Author's Notes: LOL, I must admit that I wrote this fic just for shits and giggles. I picked Gino/Suzaku to write for cg_flashfic (a fic exchange community on LJ), but since I really do terribly with writing prompts like these, they sort of. Always end up as crack. LOL. XD But oh, it was fun!

+ Penis, Hide and Seek +

+ A GinoSuza Oneshot +

It was stupid.

No, there was no way to deny it: it really was completely nonsensical, in every single way known to man, and if Suzaku was going to wager, probably quite a few unknown ones as well. There was no doubt that he wasn't supposed to even wonder about these things - not now and not ever.

But as the strain in his eyes from trying to glance down and catch a glimpse while taking a piss next to Gino was clear proof of, there was a big part of Suzaku that just said, 'fuck you, I'm the boss.'

That, or there was just some omnipotent force out there somewhere in the universe that completely and irrevocably loathed his guts. Also a very likely possibility.

When Suzaku almost dropped the dishes, he snapped back into reality and cut off his internal rant. He looked at Gino standing next to him with the haunted expression of someone reading porn in public on one's cell phone.

Gino, though, looked quite satisfied (and thankfully, oblivious to Suzaku's internal drama): he was just standing there, humming a quiet song underneath his breath.

Suzaku blinked and turned back to his dishes.

The guy was amazing, really - Suzaku had never once seen him in a bad mood, had never even caught a glimpse of him doing anything other than wear a smile so bright it looked like the fluorescent light in the entire mansion switching on. And yes, Suzaku apparently failed at the whole 'catching an eyeful while trying not to look like a leering idiot' thing.

And it was right now, of course, that Gino did notice Suzaku and gave him a smile. Suzaku looked down as if his eyes had burnt him.

Whether Gino was just really friendly or brain damaged was probably the sort of thing Suzaku should have spent his time thinking about rather than the supposed superior penis lengths of Britannian men. Really now.

When Gino said something about him being unusually quiet and asked just what he was contemplating, Suzaku nearly jumped out of his skin and whirled around to face Gino. Only that Suzaku faced his broad chest rather than his face, and he raised his eyes to dive into the sparkling ones of Gino. It wasn't the first time that Suzaku noted that when Gino smiled, his eyes laughed.

"N-Nothing," Suzaku said, hating himself for the quiver in his voice. He cleared his throat and stood a bit straighter. "Nothing. I was just thinking that you were..." he trailed off, then shook his head to himself. "Really, really tall."

Gino raised an eyebrow, his smile growing. Suzaku cursed inwardly; it was quite evident that Gino was not buying a word he had stuttered. His body relaxed in that dangerous way it always did when he caught Suzaku lying; it was as if the knowledge that he was hiding something amused rather than unsettled him.

Gino tilted his head, stemmed his hands against his hips and bent down.

Resisting against the urge to take a step back (why did Gino have to smell so nice? Why?), Suzaku kept his exterior relaxed. Inwardly, though, his heart rate picked up speed, and the dreaded evidence of embarrassment started to pulse beneath the skin of his cheeks.

If Suzaku had ever seen a more amiable smirk, he couldn't remember it. "Really tall?" Gino let his eyes trail down along Suzaku's body as if contemplating the Japanese boy's own height. Then Gino broke into a dazzling smile, flashing teeth so white they could have come out of a toothpaste commercial. "If you wanted to kiss me, you could have just asked, yanno."

Suzaku blinked. "I wasn't thinking about that!"

Oh great. Wonderful situation he was in now - just excellent, Suzaku. If only they were dishing out prizes for coming up with the most random comments ever...

He blamed his fellow soldiers from back when he had been in the army, he really did. They were an easy scapegoat, what with the hushed whispers in the shower rooms, the secrecy, and the never-ending nudge nudge wink wink of, "Do you know that Britannian men have penises the size of coke cans? Whoa!".

(It should be noted at this point that Suzaku, of course, had seen more than one Britannian man naked in his lifetime - having been a soldier in the Britannian army, which regrettably didn't have the budget to expand their bathrooms, that was a given. Why exactly he was so interested in proving the theory on the example of Gino is entirely up to the reader. It's probably safe to say the boy had a denial problem the size of the EU. Plus confederate states).

If you were to ask Suzaku's opinion on this at this point, he would merely tell you (likely with a traitorous blush and a sweeping glance around to catch any prospective eavesdroppers) that he was interested in it only for scientific reasons - only that you wouldn't really get much of any coherent answer from Suzaku right now, because he was in the middle of looking very much like a person forgetting a formula in the middle of a calculus exam. If I were to make an educated guess, I would say Gino standing so close to him had something to do with it.

"Well. You know." Suzaku shifted his weight, but refused to break eye contact (yupp, I think it's the proximity). "There are these... rumors."

Gino, for his part, was rapidly approaching the look of a person forgetting their own name in the middle of a calculus exam. "Rumors?"

And it was just like Gino, to be making lewd jokes all the time, and then not get them when it mattered, right? Gah. Wait, why was Suzaku doing this again?

"Gino. You know. About Britannian... uh." Heat shot into his cheeks. This had been a bad idea, this had been a very bad idea, he shouldn't ever, what was he doing, he couldn't even -

"SorryforaskingIgotomyroomnowbye."

Suzaku attempted to push his way past Gino, but was stopped in his tracks by one of Gino's arms slinging over his shoulder, holding him in place.

"Now Suzaku - what's the rush?" He was grinning. God, he was still grinning. "Just tell me what you want to know about." He winked. "I have nothing to hide. Just ask ahead."

Using his hand on Suzaku's shoulder as leverage, Gino pulled Suzaku closer to him. A lock of brunette hair had fallen into Suzaku's eyes, and Gino carefully pushed it away, his fingers lingering a bit longer on his forehead than was strictly necessary.

Suzaku flinched a little at the feeling of Gino's finger against his forehead, but didn't pull away. Although being emotionally guarded (okay, very emotionally guarded - what was the Wall of China compared to the death spires surrounding the dark castle of Suzaku Kururugi's head?), Suzaku had always been a physical person - which meant that he had gotten used to Gino hugging him with alarming speed.

What he would never get used to, though, was the kind of thoughts he made him think.

"It doesn't matter," Suzaku said, shaking his head to himself. Outwardly, he remained calm, face a mask of apathy he had schooled himself into wearing the past couple of months. "It was... it was just a stupid thing I was wondering about." Then, he narrowed his eyes. "Besides, you know very well what I mean, don't you, Gino?"

He wasn't going to blush. Suzaku wasn't going to blush. No, there was no way in all of heaven and earth he was going to blush.

He was blushing.

"Ahhhh." Gino smiled widely, baring his teeth, realization spilling onto his features. "Are you perhaps talking about my -"

"Gino!" Suzaku pressed out from in between clenched teeth. "Stop it. You're embarrassing me. Look, I don't - I don't care that much about hearing the answer, so if you don't want to tell me about - about, you know - then I'll live." With that, he tried to storm out of the room, but was stopped yet again by Gino, this time by his hand on his elbow. Suzaku whipped around, gritting his teeth together.

He looked into Gino's eyes, and the tension between them rose until it was so thick that Suzaku wouldn't have been surprised if he had bumped his nose against it if he moved. He sighed, then decided that things would only get worse if he didn't just say it already, because Gino was stubborn, and Gino was too smart, and Gino was there.

Suzaku inhaled deeply. Exhaled. Inhaled. Exhaled, and, "Penis. Penis. Okay? Penis. Okay?"

From the look on his face, Suzaku could tell that Gino had already known what Suzaku was going to say. He cocked his hip, then leaned down, making Suzkau's nose wrinkle at his scent, his invasive body heat, his -

"You mean," Gino breathed against Suzaku's ear, "Cock?"

"Wha -?"

Then the adrenaline kicked in - and Suzaku shoved him away, glaring.

Gino straightened himself, and continued to smile. "Cock," he announced, with a tone one might use to say 'ice cream'.

Suzaku bit his lower lip. "Right..." He winced, but bit out, "Cock. There you have it."

Gino was grinning so hard now he looked like he was trying to eat both of his eyebrows at once. "Admiral Winky. His Pointiness."

Suzaku's eyebrows shot up. "... Yes."

"Cervix Crusader!"

"...Yes."

"Sushi roll."

"...What?"

A flash of a grin. "Nevermind."

"What?"

"Britannian terminology."

"What?"

Gino stemmed his hands against his hips. "So, to make this perfectly clear - you are curious about the size of my dick because you have heard rumors about Britannian men being bigger than Japanese ones." He leaned forward suddenly, wagging his finger in his hair in a way that reminded Suzaku of Milly. "Correct?"

"..."

"Yes?" Wag. Wag. "Yeees?"

"Fine. Yes."

And that was what did it. Gino leaned back, opened his mouth - and unleashed a long, drawn-out string of laughter that almost wrecked his body.

Suzaku's jaw just about dropped at the sight. "It's - it's not funny, Gino!"

"Oh, I." Gasp. Laugh. "Do think." Gasp. "It is."

"Shut up, Gino."

"Want to know." Snort. "About the size of -"

"SHUT UP, GINO."

The Britannian regained control over his laughter, calming down until only a few stray chuckles escaped him. Once he had stopped completely, though, Suzaku wished he never had, because as annoying as it was to listen to Gino laugh at him, having to look into those brilliant eyes and being at the receiving end of that smile was hardly any less upsetting.

None of this, however, was even comparable to how it felt when Gino leaned down and stopped his face millimeters from Suzaku's, their noses barely brushing against each other, their mouths not quite touching --

And Suzaku stood there, waiting, feeling the other man's breath breaking over his lips; wet and heady gusts of wind that blew along his lips and made him freeze on the spot, just staring -- staring into those blue eyes, and Suzaku suddenly didn't know what he wished for more: that he had never asked, or that he could convince himself that he really wished he never had.

Suzaku sucked in air.

"I guess," Gino said, and his breath blew over Suzaku's face, smelling of mint chewing gum, "I guess, as the saying goes -- you show me yours, I show you mine?"

Suzaku's pupils dilated.

Later, (much later, Suzaku had to admit with an unnerved look at the clock by his beside table) when he lay in bed playing the earlier happenings over and over again in his mind, he could never quite decide just what had shocked him more:

That Gino had kissed him (lips, soft and pliant with an eager tongue shoving past his lips to stake their territory and the smell of machine oil, ramen and mint writhing into his brain) or that afterward, Gino had just stepped back casually, undid his pants and dropped them to his ankles with a brilliant smile on his face that would perhaps been more fitting on a child proudly showing off its drawing of momma and dada to his parents. Suzaku, for his part, had looked more like the parent looking at said picture and finding a drawing of two three-headed demon hounds.

But it didn't quite matter what had been more shocking in the end, really: after all, he had gotten his answer. And the shocked expression on his face hadn't stayed there for very long at all.

He was convinced he had been stupid; very, very stupid indeed. He wasn't supposed to be wondering about things like this.

But he still kind of liked the dull ache in his lower body.

Weird how stupid things like that went sometimes.

(And why was there a weird ache?

Your guess is as good as mine.)