A/N: Yes another story when I can't even update the others every month. Sad isn't it? Thanks to my wonderful beta Mei-chan for beta-ing and thinking this was worthy enough to post. Enjoy.
Chapter 1
I remember the first time I saw you. You didn't even realize I was there. I don't blame you. You probably didn't see me. I'm not mad though. I was hidden. You were walking with that pink-haired girl. Do you know I know her name? Sakura. I heard you call her that. She said something and then you smiled. You started laughing, and I think part of me died then. You went in that pastry shop across the street, the one owned by that brown-haired man, the one with the scar across his nose. I've always wanted to go in there. It looks so warm and inviting. That man, Iruka, he's always smiling. Every day there are fresh pastries in the window. I'll never be welcomed though.
For once, I would like to go in there. You know what? I think tonight I will. I'll walk in and I'm going to order one of those frou frou drinks, with the whipped cream on top. I don't really like sweet things but for once I'd like to try that. Do you think he'll smile at me the way he smiles at everyone else? I think I'll order a cherry crepe too. I've always wanted to try those. Do you know? Even if he kicks me out, I won't mind because at least I've been able to enter that place. I'll understand if he kicks me out. I'll probably end up tainting it. That's okay too because I'm sure you can make it pure once more.
Hey, what's it like? Is the coffee good? People are always smiling when they walk in. Was that crepe you had really good? You looked so happy when you bit into it. Your eyes closed for just a moment and you got such a look on your face....I think my heart stopped beating. I even remember what you were wearing that day. A black shirt under a vibrant orange jacket and dark blue jeans.
Hey, do you know? When I first saw you, I never thought someone like you could exist. I stayed there, watching you as you sat by the window, so carefree, so pure, so beautiful, sitting there with your friend. You said something and she giggled, and I hated her. God, how I hated her. Just for a moment I was tempted to run in there and strangle the life out of her, so I could replace her. Funny, right? Probably not. I'm known for my temper, after all.
Hey, do you want to know where I was when I saw you? I was sitting in that alley across the street. 'Why you ask? You want to know why I was sitting there? Okay, I'll tell you, but only because it's you. I'm always there, you know. After an assignment, I come to sit here all day. No one ever comes back here because the building next to it is empty, up for sale. Has been for years. I overdid it the night before so I was resting. It hurt to move; everything hurt, like everything hurts now. I think part of it was because I lost too much blood. Why does it hurt so much now? It never hurt this much before. Sometimes, I've had trouble breathing but it always passed. Now, it's so difficult. My chest hurts with every breath. Before I knew you existed, I could bare it; but now I can't take it anymore.
The second time I saw you, you came in that shop again. This time you were with that silver-haired guy, the weird one that always wears a mask. He's been coming to this shop for as far back as I can remember. He ruffled your hair as you walked in the door. Even from across the street, I heard the little bell chime as you pulled the door open. You were grinning at him, your smile so big I felt like it could swallow me. It was late in the evening and I was so tired. My side was sore and my hands were covered in blood, but what's new, right? You want to know why my side was sore? That bastard got a lucky hit in before I-... never mind you don't need to know.
It wasn't really busy that evening so you sat at a table with the silver-haired man, and the brunette joined you too. You three sat there. From the alley I could see you laughing. You looked so incredibly happy. Do you know? That was the day I found out where you lived. By the time you left the shop it was late, it was getting dark, and I knew I only had a few hours before I was expected back. I wasn't ready to let you go yet though. When you started walking away, I stood up and followed you. Are you mad at me for doing that? Don't worry, I didn't get close; I made sure not to do that. I couldn't risk you becoming tainted by someone like me. Don't worry; I stayed in the parking lot while you climbed the stairs to your apartment. It was a nice building. It looked cozy. Do you know? The first thing I thought when I saw it, was that it fit you. It looked so alive with the lights on and people moving around in the open windows. I wanted to stay a little longer, but my phone rang then and I had to go. I had a job to do. Another mother was going to cry for her son that night.
I realized you have a routine. You started working in that shop about a month after I first saw you. Monday to Saturday from four to nine in the evening you'd be there. Sometimes you'd come earlier so you can sit and enjoy being a customer before working. Sometimes with a friend, sometimes alone, sometimes with that silver-haired man. If you came alone you'd order something and sit staring out the window as people passed by. If you came with someone, you'd sit and chat away with them.
Do you know? Every day for the past three years, ever since that coffee shop opened, I come to sit in this alley. No one has ever seen me yet. Except for this one black cat. That cat is weird. I named it Sherlock. You want to know why? I don't know why, so I have no answer. I'm sorry. Sometimes he comes to lick the blood off my hands. I guess he likes the taste as much as I do. As a matter of fact, he's sitting right here with me now. That's where I'm sitting now, writing this, in this alley. Do you know? I can see you while I write this. You don't believe me? You're wearing a blue sweater, the same shade as your eyes and jeans that fit you perfectly. You're so beautiful. You're so beautiful that I feel like I'm being ripped apart the longer I stare at you. I probably shouldn't have said that.
How long have I been watching you? Exactly six months, that's how long. I know a lot about you. I know that guy named Sai calls you "dickless", and you hate it with a passion. I know you love ramen. I heard you begging the man with the mask - Kakashi is his name - to buy you ramen once. I know you love plants and gardening. I heard you talking about it with that blonde girl, the one with the big rack. I know you want to go to medical school some day, and you're planning to take the exams after you graduate from Konoha University. I know you're determined to prove to those people that said you're dead last that you can do it. How do I know these things? You're loud. I don't mind though. I'm actually really happy that you are. I've learned so much about you. I know you love orange.
Do you know? I passed you once, walked right by you. Don't be mad. I regretted it after but I couldn't take it anymore. Every day I saw you, smiling, happy, I couldn't take it anymore. I'd never been so scared in my life. I was so afraid you'd be able to smell the scent of blood that hovers around me. I held my breath as I walked by. I needed to be close to you. Just once. You know what you did? You smiled at me as I walked by. You smiled at me! That night, when I went to complete my assignment, I was so happy that I overdid it and emptied a whole clip on that fat politician.
I'm sorry, I'm rambling.
So what is the point of all that I've said now? There is one. I think. Like that time you smiled at me, I want you to know I exist. For six months I've been watching you. For six months you've given me a reason to live. Seeing you smile, seeing your eyes shine was enough for me.
It's not enough anymore, though. I realize that now. That's what this pain is. Seeing blood no longer makes that pain go away, hearing their screams doesn't soothe the hole in my heart. Nothing can fill that gaping hole anymore. For a while, the sight of you was enough, but I've become greedy. Please don't be mad. I'm so sorry. I know there's no hope, I can't do this anymore. It's not the same.
I had an assignment last night. The guy had golden hair and brilliant blue eyes. He was young, not as young as you or me. He was maybe in his thirties. When he looked at me I couldn't do it. I stood there, and I realized I couldn't do it. Not because his wife was cowering in the corner, or because the baby she was holding kept screaming. I couldn't do it because he looked like you. He looked so much like you that pain erupted in my chest and I couldn't do it. So I just left. Do you know? That man is a lawyer. What's that? You want to know why I was there? It's because he's been building a case against the man that made me who I am now. Do you know? That lawyer recognized me; he knew who I was. I'm sure he'd never seen me before, but he knew I'm Shukaku. I have a reputation. People know the name Shukaku; but no one has lived long enough to know what I look like. Now that's changed. Before I left, I told him to hide. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. I told him I was quitting. I told him good luck.
Here I go, getting side tracked again.
Do you know? I've imagined what it would be like having you smile at me. I've wondered what it would be like to run my hands through your hair. I've wondered what it would be like to have your fingers on me, touching me. I can't remember the last time I've touched someone. I don't even touch my victims. I've realized that as long as I have these desires, you'll forever be sullied. I've realized that as long as I have these desires, this black hole in me will keep growing until it sucks me in. It's spreading, this blackness in me. It's been growing for years, festering until it's finally consumed all of me. For a while I thought it was okay; it was being kept at bay as long as I could see you. However, I realized that's a lie. Hey, do you know? The last thing I'd like to see is your face, those eyes focused on me.
There's one bullet left in here and it hurts to even breathe. I don't want to die by asphyxiating, so I'm going to do something about that.
I know I don't deserve this. I know I'm committing a sin that I can never hope to be saved from by doing this, by asking you. Will you let me tell you my real name? That's all.
I want to be able to tell you what my real name is.
I've never told someone my real name. Only three people in the world know what it is. I'll wait here for you - the same place I was when I first saw you. I'll wait for as long as I can. It's getting so difficult to breathe.
Will you come?
Naruto's hands shook as he read the words written in elegant scrawl. He'd found the crinkled envelope shoved under his door when he got back from Iruka's pastry shop. There was no address on it, only his name written on the envelope in the same delicate writing. He'd stared at it for a while, unsure of what to make of it. Eventually, he'd opened it and started reading.
At first Naruto thought it was a really bad joke, but as he kept reading, his heart sped up and his body began to shake. Fear clawed its way up his spine as the implications of the words sunk in. He wanted it to be a bad joke, a prank maybe, but he knew it wasn't. Somehow, he knew it wasn't. No one would write something like this for laughs, because it wasn't funny.
The blond sat there on the edge of his bed, in the blue sweater Iruka had bought him for his birthday last year, staring at the last page. His mind was blank. He couldn't think straight. Someone had been watching him. The person even knew where he lived. There was clear obsession in the words, obvious insanity. The young man swallowed as his eyes roved over the last sentence.
Will you come?
This couldn't be real. It couldn't be true. He was at a loss as he read the letter once more, and one more time after that. His eyes lingered on the last sentence as the other pages slipped out of his hand. His little apartment was quiet as he sat there, the sound of his wall clock ticking echoed through the room. Glancing at the clock, he noted it was almost midnight.
Will you come?
He had to be crazy. As he stood up and picked up the pages that had fallen, Naruto knew he had to be out of his mind to even consider it. Come morning they were probably going to find his mangled, sexually assaulted body in some trash can somewhere. Gently, he folded the pages together and stuck them in his back pocket. Walking to his front door, he grabbed up his phone, keys and wallet and left his apartment.
He was running now, his breath coming in bursts.
"You're out of your fucking mind, Uzumaki." The blond grunted as he skid to a halt, panting in front Iruka's pastry shop. Catching his breath, the blond looked across the street, noticing the darkened alley, directly across from the shop. The darkness loomed, daring him. Taking a deep breath, Naruto crossed the street and stood at the entrance. Digging through his pocket, he pulled out the letter and gazed at the words under the faint light from the street lamp.
Steeling himself, Naruto shoved the letter back into his pocket and pulled out his phone. Flipping it open, the blond stepped into the alley, using the bright light of his phone as a make-shift flashlight to illuminate the darker corners of the alley. He thought he heard some shuffling, but he wasn't sure.
"Hello?" The blond called, even his voice shook. "Stop being such a wuss, Uzumaki."
Gritting his teeth, Naruto moved further into the alley. A soft meow caused the blond to jump. Turning to his left, the blond saw a small black cat sitting atop a dumpster, staring at him intently. Naruto stared at the cat for a moment, frowning. A line from the letter came back to mind instantly.
"Sherlock?"
At the name, the cat jumped of the dumpster and ducked around the side.
Following the cat around the corner, Naruto froze at what he saw. The figure was slumped against the wall, his head bowed and his hands slack in his lap. The fingers of one of his hands were loosely wrapped around a pistol. The cat was licking at the gun yet the person sat motionless.
Naruto stared in shock.
"I didn't think you'd really come."
The raspy voice startled the blond out of his momentary stupor. Still, he didn't say anything; instead, he pressed one of the buttons on his phone to illuminate it once more. The light revealed messy hair the color of blood, and pale skin that almost seemed translucent. The person was dressed all in black. The voice had clearly been male.
Naruto's eyes ran over the man from his head to the tip of his dull, black shoes. Looking up, Naruto realized the man was staring at him. Even though he couldn't see the colour of his eyes, he could feel the gaze on him, studying him.
"It's so hard to breathe." The person said as he let his head fall back against the wall with a faint thump. The redhead didn't seem to notice the cat had stopped licking his gun and was now licking his hand.
"I don't think I'm strong enough to lift it anymore. I think I waited too long." The man continued, shifting the gun in his hand. Naruto's eyes immediately went to the weapon that supposedly contained a bullet.
The two stared at each other in silence, with only the laboured breathing of the man on the ground between them.
"Do you know? I can count on one hand how many people know I exist."
Something in the man's voice as he said that, made Naruto's heart clench, made his feet move to bring him closer to the figure on the ground. The cat had stopped licking the man's hand and was now curled up in his lap while observing Naruto's movements. Naruto's hands shook.
"I didn't do it... I couldn't go into that shop. I wanted to try that crepe so badly...." The voice trailed off. Naruto swallowed again as he knelt in front of the man.
"Do you know? It was my father that made me into this." The man continued after taking a deep breath, his voice scratchy as the air he inhaled rattled in his chest. Naruto's brows furrowed. Was the guy sick?
"It's so hot even though it's fall."
The guy was definitely sick.
"You shouldn't have come. How could you do that?"
Naruto felt his fear be gradually replaced by concern for the strange man before him.
"Will you ask me now?"
Naruto blinked before finally understanding what the stranger wanted. "What's....what's your name?" The blond asked softly, his voice a whisper.
The other man didn't answer right away as he took a deep breath.
"It's Gaara...." The redhead whispered before his eyes drifted closed. The gun clattered to the ground.