Chapter Twenty Three

The sea slaps up against the pier. Today... its a sort of muddy chocolatey brown and the sky is overcast and there's drizzle from time to time... and when it stops... and the sky clears a little... then it doesn't feel quite so chilly... though Rodney still pulls his collar tight and wonders who's idea it was to have a barbecue outdoors anyway... and figures it must have been Ronon's... he with the water proof, cold proof, weapon proof skin, who only seems to wear a coat as a fashion statement... so why isn't he out here? Instead of huddled up with the others in the dry of the nearest corridor... and why is Rodney's head is so full of weather reports?... and he thinks it's left over from his Commander days when these things might have been important...

And shouldn't this be the new Commander's job anyway?... and not the head of science?... just because said smart ass Commander had figured it was combustion and combustion was science... but shouldn't it be the new Commander's job anyway to come out in the rain and make sure that the charcoal hadn't gone out for the umpteenth time... because wasn't it the new Commander's job to ensure the safety... and oh, comfort... of all personnel on the Expedition. Of course, they had all argued that Rodney would eat the most anyway... but he'd seen the new Commander fairly tuck in of late... making up for lost time no doubt...

It's been a month now... and someone thought that was worth celebrating... a month since they had been pardoned and had returned Atlantis to the sea... and someone had said it was their birthday... which was surprising... as no one had ever managed to wheedle that out of that someone... Tagan had though... he could do some pretty nifty torture by tickling, that kid could...

Rodney cups a hand over the coals and blows, which stirs a flame, and then he stands back to apply more lighter fluid... it whooshes and nearly singes his hand... that's why he shouldn't do it... Jenny's warned him enough times but... it's all in a good cause...

He glances up as a bird calls high above... knowing it will be the aschatee who has returned with them... circling overhead... a good omen... soon the weak weather front will pass and the sky and the sea will be back to crystal blue...

A month ago... and he'd never thought he'd be doing this... so mundane... life goes in waves... though the dangers from outside remained the same... no, they'd doubled... the Wraith, and now these new aliens... who had been spotted twice since the Apollo incident... but hadn't come close...

He looks to the gliding bird again, now the drizzle has eased and he doesn't have to squint. His fingers go to the video still hanging at his neck... it's his aschatee... his albatross... his burden round his neck...

'It's an obsession, Rodney.... prove it's not... destroy the video...' And even now he can't... not ready... not ready...

'Next leave... next leave... we can visit the grave... then I guess I'll be ready...' he had said to Jenny.

And once, the alternative Sheppard had mentionned the need to say good bye... that he had needed closure... and it was no different for Rodney...

...they couldn't believe his injuries... when the Apollo had arrived and Lorne had assured them that everything was going to be ok and Rodney had de-cloaked and had allowed the Apollo to land... Sheppard was still in surgery... nearly died of the blood loss alone... and he'd no sooner come round after half a day and he was back in surgery again with a haemorrhage...

...clutching at Rodney's hand... 'I only wanted to say good-bye... that's all I ever wanted...'

His voice faint... and dying... His words like those of a ghost once heard in Atlantis' corridors...

'And you're not saying it now! You hear! You're not saying it now! You're not going to die! I didn't bring you back so that you die! That wasn't the deal!'

...and he'd fought... which surprised Rodney... he didn't think he would... this Sheppard... though he should have known... from the things that Ellis had said... but Rodney had thought that the hurt had gone too deep...

'You idiot,' Rodney had said when Sheppard had come round the second time, referring to way Sheppard had gotten Ellis on their side.

'You needed saving.'

'We didn't. Not like that.'

'You needed saving.'

'Ok! Ok! I admit it! We needed saving!'

...and then Earth had said that Sheppard II could have the position of Sheppard I. That the loss of the use of three fingers made little difference... in fact... would he like the job of Commander? And Sheppard wasn't sure about any of this... and it was the same old thing... perhaps Sheppard II couldn't replace Sheppard I just like that... perhaps the drinking might re-occur... though he had sworn abstinence this time and really meant it... he really did... and for his sake, they'd all kept it quiet from Command...

...perhaps he should return to his Earth... Why was the man so self-doubting? Rodney had thought that once Sheppard had gone through all the hero stuff, everything would be ok... a sort of baptism of fire...

...and Ronon was told to take him away and persuade him... again... because Ronon seemed to be good at that sort of thing... persuading... and was told not show his face again until he had... not that a threat like that from Rodney would ever scare Ronon... but Ronon had agreed all the same... and they had gone hunting together for two days... or rather Ronon had, and Sheppard had limped around behind him or had taken long naps on the side of some river, while Ronon had fished bare-handed and cooked them wholesome suppers with herbs and stuff that Jenny and Teyla had said were good for him... and he had returned and...

'Well? Are you staying?'

'Ye...ah. On one condition.' And Rodney found himself so relieved he didn't care particularly what the condition was.

'Find us some sea. Some ocean. I don't care where. Anywhere. As long as it's sea.'

And later... well, Rodney just had to pester Ronon.

'Come on... what's your secret? What did you say to him?'

'Not telling.' And he didn't. Wouldn't for four days. And then weakened. So Rodney thought...

'We had a whole bottle of Satequila and got blind drunk and that made things look different, better, somehow.'

'You didn't!' said Rodney, both appalled and shocked. Because Ronon had been told to watch Sheppard and not let him do things like that. And Sheppard was still on medication anyhow.

'No. I didn't,' replied Ronon with that what-do-you-take-me-for-kind-of-look. And then wouldn't say what had happened for a further two days.

'This is what I told Sheppard to do, McKay,' when Ronon had finally relented. 'And this is what I did once as a Runner. Otherwise, I would have gone crazy. After losing Melena. After losing our Sheppard. A Satedan custom among the elders, that had died out when we got... civilised. My grandfather spoke of it.' And Rodney had to resist the violent urge to roll his eyes and to scoff. 'You take a stone... and it cannot be any stone... it's one that you choose from many... because at the time of choosing... it means something to you... and you heat the stone over flames... till it is as hot as you can bear to touch... and you pick up the stone-'

'-What?! Why would anyone want to do that?! That would, you know... hurt? Wouldn't it?'

'That's the idea.'

'Oh.'

'It represents your pain, your problem that is an obstacle to you... one you cannot see around... a cliff... a rock-face... you take the stone and throw it into calm still water-'

'-So... it's best to do this right beside the water... so it doesn't get to hurt that much?'

'Yes. You throw the stone in an arc... and allow the water to take the burden... you say in your head, what you want to end... you chose some good words... the reflection of the arc in the water turns your problem around... '

'It's inverted.'

And Ronon shrugged, 'I suppose... What ever is bothering you, then the reverse happens... it doesn't bother you any more... Also, it gets caught in an eternal circle... top and bottom of the arc.. and a line gets put through it... the surface of the water... and it can't return past the line... and with the ripples on the surface... it disappears forever...'

'And this works?'

'It did, didn't it? You see Sheppard now?... And McKay?'

'Yeah?'

'You should try it.' And he goes to leave, patting Rodney on the arm.

'I should?'

'Yeah.'

And Rodney looks at the sea now. And it's as calm as it'll ever be. He has no stones. But he has a burden round his neck. He has images in his head that won't go away... and they need to go away now... His Sheppard wouldn't have wanted him to remember him that way... dying on the floor of a cell... he would have wanted to be remembered in moments like these... friends coming together... for a meal... to talk... and linked to all that are the deaths of the Daedalus crew... which he had no control over... but sometimes... sometimes when people don't see... he feels so screwed up inside, he's sick... and he hasn't even told Jenny... but Jenny helps him... by being there for him... and being busy helps... and he has been busy a lot lately.... but he just wishes the feeling would go... he just wishes it would go...

And he has fire. What... like a caveman? No... this is voodooism... superstition... but it'd helped Sheppard... He slowly removes the necklace from around his neck and drops it into the flames... it smokes with foul black plastic fumes instantly... he hesitates... clenching and unclenching his fists... grabs it... and ow! Ow! Ow! and throws it high into the sky... a dark speck against the clouds... that drops silently into the waves...

"Good bye, buddy... good-bye, John Sheppard... it was good to know you... and I want to remember you always... but well, the good times, you know?... and I know I've said good too many times... but... you know... it was good, wasn't it?... It was good, I think... It was always good..."

And he turns to go in the building... to see John standing there in the doorway... to one side... in the shadows... an uncertain look on his face... whether to leave... or to come out onto the pier...

"Sheppard."

"Rodney."

"You... um... been there long?" And Rodney feels embarrassed. And he's holding his hurting hand that's throbbing so much now it's nearly making his eyes water. Or, something else was...

"No... I came out... make sure you were ok... that you hadn't fallen in the sea... or burnt yourself... or something... you've been a while..." and he approaches Rodney, walking past him, to look out to sea... a distant look in his eyes.

And Rodney shakes his hand, cooling it through the air... "I had trouble... you know... getting the fire to start... and... yeah... did... um... burn my hand..." And this is awkward... how much did Sheppard see?... probably all of it...

"Yeah... easy to do..."

"I... um... got rid of it... well, no... not rid... exactly... more... a burial at sea..." he confesses, tapping the empty space at his chest. Might as well say.

"Yeah..." says Sheppard, softly as ever... "I saw... hurts, huh?"

"No," he lies, squeaking.

"You know... it's probably for the best..."

"I thought so... and... it helps, doesn't it? Ronon said it helped with you?"

"Yeah... though... I didn't do the heat thing..." and he smiles slightly.

"You didn't?"

"No... done too much damage to my hands lately... kinda didn't fancy that part..."

"Oh... well... I wished Ronon had said!" And then realised that it might have deliberate on Ronon's part... one of his practical jokes... "Ronon... huh?"

"Yeah... Ronon..."

"Coz it's all sort of symbolic and all that..."

Like throwing bottles into the sea... "Yeah... that..."

"But it helped?"

"Yeah. It... helped. But... it's like you once said... it takes time..."

"Wise old Rodney, huh?"

And Sheppard simply nods, his eyes following the aschatee gliding against the horizon.

"Time and... You guys have been good to me."

"Well, we aim to please."

"You can never replace... my guys though... however many stones..." bottles... "I get to throw... "

"But we come pretty damn close?"

"Yeah... pretty damn close." And he turns and smiles pensively now.

"And you..." says Rodney, "you know... you come pretty damn close too."

-oAo-

Rodney goes and collects the rest now that the fire is ready to cook.

And the sun comes out beautifully at that moment... and he complains about that being typical... and asks Jenny for cream for his hand because he has a burn on his palm.

"How did you manage to do that?!" she exclaims, carting him off to the Infirmary, leaving Ronon and John to set up the chairs outside and the playpen for the boys while Teyla watches holding Tagan and JJ tight. And Amelia starts unpacking food from ice boxes.

And John takes the boys from Teyla in turn and places them in the play area, wincing slightly with Tagan's weight, because there's pain in his side still if he's not careful... and their eyes meet... and John turns away quickly... as he always does... as she always does... when she catches herself... watching the way that his body moves... watching the sleeping strength that is there...

...he's lying in one of the beds in the Infirmary when she visits... asleep still... so peaceful... so like her John... like those times when they woke together in the early morning... and its good to see that it's true... that he has recovered sufficiently so that he is now free of all the tubes. Jenny hasn't dressed him in scrubs or gown... a slight raise in temperature made it preferable for John... and it's easier to check dressings... so a sheet drapes across his middle and Teyla finds herself... feeling... embarrassed?... feeling that she wants to... touch him?

...and she wants her fingers to trace the line of his brow... wants her fingers to follow a line down his nose and to gently stroke his lips... just how she used to with her John in those early mornings... to brush the back of her hand down his cheeks... round his chin, down his neck... to find the muscle that runs down into the collar bone... to run a hand over his shoulder, across his chest… to feel the strength of his arms... around her... to feel his lean body close to hers...

...she closes her eyes tight against this...

...but she misses this... she so misses this...

...and she sees the line of his hips beneath the sheets... so like her John... so like her John... but she cannot allow it... and hates herself... this is too soon... too soon... and she feels she is betraying her John... but it is the same John... in the Chair, she had been convinced that it was the same John... the same spirit... could it be?... all the realities... the same spirit, the same soul is shared?... that they were all somehow... one?... simply living different experiences in different realities... but when one dies... others live on?... there is never death as such... was... what she had felt in the Chair, proof of this?... and she shakes her head... for this is too complex... and perhaps mere mortals are never to know the answers... but it would mean, for her, that the two John Sheppards are, in essence, the same John...

...but this is still so wrong of her... to be looking at this John this way... for this John is still injured... and she looks up... and John has opened his eyes... his lashes fluttering as he tries hard to keep them open... but... he is smiling... smiling at her... 'Hey... Teyla...'

And she's flustered... wondering how much he saw... though he's still very sleepy... and she talks of his recovery... and she explains why she has not visited before... how she has been to Earth with Colonel Ellis through the Gate... how the Colonel wouldn't take her back until he had assurances that she would be treated fairly... how the Colonel had done this because of his promise to Sheppard... and together they have convinced Stargate Command... that the destruction of the Daedalus was nothing but a tragic accident... how Command understood the extraordinary circumstances of the incident... that this is Pegasus... Atlantis... and nothing is ever ordinary in Pegasus... and she talks of how kind they all were and of being taken to her John's grave... where she spent time being with her husband again... her farewell...

Though she doesn't say how she could not believe that her John lies beneath a white headstone when he is forever in her heart...

And this John is patient but struggles to keep awake... and is compelled to concede eventually... eyes closing... and his unbandaged left hand reaches for hers... does he know?... does he know what it is he is doing?... and she hesitates... is this right?... before gently touching his scars...

...her ending meets a new beginning... a circle...

...an end to grief...

-oAo-

And Rodney and Jenny are back, and everyone's settling down when Ronon, who's cooking, kicks over a bottle at his feet and sends it spinning to rest where Sheppard and Rodney are sitting side by side...

And Amelia says: "Truth or dare." And Rodney protests as it's halfway between the two men. But Jenny appoints herself as judge and says that the two of them have to go though with this.

And Sheppard hasn't a clue... and then he says: "Back on Earth... I was accused of five murders..." because he'd never told them, can't understand why... seemed little point... and he finds that he is holding back some things from these guys even now... though... he has told Teyla...

"You were innocent?" asks a horrified Rodney.

"Rodney!" exclaim all three ladies together.

"Well, I only asked... we have to know!"

"It's ok... I was innocent... yeah..."

"And that was handcuffs... fingerprints... mug shots... third degree... the whole show?" asks Jenny.

"Yeah..." If only it had been that simple at the time... if only... "turned out the IOA actually did it... to protect my identity..."

"A bit extreme, huh?" asks Rodney.

"Now its your turn, Rodney," pushes Amelia.

"Oh, come on... don't you think this is so kindergarten! So teenage girls, huh? Aren't we supposed to be adults... setting an example in front of the kids... And I'm like an open book! Above repute! I have no secrets!-oh..." and he remembers the Wraith.

"What?" asks Jenny alarmed, wondering what exactly her husband is about to confess to...

"Nothing."

"No. What?" asks Ronon, from the back, suddenly interested.

"Nothing."

"Come on... you've got to tell now... you can't leave us all in suspense..." and Jenny punches him hard on the arm, curiosity now getting the better of her.

"Ouch! That hurt!"

"It'll hurt more if you don't tell!"

"The problem... the problem with the Alternate Reality... I didn't solve it... Todd and Kenny did... they came to Atlantis the night before... broke in somehow... there... see... it was nothing." Well, no one was ever going to believe that...

"But you took credit for this work?" points out Teyla, who's standing by the playpen, bouncing a restless JJ on her hip.

"Well, yes... if you put it like that... yes..."

"How else can you put it, Rodney?" asks Jenny.

"Well, I didn't exactly say I did it..."

"You just omitted to say they had..." And John sips at a juice and looks at him over the top of the glass. And Rodney's not sure if he's serious- serious or just pretending-serious to give him a hard time. "Does this mean our security was compromised? They came here?"

"We're not supposed to be talking work, remember? And I've looked into it. It won't happen again."

"So... I have Todd to thank for being here?"

"I would have figured it out eventually... oh... but... oh... but does this mean you're glad you're here then?"

"Guess that does..." and he raises his glass to Rodney... and Amelia has bent down and spins the bottle again and this time it points firmly at Jenny.

"Oh... I thought we weren't going to play this again..." and it's Rodney who's concerned now, wondering what his wife is going to confess to...

"I just don't know what to say..."

"Oh come on... you must have some dark deep secret..." says Amelia.

"It's ok we can stop this now... you don't have to say anything..." insists Rodney.

"Well, I can think of something... I'm pregnant... will that do?"

And Rodney coughs and splutters into his beer and has to patted hard on the back to stop him from choking.

"When? How?" he forces out, red in the face.

"You don't know how?" asks Ronon smirking. And everyone is laughing as Rodney, under his breath, tells Jenny how wonderful she is. And she kisses him back.

And later... Amelia and Jenny are straightening up... talking girl talk Rodney surmises... and all the food has gone and the sun is turning into one giant red fireball in purple cloud and two moons are appearing pale in the turquoise twilight sky... and Rodney lays back in his comfy chair, full and repleted... and that really is a good feeling... and sleepily watches with one eye as John and Teyla fuss over the children... and sees John's hand pass over Teyla's back... and Teyla responds by looking up to him smiling... and it really does feel good with the world then... and the children are wrapped in blankets and John comes over with a sleepy Tagan... and Rodney and John finish off the last of their drinks... watching the sun set on the horizon...

"You're a natural," says Rodney yawning. "With... with the boys..."

"Yeah, well, I'm not sure I'll have time for all this once I start as Commander.... and... You'll be fine..." though that's not what Rodney meant... it was just too good a night to feel worried about anything... the prospect of being a father... and all the hope that everything will be ok with Jenny...

"We lost our first baby, you know..."

"Yeah... Teyla told me... I'm sorry..."

"At the time, it was..." but he really doesn't want to talk about it. "That didn't happen in your reality?"

"They didn't get the chance..."

"No..." and they're quiet. And all that can be heard is the gentle shussing of the sea. And once Ronon laughs loud at something Amelia says.

"Life is a line. Discuss," says Rodney.

"Sorry?"

"We... Sheppard and I used to come out on the pier... share beers... talk..."

"Same here."

"Once... life is a line."

"Surely it sort of goes in waves," drawls John quietly into Tagan's hair, so as not to wake the boy who's fallen asleep now. "You know... bad, then good... then bad again... then good..."

"That's what he used to say..."

"So... who won?"

"And that was typical of him too... to see it in those terms... but you know... there's never a definitive answer..."

"You mean, you never wanted to be right either?" asks John incredulously.

"What?... oh... no... well, maybe... though most of the time I actually agreed with him.... but I've been sitting here thinking... Remember your Newton's natural law of inertia?"

"That's a long time ago..."

"Every body continues in its state of rest, or of uniform motion in a right line, unless it is compelled to change that state by forces impressed upon it. You know... that... to me, pretty well sums up life... everything is going along just fine... and then wham!... we get knocked out of that groove... chaos... and I guess that's what happened to you too... literally... you were in one reality... and we came along... and knocked you into ours..."

"Doesn't sound very scientific, Rodney..."

"Life isn't very scientific... it never follows rules... life is too complicated..."

"Too complicated, huh? Life isn't a straight line then..." You shouldn't think too much about such things, considers John. Because being here... and he holds Tagan closer... being here now... with these guys is all that matters...

The white shape of the aschatee comes out of the dusk suddenly, visibly startling Rodney, sweeping silently, ghostlike, in an arc over their heads, to land at the further end of the pier, flapping its giant wings clumsily before finally settling down to preen feathers.

"Spooked, Rodney?" A faint smirk in his tone.

"No... Ok... a little." Souls of dead sailors. "It... um... came home again."

"Yeah."

"Diomedea exulans... the exile comes home..." Rodney muses out loud, "I know this sounds... corny... but... like you..."

"Yeah. Like me."

Life is a circle. Discuss.

-oAo-

Epilogue

And Radek shakes his head. "I have no idea or ideas, Mr. Lennox... I am sorry... I am so sorry... I would not wish for the Colonel to come to any harm but I have no solution to offer... You wished for me to look at something?"

"Yes. Over here, if you would."

And Lennox leads him to one corner of the cordoned off area. The imprint of something familiar in the wet sand... not quite cleared by the tide. Large and rectangular. The space and dimensions of a Jumper.

And Radek smiles to himself... of course, a Dr. Rodney McKay, somewhere, would do such a thing...

End