A/N: I know I'm not the only one who gets a huge kick out of Ziva butchering our cute little sayings.
Summary: A series of one-shots chronicling Ziva David, a.k.a crazy ninja mossad chick, and her continuing struggles with the english language. Ziva attempts idioms; confusion ensues. Team Antics; might even consider crack!fic. :]
The Idiom: The Early Bird Catches the Worm
Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo gave his partner a pale, terrified look as she took a corner on two wheels, barely managing to avoid two mailboxes and a very adorable puppy as she blatantly ignored a stop sign.
He gulped theatrically, digging his nails into the upholstery of his seat as his crazy ninja Mossad chick continued to blast every one of America's traffic laws to smithereens.
"Ziva!" he squeaked, praying for his life.
She turned to look at him, a quizzical look on her face.
"KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!" Tony roared in panic, flinching as she passed someone and barely made it back to their lane without a head-on collision.
Ziva's foot pressed on the gas again and the car shot forward, proving to Tony that it was indeed possible for Ziva's cute little red and black vehicle to break one hundred, though whether or not it could do it safely was debatable.
"Slow down," Tony whimpered, slumping down in his seat like a kicked puppy. He flinched as he noticed the outside world seemed to have faded to nothing but a blur and bemoaned his plight.
"Do not be such a child," Ziva replied impatiently, gassing it through another red light.
"It's too early for this!"
"Early? Tony, it is oh-five-hundred," Ziva replied, as if she were informing him it was noon.
Tony groaned and gave her a moody glare, his stomach turning flip-flops. It was bad enough when she wrangled permission to drive out of Gibbs on the job; it was an entirely different thing when she picked his lock, barged into his bedroom, and dragged him out of bed on a Saturday morning!
He was supposed to be enjoying the American Movie Classics James Bond marathon today, but instead he was clinging to a leather seat for dear life while Little Miss Assassin attempted to single-handedly murder him and everyone in the general vicinity.
"Ziva! OLD LADY!" Tony bellowed, pointing madly.
Ziva swerved without flinching, driving the car up on a median in order to avoid the sweet old woman walking along her sidewalk. Swerving back to the road, she managed to pretty much lift the car off of the road completely.
Tony squealed like a little girl and Ziva smirked.
"It is not like I am torturing you," she said, rolling her eyes.
Tony gave her a disbelieving stare.
"I would rather kiss the Director in front of Gibbs than drive with you ever again!"
Ziva gave him a skeptical look, and Tony looked sheepish.
"Um, okay, No I wouldn't—would you please watch the road, woman!"
Ziva smiled smugly before she snapped her eyes back to the road and made another illegal move.
"Zeee-vahhhh, why did you drag me out of bed this early? Americans like sleep! Where are we going that's so freakin' important anyway?" Tony whined.
She hadn't said a word when she'd jerked all of his cozy blankets off of him and dumped his clothes on his head, ordering him to be outside in five minutes ready to go. She was all business, not even bothering to make a comment about him sleeping naked or the stuffed giraffe he had with him, for which he was eternally grateful
And hoped she didn't remember later.
"Starbucks begins serving their new Apple-Cinnamon Cider mocha at oh-six-hundred. I want one!"
Tony glared at her, whining as she floored it through the next two intersections at breakneck speed and turned sharply into the Starbucks parking lot, coming to the most abrupt stop Tony had ever experienced in his life. He'd never been fonder of seatbelts than at that moment as his prevented him from being tossed through the front windshield.
"ZIVA! Ease to a stop! Newton's first law! Inertia!" Tony yelped, his life flashing dramatically before his eyes.
Tony unbuckled his seatbelt with shaking hands and grumbled broodingly to himself. Ziva appeared suddenly at the window, tapping on it lightly and causing him to jump a mile. He hadn't even seen her get out of the car!
Glaring suspiciously, Tony opened his door and got out, rubbing the back of his neck as he felt whiplash settling in.
"Starbucks isn't open yet!" he yelled, slamming the door.
The parking lot was empty, except for a lone car behind the drive-thru. Ziva pointed to it matter-of-factly and grabbed his arm, marching purposefully towards the entrance and planting herself in front of it with Tony next to her.
"They will open in exactly seven and a half minutes," she said with the air of a woman who seriously knew her Starbucks hours.
"I don't get why you dragged me out here on a Saturday morning at this godforsaken hour to get a frilly, prissy, cheer-leader Apple-Cinnamon Cider mocha that you could have gotten any time after oh-six-hundred," Tony snapped, looking down at her.
"The early bird kills the worm, my little Hairy Butt," Ziva chastised, a completely serious look on her face.
Tony broke into a grin, the horrific car experience and ungodly hour made completely acceptable by her utter seriousness in that faux-pas. Figures she would mess up that saying to somehow include the word 'kill'.
Smugly, he corrected her.
"Early bird catches the worm, Ziva."
"That is what I meant. I do not want anyone's birds getting an Apple-Cinnamon Cider Mocha before me."
Tony smirked, deciding he could explain to her that there was no danger of any birds actually getting her precious mocha over a Starbucks muffin.
xoxo
Alexa