Originally a crackfic, but got long and sorta uncracky. Now it's just weird. L/Light one-sided.

OMGWTF

"Any new info on the Kira case, L?" Light asked.

"Yes, captain, I will enter them in the Captain's Log." L responded.

"What?" Light was left confused, as L began to talk into a microphone.

"Ek'rasahkos thuhk vesh' afer-tor ne' Simon's kitau-skaf fi' kwiglan."

"Sorry, I have no idea what your saying. It's like another language! What, French? Really, L-"

"That's Mr. Spock to you!"

"…right. Mr. Spock, please tell me what language that was and translate into English."

"That language was Vulcan, captain. You should know. It translates out to…'Evil cheese was found under Simon's desk on television.'"

"And that's important to us, how?"

"Because, I'm gonna go into your dreams and kill you!!! Come to Freddy!!!!"

"Oh, your Freddy now?"

"…"

"Well?"

L/Spock/Freddy/Jason holds up the machete, just as he was about to swing it, Matsuda came to save the day!

"L, what's gotten into you?" Light asked. Matsuda was holding L down.

"Ahh, a dinosaur!" L yelled, pointing at Matsuda, "I never should have come to Jurassic Park!"

Matsuda slowly backed away and left the room.

"What next, a Godzilla reference?"

"I LOVE YOU JACK!!!" L screamed and hugged Light. Light blushed.

"NEVER LET GO!!! MAKE IT COUNT!!!! YOU JUMP, I JUMP!!!!"

L continued to pretend to shiver and talk about how stupid the Titanic was for sinking.

"Do do do dooo do do doooo," L began to hum the Indiana Jones theme song while pretending slash a whip.

Light just sorta gave up and watching. Maybe he would start stripping next.

"Fuck you, asshole." L said in a voice that resembled Arnold's.

L then came close to Light, so that their faces were almost touching.

"I believe that whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you…stranger…" Then, L put a pencil in Light's mouth.

"I made the pencil disappear!" Light stuttered a bit.

"And I thought my jokes where bad. I imagined a world without Kira, and it seemed so…boring."

L walked into the room where the rest of the Kira investigators where.

"I know why you have your little…group therapy sessions in broad daylight…the Kira." He said.

"Uh, yah that's kinda the point, L." Matsuda said. Then L ran back into the room Light was in.

"The Phantom of the Opera is there inside your mind!" L sang to Light, then sealed it off with a kiss. Light touched his lips.

L walked dramatically in the other direction. Then he turned to Light.

"Light…I…am your father."

Then he kinda flinched and yelled, "The cake is a lie!" before shutting down.

Then, a moment later, he awoke.

"Hey Light." As L noticed the position he was in, he came to a realization.

"I fell asleep again. Sometimes, since my body isn't used to it, when I sleep I do some weird things. Think nothing of anything I just did." L stood up and dusted himself off.

"Let's get back to work."

Light just stood there staring at the detective.