needed to be before.

Monday 2nd March 2009

11:54pm

I can't.

Tuesday 3rd March 2009

12:39am

I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I can see his face, his body. I hurt. Physically and emotionally. I can't cope. He's ripped me apart.

Tuesday 3rd March 2009

2:00am

I still can't sleep. And I still can't explain what happened. How can I face work tomorrow?

Tuesday 3rd March 2009

5:30am

I'm exhausted and restless all at the same time. There is no way I can go back to that boat. He's won. It's over. I quit.

Tuesday 3rd March 2009

10:36am

I've spent the morning fussing around the house. I got out of bed after no sleep and had a long shower. Then I told Gibsy that I'm not coming back to work. He didn't really care. Now I've cleaned the house, done the washing and made the beds. I thought maybe I could actually begin to write in here properly but I can't. It's too much. I'm going to hang the washing out.

Tuesday 3rd March 2009

5:00pm

Aden came to visit me today. I don't know why I was surprised. He's always trying to do the right thing and I guess we're friends. He wanted to know why I walked out when I'd been telling him all this time how much the job meant to me. And I know it must seem strange to an outsider but there is no way on this earth that I will ever tell him or another living soul about anything that happened to me. What happened between Robbo and I, stays between Robbo and I. It will remain forever inside that boat and never emerge. I'm not talking about it. I'm not writing about it. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick.

Well, Robbo got what he wanted in the end. I was delusional to think that I had any chance of beating him. Just like reality never matches up to a fantasy, evil always wins out over good. I should have figured that out by now. But then, maybe I'm not so good. Maybe I deserved it. Most of the Summer Bay residents would be shocked and appalled by me if they knew me. I'm not exactly the picture of innocence, sneaking off into the city any chance I get, not bothering to fight this attraction to women. Maybe life is punishing me in some terribly harsh way? No, I'm really not writing about this.

Where was I? Aden came by but I didn't want to talk to him. He said that I needed to come to the boat for the inspection about the complaint I'd made. I'd almost forgotten about it. I made it twenty-four hours before Aden visited, back when I was confident and naive. I might have still gone ahead if I hadn't had to appear in person but to go to war, as it were, with the boat is too much for me. I need a clean break. I need to keep my head down and heal. I'm in so much pain, in every possible way. I just need to escape. I can't deal with any of this.

It took me forever just to leave the house. I started sweating and shaking and I threw up all over one of the sheets I'd hung up on the line. By the time I arrived and caught a glimpse of Robbo wandering around without a care in the world, I'd made up my mind about things for sure. He has everything and I have nothing. I don't stand a chance against him. He proved that, if nothing else, yesterday. And I am never, ever going through anything like that again. I'd rather die. I plucked up every ounce of courage I had, which isn't a lot, and headed toward the boat, grateful that Aden was there. I know he still works for them but I also know that if Robbo had laid a hand on me in front of anybody, Aden would have stepped in. I withdrew the complaint but the inspector was already concerned about health and safety on the boat and he and Robbo got into a fight because he temporarily shut them down. The police were called and Aden took me out of the way while we waited for them. I tried so hard to keep it together but all I wanted to do was cry and run away. But I had to stay because I was a 'witness'. I desperately wanted to see Robbo arrested. Unfortunately it didn't happen. The inspector guy was disgruntled but didn't seem keen on pressing charges so the officers let it go. One of them, ironically the woman I've lusted over twice in recent days, came over to talk to Aden and I. She noticed that I was in a bad way. I didn't even have the energy or inclination to pay attention to her. That's a worrying measurement of how bad things are. I was embarrassed that she had seen my desperation. Is it that obvious? Do I have rape victim tattooed to my forehead? Oh God, I actually wrote it down.