Jessa L'Rynn's June Challenge 2 (2009): June's the month for weddings, so the character or characters of your choice should attend a wedding. Might as well do it right - have something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. Bonus points if the "something blue" is not the TARDIS and the "something borrowed" comes from another fandom.

Title: Just Like A Vegas Wedding

Author: TardisIsTheOnlyWaytoTravel

Story Summary: There's the Doctor and Rose. Then there's the priestess of Eris and the crew of Serenity. They come together for Jack Harkness' favourite wedding. Rated M for language, to be safe. Crack!fic.

Author notes:

In a discussion on the challenge which prompted this fic, catyuy suggested a number of ideas including the borrowing of Serenity's crew. Which is when the image of them witnessing the equivalent of a Vegas marriage between Rose and the Doctor popped into mind…

Well… clearly my imagination is on crack. That is all I can say.

JUST LIKE A VEGAS WEDDING

This, Jack thought to himself, was a nice wedding. A very nice wedding. He was so glad he was here. Touched. Yes, that was it, touched. The bride and groom were so clearly in love.

The fact that they were both as high as kites didn't really seem to matter much at this point.

Rose was wearing a beautiful silk oriental dress and stood hand in hand with the Doctor, a priestess of Eris before them.

The priestess had purple hair and a nose ring. She was also wearing red and black striped socks. They looked strange with her ceremonial robes, but the Cult of Eris didn't mind that sort of thing. If anything, it approved of it.

A tiny urgent voice at the back of his mind was going badbadbad in an irritatingly persistent manner, but Jack was just as high as his two friends and the rest of his brain was too busy having a part to listen to the alarmed voice.

"Are you sure they ought to be getting married in their condition?" ventured one of the party of complete strangers that the Doctor had talked into acting as witnesses.

"They look so happy," commented a cheerful-looking young woman, sending a slightly wistful glance at the young man who'd spoken. He politely tried to cover his alarm.

"Doesn't mean they won't regret it in the morning," the black women said dryly.

"We're getting paid for this," their captain said laconically. "If they want to pay us a thousand credits for watching them get married, I'm not going to stop them."

While Jack was silently approving this sentiment, the beautiful woman who had loaned Rose the silk dress observed slyly,

"Well, you would be the expert on marrying under the influence, wouldn't you, Captain Reynolds?"

While Captain Reynolds was objecting to this, the priestess decided that it was time to start.

"Shut up!" she yelled. Silence more or less descended.

She consulted her book.

"You are here to witness the marriage of two people, one Rose Tyler, and a dude calling himself the Doctor who won't give me any other name, but that's okay because this is a legally-binding marriage anyway and he's paying me in cash."

The priestess turned the page.

"Acting as witnesses, we have the crew of the Firefly class ship Serenity. Do you consent to witness this marriage?"

"Damn straight!" agreed a burly man.

"We do," affirmed Captain Reynolds.

"Acting as bonder, we have Captain Jack Harkness. Do you consent to act as bonder, to assure that all parties in this marriage understand their rights and responsibilities, and ensure that they are met?"

"I do," Jack agreed.

The priestess turned to Rose.

"Rose Tyler, you have stated your intention to wed this man. Do you have any previous marriages, undisclosed offspring, or communicable diseases that he should know about?"

Rose looked mildly taken aback. She thought hard.

"…no?"

"Rose Tyler," the priestess declared, "tell the assembled why you wish to wed this man."

Rose turned to the Doctor, her brow furrowed in concentration.

"You're an alien," she announced. "And you're really old."

She paused in thought. The priestess nodded encouragingly.

"But I think you're pretty fit," Rose continued, "even the ears. And… I love you're a daft alien, and all your weird habits, and I love you. Forever."

"Oh Rose," the Doctor said, voice full of emotion.

They snogged.

The black woman let out a snort, and most of the other witnesses seemed to be covering snickers.

"Hey, break it up!" the priestess tried to separate the two lovebirds although it was of no use. "There's still more to go!"

Jack cleared his throat.

"Rose, Doctor, you're not married yet. Marry now, snog later."

Reluctantly the couple parted.

The priestess found the correct place in her book.

"Mysterious dude known as the Doctor, you have stated your intention to wed this woman. Do you have any previous marriages, undisclosed offspring, or communicable diseases that he should know about?"

"I was married once," the Doctor confided. "I had kids once too. Dead. All dead. The whole planet's dead 'cept me." He appeared to be rapidly slipping into depression, but a thought occurred to him.

"And you know what? I never liked them."

The Doctor seemed to cheer up slightly in remembrance.

"Ok-aaaaay, Mr Psycho. Tell the assembled why you wish to wed this woman."

The Doctor turned to Rose.

"Rose," he said, his voice full of sincerity, "I love you. You're fantastic."

That appeared to be it. The priestess sighed, while Rose blinked away tears at his heartfelt pronouncement.

"Screw this. I pronounce you married, in law and in the eyes of the goddess Eris, blah blah, you're man and wife and all that. Kiss all you want."

Rose and the Doctor did so.

Jack paid off the priestess with the local currency that the Doctor had given him, and she went on her way.

"The wedding was interesting," said a voice at his elbow. It was a young girl with a disturbingly unblinking stare.

"Definitely my favourite," Jack agreed, "even beats the time one of my old partners at the Agency accidentally got hitched to this giant beetle that ate its spouse when it mated." Jack shook his head in memory. "Next day he changed his name and went into hiding. Never saw him again."

"That is one of the creepiest damn stories I have ever heard," said the black woman, giving Jack a strange look, clearly wondering whether to believe him or not.

"So what about our credits?" demanded the burly man.

"Jayne, let's try and remember our manners," rebuked the captain, strolling over. "Although it's a fair point, Captain Harkness."

"Right." Jack dug out the credits. "Good to do business with you and your crew. where should we return the dress tomorrow?"

"She can keep it," smiled the beautiful woman; a Companion, Jack realised vaguely, and felt impressed. "It's never been worn before. Consider it a wedding gift."

"Thanks." Jack grinned at her, giving her his best smile and receiving one just as alluring in return. "Rose'll be delighted. Said it's the nicest thing she's worn in her life."

As the witnesses regrouped and began to head back to their ship, the strange unblinking girl hung back. She stared at Jack.

"This is for the lonely guardian." She handed Jack a small parcel and followed the rest of Serenity's crew.

Jack looked down to see himself holding a wad of blue cloth. He unfolded it to find it contained a heavy fob watch engraved with strange markings and intricate overlapping circles. Stitched to the cloth in gold thread were the words YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Suddenly, despite being still being very much under the influence of the drug that he and his friends had accidentally ingested earlier, Jack felt a prickle of foreboding go up his neck.

Then he shook it away and stuffed the bundle in his pocket, turning to find that while he hadn't been paying attention, Rose and the Doctor had begun proving that they'd lot even more inhibitions than he'd realised.

"Guys, while I appreciate the view, believe me, they kind of frown on people doing that sort of thing here in public. Maybe you should wait until we get back to the TARDIS."

"Fuck the TARDIS," the Doctor rejoined, throwing aside his socks and leaping upon a just-as-naked Rose who received his advances with enthusiasm.

It made Jack want to find company of his own, but instead he sighed and sat down nearby.

"Any room for a third?" he asked hopefully.

"Bugger off."

Well, it was worth a try.

o0o o0o o0o

The next morning Jack was woken by a loud "what the bloody hell?!"

He rolled over to see Rose and the Doctor both naked and staring at each other and their public surroundings in equal horror.

Jack managed, with effort, to pull up a few, fuzzy memories of the night before. Just those were enough to make him have a hard time holding in the laughter.

"Congratulations," he told the couple, and rolled over and went back to sleep.

-

END