Author's Note: Many thanks goes to Shania Twain and her song "Honey! I'm Home" for the use of some of her lyrics!

The Excuse Lurker

I'm sorry Teacher, I really did try

To get here early, or even on time.

I hear you saying, "What kept you away?"

But you see, so many things just go astray!

Yeah, sure, I may look ditsy,

But really, I'm, not a bit, see!

My thoughts may be jumbled,

But I can whip 'em out with a tumble!

The car wouldn't start; it's falling apart,

I was late for work yesterday, and the boss got smart.

My panty line shows.

Got a run in my hose.

My hair went flat.

(Man, I hate that!)

I broke a nail opening the mail.

I cursed out loud 'cause it hurt like hell.

Because of that, my mother washed my mouth

Which stressed me so much that I had to rest on the couch.

Oh, and just when you think things couldn't have gone worse,

I realized I forgot my purse.

The heel broke on my last pair of shoes.

My grandmother died – look, it was in the news! –

Last year.

Oh yeah, I also hit a deer!

This class in a pain; it's so mundane.

It sure don't stimulate my brain!

Plus, since I did everything you asked last week,

I'm taking this week off so I can sleep.

If you can't believe these excuses, just wait!

For the next ones will have you running for some sake*.

Last night I didn't have time to recharge my brain.

Which my brother promptly dropped down a drain.

I really did try to call you but I had to wait

For the repairman to fix our phone with tape.

And what about that beached whale?

Duh, I had to help push it back in the sea without fail.

Did you know my parents have a bomb shelter they make me clean?

Yesterday my brother locked me in 'cause he's mean.,

I got held-up at the scene of a homicide.

I'm H2O intolerant, and this morning it was raining outside.

My delivery of magenta hair coloring came in this morning

And I had to wait for it. Then of course I started pouring

It on my hair to test it out. You like?

Umm…I ran out of gas for my bike.

I fell in a puddle on the way here, and had to dry my clothes.

Then someone wanted my picture, so, yeah, I had to pose.

Hey, did you ever think that none of this is really my fault?

What if I was born this way? Then you can blame it on my dad Paul.

The doctor says I'm "genetically predisposed to tardiness."

I'm punctually challenged, and my feet have lost their hardiness.

The static in my clothes was horrendous today!

And I couldn't find my lunch money so now I can't pay.

There was an elephant hogging the water fountain.

The coins from the charity sale spilled and I had to find and count them.

The lights were against me. My watch stopped.

The doctor told me to take is slow since my knee popped.

What if I was at the right time in the wrong place?

And you know, haste makes waste.

When my mom asked me a question, it took me an hour to think of what to say.

I really thought today was a holiday!

I have problems with meetings at this time, it's the hour my father died.

My shoelace came undone, and I forgot how it was tied.

I passed a massage parlour on the may here.

Well now, I couldn't just pass that one by, could I, Dear?

What?! You don't believe a word I say? Geez!

I had enough of them to make a person sneeze.

And if you really think about it, I'm not late; I'm early for tomorrow.

Come on, what difference will it make 100 years from now, ya know?

Still no go?

Dangit, that's another attendance no-show.

Another tardy, even after all the work.

Can't you have a heart, and just for once let me shirk?

Ah, well, it just goes to show us lurks

How excuses will never work!

* This sake is referring to the Japanese alcoholic beverage.