BPOV

After all this time, you would think I couldn't get any redder…but here I was, standing in front of Edward as flushed and light headed as my body could possibly get. Or so I thought….

"Bella…you know I can hear that heart about to combust", he said as he cocked his head and examined my expression as if it would explain what he could not hear in my mind.

I have utterly NO idea if how the next few minutes will play out. His love for me is unconditional and unending, however, he has never been faced with what I am about to ask. I have utterly NO idea if he will not hear what I have to say and then change into the monster he has always thought himself to be… and then there can be only three outcomes. He will grant my request, he will leave me forever, or he will kill me.

My heart began to pound in my ears so loud that even I missed out on the first few words to leave my mouth, "THUMP…Thump… thump…love you so much, Edward. I…I know you said that there would never be anything I couldn't ask that you wouldn't grant me…but you have to know something about me that is so… so…"

"Bella?... anything, just ask anything and you know I will give it to you…" he trailed off before snapping his eyes back to mine, as they were now a deep, sinking black. "Are you asking me to leave!?"…came the harsh whisper.

"NO! No, Edward!" I was panting in my stuttering urgency to just sink into the forest floor, "Never!... there is just something that is completely ripping me apart… and even though I know I have to tell you…"

Deep breath, eyes closed

"I know that you will either hate me or kill me, Edward- but every second that passes is a half-lie", I confessed as I opened my eyes to face his beautiful confused face.

"I love you, Edward… and I also love Jake… and…"

"For Christ's sake- Bella, just tell me are you leaving me for that mongrel!?"

"no… Edward, I am not leaving you for Jake- but, I love you both and…I want to Love you both and not have to choose. My heart beats for him the same way it beats for you, and even after you turn me, Edward… I will love him with my dead heart just as much as I will continue to love you. I want eternity or the rest of my life… or whatever…with the two men I can't live without, whether I am a human or a Vampire."

I gulped in air as I realized that was the largest amount of words I had managed to string together all day. My ears began to buzz, and I heard the all-too familiar THUMP...THUMP...THUMP…of my heart before I could even claim the courage to meet his eyes. It was as if by admitting this… this…thing to him that I was no longer worthy of his….anything! Not his love, his respect, or even his eye contact. Had there ever been a more soulless creature than what I had become? I searched myself internally and knew that I had done all I could to eradicate both of them from my heart at one time or another. Edward, when months of depression and isolation had brought Jacob to the rescue- and Jacob when Edward returned and sought to win back my trust. But, the awful truth was that something in me was broken…and only the two of them could hold the pieces of me together. With just either one of them, I would always have a crack in me that would not be closed. As my eyes faltered at his lips, not able to rise another inch to meet his- I was thankful that he wasn't growling. This meant… the only other reasonable answer. My body slowly began to turn from his as I knew numbly that I must leave… his eyes would never glow into mine again since I had surely killed all the warmth in them. It was only when my back was to him that I blinked, releasing the hot, fat tears that had been perched on my lashes. The path back looked so eerily similar now to the one I had tried to follow last year when he left me in these same woods. As the tears dripped down my hot face, I ran… as fast as a klutz can run, at least. This time when the roots tripped me and the leaves and branches snagged at me- I didn't fall. I guess the one that does the leaving in these fucking woods always finds the easiest way out.

I ran until the thumping of my heart in my ears was covered only by the constant sound of my ragged breath heaving in and out of my wracking body. I don't know how many times I almost stumbled but was able to catch myself before hitting the fern covered floor of the forest. The wind was hitting me so hard in the face that each hot tear cooled and died before it even had the chance to fall an inch. Shaking and with the horizon bouncing crazily in front of my eyes, I could make out the shape of the Cullen's' house, with Alice standing like a beacon on the bottom step. When I saw Jasper run down the steps to her back, placing a hand on her shoulder- I just couldn't go a step farther. I halted mid-stride and felt my body shake with exhaustion as I flew through deciding what to do. I couldn't go back the way I came, but I also couldn't bear to walk any closer to the two lone figures on the steps because I knew the others were only feet away behind the glass wall. There would be questions, but Alice would know…and didn't I really also know now, as well? There was no need for me to force her to tell me; to tell all of us that the brother she loved so much was alone behind me…hating me…heartbroken by me…and that I would never see him look lovingly at me again. As we stared at each other across the expanse of the clearing at the edge of the woods, I couldn't read her expression but I hoped Jasper could feel my desperation, my love for them, my regret that I didn't have the courage to take another step- just like I had not had the courage to meet Edwards' eyes before; not even knowing if the last time he looked at me whether they would have been amber in hurt or black in hatred.

As I struggled to come to a decision and move my trembling legs, I heard it…Oh My God…I closed my eyes as I realized that everyone within the state of Washington could probably hear it, as well.

A Roar that seemed to shake the ground beneath my body.

Not at all anything I had ever heard before…a full-out Screaming Roar so Violent and Horrendous and Ear-splitting that I couldn't even hear the tortured sounds of my own heartbeat or ragged breath anymore. After an eternity of it, I opened my eyes and met those of Alice, who was now frozen not an inch from my face.

"Bella, you have to come with me now" she whispered.

"Where…what?..."

"…I will take you to Charlie's…but I can't see anything yet", she sighed and closed her eyes before continuing, "I can't see anything yet because…well, everything is pretty chaotic right now the way he is thinking…it's like…nothing right now. But, we have to go because I just don't know what is about to happen…I will stay with you until I do."

With that, I dropped my head- too ashamed to meet her gaze as she lifted me lightly and began to run. I closed my eyes against the blur of trees and in seconds, it seemed, she was lowering my feet to the porch. I entered numbly and passed Charlie on the way to the stairs, not even bothering to look up as he called my name in a worried shout. Then he turned to Alice.

"ALICE?! What the HELL is going on?? YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW!! Her face hasn't looked like that since…"

I closed my door against the outside world as he trailed off into a horrified whisper. For someone who wanted to live forever just minutes ago, I honestly wished for death right now more than anything.

Not caring what was going on downstairs, I pulled out my cell phone and hit #3 for speed-dial. There was only one person who needed to know the plan stretching itself out curiously in my brain.

"Hey, Bells- what's up?" he asked, sounding nervous that I called…probably because just last month I had told him I was choosing Edward over him. Turns out it had been the hardest month of my life; having to acknowledge that I had a flaw that caused me not be able to live without BOTH of them. The months without Edward had been…desolate… but, so had the month without Jacob.

"Jake…" I knew my voice sounded strained and scratchy. Maybe also breathless? The fact that I could not have known how much I needed him until now still baffled me, since it had only been a week or so that I had been struggling with the decision to finally speak up…and also admit it to myself.

I needed him… was this how he felt when he told me he would always love me no matter what? This, this..Need? To hear his voice, to look into his eyes, to feel his warmth again?

"…Jake, I…I just wanted to let you know that I'm gonna be gone for awhile…"

"What? What do you mean "you're leaving for awhile"?" he barked out, more confused now than before.

"I have to leave for awhile, and it's not because of what you think…I will still be human, but I just have to go- and I wanted to tell you before Charlie tells your dad, and then he tells you and the truth gets screwed out of fucking proportion." I whispered.

"Bella…are you ok? Did he hurt you, or has anyone come for you again?!?" I heard the growl reverberate through my ear in his voice.

"No… no one has come for me" yet, I thought to myself…"I hurt him Jacob, I hurt all of them and I just have to go away for awhile. I just…it's just….SHIT!...I love you, Jacob. I love you so much, you know?? …I just needed to tell you that"

I hung up before he could reply or ask me questions I wouldn't answer. Even knowing that I had gathered the courage to tell Edward, I still couldn't EVER tell Jake now... it would be like a flower crushed before it even had a chance to bloom.

APOV

As I answered all of Charlie's question as best I could, "No, Charlie- Edward didn't leave again…I think they just had an argument….neither one has told me what about… she will be fine, I promised her I would stay with her as long as she wanted." all I could think about was what I had just heard her say on the phone to him.

She had to know that I could hear even her quietest of whispers. Maybe she just…damn! She didn't have ANYONE in Arizona now…why would she decide to go there instead of to Florida where Renee was? Or even to wait it out here? Finishing up with Charlie as quickly as I could, I flew up the stairs, knowing when I opened the door she would be half way through packing her backpack. She looked up at me with eyes full of self-loathing and indecision and fear- of me?

"Alice…you know I have to go." She whispered.

I nodded and said, "I don't know if he will come for you…but I will find you as soon as I know anything." as I pulled the spare key to my BMW out of my back pocket with my wallet.

Holding it out to her, "Jasper followed us here in my car, Bella… take it." I indicated both the key and the wallet in my hand. It held about $900 in cash and 3 or 4 assorted credit cards, each with no limit.

She met my eyes again and for once since I had known her- didn't argue with me on the issue of money. She held out her hand and I could see it tremble, I just wished I could see their future right now. "Use everything in it if you need to- there is no limit on any of the cards, and there won't ever be. My pin numbers are all zero's if you are afraid of cashiers asking for your I.D. You won't forget all zero's, will you, Bella?" I asked softly.

"N…No." she coughed uncomfortably. "I…"

I interrupted her quickly "Bella, I love you more than any sister could love another and I promise I will find you as soon as I know anything. You have to look after yourself for the first time in a few years without any of us…even Jacob." She winced at his name as I continued, "be careful, Bella…we all need you, I need you."

We hugged tightly for what might have seemed like forever, but I knew to be only a few moments. Long enough for her to shiver against my cool skin. "I love you too, Alice" she whispered as she turned and climbed out the window onto the tree branch, shimmying down the trunk until she could drop her backpack and jump the few feet to the grass. I moved to look out the window and saw Jasper look up at me and then back to her.

He stepped away from the drivers' side door of the car and trailed his fingertips across her cheek. Once before we had left her here alone…and he had been wracked with guilt over the one weak moment he'd had that had drove Edward to make the choice for us all to leave our new family member. She caught his hand as he went to drop it and kissed the back of it, holding onto him for a few seconds before letting go.

They stared at each other for another second- maybe so she could let him feel her indecision, maybe because he wanted so badly to give her a moment of peace before she left the aftermath of what we'd heard echoing wildly through the forest earlier. As she pulled away from the curb silently, not drawing the attention of the man in the living room in front of the television, Jasper looked up to me again questioningly.

So, I answered under my breath, but loud enough for his powerful ears to hear…

"She asked Edward to share her."

His gasp was answer enough for me to know his thoughts on that.

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