Disclaimer: I do not own anything that associates with Gundam Wing nor Gundam Wing itself. Any other copyrighted materials that I may mention in this fic do not belong to me either.
Chapter One Notes: Drama
When there's nothing left
Chapter 1 "Pacifist Blood"
I tried to cry myself to sleep last night...
But I couldn't
War. What I lived for. What I was trained for. What I was born for. There's nothing wrong with war. That's what they told me. I was being told far to many things, and there was no room in my mind for my own thoughts. I didn't have my own thoughts. Being programmed, given detailed notes on intended proceedings, that's what I was used to. I asked no questions, made no comments, for what it seemed like an eternity the only words that came out my mouth were words of acknowledgment. For awhile I became afraid of my own voice. I was afraid to state my own opinions. I was afraid of what they might do to me. Most of all, I was afraid to cry.
"I still don't quite understand your intentions." The woman was nervous, pale, and was shaking with fever. The man by her bedside didn't show any signs of being irritated by the young woman's questions.
"We want your son to be a part of our organization." The man tried to summarize the many words he wanted to say to the frightened woman. The woman shook her head furiously.
"I do not want my son in an organization that merely uses him as a tool for war!" She pleaded, her yelling caused her to cough heavily and made her feel faint.
"Perhaps he wont be needed. But if OZ does try something we will be forced to retaliate." The man explained, "We promise to raise your son and to treat him as if he were our own."
The woman gaped at him, in astonishment. ÒI want him to lead a normal life! I do not want my son to be in an organization for war and used as a tool for it!Ó She disputed, her feverish tears spilling out over her cheeks. The man sighed in defeat.
"All right. We'll send him to the orphanage. But I'm warning you Tiya-sama, there's no guarantee he will be safe there." The man said. He got up from the chair he had been upon for hours, and walked towards the door. Tiya pulled her knees to her chest and sobbed quietly.
The birth of Tiya's son lasted for five hours She had told the doctors she wanted nothing more than to see her son just once before she passed away. There were no complications during birth, for the baby at least. Tiya was having trouble breathing after the third hour and the process became much more difficult. However, Tiya was overwhelmed with happiness when she heard her son's cries echoing off the room walls, and a wave of relief spread through her. She fainted a moment later, and she died, never getting to see her son.
When the baby boy finally stopped crying and opened his eyes, his vision was blurred. He squirmed and brought his tiny hands to his eyes, trying to rub them but only succeeded in hitting himself in the face. He gave out a sharp cry and yanked his head to one side, towards the window, where parents were gathered gawking at their children. The first thing the boy spotted, was two, deep blue eyes, staring at him. When his vision cleared he saw a man. He had no idea what it was but he didn't like it, and he cried loudly until the nurses came.
The man stood there and watched the nurses pick up the boy, hold him, rock him. He wanted to go in there. He wanted to scoop his son into his arms and hold him forever, but he couldn't do that. He was involved in a war. And the last thing he wanted was for his son to be involved in a war as well. A woman at his left who was making cooing sounds at a baby girl near the window turned to him, a bright smile on her face.
"She's my niece." She said proudly. The man didn't reply. The woman shrugged, then she saw the man staring at the baby now in the nurse's arms.
"Is he yours?" She asked politely, giving him a warm smile. The man, still not looking at her, shook his head.
"No." The woman smiled anyway.
"Strange, he has your eyes."
Operation meteor. What most of my life was based on. Revenge, at first for something I didn't understand. I asked no questions, so instead I listened to the others talk. When I was a boy it was nothing but meaningless words to me, but as I grew I began to understand. Never completely. Strangely, I had pacifist blood. I could feel it. It's almost like I could feel other people's emotions. But I was trained otherwise. I was trained to kill. Although I killed, I still felt sympathy towards the innocent. I felt there was no reason for them to suffer, or to be sacrificed. After a certain incident, my training intensified to a great extent. I was trained to be a machine. My pacifist blood had been drained, lost, forgotten. They were the emptiest years of my life. I felt nothing. When I want to laugh, I couldn't. When I wanted to cry, I couldn't. When I wanted to die, I couldn't. The most frustrating part about it. It seemed every time I had a fair chance to let my life go, something caught me.
There was a place in my heart that they had forgotten to block off, and to destroy. Human emotions can be tricky, right to the very end, or when you think it's the end. They had taught me not to show kindness towards other human beings, but they couldn't stop me from feeling affection. I had never felt affection before. Not for anyone. Not even for the people who brought me up, the people who trained me and seemed to hate me. Then there were the people that didn't hate me, which confused me even more.
As I entered my late teens, my male hormones kicked in. I forced myself to ignore it. Ignore everything that was happening to me. Physically and emotionally. Physically, it was easy, but not emotionally. I first realized this when I met Relena. The first female I had ever been acquainted with after puberty. At first I felt nothing, I also felt she needed to be killed. She knew too much. But my affection took the best of me, and I could not for the life of me let her die.
The first time I truly discovered this was when I was staying at the Saint Gabrielle Institution. I really don't know how I found myself there. But I soon learned that my heart had led me to it, had led me to her. Right after the Vice Foreign Minister died, which happened to be Relena's father, she came into my room and told me she had met Doctor J., someone she would regret meeting later on.
"Can I ask you why you saved my life, Doctor J.?" Relena started, and then her eyes shifted to the ground as an uncomfortable gesture.
"Is it because of my father, because I'm DarlianÕs daughter?" She finished quietly. Doctor J. stared at her with intense eyes through his thick glasses.
"Of course not, it's because you have that same look in your eyes as Heero did, that genuine expression." He said softly. He paused, and seemed to be thinking for a moment.
"Heero is actually a kind hearted young boy." Relena mouth opened slightly, and her eyes turned sad.
"Yes I know that."
"But Heero is very dedicated to his missions. Doctor J. pointed out. ÒStay away from him, if you value your life."
I really don't know what Doctor J. told Relena that night. But by the way she talked to me, I could tell he had told her who I was, or rather, who I was trained to be. I was trained to be Heero Yuy, the professional assassin. And that night at the institution, that's who I was.
I had an idea of why OZ attacked the institution that night. Lady Une, a representative from OZ, was the one who killed Vice Foreign Minister Darlian. The assassination didn't go as planned, and Relena ended up witnessing the horrible sight. The girl, only fifteen, watched her father die. Lady Une must have been concerned that Relena would blow her cover, so she set out to kill her.
There were about fifty mobile suits at the school that night. My first concern was the civilians there. No one was killed, but Relena soon put herself in the worst position she could have. I had to get to my gundam, so I left, running through the forest, thinking of nothing but keeping Relena safe, which I cursed myself for. It was strange, the thoughts I was having while I was running through that forest, hearing the sound of shots being fired from the enemy. I was worried about her. I hadn't been worried about anyone for such a long time, and it was a strange feeling, a painful feeling. Pain I hadn't felt since the time he died.
"Odin!" The little boy screamed as he ran towards a young man. He frowned at his childish scream, and the way his voice was so high. He didn't want to be like that. Odin wanted him to be a man.
The boy reached the bloody figure on the floor. He had been shot in the chest. The man turned his head to look at the boy. His vision was blurry but he recognized the messy brown hair, different from his own, which was blond and combed back. And those eyes, those big, dark prussian blue eyes, the total opposite from his own light brown specks. He had told the boy he was his father, but he didn't think he believed it.
"Odin, are you all right?" The little boy asked, trying to keep his voice at a manly tone, and told back his tears. He knelt down beside the man who claimed to be his father, staring with his eyes wide. The man grinned.
"Just a flesh wound." He coughed. The boy watched the blood trickle between the man's fingers where he was holding his injured chest.
"I should have listened to you, I am getting old." Odin mumbled, remembering something the boy had said earlier. He chuckled a bit at the statement. The young one beside him couldn't laugh, he bent his head forward and let hot tears trickle down his cheeks.
"Don't you dare!" The man snapped suddenly, causing the boy to jump and look up, surprised.
"Don't you dare cry, boy. You cry to much, you know that?" The man grimaced. The boy looked confused. He was almost sure this was the first time Odin saw him cry.
Odin tried to lift his head, "Ever since you were born, all you did was cry, but I guess you had a reason to. But now you don't. And you never will. YouÕre free boy. Live a free life." Odin scoffed. The boy shivered.
"W-what do mean?Ó
"Act on your emotions, kid. Always. Your mother always did. And you have her blood." Odin continued. The boy stiffened.
"I thought you told me to hide my emotions, you told me that no one should see them." The boy sobbed.
"When it feels right, it's ok. But now it's not. Don't use up your emotions on me kid, feel lucky that you're loosing me."
"But-"
"And don't you cry for anyone." Odin advised, "Everyone's lives are in their own hands." At that, he picked up a detonator by his side that he was going to use to destroy an OZ base. He held his hand out towards the child.
"Complete my mission kid. Not just in this, but in my life."
The boy reached out with a shaky hand and grasped the detonator. He wiped his tears away with the sleeve of his shirt.
"Remember kid, the only way to live a good life is to act on your emotions." Odin's hand fell back to his side, and went limp. The boy stared down at the man's dead body.
The child reached his hand out, holding the detonator, and put his thumb on the button.
"Ninmu...ryokai."
Fighting those mobile suits to save Relena didn't feel right in the soldier part of my heart, but it felt right everywhere else. Everything went fine until I saw her. I saw her standing there, peering up at my gundam, through my gundam, through my invisible emotion shield, at me.
"Heero."
I shivered. That name. How she said it. It caused my heart to pulse and my fists to clench. It was as if nothing could control that wave of affection that passed through me at that instant, when she said that name. I felt my lips open against my will.
"Relena."
I don't know how she heard me but she did. She always heard me, because she could see right through me. Before I knew it, she was in danger. My heart was still pulsing, and without thinking, I saved her. Putting my own life in jeopardy, I saved her. She seemed to be as surprised as I was. I didn't like that. I didn't like thinking that she thought I would let her life go, but it was something to believe. I had told her I would kill her, and even tested her once or twice, but I still didn't like her to be afraid of me.
I was so scared after I saved her. I was scared of myself, and I was scared of my emotions. It was more than I could take. There was no way I could get my mouth to speak to her, so I did the only thing I could. Run away. I heard her shout my name. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't.
Of course that wasn't the last time I saw Relena. I couldn't get away from her. I didn't feel like she was stalking me, because somewhere in the pit my heart I wanted her to be with me. But that feeling was very deep within me, further than I could reach. However there was one moment, for just a second, where I reached down and found that love for her, that had been waiting so long to get out. It was too much for me however, and before I could show it, my body failed, my heart failed, and I let go of that love for her. But I know that it's not that far away.
Heero stood, a bit shaken from what he had just been through, almost death. Yes, he had looked death in the eye more than once. He held his gun up, his arm sturdy, at the young girl before him. Knowing he was out of bullets, he pulled the trigger. At the click, the girl fainted, and was put out of her misery of being controlled. For a moment he wished he could do the same.
"I've destroyed Marimeia. I will...never kill anyone, ever again..I-I don't have to anymore." Heero stuttered. He felt his legs weaken below him, and gravity claim his body. Strangely enough, he heard his name being called, and felt himself fall into the arms he had wanted to be in for so long. Love spread through him like lighting, but the sensation only lasted a moment, before he was out cold.
The last time I saw her was when my love was let out. Since then it has be enclosed inside of me. When I left I didn't say good-bye, it would hurt too much. Instead I left without notice, and I can still hear her calling my name for the past three years. I'm tired of making her wait. There's no sense in what I'm doing. I want to end this despair in my life. And I want it to end now.
TBC
Author's Notes: So, what do you think so far? The rest of it isn't as boring as this- so don't worry! Oh, and I know about the little O's that pop up everywhere! Please don't tell me about them! ^_^;;;