A/N: Sadly, the last of my series where Rose is in charge- oh well… perhaps I'll do a sequel or something- any ideas, people?

Right, for now you'll just have to enjoy the chapters that I just had to write- oh come on, this just HAD to be the final journey…

Summary: Rose Tyler was in charge- she could go anywhere in time and space, and the Doctor had to take her there. But maybe she's crossed a line- perhaps doing this trip for her would cost the Doctor a lot more than a loss of authority…

PART SIX: SOLACE AND SOLITUDE

Torn

The Doctor

I didn't know what to say.

How could Rose ask me to take her there? Of all the places in time and space, she wanted to go the one place that would hurt to see again.

Gallifrey was gone, and revisiting it would only make that fact all the more concrete.

She's staring at me, biting her bottom lip, like she always does when she knows she done something she shouldn't have. I knew her expressions and little twitches better than my own- I could gauge her very thoughts from a tap, or a blink. I knew her inside-out.

How does she not know me just as well?

How could she ask me that, and expect me to just leap up, and take her there? Didn't she understand? But I could see it in her eyes as the silence lengthened that she did- she'd spoken before she'd thought, just like she always does.

She knew what was going on in my head, I could tell. She knew that it would hurt to go there again, and she wished she hadn't said anything- but she had, and she could see what was happening. My expression as it darkened, my flinch as memories rose unbidden.

Gallifrey, so gold and beautiful to me when I was such a young child; everything magical; huge, unreal. Surreal in it's splendour.

Gallifrey, its towering gates guarded, a halo of light bordering its edges, the second sun rose behind it.

Time Lord's blank, professional faces.

Gallifrey burning.

Everyone I knew. Dead. The Time War-

Lost.

I swallowed convulsively. I wouldn't go back there, not after everything. Not even for Rose would I see its destruction again.

But that was redundant; I couldn't go back anyway. The Time War was Time Locked. Nothing could travel during its era, I tried to tell myself- even if Rose convinced me, I couldn't travel through it without severe damage to reality, to everything. One fell trip could cause half the constellations to collapse.

"I can't." I said softly, my voice hoarse, as if I'd been silent for days rather than minutes. "Time Locked. It would destroy everything."

That's a lie…

I tried so hard to block the voice in my head, whispering malicious truths I didn't want to register.

You can't lie to her…

I can!

Not comfortably…

I sighed, defeated. There was no arguing with my conscience- it was the half that was always right. My other half was at 99%. But still…

I wasn't going to Gallifrey, whether there was a Time Lock, or not. I couldn't do it, not now. Not after six centuries of working so hard to move past it, to forget everything I never wanted to see again. Shoved away in one of the darkest corners and ignored.

Not forgotten though…

Shush.

But I couldn't keep lying. Not to my Rose.

She was looking at me again, so much guilt and shame and… trust. She believed everything I said to her- how could I take advantage of that? This wasn't another human who needed to be lied to, so I could save them; this was my lovely, trusting friend, Rose.

But I couldn't tell her the truth. Not when she would so badly want to go there. I kept so much from her that she must be so desperate for an insight. Guilt made me close my eyes and look away. I couldn't meet her gaze.

"…Doctor?" Rose's small voice broke through my reverie. I loved her voice. My eyes opened and met hers for a brief second before darting away- I still couldn't meet them, not when I would lie straight to her face.

I opened my mouth- ready to tell her the lies, justify why we couldn't- but no sound came out. I choked and swallowed. I just couldn't do it. I was usually so good at white lies- why was Rose any different?

You know why…

No I don't.

But I did- she was closer to me than anyone ever had been; how could I betray her in such a way? Take advantage of her kind nature to avoid something I was too scared to face again? Maybe I was just being stupid; I knew Gallifrey's fate- would it affect me to see it again in its former, unsuspecting state?

What a pointless question.

Of course it would. It would hurt like hell to see everyone again- who I knew was going to die mere days, months, years later. To look into their eyes and know what they didn't… and to not be able to save any of them. Because it was against every rule the Time Lords had created. Never interfere, never change history. But could I restrain myself? Just one slip up…

And the future would be rewritten. People never met and children never born; loves never lost, lives never lived. Planets and universes could be created or destroyed if I meddled. Oh, how many times had I wished I couldn't travel in time? Wished that this temptation wasn't open to me? How many times had I longed to go back- just once- to look back on everything, to relive the life I once had?

Countless times. Countless times I'd stopped myself, withdrawn until the longing subsided.

And now Rose was dangling a carrot in front of my eyes. A tantalizing, wonderful carrot… and unbearably forbidden. It would hurt.

She was asking me to do something I both wanted and shrank away from; it was going to hurt so much, for such a long time- but I wanted to see it again. The planet I loved so much. Missed so badly it hurt anyway.

It was so enticing…

I didn't even care about the pain. How masochistic.

Just a few commands, some switches, half an hour to reconnect the chronic boosters and cross-wire jump the Zed Engines into parallel…

But no.

Why was I even entertaining the idea? It was playing with fire- one touch, however fleeting, could (would) hurt so much- but this fire was so beautiful, so worth the pain, so difficult to resist-

"I'm sorry." Rose whispered again, and I heard the unshed tears in her voice. "I'm so sorry for asking you that, Doctor."

And the reality hit me again- like a bus- so powerful it almost knocked me of my feet. The knowledge of how much pain this was (Great, I was even talking like I was going now) going to cause me was louder than the rest of the encouraging voices- impossible to ignore. Six centuries trying to forget and I would throw it all away in a heartbeat, for a single glance.

But wasn't that true of everything? Things you slave for, fight for; get thrown away in a split second for something that is completely going to kill you. I snorted in silent agreement with myself. This was like love- exactly the same; the harder you worked for something, the more willingly you tossed it away. Masochistic, stupid and blind.

I was being so human.

I felt the panic build- was I so pathetic that I couldn't withstrain myself? This was going to destroy me. I didn't even want to see Gallifrey again; any of it or its people ever ever again. People I knew and missed would live again, only to die like I knew they would, and I wasn't allowed to even save the person I loved most. I would have to stand by and walk away, tortured by the knowledge that they weren't going to survive much longer, despite their blissful ignorance. My friends, my family…

This was too much to bear.

But I wanted it so badly.

I hissed through my teeth at the pain that made my shoulders shake; and it was only a taster of the ordeal I would endure. I just wasn't strong enough.

But then I looked again at Rose and my hearts thudded, painfully loud in my sensitive ears. I should have been angry with her, or at the least hurt that she didn't know me well enough; that she would ask me such a thing. But I was neither; she'd made me realise what I'd wanted for so many decades. But this wasn't about that.

This was about whether I could do it.

I met her eyes and smiled against the worry. This was going to kill me, slowly and agonisingly- did I care enough to stop? Was I even capable of stopping? To deny her what she wanted? I wished so badly she could have asked for something less difficult to give- I so desperately wanted her happy- but it was Rose all over, wasn't it? Ask for nothing, but when she did, it was always that which was going to hurt so much to give her.

But could she make me strong enough to deal with the consequences? I'd be reliving everything I'd walked away from, tried so valiantly to forget about- all of the pain I'd endured and lived through, I was going back to willingly throw myself back into.

Was Rose really worth seeing the planet I'd long ago lost, all the people I wouldn't be able to save?

The answer was yes.

She was everything I wanted and needed, and I would give her everything I had, just to see her smile. I stepped forward and cupped her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me, to see my small, sad smile.

For Rose, I could do anything.