Disclaimers: Cursing, threats to national security, boy love...

You know.

I don't own -Man. Or anything else in this fanfiction. Except the plot.

Enjoy~

((Or else.))

A bleeding goddamned flight attendant. Could Allen's life get any worse?

Well, he supposed he shouldn't ask that. After all, at least they weren't making him wear a pencil skirt. And at least he was getting paid.

In all actuality, he had to admit he didn't look half bad. He had his hair up in a short ponytail, and the hat sort of reminded him of the British police force.

He grinned in the mirror, straightening his hat and flattening out a wrinkle in his pants. Young for the job? Maybe. But damn, did he look the part.

He sat there patiently in the back of the plane with his legs crossed and his hands folded in his lap for the pilot to finish his long, drawn out speech about how to ride an airplane. Thankfully, Allen wasn't one of the people who had to demonstrate how to use a seatbelt and all that jazz. He doubted people would be able to see him past the heads in front of them, anyways.

Jeez. You know it's bad when you start making short cracks about yourself. He sighed quietly, but was cut short when the plane lurched forwards.

What, they were moving? When did this happen? Allen scolded himself for not paying attention, and buckled his seat-belt. Up up and away, off to Neverland!

Oh, they were going to Florida, weren't they…?

"Attention passengers, we have now reached cruising altitude and I'm turning off the seatbelt sign, feel free to move about the cabin. However, I would ask that you keep your seatbelt buckled if you choose to remain seated. Thank you."

Allen unbuckled and jumped out of his seat, stretching. Now all he had to do was wait for—

"The flight attendants will now be coming by with carts of refreshments."

Oh, that was fast. Allen walked over and placed himself behind a cart. He pushed slightly.

"Holy…" those things were heavier than they looked. Then again, Allen was stronger than he looked. With a bit of a start, he easily pushed the trolley down one of the aisles.

"Drinks, anyone?" he chimed, with a blinding smile. People pleaser, that's him.

A water there, a soda here…No one else for now? Alright.

He continued walking, but stopped for a moment when he accidentally brushed against someone's elbow. The said "someone" gave a diminuending whistle, which had basically the same effect as a wolf call.

"Oh, pardon me, sir," Allen said, ignoring the whistle. Some people were pricks, really, and you just had to ignore them.

"No, no trouble," came the reply. Wait, wait, didn't Allen know that voice?

He looked down.

"God have mercy," he cried quietly.

"Er, I mean, hello, Tyki."

Allen finished his refreshment run and took refuge in the back of the plane. Passengers weren't allowed back there. He was safe, for now.

Of course, anyone else who swung around thought he was crazy, due to how panicked he looked when there was obviously nothing wrong.

Breathe, Allen, breathe. He's just a passenger, just like everyone else. He just happens to be on the same plane that you just now started to work on. Yeah. Just happens.

For some reason, Allen highly doubted that.

"Hey, Allen," one of the more seasoned flight attendants called.

"Hm? Yeah?"

"Someone's pressed the 'assist' button at their seat. Why don't you go help them, okay?"

"Oh, yeah, okay…what seat?"

"21B."

"Kay."

"Tyki, you do realize we have procedures for people who press that button for no reason."

"But…I need help."

"Yes, I am aware."

"Oh, that's just mean."

"You deserve it and more."

"Yes, I do deserve more."

"Well, I don't think I'm allowed to verbally abuse the passengers."

"I'd take abuse from you any day."

"…okay, anyways, why did you press the button?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, I think my seatbelt's stuck."

Tyki couldn't resist a grin.

"…Bloody hell, Tyki, you are a pervert."

"Awwww, come on. I'm serious…"

Allen clenched his teeth in a grimace. Why was it the creepy guys? Why could he never have a normal person pine after him?

"Don't you dare touch me," Allen stated, and then leaned over to unbuckle the creep's seatbelt.

Tyki complacently kept his hands still. Of course, one of his hands was being kept still on the armrest that Allen was leaning over.

"Oh, blinding, it really is stuck, isn't it," Allen groaned, standing back up. Of course, he didn't doubt for a second that Tyki had done it on purpose.

"Uhm, yeah. But wait, I think you almost got it. Try again."

"Tyki, bloody hell, you really do need help."

"Yeah, but my last therapist got sent to the loony bin before he could send me."

"Well, that's a shame."

"In'nit, though?"

Allen looked up as someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Oh, sorry," he said, and then slipped past Tyki into the empty seat next to him.

"Well, what's this?" Tyki asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Shut up, I'm just getting out of the aisle until we get your stupid seatbelt unstuck."

"Hm, I see."

"Yeah, don't get your hopes up, pervert."

"Of course not."

If Allen could have seen Tyki's face when he started working with the seatbelt again, a certain someone would have probably gotten slapped.

"Hey Allen, while you're down there, you might as well give me a bl—owwwwww."

Or an elbow in the stomach. That works, too.

"Tyki, why is there a paperclip in here."

"Haven't the foggiest."

"I highly doubt that."

So did Tyki.

"Hey, you have any tweezers?"

"Oh, yeah, hold on."

Tyki pulled out a Swiss Army Knife.

"BLOODY HELL. Tyki, why do you have that on an airplane, for god's sakes?"

"Oh. Uhm…I don't know. You want tweezers or not?"

Allen was starting to fear for his safety. "Yeah, hand them over."

In around a minute, Tyki's seatbelt finally released him.

"Wow, you're good with your hands, aren't you?" the older of the two exclaimed.

"You, for one, are never going to find out how good, that's for sure," Allen grumbled, pocketing the paperclip and handing Tyki's threat to national security back.

"If you say so…"

"I do say so. And if you wouldn't mind moving your legs a bit, I'm leav—"

Allen was interrupted by a "ding" as the seatbelt sign turned on.

"Attention, passengers, we will be experiencing some slight turbulence, so if you could find your seats immediately, that would be dandy."

Tyki pushed Allen back into the empty seat.

"Looks like you're staying here for now," he purred, buckling his seatbelt again. Allen groaned, and reluctantly strapped himself in. He really needed to go to church more. God obviously hated him for something.

Allen pointedly stared out the window. The clouds looked kind of dark…creepy.

"Hey, Allen," Tyki said. Allen turned around, against his better judgment.

Once he did, he was met with a kiss.

"Thanks for getting my seatbelt," Tyki said. With a wink.

"Y-yeah," Allen stammered, his face turning red. He hurriedly turned to look out the window again.

"Aww, how cute," Tyki said, smiling. Allen folded his arms and squared his shoulders, leaning into his seat. He did not like being "aww"'d at. And he couldn't help but notice that Tyki could probably see his ears turning bright red.

"Allen," Tyki said again. This time he didn't turn around.

"What."

"You've got something on your pants."

"Big deal."

"No, seriously."

"I don't care."

"But…"

"Sod off, Tyki."

But for some reason, this translated to Tyki as "well, get it off, then" and he took the liberty of leaning over and getting it off his pants. Of course, "it" just happened to be on the in-side of one of Allen's thighs.

"Bloody hell, Tyki, do you want me to get you arrested? I'm pretty sure I could at this point!"

"I was just getting a piece of lint off for you."

"I could have gotten it off myself."

"But you weren't."

"Augh," Allen groaned in frustration. He glared up at the seatbelt sign, willing it to turn off. Off. Off I say.

Surprisingly enough, it did.

"Oh thank god," Allen breathed, reaching to unbuckle his seatbelt.

Er, uhm, unbuckle…his seatbelt…

For some odd reason, it wouldn't come off.

"Tyki. What did you do."

"Oh, whatever do you mean?"

"I'm going to bleeding kill you."

"It's not my fault the seatbelts are faulty."

"Huh. Right," Allen grumbled. He stared at his seatbelt. Then he decided that he would rather get out of there right now, fixed belt or not. He tried to pull the seatbelt out so he could slip out from under it.

It wouldn't budge.

"Tyki, in any other situation I would be amazed at whatever you did to these. But seriously. You. Need. Help."

"Looks more like you need help with that seatbelt," Tyki said. Allen frowned, turning pink again.

"You bloody well make it quick, Mikk," he grumbled, folding his arms. Tyki did a mock-salute, and pulled out his army knife.

That was possibly the reddest Allen's face had ever been. He wondered if it wasn't steaming.

And he couldn't shake the feeling that he was being very subtly felt up, whether Tyki actually meant it or not. Although…he probably did.

"You're taking an awfully long time down there," Allen pointed out.

"Just enjoying the view…"

"I bet the view's great when you're falling out of an airplane," Allen huffed, shifting himself a little bit.

"Hm," was all Tyki said. Although the seatbelt clicked off a second or two later. "There you go," he said, finally sitting up again.

His eyebrows rose when he saw Allen's face.

"Wow, your face is really red," he said.

"Really," Allen groaned, his voice positively dripping with sarcasm. He tilted his hat towards Tyki, hoping it would help hide his face.

"So, not to sound rude or anything, but you're not going to leave now…?" Tyki asked, looking confused.

"Just leave me alone for a second, you have no idea how hard my heart is beating right now," Allen mumbled.

"Alrighty then," Tyki said, sounding the slightest bit worried. He pulled out a cigarette to chew on.

"Allen, is that you?"

Allen looked up at the other flight attendant standing in the aisle.

"Oh, hey, Ms. Nine," he greeted.

"Jeez, Allen, my god, your face is red. Are you feeling okay?"

"'Tis not so red now as it was before," Tyki added to the conversation. Cloud looked down.

"Oh, and who's this?" she asked.

"An acquaintance of mine," Allen grumbled.

"Tyki Mikk's the name," he said, holding out his hand. Cloud shook it, smiling politely.

"Jeez, Allen's looking at you like you stole something from him," she laughed.

"Only my dignity," Allen said, sighing. Cloud laughed.

"Well, if you don't mind, Mr. Mikk, I think I'm going to have to take Allen away from you. Feel free to visit him in the back of the plane, though."

Tyki nodded. "Thanks," he said, sparing a glance at Allen as he squeezed by.

"Don't bother," Allen mouthed as he walked away. Tyki grinned.

"You two seemed like very interesting 'acquaintances'," Cloud said, raising her eyebrow. Allen flopped down on a seat.

"He's a friend of a friend. I barely know him," Allen said, folding his arms. Cloud thought it looked rather like he was pouting.

"It didn't seem that way to me," she said, smiling. "Come on, I'm a woman, I have experience in these sort of situations."

"'These sort'? What sort would that be?" Allen squeaked.

"Oh, I think you know," Cloud purred. Then she took a couple steps towards the exit. "I'm going to go discuss a few things with the captain, kay?"

Then she left.

Allen had a very foreboding feeling about it all.

Allen's foreboding feeling was justified when Tyki swung around for a visit.

"Hey buddy," he said, smiling and sitting down, right next to Allen.

"There are no friends of yours here," Allen grumbled, leaning on the wall.

"Oh, so are we more than friends, then?"

"No. We're 'acquaintances'."

"An 'acquaintance' can be many, many things, Allen m' dear," Tyki said, leaning closer.

"Including stalker and stalkee," Allen said, frowning and pushing Tyki away.

Tyki leaned in again and kissed the reluctant boy. Again.

"You're not supposed to look love struck when your stalker kisses you, Allen."

"Sh-shut up. It's hormones and stuff. I'm 15 for god's sakes, I can't help it!"

"I'm 26, and I can't help it, either."

Another kiss.

"You're an arsehole."

"But you know you like it."

"I never said I didn't."

Allen pulled Tyki down to his height, and they had a little fun.

Of course, it was the type of fun that could be easily cut-off if needed.

"W-wait, Tyki," Allen said.

"Huh? Why?"

"Listen."

The sound of high-heels heading towards the back of the plane.

"Tyki get off," Allen hissed, pushing the older man slightly.

"Yeah I know I know."

Allen put his hat back on and buttoned his jacket back up, just in time.

Cloud Nine walked in.

"Hey you two," she said.

"Hey," they both said.

Cloud raised an eyebrow.

"You seem awfully flustered, Allen," she said.

"Do I?" Allen asked. Tyki looked over at him.

"Don't seem flustered to me," he said.

"Ah. Well, I don't know why I would be flustered," Allen said, shrugging.

"No, me neither," Tyki added.

"Not in the slightest."

"At all."

"For no reason."

"Any."

Cloud stared at them.

"Right. You guys are weird."

Yeeeah. My friends and I had this joke about Allen being a flight attendant and Tyki always sneaking onto the plane. So. This was born.

And, "diminuending" is so totally a word. Shhhh.

R&R please. C: