Scattered Pieces

I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

It had been one of the most difficult and darkest days of his life, yet also one of the greatest. That day had given him his precious daughter but it had also held his wife's life in the balance. To say it was a rollercoaster of emotions would be an understatement. He had his daughter, he was finally a father, something he had always dreamed of being and he wanted to celebrate that achievement but then he was reminded of his wife, the mother of his child who may never wake up and all he wanted to do was cry.

Lucas Scott had never been as scared about anything in his entire life as he was in that moment. Peyton was his everything, his whole world, the love of his life and she was unconscious and could possibly die leaving him alone and their daughter without a mother. He wasn't sure he'd be able to cope without her, their daughter needed her and as selfish as he sounded he needed her. He really wasn't sure how to go on without her and more importantly he didn't want to even try to go on without her. His life didn't make sense when she wasn't around and he didn't want to try to make sense of it without her. He had tried that while she was in LA and no matter how hard he had tried he always felt as though a vital piece of him was missing. He soon realised that he would never feel complete without Peyton Sawyer in his life.

Lucas spent most of his time at her bedside waiting and pleading for her to open those green eyes and let him know everything would be okay. He tried balancing his time with looking after their newborn daughter and being by his wife's side. He never wanted to leave her in case she woke up while he was gone but he knew that she would want him to be there for their daughter, to be the best father he could be so he did what she would want him to do. But it was no use, their daughter was restless, she constantly cried and he tried his best to console her but all the attempts he made were futile. Lucas was certain that the baby girl could tell that something was wrong. He was certain that their daughter needed her mother.

Their daughter didn't even have a name yet and that thought saddened Lucas more. They were supposed to decide that together but there was a good chance that they would never get to do that. There was a good chance that Peyton would never get to meet their beautiful, amazing, perfect daughter and just thinking about it made him want to break down and cry. Peyton was so attached to their baby, she wanted to be a mother so badly, she had risked her life for their daughter and even though she had put on a brave face throughout the pregnancy Lucas knew how scared she was and how much it upset her to even contemplate the thought that she would never know their daughter. It wasn't right, none of this was right but there was nothing he could do other than wait, and hope. Hope that for once the world would give Peyton Sawyer now Scott a break and just let her be happy.

It had been days and Peyton still hadn't woken up and as each day passed Lucas felt more and more helpless and more and more afraid that he and their daughter would lose her; that it would just be the two of them alone without her. As much as he didn't want to lose her for his own selfish reasons he also didn't want their daughter to know the pain of losing a parent, to grow up without a mother like Peyton had to do. He saw the damage it did, how sad and lonely her life had been and he never wanted his daughter to feel that kind of pain. However, as every minute passed by without any change his hope continued to waver and he was forced to face the possibility that he and their daughter would be alone.

When she finally did wake up and he saw those green eyes of hers he thought he was dreaming. Peyton was awake, she had made it through, he wasn't going to be alone anymore, she would get to be a mother, their daughter would never know the pain of losing a parent, and they could be a family. All of these thoughts filled his mind at once as the shock and happiness overwhelmed him and he held onto her, kissing her forehead with joy and whispering how much she had scared him.

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

Now the drama of the last week was finally over and Peyton and their daughter who they had decided to name Sawyer were all safely at home Lucas felt like he could finally breathe again, that he could finally relax and just be happy; at least that's how he should have felt. Instead he felt guilty, ashamed and the absolute worst father in the whole world. He didn't want to burden Peyton with his conflicting emotions, she had been through enough in the past nine months of life-threatening pregnancy and she deserved to relish in the feeling of being a mother and looking after their beautiful daughter but he couldn't talk to anyone else either, they just wouldn't understand. The only person who had ever fully understood him was Peyton and he knew that she was the only one who would understand him now.

He sat in the dark in Sawyer's nursery, it was the middle of the night and she was sound asleep, most fathers would spend this time sleeping too in preparation for when she would wake up crying for her nightly feed but he couldn't sleep. He couldn't get the thought that he had even contemplated asking Peyton to abort their daughter out of his mind. He hated himself for even suggesting it, now that Sawyer was here he couldn't imagine his life without her and it made him sick to his stomach that he had asked Peyton to ultimately kill their daughter. What kind of a father did that make him? Deep down he knew the circumstances were severe and he was thinking of Peyton's safety at the time but it still made him feel like the most selfish and undeserving father in the world.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear the door open, he didn't notice the light shining through and he didn't notice the figure crouching down in front of him, not until until she placed her hands on his thighs and whispered his name.

He locked eyes with her and tried to smile but he just couldn't, he was so consumed with his feelings of guilt and self hatred that he couldn't force himself to smile. This in turn caused Peyton to worry which he didn't want to happen but who was he kidding, she knew him better than anyone, sometimes he thought she knew him better than himself and it was something he absolutely loved about her.

"What's wrong?" she whispered and when he shook his head and replied "nothing" he could tell she wasn't buying it.

"Lucas you've been acting weird and distant ever since we got back from the hospital. What is it?" she asked softly, caressing his cheek in hopes of comforting him and freeing his mind from whatever was troubling him. He should have known that she would notice a change in his demeanour, there was no hiding anything from Peyton Scott.

"I just..." he trailed off and she looked at him expectantly, urging him with her eyes to continue so he did. "I'm the worst father in the world." he stated simply, averting his eyes away from his wife not wanting to see the look in her green orbs at his revelation.

He waited for her to respond but instead she stood up and pulled him by the hands over towards their daughter's crib. She stared down at their daughter who lay sound asleep and all that could be heard was the soft sounds of her steady breathing.

"She adores you Luke" Peyton whispered breaking the silence, "She absolutely loves you and you're great with her." she continued on and he tried to shake his head in protest but she turned her attention away from their daughter and focused solely on her husband. She placed her hands on either side of his face to stop him from protesting and continued to speak. "You are an amazing father. Keith taught you everything you need to know and there may be times when something happens and we won't know exactly what to do but we'll get through it together."

She hoped that would be enough to reassure him. The parenting thing was new to the both of them and there were times when she thought she was in over her head but then she thought about her husband and remembered that there was nothing to worry about. They were a team and if there was ever a problem or something they were unsure of she knew that they would be able to turn to one another in that time.

He pulled away from her and began to pace the nursery which only made Peyton worry more. She didn't know what to do for him. She didn't know if there was anything she could do. Before she could gather her thoughts enough to speak again he broke the silence.

"It's not......I don't deserve to be her father."

"What? Lucas I don't understand, of course you deserve to be her father. You are a great man, a wonderful husband and an amazing father to our little girl. How can you even suggest otherwise?"

"If I'm so great, if I'm so deserving of her, of you then why did I ask you to abort her?" he said in a raised voice and before Peyton could respond, their daughter's cries filled the room.

Peyton reluctantly turned away from Lucas and picked Sawyer up from the crib holding her close to her chest and gently rocking her back and forth until she fell into a peaceful slumber. Once she was sure their daughter was asleep she carefully placed her back in the crib, wrapped her up in a pink blanket and gestured for Lucas to follow her into the lounge.

"Do you care to explain what that little outburst was about?" Peyton said trying not to shout too loud in fear of disturbing Sawyer.

"Every time I look at her...God every time I see you with her I can't help but be reminded that I asked you to get rid of her and it makes me sick. God I hate myself for it and Sawyer deserves more than a father who wanted to get rid of her."

He was on the verge of tears and Peyton's own heart broke for him. He was carrying around such immense guilt for something that in her mind he shouldn't be feeling guilty about. She went to stroke his cheek but he backed away from her.

"Don't" he whispered "Don't try to make me feel better" he added turning away from her and facing the fireplace.

"Lucas you have no reason to feel guilty" she said ignoring his last comment. He was her husband and she would do anything to make him feel better regardless of whether he wanted it or not.

Silence.

"You didn't want to get rid of Sawyer...you were scared and worried about me and you thought it was the only option, even the doctor had recommended it. Do you know how many people in your position would react exactly the same way?"

"It doesn't matter" he replied with his back to her.

"Of course it matters" she said forcing him to turn around and look at her. "You were so excited about being a father; you even set the whole nursery up for us. You didn't want to get rid of her...you were scared that you would lose me and maybe even our baby too."

"I just can't help but think that if you had listened to me, if I had tried harder to make you get rid of our baby we might not have Sawyer here right now."

"Those are just 'what ifs' baby" she said stroking his arm "A lot of things in life could be different if we dwell on 'what ifs'. The important thing is that you realised you really didn't want to get rid of her, that you couldn't do it and that you were willing to take that risk for her."

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

He nodded his head, coming to terms with what Peyton was trying to tell him. He knew she was right, he hadn't wanted to get rid of their baby, never had he wanted to willingly get rid of their unborn child; he was just scared of losing them both and at the time it seemed like the only option. A part of him still felt guilty somehow and he didn't know if that guilt would ever go away. Every time their daughter reached a milestone, when she took her first steps, laughed for the first time, had her first birthday, learned to talk; was he always going to feel guilty? He hoped not, he hoped he would be a good enough father to her. He hoped to be everything she would ever need.

"A part of me still feels guilty, especially when I hold her and she looks at me. She's just...she's so amazing and I can't imagine life without her." Lucas confessed.

She pulled him into her arms and held him for a few moments before pulling away slightly to speak again.

"That little girl loves you. She's barely two weeks old and already I can tell that she's going to be a daddy's girl." Peyton said laughing slightly which in turn made Lucas let out a little chuckle. "There's no use in dwelling on the past, you came to the same decision as me because you realised that you couldn't just get rid of our child and that means something Luke. When our daughter looks at you I don't want you to feel guilty, I want you to feel proud...proud that you're her father, that we made it through and that we get to be the family we've always dreamed of being."

A few tears slipped from Peyton's eyes and inside she was cursing herself because she was supposed to be comforting him. Lucas never being one to let her cry wiped the tears from her cheeks and pulled her into his arms.

"I love you" he whispered into her ear "you always know just what to say" he added his arms holding onto her securely.

"I love you too" she whispered placing a kiss to his shoulder. He titled her head out of his chest and lowered his head until his lips met hers in a loving kiss.

When the kiss ended Lucas rested his forehead against hers and she sighed feeling absolutely content and happy in life, someplace she never thought she would get but that all changed the day she met Lucas Scott.

"I just want us all to be happy and enjoy our lives; god knows we've had enough misery to last a lifetime." Peyton said connecting their eyes once more.

Lucas nodded his head in agreement. "You're right, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, I'm just glad you let me in. I hate to think of you bottling everything up inside."

"I always let you in" he replied and she smiled before whispering "I know."

He led her to the couch and she rested her head on his shoulder while he held on to her tightly breathing in her scent.

"I never thanked you" he said breaking the comfortable silence.

"Thanked me for what?" she asked perplexed at what he was referring to.

"For having our daughter...for being so brave throughout everything...I just want you to know how proud I am of you."

He pulled her closer to him and she smiled before whispering "I know all of those things already but it's nice to hear you say them."

He kissed the side of her head and just relished in the quiet moments he got to spend with her. They remained comfortable with one another for a while until the sounds of their daughter's cries filled the silent house and interrupted their moment.

"She's due a feed" Peyton said looking at the clock.

"I'll do it" Lucas replied already heading to the nursery.

"Okay I'll go warm the bottle up"

Once in the nursery Lucas carefully lifted his daughter from her crib and held her close trying to comfort her until Peyton returned with the milk. He sat himself on the rocking chair and gazed down at Sawyer who opened her eyes and gazed back at him. She definitely had his eyes, it was something practically everyone had commented on and as much as he loved Peyton's eyes he was glad that their daughter had inherited something from him. She already looked so much like Peyton it was unreal; she had the blonde hair, the same facial features and Lucas was sure that her hair would be curly once it grew out. The eyes though, the eyes were all his and it made him smile.

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

"Shhh Daddy's here" he whispered stoking her cheek. "And Daddy loves you more than anything in the world." he added placing a gentle kiss to the baby's head.

Peyton came in at that moment a smile on her lips as she passed Lucas their daughter's bottle. He placed it in Sawyer's mouth who started sucking immediately which had her settling comfortably in his arms. Lucas smiled up at Peyton who had perched herself on the arm of the chair and he realised that everything was going to be fine. As long as he had Peyton and his baby girl everything would be fine; perfect even.

"So how's that head of yours Mr Scott?" Peyton asked weaving her fingers through his hair.

"Better" he replied smiling at her and then gazing back at his daughter.

"Glad to hear it"

"I'm gonna be the best father I can be" he added his attention solely on his little girl.

"Then Sawyer's gonna be the luckiest little girl in the world" Peyton added placing a kiss to her husband and daughter; the loves of her life.

They were a family and everything was going to be better than fine, everything was going to be great because Lucas and Peyton had finally gotten what they had always wanted a real family and what made it even better was that they had found it with each other.

The End

AN: Thanks for reading, reviews are appreciated :)

Song: Pieces by RED