Letter Exchange

Chapter Three

Harry Potter To Lord Voldemort

Snakey:

Does McGonagall know about the thing you had with Lucius Malfoy or do you enjoy stringing along (insane) women with incredible lack of eye-sight? Did Bellatrix really call you her sexy, mushy love-muffin? You're bald, your eyes are red, your nose is actually WORSE than Michael Jackson's (and I won't tell you my other suspicions..), not to mention the fact that you're trying to take over the world! Seriously, did you confound my professor?

Harry Potter

Potter:

Are you trying to imply that I'm a homosexual child-molester?

Lord Voldemort

Snakey:

You never denied Lucius was pretty nor did you actually answer my questions. Plus, you have practically stalked me my whole life. So, are you?

Harry Potter

Potter:

I was trying to kill you, Potter. That is entirely different from "stalking". I never spied on you in your bed or anything. I am not a child-molester, Potter. Perhaps your professor is interested in me because I shower her with affection and catnip (and killed Mrs. Norris).

Lord Voldemort

Snakey:

I'm pretty sure stalking is stalking no matter what spin you'd like to put on it. I'd like to point out that you still haven't denied being homosexual. I'm surprised that Mrs. Norris was your work. I thought it might've been a side-effect of the Class D restricted potion I slipped into her water. I guess we'll never know.

Harry Potter

Potter:

Why are you questioning my sexuality? Jealous?

Lord Voldemort

Snakey:

Oh yeah, I'm totally jealous. I've been dying to go on down you. I think it's sexy that you're bald, ugly, psychotic and murdered my parents. Let me dump my GIRLFRIEND so we can run off into the sunset together and have babies.

Harry Potter

Potter:

Sarcasm doesn't become you. I'm surprised you have a girlfriend. Usually these things make the headlines. How is the youngest Weasley?

Lord Voldemort

Snakey:

I might have to obliviate myself to get that mental image out of my head! Ginny is my sister! We tried dating and it was a bloody disaster (literally, Charlie broke my nose). She has some super-secret boyfriend. Ron knows who it is but every time someone asks he holds his nose and rubs his head. Sometimes he covers his groin. Mrs. Weasley wants to have him checked out with a healer. I'm seeing this girl who's incredibly smart. Stop trying to change the topic. You're gayer than Dumbledore.

Harry Potter

Potter:

No one is gayer than Albus Dumbledore. So you're dating that mudblood. Snape always said she was an annoying know-it-all. Everyone presumed she would end up with Weasley.

Lord Voldemort

Snakey:

Wrong again. I'm not dating Hermione. I'll give you a hint: she's a blonde Ravenclaw. Now, stop dodging the bloody questions. Are you gay? Was Lucius your slut? What did you do to McGonagall? She's wearing her hair down! Wait, I take that back. Do not answer that question!

Harry Potter

Potter:

The daughter of that crazy editor of the Quibbler. No, I am not gay. Lucius wasn't a slut, except for this one time he got drunk and had sex with Macnair's manticore. About your professor, let's just say certain Dark rituals can be done to increase one's stamina and that transfiguration is much more useful than you think.

Lord Voldemort

Snakey:

There were so many things wrong with that message. Maybe I can get Bill to obliviate it from my memory. If not, I could go stick a fork in the toaster I guess. Luna's dating Fred or George. I can't remember which. I think they might be a threesome, actually, but no one's been brave enough to ask. I am dating Mandy Brocklehurst, actually. Did you know she's distantly related to Mad-Eye Moody? I sure as hell didn't. I really hate that glass eye of his. On the bright side, we did it in three positions before he beat the hell out of me.

Harry Potter