Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga.

I've decided to edit and have another crack at this story ten years later...

Yeah, this is Leah Clearwater, willingly being flung off the freakin' deep end of the dating pool. Perverted blind dates, stalking werewolf ex-boyfriends and men with more back hair than mountain goats. Oh, and apparently going into heat is a thing now. Great.

Great.

I need a warning label. Date at own risk. Seriously.

Male Species: Beware!

Chapter One: Here Comes The Pizza Delivery Boy

...

Oh for the love of—okay, fine. So what if it's pretty much common knowledge that I haven't dated in a while? Keep your damn nose out of it. So what if it's one of the La Push guaranteed features? It rains, rains some more, Leah Clearwater doesn't date, and hey, surprise, more damn rain! Yeah, being able to morph into a giant dog shockingly doesn't have much appeal to the opposite sex. What's not to love? Sharp canines, a fluffy tail… and there's something about me spending all my time with six foot shirtless hotties that somehow bothers potential boyfriends.

Not that I have many of those frolicking freely about the place. And I'm sure me capably sprouting fur that not even a lethal dose of wax can fix has absolutely nothing to do with the shortage of men in my life.

Ha. Right. That's totally the reason I'm alone. Not enough wax.

Anyway. Last week I woke up, hit my head, cussed at my lamp for ten minutes, and then had an epiphany. I tried to explain it to Seth. You know, one of those moments of insanity, usually resulting in meaningful insight that may somehow turn my shitty life around? Well, I came to a decision: Sam Uley sucks, and it's time for me to move on.

Seth kind of blinked at me for a couple minutes then asked if I needed to go to the doctor because I may have hit my head a bit too hard. I knew that meant he wanted me to go see Dr. McSparkles. I told him to go make out with the vampire mind-rapist and made myself pancakes, cause there's no chance in hell that would ever happen. Just like from his air-brained comment, there was no chance in hell of him getting any of my pancakes.

It was a long week that followed.

The pack was over tonight, playing video games. I snuck straight upstairs to take a shower.

The hot water untangled my back muscles and the small room filled up with steam. It felt nice, I'd been on patrol all day and needed a miracle to get all the knotted leaves out of my hair, but the steady flow of scalding water kept me completely relaxed. Exhaling a content sigh, I snatched the towel dangling from a hook beside the sink, wrapping it around me. Stepping out of the shower proved difficult. Since my werewolf growth spurt I had to duck under the railing.

I opened the bathroom door and the steam pooled out. With the towel still draped around my body I walked downstairs, hearing the loud artificial roar of racing cars. Embry and Quil had their faces glued inches from the screen, fingers pressing wildly at the controllers, expressions locked in dead concentration. Seth was cheering them from an armchair that had been dragged across the room to a more convenient viewing location. It was Jacob I noticed most. His presence as Alpha always claimed my attention. He was sprawled lazily along the sofa, and his features stretched into a wide grin when I caught his eye, one of his large arms was propping up his head as he looked at me while the other dangled precariously by his hipbone. I'd always been a sucker for thick thighs and large shoulders, and Jacob's usual defiance of a shirt and a fully functional pair of pants had his on full display.

The thought made me instantly feel hot in the face, and a bit embarrassed. I suppose I'd have to be both blind and dumb not to have noticed the way all the pack members had developed. But I had really started to notice how grown up Jacob had become since stepping up as Alpha. Of course, this admiration came to a crashing halt when he opened his mouth.

"Wow. Is it someone's birthday, Leah?" he teased.

Seth pulled a face. Quil and Embry briefly broke away from their game-trance to look at me. "Aw hell," Quil cursed as his car screeched, swerved and crashed into a building. "Jeez, Lee. Would you put some damn clothes on, please? If I lose one more game I have to give Jacob twenty bucks."

"Dude," Embry muttered to him. "You can so tell you've imprinted."

"This is my goddamn house, and I can walk around completely starkers wearing nothing but a sombrero if I damn well wanted to," I snapped at them. "So shut up."

"Well, someones feeling extra dramatic," Embry laughed.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen here, idiots," I waved my hand, gesturing towards the front entrance. I watched as all their eyes follow to where I was pointing. "Hopefully you all know what that is. It's called a door, and it's the thing normal people use when they want to enter or exit somewhere, instead of windows or doggy flaps."

Jacob nodded in mock-understanding. "Giant doggy flap, got it. And?"

"In one hour, someone will knock on it. And you will not under any circumstances open it, am I clear?"

Seth looked confused. "Why?"

"Because I said so, that's why."

Embry perked up. "Oh awesome. Did you order pizza?"

I could feel my pride begin shrivel and die as each of them stared hopefully at the assumption. How depressing was it that they thought that the pizza boy would come knocking for me on a Friday night? Was it really so likely that I wouldn't have a date that four dirty-minded, hot-blooded guys wouldn't automatically jump to conclusions or something? Was I really that much of a bitter shrew that I didn't even deserve some kind of slight sexual innuendo?

"No," I seethed. "I have a date."

Any icy silence filled the room. I regretted my words almost immediately.

There was a moment of sheer dread as I awaited their response.

Jacob was first to break it, he let out a bark of laughter.

"Ha! Good one, Leah."

I felt hot in the face again. I glared at him. "You think that's funny, asshole? I do have a date!"

This is why I didn't want to involve the pack with my love life, or lack thereof. If I did, I would never hear the end of it. Jacob would give me hell, Quil would giggle like a little fairy princess, Embry would make snide comments and Seth would most likely fake some sort of terminal illnesses to get me to stay home and, in his eyes, far away from men that may think of me as an actual woman, girly bits and all.

My genius is, of course, confirmed.

"Sure, sure, you have a date… and I'm the Queen of England."

"Hehe, Leah has a boyfriend!"

"So you're going on a date dressed like that, eh?" Embry snickered.

"I think I feel an aneurism coming on…"

I growled at them. "Fuck guys, just don't open the door or you'll die painfully. Simple as that."

Now that the death-threat was in place, I stormed upstairs. I had fifty-five minutes to get ready, and I needed to find prospective clothes—preferably, nice ones. The kind lacking holes and woodland debris. I'd become so accustomed to tank tops and shorts, and it's been years since I've shown any signs of femininity. I might as well go with the big guns: a dress. The guys really were going to fall over themselves when they see me in one of those.

I played some old tunes obnoxiously loud as I flicked through the outfits shoved into every spare piece of space in my wardrobe, throwing the rejects onto the floor. All my garments pre-werewolf were tucked away in boxes at the very bottom of the closet, including some of my old lingerie, given that most of them held crappy memories of me and Sam. I would have burnt them if they weren't so damn expensive, so I settled for keeping them locked away. A reminder of a time where I could have put on any bra I wanted without a bunch of overgrown lapdogs sniggering at me.

A strapless black-and-emerald outfit was easily identifiable. It had been Sam's favourite, so it was only fitting that I wore it out this evening in a sort of subtle spite. I unzipped the side and slipped into it, holding my breath. It was a lot tighter, and a hell of a lot shorter, then I remembered. I guess I have to thank the stupid werewolf genes for that, too.

Nevertheless, it looked fantastic.

Every piece of fabric clung to my curves, leaving little to the imagination. It was taut around my chest, slithering down to the arch of my waist and back, finally ending a bit higher than mid-thigh, showing off my muscular legs. If my mother still lived with us, she'd kill me before I was ever caught even dreaming of wearing something like this in public. Then resurrect me so she could ship me off to a nunnery.

Like hell if I care what they, or anyone else, thinks. I deserve to feel sexy once in a blue moon, right?

Smug at the thought, I flicked a comb through my hair. Since joining Jake's pack, I'd started to grow it again. It was a protest to prove to my pack brothers that I was, indeed, of the female species and I was capable of acting as such, even if it only meant having breasts and longer hair than them. It now hung just below my shoulders, enough to twist on top of my head, with a few shorter strands dangling down elegantly onto my neck. Sure, the length of my werewolf fur was less than ideal, but so worth it.

To be honest, I was one to wear mud rather than make-up, but for the occasion I glossed my lips and applied some mascara. Strapping on some high-heels, I took my black coat from the hanger and threw it across my arm. More of a prop than anything, since it wasn't likely I'd feel any chill. I snatched my clutch purse from my bedside table; it was next to my lamp that was now held together by a shit load of duct tape after the, ahem, epiphany incident. The pre-wolf box gets thrown back to the depth from whence it came, and I spritzed myself with some perfume. I glanced at the mirror once last time and gave myself an impressed, albeit surprised, nod. I was presentable and ready in less time than I would have guessed.

Wobbling in the first few steps in heels down the stairs, I couldn't hear any video games.

The guys must have stopped playing already since they all have the attention span of a grapefruit.

I've got a good ten minutes before my date arrives, so I'm hopeful I can grab a quick snack before dinner so that my date doesn't think I'm a total glutton. I can hear voices drifting up from the lounge room. I hesitate at the bottom of the stairs, absorbing the scene before me. The pack all had their shirts off now—no shocker there—and were flaunting their well-developed muscles, each one of them carefully positioned to intimidate the smaller man sitting very uncomfortably on the couch, his eyes wide with a wilted bouquet of daisies in his lap.

Oh fuck.

That poor, unfortunate bastard.

"Oi," I drew attention to myself. "I thought I told you morons to not answer the door?"

As they snapped their attention to me, Embry's jaw dropped, Quil's expression was set to stunned and Seth looked as if he might throw-up. But Jacob didn't look at me; he was still glaring at the man seated, scrutinizing his every move, his very aurora dripping in authority that I'm sure even the most dense person could feel. Michael, my ill-fated date, was beyond relieved to see me that I could have been wearing a stuffed pink peacock on my head and he wouldn't have noticed.

Quil was first to recover.

"Err, Leah? Urgh, duh, of course your Leah…" he stuttered out, his cheeks flushed and he was staring at a spot on the ceiling as if it were the most interesting thing he'd seen all day. "Well, you see, you told us not to open the door. And we didn't. But you said nothing about not allowing the guy to let himself in. We had a vote, and this was totally within the rules…" While he was speaking, Seth had leapt from his share of the intimidation circle and took a protective stance in front of me, as if to cover any indecent exposure from his friends that were too busy ogling his older sister to have any shame.

"Leah," Seth said, horrified. "What's that?"

I smiled sweetly at him. "It's a dress, brother dearest."

"Where's the rest of it?"

"I have no idea what you mean." I stated indifferently, stepping out from behind him.

I smiled at Michael in attempt to make him a bit more comfortable. I think it kind of turned out as me flashing my teeth at him like a taunting predator. His lips twitched in response, Jacob's glare kept him pinned in place, his eyes kept flickering nervously back to the giant Quileute, I walked over to them. Shit, I really didn't want to have to do this in front of the whole freaking pack…

"I'm so sorry, Michael. Ignore them, their just dickheads. Are those for me?" I gestured to the flowers. Wordlessly, he nodded and shoved the daisies out in front of him with a stiff arm. I took them tentatively. "Uh, yeah. Wow. Thanks. I'll go put them in some water…" I felt bad for leaving him alone in that room as I dumped the bouquet on the kitchen counter.

Upon my return, the boys went quiet and started shuffling around. I glowered at them.

"Um, are you ready to go?" I asked Michael.

He jumped from the seat. "Yes," he said eagerly. I guess the dude has half a brain after all.

I pursed my lips into another attempt at a smile. "Meet you outside, okay? I'll be one second."

Michael nodded again and practically galloped out the door to his freedom. As soon as he was out of sight, I snapped around to glare at the guys, who were trying very hard not to draw any individual attention to themselves. Except for Jacob, who was still looking completely unapologetic. I folded my arms and chewed on the inside of my cheeks to keep from losing my temper and ruining my careful grooming by phasing into a wolf. Huffing, I shifted my footing, popping out my hip.

"You bitches better start apologising, these heels look like they'll match your asses when I kick them up there."

Seth immediately caved.

"We're sorry," he gushed. "We just wanted to make sure he wasn't… you know…"

"A jackass?" Embry offered.

"Yeah," Seth agreed eagerly.

"I can look out for myself," I scowled, flicking my hair. "Look, I got to go…"

"Good luck, Lee," Quil said sincerely. "Have a good time."

I was never one that comfortable with openly displayed affection, so I tapped his shoulder to show my appreciation and headed for the door. Jacob had taken the opportunity to lean against the frame, looking out into the yard for once last calculated glare at my date. I stepped in front of him, and his emotions when he looked at me were so mixed the only thing I could decipher was his soft smile. His gaze drifted shamelessly up and down, I felt like saying something smart-ass, but the words got stuck halfway up my throat. The way he looked at me made my skin feel warm and tingly.

"Leah…" he said my name with a heavy weight attached to unsaid words, but in the end Jacob shook his head slightly in disbelief, smirked and settled for lightly commenting. "Did you shave your legs?"

Seth had his puke-face on again.

Grinning, I winked. "You never know, I might get lucky."

Embry chuckled. "You've been in our heads too long,"

I rolled my eyes and strolled out into the front yard, trying hard not to fall flat on my face. Michael was waiting in his car, his eyes locked straight ahead to avoid the stare down he was undoubtedly still receiving. I slid into the passenger seat beside him. "Sorry about them," I wasn't actually sorry. It just seemed like the polite thing to say. Everyone I know gets a certain amount of apologises that I'll willingly grant to them in a lifetime. After that, it'd be easier to pry teeth from me.

"It's, uh, fine," he said, lips twitching again, still not looking at me.

Michael was a real nervous little thing. He hadn't seemed that way when we met. The pack must have done a good job scaring the shit out of him before I had come to the rescue. He was from the Makah rez up north. We'd stumbled across each other when I was there with my mother and Emily visiting her parents to organise wedding crap, much to my irritation. His family owned a bakery and he was giving us samples. He was about my height, but still a head shorter than Jacob or Embry. He had large freckles sprinkled across his face, ironically like pizza topping that the boys thought I had ordered for this evening, with brownish curls.

"You look nice, Leah," he complimented awkwardly. No eye contact.

"Ah, yeah. Thanks."

We drove to Port Angeles in silence once I'd given up at attempting small talk.

I guess Michael was sort of polite. He opened the door for me once we got to the tavern. It was one of the few places around here that served food and alcohol. After that car ride, I felt in desperate need of both. We sat down at a table nearest the bar and I started flipping through the menu. Michael wouldn't stop fidgeting. He began tearing his napkin into little pieces on his lap, brushing them onto the floor. The server was started to look extremely irritated at the mess he'd have to clean up. I tried to hide my 'this dude's an idiot' expression behind the cardboard sheets of the main meals.

The server came around a few second later, a notebook and pen in hand.

"Hello," he greeted cheerfully, though I could see him eyeballing Michael and his napkin art. "Can I get you two anything?"

"Yes," I began desperately, peeking briefly back to the list. "Can I have the hamburger with—"

Michael, who had moved on to fiddling with his fork, dropped it loudly onto his plate. Startled, I glanced oddly at him as he broke into a sweat and I heard his heart thumping in his chest—credited to advanced werewolf senses. He swallowed and stared at me desperately.

"I—I'm sorry," he blurted. "I… I just can't do this."

And with that, he stood up and left.

He left.

We'd barely been out twenty fucking minutes, and the bastard left. I could only gawk in disbelief.

The server gave me a sympathetic look.

"First date?" he questioned.

"Yeah,"

"Ouch, that's tough. Martini?"

"Please."

On the plus side: the drink was on the house.

…

And this is exactly why men suck. I was not very enthusiastic about going home and facing Seth. I had to wander into the forest, ditch my shoes, take off my dress and carry it in my mouth while running home. I had no way to explain the huge drool stains. Another thing would be answering his questions on why I'd only been gone an hour, and why I was so incredibly drunk I could barely walk straight. So being ditched hit my ego, got a problem with that?

If I was honest, I'd lost count after the eighth tequila shot.

Stumbling through the door, I shut it quietly behind me. Sneaking in unnoticed and passing out in my room with a bucket over my head was the best option my brain could conjure at the moment. The front rooms were unoccupied, but I could hear obnoxious laughter coming from the kitchen in which the pack was probably eating me and Seth out of house and home. For whatever reason, the squeaking stairs seemed louder than usual, and I was constantly pausing mid-step, expecting to be discovered like a small child creeping back to bed after a midnight snack.

I was almost safe, inches from my room, when I heard my name.

"Leah?" I froze. Jacob was exiting the bathroom. "What the hell are you doing?"

I hadn't noticed that through his eyes I was tiptoeing around like a freaking weirdo. "Aw fuck," I cursed. "What are you doing here?" Amused, Jacob gestured back towards the bathroom with a shrug. "What, you couldn't just take a piss outside like a normal guy?"

I was kind of annoyed he'd caught me in my awesome, stealthy act. I leant against my bedroom door and sloppily slid down it until my ass hit the floor. Jacob hovered over me in concern.

"Leah, what—"

"Um, hey Jake, I, err, think I smell a vampire. Yeah, that's it, I smell a vampire. Go fetch and make friends or something. That's what you do nowadays, right? Make friends with bloodsuckers? Do you have little bloodsucking tea parties too?"

Jacob shook his head. "Stop trying to avoid my questions," I hated that he could read my mind without being in my head. It was just borderline freaky. My drunkenness didn't help, and apparently my stealthy skills sucked right now, but I was outright confused when Jacob suddenly flared with anger. He knelt down in front of me and grabbed me by the shoulders. When my head lolled to the side he removed one hand and placed it on my cheek to straighten me out. "What happened? Did he put something in your drink? Did he try to hurt you?" he demanded.

I flinched, his voice echoed in my head. "Oh Jesus, shut up, Jake!" I squinted at him. "And tell the walls to stop moving."

He stared at me a moment and quickly leaned in to me. I was startled, but afraid that even if there wasn't a door behind me I wouldn't of moved away. His face was inched from mine, our eyes were locked and he took a long whiff. He pulled slightly back, his eyes softened, and he seemed satisfied that my date—what was the dudes name again?—didn't try to pull a fast one on me. He gripped both my shoulders again with his large, warm hands to stop himself from swaying. Or was I swaying? Urgh, I just don't know anymore. "Leah, your drunk," Ha, no shit, Alpha. "Wow, I'm impressed. It takes a lot for us to get hammered. How much did you have?"

I groaned. "Didn't we already have this conversation?" Or had that been a conversation I had in my head?

"I assume the date didn't go very well."

"You assume correct, Mighty Alpha."

"That bad, huh?"

"Lemme put it this way—I would rather date a Cullen."

Jacob grinned. I'm so glad he finds my pain funny. "Yikes, really?"

"No, not really."

"So what happened?"

"Jeez, I'd rather keep my last shred of dignity, if you don't mind."

"Oh… do you need anything?"

I thought about it. "Pizza," I declared with a nod. It probably sounded really random to him. He scooped me up into his arms and chuckled, I felt it vibrate as I was pressed against his chest. Usually I would kick and fight and argue, but it felt so nice, and maybe lying down would make things stop spinning.

Jacob carried me into my room and laid me down onto my bed. I saw him look to my feet to remove my shoes, saw nothing but my dirty bare feet, and a flash of expression that thought better than to say anything of it. I hugged a pillow to my chest, and he draped a light blanket over me. He turned to leave without another word.

"Oh, and Jake, do me a favour?" I called out to him. He froze at my doorway.

He was staring at me softly again. "Yeah?"

My eyes narrowed.

"Burn the fucking daisies."

Jacob laughed, I scowled and I wish I could of slammed the door in his stupid face.

As you can see, I am leaning towards Blackwater. Haha. Please review!

Hazel-Buttafly