Letters from Scarfy

Mark's scarf decides to write the Boho's (and other interesting characters) a letter. MULTI CHAPTER CRACKFIC!

A/n: Homework, writing fanfiction. Continuing other fanfiction that I really should be getting a move on, following a burst of inspiration. Sleeping, writing letters from an inanimate object's point of view. Scarfy took over!

Disclaimer: Jonathan Larson owns Rent, and whoever had the idea of using the notorious Mark Scarf should get a statue in his/her honor.

Dear Mark,

I've been with you ever since that Nanetter Himmelfarb girl gave this homemade stud to you on your fifteenth birthday. How's she doing? What? You lost contact with her after high school? She gave you your most prized possession; look at me! Who's been the one who didn't give you any crap when Roger was going through withdrawal? Who's the one who was with you through that phase where you wanted to be a writer? (Please, Mark, no. I got a glimpse at the manuscripts and whewww did they suck!) Who's the one who was with you when you got dumped for a woman?!

Was I being mean? Eh, maybe; sorry. But still Marky- there are other fishies in the sea. Get out, get some. Roger and Mimi are kinda getting annoyed with you having fun with the camera in the loft every night. That's what he, erm, IT said!! I think it's best if I remain genderless, actually. Maybe then all the fangirls won't write Mark/Scarf fanfiction…

In other news, more buddy-'ol-pal news, I want to tell you… good job. That documentary that took a year to film is kickass, if I do say so myself. Don't fall into sucky sequel syndrome!

Your Scarf,

Scarfy

Dear Roger,

It took a year, a whole load of pain and confusion, but you did it! You found your song. It's funny how sometimes what you're looking for is right beside you all along. You may not know about this, but I once longed to see the world. Travel from place to place, ya know? Then I kinda ended up here in Alphabet City, seeing the same places and faces day to day. And then I realized; I have seen all the aspects of the world from Mark's neck. There's the loser dork that everyone loves, Mark, the emo rocker who needs a hug, you, the person who everyone should have for a friend, Angel (RIP GIRLLL!), the girl with a lot of layers, Mimi, the girl who you want to hate but can't help wanting to be her best friend forever and ever, Maureen, the sensible sarcastic one, Joanne, the 'most-likely to rule the world' guy, Collins, the person who you have no remorse hating, Benny, and the person who you can blame all your crap on, Alison. I could've gone out to San Fran or something (I hear they have really good Rice-a-roni- all Mark ate in his sophomore year of high school was rice-a-roni, remember?) to see all that, but I didn't have to.

Anyway, kudos to finding a lover. It's hard being an inanimate object and finding someone to stay with you on the cold nights when life seems like crap. There's Mark, but I tend to serve as clothing; anyway I do most of the warming, so that doesn't count. You know what dude, you know this isn't going to last until the end of time, but just keep every moment close to ya. No day but today after all…

Peace!

Mark's Scarf

Dear Mimi,

High five girl, you got Roger out of his mega-big slump! I swear, if you think that it's bad watching Roger having an emo 'everything I write is crap/this guitar won't tune/dammit time just freeze stop ticking away/life sucks then you die' day is bad, you're lucky you weren't there for everything prior to the lighting of your stick of wax. Take all that, multiply it by the size of the empire state building, shove this idea through a bed of nails, bake at the temperature of a cold heart and you have Roger Post-April. It was awful; I'd never seen him get so depressed before. It was like what made Roger Roger had taken a little vacation indefinitely. Mark definitely cried about it (I should know- I not only serve as a neck-warming mechanism but a perpetual tissue, too), and you know that Mark doesn't cry unless it's major. Ok fine, there was the one time when he lost his ultra-rare pokemon card back in grade school, but that was a very long time ago. It killed him seeing his friend's life diminish as he stood helpless on the sidelines. Then you came in, and a choir of Angels (ANGEL!! RIP GIRL!!) suddenly surrounded the loft.

Speaking of Mark, I'm asking a little favor. I know you probably saved us all by entering Roger's life and such, but still- one teensy little favor for Mark letting you stay in the loft with Roger (and putting up with the frequent 'scrunchie on the door means do not enter' moments.) Do you have a cousin, or anybody female and hot? Seriously, Mark needs to get out more. If not a cousin, maybe a forgotten friend from grade school, or a friend of a friend, or even some random person you met at your Abuela Carlita's funeral that you can't remember the name anymore? If this fails we'll have to resort to, *scarf shudder* INTERNET DATING.

Forever indebted to you,

Mark's Scarf

Dear Alison,

Thanks for screwing everything up. The next time I have to see you and your botox-d pasty-as-hell face, I'm going to flip the middle fringe at you. Not all dogs go to heaven, and yours is in DOGGIE HELL. HAH! SHE'LL SEE YOU AGAIN SOON, ONE BITCH TO ANOTHER!

You suck!

Mark's Scarf

Dear Maureen,

When you and Mark were going out, I think you asked him why he always had me on. It's up to him whether he wants to tell you my whole backstory, from thread to Alphabet City. Anyway, Pookie (mind if I call you that?) the least you can do after dumping Mark for Joanne (well, you know, at least you're happy together) is finding Mark a partner. Please, please, please, please…

Congrats on your protest; I would've moo'd if I could, ya know, talk, but here is a complimentary one:

MOO!!

Sweetheart, don't sell yourself out. Do what you love, and you know, just screw the rest. That's what he, erm, IT said! I'm happy for you, I really am, but when you kinda cut Mark loose, I had to deal with the aftershock.

Moo Pookie!

Mark's Scarf

(A/n: The following will be touched upon (subject to change); Collins, Angel, April, Benny, Paul, Squeegee Man, Mrs. Cohen, and Joanne! Thanks for reading; would you light my literary candle by leaving a review? (; )