I lie

I lie here, naked, but covered, in a bed that is not my own. Nevertheless, I know it. However, not like this, at least before now.

I lie here unsure of what I am supposed to do.

It's dark, except for the moonlight that filters through the sheet that is supposed to be curtains.

It's quiet, except for the girl softly snoring next to me.

Yes. Girl.

I lie here next to a girl. I'm a girl. We lie together naked. Strange.

My mind keeps trying to hammer that into me.

I move on.

I watch her for a moment. Her dark hair falling over her face. I can't exactly see her without my glasses, but I know her form well enough. More so now.

Anyway, I want to move the stray strands, but I'm afraid to touch her.

She looks so peaceful, of course I assume. At least I hope.

I'm afraid to wake her.

She is my best friend, but after tonight…what is she?

After tonight, who am I?

I sigh and look to the ceiling, going over the evening in my head.

We were alone. She was working on a sculpture. It was interesting. She worked, I watched.

I close my eyes, reliving the moments that led up to now.

Boredom is a teenager's worst enemy. Being bored never did anybody any good.

However, I'm not sure if that can apply to us.

We weren't exactly bored, and unfortunately, we weren't drunk either.

There is no excuse for this, not that I'm unhappy.

I hope she isn't unhappy either.

I lay here, still and silent, staring at the ceiling again, although I can't really see it.

Reminds me, where are my glasses?

Dammit.

I'll look for them in a moment. Being here feels right. For now.

I wonder what the time is. I know it must be past midnight.

My parents might worry and wonder why I haven't returned, but they know where I am.

They trust her and me.

I wonder if this is a betrayal to them. I'm unsure again.

I sigh and look at her again. I'm over thinking things. I should let this play out however it will.

However, I'm not that kind of person. I need to know what this will do to us, to me. I need to be in control.

I lie here in a bed with my best friend, naked, and it's my fault.

I initiated it, and I probably shouldn't have.

"It felt right, at the moment," is my excuse.

I wanted her and…she wanted me.

I was caught off guard by that. I expected a fight, a look of disgust, a yell to get the hell out.

I was expecting the end of her and me.

No. Not even close.

She wanted me…and now I'm losing control again.

In retrospect, what was I thinking?

I was thinking that I wanted more.

I want everything…but I realized that I can't do it.

I lie. It's more of an "I don't want to do it".

I don't want to hurt her.

I don't want to get hurt.

I don't want to find out how badly I can mess this up.

I don't want to find out how badly I can get messed up by this.

I still want it though, but I know me better then anyone else can claim, even her.

I'll ruin this somehow, and I'll lose my first and best friend with it.

I get up gently so as not to wake her. It's best we save the discussion for later.

I think I'll let both of us live in our illusions a little while longer.

I grope around in the dark. I find my glasses on the bedside table. I find my clothes strewn around the floor. How I mange this in the dark amazes me, since my best friend's room is a mess. It wouldn't surprise me if I end up walking out of here wearing something of hers.

I'd better make sure what I have on is mine. It would be awkward having to return something of hers after tonight. Then again, this whole thing is awkward.

I dress silently, checking that it's all mine.

I stand next to her bed and watch her. She does look peaceful. I'm happy and melancholic in equal amounts.

She said she loved me tonight. I was startled. And that definitely is not in my control.

I didn't say it back. I don't know if I regret that or not.

Does she expect me to say it later?

Will I? Probably not.

I put my jacket on and search for my backpack.

I cross the room, as quietly as I can. Open the door the same and exit her house.

The night or morning is cool, but not cold. I start for my house.

I know that later today we'll meet up.

It will be awkward, but we'll talk and carry on for a moment as if nothing happened.

Then she will sigh after a long while of acting, on both our parts, and acknowledge last night.

It'll be weird and strange, and in the end we'll ask, "Where do we go from here?"

I know she'll speak the truth. She did last night. She loves me.

I love her too, but in the end…

I will lie.