He chokes it down, every time he sees her.

He chokes down the urge to pull her into her arms and tell her he loves her, that he always has and he always will. He forces himself not to tell her that he knows he ruined everything and can't she just give him one more chance? He's trying to change he really really is he'd do anything for her he wants her so much she can't even imagine sometimes when he looks at her it hurts so bad he wonders if this is what hell is like I love you...

He chokes it down like the ghastly medicine his mother used to give him for coughs, back when he ran around the yard with dirty feet and not a care in the world it's only a second Owen love then you'll feel better and he always did and he loved her for being right every time. He'd hug her and she didn't care if he was contagious or not, she just rocked him until he fell asleep. He hasn't felt safe like that in over 25 years.

He chokes it down like the vomit that pushed it's way up the back of his throat each time he saw yet another good man die. Choked it back almost every single fucking day until that day when his world completely came apart and he turned into this. It would have been inconceivable to him 6 months ago that he could try to kill something so beautiful, that he could be so sick that he wouldn't even know until he was pushed aside and he heard the screaming and saw Cristina, eyes filled with tears and fear. Fear. Cristina, who was so fearless, was afraid of him.

So he pushes the words back and almost chokes on his fake smile. She stares back, trying to figure out if he really misses her that little or if he's dying a little more inside each day just like she is.

A/N: It's supposed to have run-on sentence sentences. Supposed to be sort of stream-of-conciousness-y. IDK how long ago C and O first met. I didn't even remember that he choked her until it was almost done lol.