During the Pein/Pain battle arc (but before the conclusion of that arc). Comparing Team 7 to Team Minato. Kakashi is a man of regret, guilt, and hope.

Inevitability
by vernajast

kakashi, introspective

~*~

When Kakashi started to read their files, his first thought was this: only one of his students had living parents, which was very convenient. (It was actually his second thought, as his first had been too painful to acknowledge looking down into the photograph at Naruto's true-blue eyes.)

When it was time to meet his team for the first time, he arrived early and watched them for three hours with the Sharingan exposed, peering in through the open classroom window from behind a hedge. One glance at the boys and his heart had clenched: it was like Obito and Minato-sensei were reborn, gifted back to him, a second chance. And then Naruto opened his mouth, and Sasuke shut him out with a single sentence, and Kakashi knew: it was like Obito and Minato-sensei reborn — sort of — and shoved into the wrong bodies.

The physical similarities were enough to throw him off regularly, particularly with Naruto, so he looked at the blond less, avoided those too-familiar eyes that begged for his attention. And while Sasuke was definitely an Uchiha, each time he spoke, he heard Itachi's amused drawl, not Obito's manic shouts, and it was that much easier to forget.

Sakura, at least, was nothing like Rin. Useless and sweet, chasing after her teammates, always trying to keep up, keep the peace, keep them all sane. Nothing like her.

He reassessed his early opinion somewhere halfway through that first month and decided applying the word 'convenient' to Team 7 couldn't be farther from the truth.

Still, eventually, he grew to love them — not that he ever said so. He never went easy on them. He didn't buy them treats or bring them gifts. He didn't pat them on the back or ruffle their hair or flash a bright smile that lit up their world and set the stars aglow and...no, nothing like that.

He didn't want them to love him in return. He knew that pain, and he hoped they could avoid it when they were inevitably ripped apart. And it was a terrible inevitability, wasn't it?

He saw the first glimpses of his failure when Naruto told him how Sasuke had jumped out in front of the child Haku's attack and 'died' for him. Kakashi pretended to brush it off for more pressing matters — his hand sliding through that murderous child's chest like so much warm grease — but that night he didn't sleep. He stared at the ceiling of Tazuna's guest room ranting silently in his mind about idiotic Uchiha who have no sense of self-preservation and always, always seem to find the worst timing to become caring, selfless teammates-friends-brothers.

When the chuunin exams were announced, Kakashi saw the perfect opportunity to bond the kids together through adversity. Naturally, it was a disaster.

Afterward, he took Sasuke away to teach him chidori in an effort to prove that this time things would be different. The last Uchiha was strong, and Kakashi could make him stronger, enough so that he could protect his team. So he wouldn't break their hearts. So he wouldn't leave them like Obito.

With his gaze firmly fixed on preventing the inevitable, it never once strayed to the blond kid whose hair and eyes and very personality begged him for acknowledgment —

You jerk! You're so full of yourself! I hate you, Hatake!

Stop taunting him, Kakashi.

Rin, Kakashi, Obito, come here. I know you don't mean that, boys...

— for several painful reasons.

The jutsu Obito helped him to perfect, wielded by an Uchiha, was beautiful, and awestruck Kakashi was so sure he had succeeded that he never saw the ground rushing up to meet them when the future finally arrived.

~*~

The future... Kakashi's head slumps forward, memories slipping away to be replaced by darkness. Even with your eye, I was blind, wasn't I? He wants to imagine — hope — that he was right all those years ago when he thought Sasuke would use chidori to protect his team. He wants to believe Sasuke will arrive in time, the gallant hero, to rejoin Team 7 against a common foe.

He wants that to be inevitable, too.

He wants to see it.

He has tried and failed to change the course of history in repetition. They'll mourn him when he's dead, he thinks and can't help but feel a morbid pride in that. They'll mourn the way he mourned Minato-sensei and Obito, Rin, everyone, and —

He couldn't love them, even from afar, without eventually garnering their love in return, and groaning, struggling to free himself, Kakashi decides that he simply can't die yet.

[ ... ]