Click.

"Today, Sue Storm has announced…"

DP:"Pfft. She's so totally got fake boobs. Look at them, they're too perfect… Damnit, she's hot… Why are the invisible ones always hot?"

Click.

"E.T Phone Home…"

DP:"Gay. No, I didn't mean it like that! I'm not homophobic, Joe… am I?"

Click.

"Spider-Man has done it again! This time saving the life of…"

DP:"I so totally got my costume first! Look at that crappy stitching! And the colour always gets darker every issue! How can people say I look like him…?"

RING. RING.

DP:"Yeeeellow?"

Client:"Hello? Is this Deadpool?"

DP:"No, this is Thor."

Client:"Thor?"

DP:"That's right, Thor. Y'know, turns green when he's angry."

Client:"Umm… That's The Hulk."

DP:"It is?"

Client:"Yeah."

DP: "Oh. How did Thor get his powers?"

Client: "Isn't he a God?"

DP: "Really? I just thought he was on steroids and had to talk like Macbeth."

Client: "Is this Deadpool or not?!"

DP: "Do I owe you money?"

Client: "No."

DP: "Do I owe you a body part?"

Client: "What!? No!"

DP: "Do you kill me later?"

Client: "I… no?"

DP: "Great! Yeah, this is Deadpool."

Client: "I hear you… you kill people?"

DP: "Sir, I am a baker!"

Client: "… No, really, do you kill people?"

DP: "Well, I sure do make a KILLER cupcake!"

[Deadpool shows a thumbs up.]

DP: "…"

Client: "… Are you still there?

DP: "Yeah. So what did you need, anyway?

Client: "I have a job for you."

DP: "I got a job, thanks. I'm a mercenary."

Client: "… That's what I mean. I want you to get rid of someone."

DP: "Who?"

Client: "…"

DP: "Oh, HIM!"

Client: "I haven't told you yet…"

DP: "Weren't those periods so the reader wouldn't know who it was?"

Client: "What periods? Reader?"

DP: "Nevermind. So who?"

Client: "Mister Fantastic."

DP: "Ooh, wowzers. How much?"

Client: "£500,000."

DP: "You're cold."

Client: "£750,000?"

DP: "Ooh, so close. Bob Barker would so be owning you by now."

Client: "Not a Million…"

DP: "DING DING DING, we have a winner."

Client: "But… A million dollars?!"

DP: "Unless you're in Turkey."

Client: "It's only one kill!"

DP: "The rock-dude is usually quite an obstacle. Plus, he hits me harder 'cause I never understand a thing he's saying. I mean, who does? It's just deep gutteral sounds that with the help of a translator can maybe make out some singular letters."

Client: "Yeah, but…"

DP: "Then there's Sue Storm. If she got in the way – and she would – I have to wreck her pretty face, and I'm not prepared to make her a paper bag job yet… I'd probably get some minutes alone with her though…"

Client: "But whe-"

DP: "Oh, and don't even get me started on Johnny whats-his-name. He ALWAYS talks. He never stops! I mean, why can't he just shut up and let the other person speak for a little bit…?! Note the hypocritical reference."

Client: "… Fair enough. Deal."

DP: "Great!… How do you kill a guy made of rubber…?"

Client: "I don't know?"

DP: "Then I have nothing more to say to you! Good day, sir!"|

Client: "…"

DP: "…"

Client: "Aren't you gonna hang up?"

DP: "You called me."

Client: "So?"

DP: "You're paying for this."

Client: "So I should hang up then?"

DP: "Unless you wanna talk… So… how was school?"

Client: "…"

DP: "Bastard hung up on me!"

Client: "I haven't hung up…"

DP: "Oh…"

Click.

"Save the cheerleader, save the world."

DP: "X-Men copycats… They haven't even got a guy with lasers from his eyes…"

Client: "Who?"

DP: "I'm watching Heroes."

Client: "Oh."

DP: "That power would so totally rock. Lasers from your eyes… maybe adamantium swords from the arms, and teleporting… Except then my mouth would have to be sewn shut…"

Client: "Huh?"

DP: "Nevermind."

[Hangs up the phone.]