Revive

Everyone disappears eventually. And when someone does, all you can do is move on… or hang on.

RL/SS

Disclaimer: If they were mine I would not be here, for we would be doing... other stuff... in a variety of places... :( sadly, they belong to JKR.

"I'm Severus."

The train shudders and shakes and our hands meet. Bodies of sparkling water; rippling and glistening, reflecting the sun. Patches of green; all different shades. We pass by them, so fast, so hurried, like there's no time in the world. We've still a long way to go.

"Anything from the trolley dears?" It's the lady, who comes round pushing a trolley of the finest sweets, the most delicious chocolates, from the creamiest white to the richest dark, to ones sprinkled with hundreds and thousands that pop and fizz in your mouth.

You shake your head; your face going a deep shade of red.

And that's when I notice. But it's okay that your trousers are a little too short, that your socks peep out; my cardigan is too big and a few of the buttons have gone missing.

"No thanks," I say to the lady and she wheels it away.

… … ...

I see you from where I'm sitting; hunched over two textbooks while your hair limps about covering your face.

"Remus, I need help!" Sirius pops out of nowhere, blocking the view. He takes the seat in front of me, heaving like he'd run a mile, dropping several yellow parchments on the table. I put my quill down.

"What is it?"

"You know the history assignment yeah?" I don't like where this is going, but I nod anyway. "Well, I haven't finished it – but I've done the introduction and the first half of the er… first paragraph."

"So…"

"I have Quidditch practice in about five minutes! -I won't have any time- PLEASEEEE!!"

I sigh and comb my hair with my fingers.

"…Remus John Lupin, as a good caring friend, would you be so kind as to please- pretty please finish my 1674 Vampire Revolution essay? Knowing that I'd do the same for you in a similar situation?"

"It was 1664," I sigh as Sirius' rolls his eyes. "Which is why given a similar situation, I wouldn't let a single hair on your head meddle with any of my assignments."

"Three bars of chocolate and two free rounds of butter beer."

"Triple that."

"You-"

"You owe me."

Sirius makes the deal and leaves. And your seat is empty as if you were never there.

I pick up my quill again.

… … ...

The cool breeze enters as the door swings open making the chimes sing in their twinkling, high pitched voices. It's quiet when I walk in. There is the occasional rustling of pages when they are turned over. Down the aisle, I run my fingers slowly across the spines of books under the literature section. There is something comforting about being surrounded by shelves and shelves, overfilled with books in neat orderly lines. Boulevard… B. Where is it- Oh there it is. I reach for the tattered book, The Guardian by Jenkin Boulevard, first edition, 1832, and blow the dust of its hard maroon cover.

That's when I see you between the gap my book has left. It has been unfairly long since I'd laid eyes on you. You seem older than you really are. But it is still you.

The ebony hair, the pale calico skin, the cast down, deep set eyes and the prominent nose, nudged in between the pages of Jeffery Buttons' Delving into Darkness. You quickly look up and eyes like pools of ink that I haven't seen in so long make contact with mine. I gasp and slender long fingers, thin like albino spiders harshly snap the book closed. The heavy sound causes me to step backwards, crashing into the shelf behind me, cringing to the sound of the domino effect.

"I see you haven't grown out of your clumsiness," you say, relaxed on the wooden chair outside Fortescue's after Wendell kicked us out of the collapsed bookstore. This ice cream tastes good, you could use some. But I don't think it would suit. I laugh.

"So…It's been a while, what are you doing here?"

"I came to look for a book and you ruined my chances of going ahead and possibly purchasing one."

Embarrassed, I smile and have another spoon of strawberry ice cream. I've already apologized countless times on our way here, but you seem to enjoy rubbing one's faults in.

"In fact I teach now."

I get a brain freeze from swallowing a freezing mouthful. I would never have imagined… of all things – not that I would- could picture you in a room full of kids.

"Oh Severus! That's wonderful! I'm so glad to hear of it – potions?"

"Correct… how did you-"

"You were always good at potions, I remember. I, on the other hand…"

"We don't need to go any further."

I laugh. No we don't. People are leaving and tables are being cleaned out. The hanging light above us casts shadows on your face.

"You were always better at me in everything…" You actually nod, as if to agree with it. As if saying, "oh yeah you're right." I can't help but smirk. I do remember you.

"Except in Defense." And this time I nod. "I must go." But it's only been no more than five minutes!

"Right now?" I say before I can help it, surprising you as you raise your eyebrows. "I mean, of course you do…well- well it was nice seeing you. We should do this again, you know…"

"Lupin," you address, before the heels of your chair scrape the ground. It is curt. It is too quick.

"Oh... oh, okay! See you later Severus!" I call out.

Your cloak flows elegantly behind you when you leave. My spoon clanks on the wooden table in defeat. The door swings closed and the cool breeze enters, robbing the air of its short-lived warmth and my gaze lingers at where you've disappeared.

… … ...

The thousands of candles hovering above us make the hall glow golden and the dinnerware shimmers and reflect all that is around it. The sound of forks and knives on plates, of excited talk, of hearty laughter resound through these walls. But it seems so silent, as I sit next to you and we eat side by side.

I watch the reflection on my silver knife.

You close your hands on the goblet and lift it to your lips and you pour the red liquid down your throat; your Adams apple rising and falling.

"Is something the matter Remus?" Pomona asks. "You've been looking at your food for the past ten minutes."

The intrusion sends my heart leaping and I quickly drop the knife. Your glance at me, curiously or disgustedly, I can't really tell but it makes my face redden and I immediately excuse myself from the table.

"Where are you going dear?" Pomona calls out from behind me. Someone gets up, the chair moves back and I collide into its side before I can stop myself. I cry out in pain and everything stops. I can feel the agonizing sting on my lower half escalating, I can feel everyone's eyes on me; every staff member, every bloody student… especially you. I need to get out.

"Oh, Remus! I'm so sorry I didn't know you were there!" Minerva's face is stricken.

"It's-its okay! I've just- I'm not feeling well!" I gasp trying my best to escape from the side door, trying my best not to lose the dignity I have left.

I bury my face in my pillow when I reach my quarters. A part of me wants to hide, wants to die. Remus Lupin, you embarrassing fool. My cheeks are still hot with shame; my fingers white and trembling. What is wrong with me?

The next thing I know is that I'm sinking, sinking down so deep that I can't be pulled back up.

I sleep.

And dream.

Of onyx eyes and wandering fingers.

… … ...

We are at your office and you are holding a corked vial of Wolfsbane. You don't hand it to me; you lay it flat on your desk. I stare at it; its unappealing colour swirls in the glassed tube.

"Thanks… I really appreciate it... You doing this for me, you know," I say tucking the potion in my robe. You look up from your work pile with an inclining eyebrow.

"I've no choice in the matter. It's a necessary procedure."

"Yes I know… still…"

"I've papers to mark," you say sighing, unbuttoning the top of robe to expose a bit of neck. The creases on your face start to show false age.

"I'll leave you to it then."

With one last glance, and I don't quite know why, your head is in your hands.

… … ...

"I can't believe you would do such a thing!"

The portraits, the knights, the spiders in the alcoves; they watch us.

"I didn't do anything! You did it to yourself!" you snap disgustedly and turn towards the other direction, but I won't let this go. I have tried all my efforts to be civil with you, to like you. Maybe too much… Damn it. Damn it all to hell! I grab your arm and face you towards me; it shocks you and you wrench it away.

"Do you know- do you know how hard it is? For me? To find a job? To find a place to live in without having to be kicked out from not paying the rent on time? How could you? How could you Severus?" I cry in annoyance, in anger, in confusion.

I don't want to be that beggar in the streets. I don't want to beg you for some response that isn't void of emotion.

"Oh please! Everyone would have known about it sooner or later – you can't keep it a secret forever!"

I swallow hard. The lump in my throat; it won't go away no matter how much I try to make it go away; it just keeps climbing up. I'm going to be sick. My bottom lip trembles and I bite hard at it.

"Why do you hate me?"

I got you there. I did. I wonder what is going on in that head of yours as your incomprehensible expression, the lines around your eyes and the furrowed brow, stills and dares not to move a single muscle.

We stare. The portraits grow bored.

And I feel no feeling; just now… just you and me and the tapestries that confine us.

I don't understand you. You are a very complicated person, but I'll let it go this once.

My feet begin to move, on its accord and I return to the world carrying my dilapidated suitcase.

… … ...

We sit in anticipation around a circled table in Sirius' kitchen, waiting for Dumbledore to arrive and begin the meeting. I sit opposite you; you, who never looks at me nowadays. Molly places the teapot at the centre and the grey steam worms out of its spout.

Everyone is mingling, everyone is content and laughing. But to me it feels like a funeral. Like something has died.

… … ...

"He needs this!"

"The boy doesn't cooperate; he keeps his ears shut and opens his mouth too often. When he has learnt to reciprocate that I will not work with him!"

Our voices are raised and the shelves vibrate; the crash of shattering glass moments away.

"Look…" I place my palms on your desk and lean towards you, taking a deep breath before I continue in a steadier voice, "I apologize, if he saw anything that he wasn't meant to see, but it's not his fault Severus."

Your face stiffens.

"Get out."

"So that's it is it? … If it makes you feel any better, he was distraught to an extent that he couldn't believe anyone could ever do anything so… cruel…"

You quickly grab the collar of my shirt and pull me down towards you. So close. So very close. Your nostrils are flaring; your eyes flicker down for a split second.

"I don't know what you've heard from Saint Potter, Lupin-" You snap in a harsh whisper.

"Don't be so stubborn Severus for Christ's sake! It was fifteen years ago! You can't just end the lessons because Harry discovered a part of your past! It's ridiculous!" I hiss.

"Get out! I've made it clear wolf, in case you haven't caught on yet; getting you fired was a hint that I didn't want anything to do with you! Not then, not now, not ever!"

You push me off and I stumble backwards; the small of my back hitting the desk behind me. But it doesn't hurt.

It kills me; Pains me like no other. It is my chest constricting, as that something crushes inside me bursting out like the glass jars around us shattering into shards, emptying its preserved parts.

… … ...

It's a beautiful day outside; the sun is glowing gloriously in a cloudless blue sky; the bronze fields of wheat slowly sway to and fro; the breeze blows loose gravel and fallen leaves along the endless strip of road where it passes the bleak old house that was once my parent's; slumping in sadness, waiting for the rest of its skin to peel away.

"Hey there little fella, what's that you got for me?" The large owl drops a brown parcel on the coffee table, and taps its claws impatiently on the surface. "Okay… let me check my pockets for spare chang- hey!" It quickly scoops up the small block of chocolate I was saving for later and flees away, tearing half the curtain from the living room window.

I untie the roped knot and open the parcel. It is from you; a fresh vial of Wolfsbane for this month's full moon.

A piece of parchment falls out; I pick it up, turn it over and it says: To Remus Lupin.

Not Remus, not Lupin and not from anyone.

The only sign it's from you is your handwriting; small and spidery with angled round letters.

Why am I still hoping? What am I still waiting for?

I glance towards the window where your owl has vanished and get a glimpse of outside. It reminds me of lazing on the grass that prickle the back of my neck; James, Sirius, Peter and I, staring towards the plain blue sky oblivious of time.

You're the only one I have left. Are? Or Were?

And that's when I truly feel alone.

… … ...

I collide onto the tree; the heavy weight behind me keeps me in place as rough bark grazes my naked body. A hand clamps above my mouth muffling my cries of protest and the other is holding down both my wrists, so tight it's cutting circulation.

"Shhhh!"

The bitter wind skates my face and my cracked lips sting. The early morning is still so dark and navy I can only see row upon row of trees in front of me like black pitchforks.

I struggle to free myself, twisting my wrists but I'm still too weak, still recovering from bruises, fractures and cuts the night before.

"Don't. Move." It's your voice. I recognize it. I recognize the smell of your hands; like dried leaves, sawdust and… blood? Oh god it's you! Traitor! Murderer! I try to turn my head, try to get away from your grip, but you're too strong. Let go! Let go of me! I'm muffling into your palm, feeling moist then the smears of my own saliva.

"Snape!" Someone calls you from afar.

"What?" You shout back.

"Any other flea bags out there?"

"…None! I think we've got them all!"

I stop struggling. Did I hear correctly? Did you just... No, it's not possible. Unless-

I feel your hair brush my neck as you turn to me again. Your hand moves cautiously away and it rests on my bare shoulder.

"Do it," I say in a small, defeated voice. Will you just end this? Please.

Your hand falls back down leaving a ghost of a trail along my body. And it's your voice in my ear that makes me hate you; so deep and black a hate that it gives me wrenching, agonizing pain just to feel it. "Do what?" You whisper making the hairs on my neck prickle. It's that velvety voice that constantly lingers in my head even at your absence. It's that voice I've made things, the real one would never say, in my illusions. It's that voice I hate, and yet long for.

Then almost as it had left; warmth… I turn around in desperate hope.

Trees. Trees. And more trees, bathing in the morning grey fog.

I sink to the ground, wrapping my arms over my knees so tight, hiding myself from the world in shame.

I hate you so much… Why didn't you just take me? Why didn't you at least kill me? But I should be relieved. I'm still alive. And I wanted death. How dare I wish for death…? You're a coward Remus… You're… still alive. Why?

I don't move from where I am, in the forest unknown. I just shiver on the spot; a green beetle crawling on the hills of my filthy toes.

… … ...

"Tell me Albus!"

"Calm down dear child," the old man in the portrait, with his damnable twinkling blue eyes, replies. Damn him... damn him!

"Don't' tell me to calm down! I want to know why he would do it! How could he!? How could he do it to you? … and not to me?" I fall on the chair, clutching at my coarse hair in anguish. "I was right there! Defenseless! And weak! Alone! ...they decided to attack us right after we transformed back… when we were at our weakest…"

Albus nods, egging me to go on.

"They're recruiting the werewolves from the south Albus… all thanks to me. I couldn't persuade them enough. They said they didn't want to be part of anything…"

"Don't lose hope Remus."

I laugh hollowly.

"Hope," I mutter, holding back a snort. The other portraits are sleeping, leaning on their frames, listening with their eyes closed, most likely. I look to my side and there is the other chair. I remember who sat there many, many years ago as if it were yesterday. Who turned into my very own secret that he swore to keep in this same room. I walk towards a cupboard and open it curiously. It's the Pensieve; unknown matter swirling mysteriously in the basin, reflecting my face.

"…I had hoped that there was a good man behind that mask… I used to hope that he'd notice me… I hoped that, forgive me… that maybe one day he'd lo-ve me back."

I don't know why but my voice cracks. I crack. I turn to Albus, closing the cupboard. He smiles wearily, but warmly and I miss the days when in distress, he would pat my back in that father-like manner.

"There's always tomorrow," he says.

"There wouldn't be if he just killed me. End it over quick and fast. Nothing to worry, nothing to think about. He likes the torture," I say sourly; he rakes his fingers through his white silvery beard, deep in thought.

"He only does what is necessary…"

The man in the portrait vanishes.

… … ...

Dust motes dance in the beam of weak light causing the space between us to grow thick. This room; it reeks, it creaks, and tiny insects crawl out of fissures in the walls.

"Severus?" I say, to the huddled form that I know is you.

Your head snaps up and you stand in no time, sliding up against the wall you've been leaning on for support. You pull out your wand and point it towards me, loathing written all over your face. I offer my hands to show you that I'm defenseless.

"Go on. Do it," I dare, shrugging my shoulders.

You're furious at me. Your chest rises and falls but is strained, like it hurts for you to breathe. You don't have your cloak on and I can see below your rolled up sleeves, the inky mark stamped on your pale colorless skin. You look down at it and that's when I notice the wet trails on your hollow cheeks, glistening. It scares me. You're scaring me. Why are you… crying? I can't believe my own eyes. I feel myself drawn towards your anguish and I take a step forward.

"Are you… okay?" I ask. The room is quickly dimming as the sun begins to rest. You jab the wand towards me, threateningly.

"Don't. Come. Any. Closer. If you know what's good for you," you sneer; strands of ebony hair haphazardly stick to your face.

"And if I do?" Another step forward.

"Is that what you want?" Closer. "To die by my hands just like Albus? Oh, you'd love that wouldn't you?" you bark out, attempting a laugh. "I will, I swear I will Lupin –"

"Will what Severus?" You stumble backwards. You can't do it can you?

"Leave!" You shout. But I won't. I'll shout back.

"Will what Severus?!"

"Crucio!" It escapes your lips so quickly, so hurriedly and I see before I crash into you, a flash of shock in your bottomless eyes that I fall in. I'm falling into its darkness, into its vast stretch of oblivion. Then suddenly – Oh- Oh god! My head! Splitting! Ripping! Stop! Stop Severus! I'm blind, I can't see it's hurting too much I can barely move; I can only cringe as spasms course through my veins and my head throbs furiously. God It's so hot! Fire! It hurts! Make it stop! I can feel my sweat dripping down from the roots of my hair. I can taste it. But I'm blind I can't see. Stop Severus! Please! And as quickly as it came it vanishes. I'm on the ground embracing you so tightly; my arms around your waist, holding onto dear life as I shudder and jerk sporadically; the convulsing aftershocks of the curse pouring out. My face is pressed onto your belly and I cry a muffled cry into it, beginning to sob, not entirely from pain...

I hear the drop of your wand and you collapse before me taking my head into the nook between your neck and shoulder.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry Remus! Remus… please…"

My throat is dry, my lips are parched. My body is aching… It's okay.

"I don't know why I did it- I just… I don't know what came over me- I'm so sorry!" I feel the side of your face rub against my ear as you apologize profusely.

Your hand, the way your fingers are dug in my hair with the other arm wrapped firmly around me is comforting; it's the best feeling in the world. Like you're scared I might slip from your grip, like sand; so easily and so quickly. As if you'll never let go.

"It's-okay," I croak out, "you didn't kill me…"

"I could have-"

"I don't believe you."

I feel soft lips press against my temple.

… … ...

Sweat drips and mingles with different scents.

You're spooned up behind me; your breath skating lightly along my neck while your arm is snaked protectively around my waist.

"I tried so hard to distance myself from you," you murmur, lightly rubbing the skin just underneath my belly button with your thumb.

"You did a… fine job… but it had its flaws."

I grin. I have a feeling you grin too when you snug up closer and slip your leg in between mine underneath the blanket we've made from your cloak.

The sun peeks from the dusty window sill of the Shrieking Shack.

I could stay like this. We could stay like this. We could lie tangled in this messy heap of skin and sweat with nothing between us.

… … ...

I close my eyes and listen.

"This is it," I hear my voice say.

"Don't get your hopes up."

"Can you be serious for once?"

"…Just don't make this into a soap opera."

"Gods Severus! The battle's tomorrow… all I'm asking is for… oh, for fuck's sake... Why do you have to be so..."

"Lupin… Lupin… Lupin! Look at me. It's going to be alright."

"No it won't and you bloody well know it!"

"…come here."

"...I'm so scared Severus."

"Don't be."

"I'm scared for you."

"After everything I've been through, scathed but still breathing, must you still think so low of me? Seriously Lupin just stop talking now, you're embarrassing me."

"It's just- it's just if anything happens to you I don't think I could bear it."

"Then I'll make sure I come back to you in one piece…"

I open my eyes and the scene changes.

… … ...

"Mind if I join you?"

"No."

It seems like an hour that we've been sitting here in silence as if the other didn't exist.

"So…" I blurt out. You rip your eyes away from the window and stare at me with an inclining eyebrow. "Um… Are you excited?"

"I suppose."

"I see… same here…" I fidget with my fingers awkwardly before I gain the courage to talk again. "My name's Remus, by the way."

"I'm Severus."

The train shudders and shakes.

Our hands meet.

Bodies of sparkling water; rippling and glistening, reflecting the sun. Patches of green; all different shades. We pass by them, so fast, so hurried, like there's no time in the world.

"Anything from the tro-"

… … ...

"No! No! No!" My voice rips out where I crouch in the small apartment that materializes before me. I see my nails, uncut and long, stabbing the brown carpet.

"Remus! Remus! Calm down!" A voice yells.

If only I could reach the basin. The swirling patterns emanating from it projects a bright green-bluish light towards the ceiling. Need… to go back… back to Severus…

"Severus! Severus!" I call out, but something is stopping me; hands I don't want, voices that are not his.

I am thrown back into the sofa. "Incarcerous!" and roped around my own furniture in my own living room.

"How long do you think he's been in there?"

"Ron, hurry and get him a glass of water."

"Sev-sev-eruh…" my voice is raspy and I cough. Something cold touches my parched flaking lips and then there's water; sweet, delicious water going down my sore throat.

"How long have you been in there?"

"I… I don't know…" I manage to croak out.

"Ask him when the last time he took a shower was," Ron says failing to whisper.

"We need to take the Pensieve away…" Harry replies.

"What-No!" I cry out. "It's mine! He's mine! Don't take him away! Let me go! Let me go!"

"Remus I have to! It's for your own good!"

"Yeah sir… Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

"Untie me! Now!" I roar, struggling furiously in a futile attempt to escape this confinement; there is an anguish expression on Harry's face as he approaches me while Ron stands helpless like a bystander.

"I'm sorry..."

"I said... untie me this instant!" I hiss.

"No... listen to me. Promise me you won't ever- Remus! Remus, promise me you won't ever look into it again…" I try to shake Harry's hands that grip my face daring me to look at him. "I know it's hard… but you have to try. Please try."

"No! …No-o!" I am sobbing now; I can taste the saltiness on my lips, stinging where there are cracks. "Severus! Don't go! No, not again! Not again!"

"Severus is dead! You can't bring him back! These are memories Remus! Memories!"

My heart begins to twist; from anger, from sadness, from realization that Severus is really gone. I can't really describe it… It feels like I've been punched in the gut… Something swallowing me, eating me whole.

It's like the Shrieking Shack all over again, where he lay in a bloodied mess and I stood at the doorway too scared to get any closer. I began to shrink; pulled into this emptiness. This void. And there was absolutely nothing. It was that feeling between denying and realizing where I'd gone completely blank before I started to suffocate.

My eyes continue to sting, I choke on my own vomit and saliva crawling up my throat.

"I w-want Severus. I-I Oh god… I need him Harry. Don't you understand?" I spit out, coughing.

In a defeated sigh, Harry sits on the coffee table and buries his face in his hands.

"I can't explain… but in there… I can always find him…. and even if he goes away for some time… he always comes back. He always comes back."

"Not this time Remus."

"…It's the only thing keeping him alive."

"Remus-"

"And I'm happy Harry. I'm s-so happy when I s-see him." My nose drips, but I don't care. "Don't take that away from me. Don't ever…"

"Oh Remus, you can't…. hold on to things forever… for one day, they will eventually disappear…"

"No, no! They don't have to! They don't have to!"

"Ron."

They exchange nods and Ron moves to where the Pensieve is.

"No! Harry please! Don't! Ron, don't do it! No! Oh God no… Severus!" I scream. The sound is alien to my ears. Ron starts emptying the basin into several vials, his hands trembling. The bonds are too strong and coarse; so tight it scratches and bruises my shoulders and arms.

"Don't do this… don't do this! I beg of you!"

Ron gives him the silvery strands in the glass tubes. He shrinks the basin, locks it inside a square chest and shrinks that too before pocketing it.

"I'll give you back your memories," Harry tells me. I shake my head. This can't be happening… no… no… no… it's so blurry now… I'm drowning in my own tears, smudging everything I see. "But they are to remain in your head. That's where they stay Remus; they're meant to live with you, not you, living in them."

No... no, no, no, no.... Stop! Stop! Give it back to me! It's mine! He's mine... "They are meant to live with you… not you, living in them…live with you… not you, living in –"

"Arghhhh!" I cry; it reverberates through the ceiling, along the walls, as silvery strands like long fleshy earthworms squeeze into the tiny holes on my skin, crawling and pushing past my skull.

"I'm Severus."

"Three bars of chocolate and two free rounds of butter beer."

"I see you haven't grown out of your clumsiness."

"You've been looking at your food for the past ten minutes."

"I've no choice in the matter. It's a necessary procedure."

"Why do you hate me?"

"I don't know what you've heard from Saint Potter, Lupin-"

"To Remus Lupin."

"Do it…"

"Do what?"

"I hoped that, forgive me, that maybe one day he'd lo-ve me ba-ck."

"Is that what you want? …Oh, you'd love that–"

"I tried so hard to distance myself from you."

"Then I'll make sure I come back to you in one piece…"

"He'll be back… he always comes back…" I mutter, dazedly… My eyes grow heavy and the ropes vanish.

"Goodnight Remus. Tomorrow is a new day."

I sleep.

And dream.

… … ...

Darkness… It's pitch black. There are no walls, no ceiling, no floor even though it feels like I am standing on something. Just me, floating… swimming in this boundless expanse of space…

"Remus," A voice whispers behind me. I turn. There is a spotlight. And… It's- it's… it's you!

"Severus… Oh Severus! You… came back. Oh, I knew you would!"

Arms snake around me and I bury my face into your neck.

"What are you talking about? I've never left you Remus... and I never will," you mutter into my hair.

"But-but they tried to take you away from me!" I feel tears beginning to well up and I hold you tighter than ever because I don't want you to go away. I don't want anyone taking you away from me ever again. I won't let you disappear. You've already been slipping in and out of my life. I'm going to hold you here and we'll stay like this… I won't let you disappear… I can't...

"No one can, not even famous kitten-saving Potter. I'm always here, where ever you go... however,"

My forehead creases and I lift my head to get a better look at you. Your pale face is glowing; your raven hair flows smoothly above your shoulders; you look so real… you smell like the man I knew. It's you… It's you...

"However what?" I ask curiously, uneasily…

"I have to admit the incompetent bugger has made a good point... you can't live in the past forever Remus… I think it's time we said goodbye."

"...What?" I laugh incredulously; a rising lump in my throat; my heart beating erratically in its cage. "No… But you just said you'd never leave me…" I say in disbelief.

"But you need to leave me- no Remus… You have to. You must." No… no I can't… I won't… Oh god not again… Why is this happening?

"No… No… Why? Why?" I muffle into your chest, beating at it with my fist in frustration while you hold me. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"If you love me, Remus, then you will stop this... Live life for me. I never wanted you to be like this... I hate watching you moping around, neglecting your personal hygiene... Do it for me."

I push you away a bit to give you a good glare; you simply smile back and reach out to wipe my tears. There is nothing to smile about.

"Stop crying, you'll wake up soon with puffy eyelids… Not a good look..."

"Then- then… no, not yet! I don't want to wake up any time soon… no, let me stay here... if-if you love me, then you'll let me stay here… just for a while."

And when I thought I would never feel it again, your gentle lips press tenderly on my own; warm and real causing wet fresh trails of indescribable happiness down my face, along my jaw, past my cheeks and where our mouths meet; the taste of you mingling with its saltiness.

"…Of course." You murmur against my lips; our noses touching each other side by side with our foreheads rested.

That night, we lay underneath a spotlight that encircled us in the dark and we watched the dust particles dance together in its glorious beam that came from nowhere.

And that morning I woke up to an empty pillow next to me with a ghost of a crease.

I finally got up.