To Keep Holding On

Harry only wanted a little time, after the end of his fifth year, but when he is diagnosed with cancer, he finds that time growing infinitely shorter. Harry makes a new friend, finds a new respect and love for his family, and realizes that to keep holding on, may take everything he has. AU, no HBP or DH

--

Really long Author's Note, to hopefully keep you all from yelling at me. It's not really necessary to read unless you have questions and you might so read it anyways, lol. :)

This is incredibly AU as it only takes into account books one through five. There is no mention of book six or seven at all to my knowledge, not because I don't like them, but because I started this before either came out, and wanted to stick to the plot I was working on. Anything that seems similar to HBP or DH is completely coincidence.

There may be a couple questionable canon – non-canon issues, mostly things that I looked up, but couldn't find a definitive answer on, either in the books or online. You'll probably question these yourself as I did. I of course took some liberties in making up some things that none of us will ever likely get an answer for, mostly when it comes to wizards and 'Muggle' illnesses.

The characters in this story may seem out of character. I have tried to get most of them to be as close to canon as possible, but I don't think I did the best of jobs, as I'm not sure how they'd truly react to the situations given to them. The Dursleys especially, aren't completely in character, and I've made Voldemort a bit more human and much less than canon Voldemort. He still has a firm grasp on his old ambitions and is less insane.

This story deals with issues of incurable illnesses and the impact they have. It is very sad and meant to be so, you probably will cry, but I promise a happy ending. I like happy endings, so enjoy reading and hopefully I'll update regularly, but don't shoot me if I get slow in it, this isn't the only thing I'm working on. :)

--

AN: I don't own Harry Potter, that's quite obvious, I'm not rich. :)

--

Chapter One – It Can't Get Any Worse

Some say when life gets bad that it can't get any worse. This was Harry Potter's exact thoughts as he left Kings Cross with his aunt and uncle; the smile he had given to his friends had vanished from his face. Looking over his shoulder, as he now followed his relatives, at Ron, Hermione, Neville, Luna, and Ginny, he had a slight twinge of guilt for becoming their friend. This school year had been the worst of his life. He hadn't thought that anything could have topped his fourth year of school, but his fifth year had proven him wrong by far.

Sirius was dead. And though Harry couldn't place all the blame on his shoulders, he knew that he was partly responsible for his godfather's death. He had done a lot of stupid things in the last year, but believing what he saw in that vision, had been pure idiocy. He'd not given two seconds thought about going to a Professor, an Order member. He'd thought he could handle everything himself, and he'd nearly gotten his friends killed in the process. That thought alone was what had him making up his mind.

This was the first time leaving Hogwarts for the summer holidays that Harry found himself contemplating not returning for the next school year. This was the first time leaving Hogwarts that he hadn't felt like he was leaving his home behind. He almost wished that he had died in his godfather's place, at least then he wouldn't have this tremendous amount of guilt in his heart, or this prophecy that was to dictated the rest of his life, looming over his shoulders.

Harry glanced at his aunt and uncle in the front seat of their car. They were doing their best to pretend that he didn't exist already and they weren't even home yet. Though it was somewhat funny seeing the look on Uncle Vernon's face when the Order had threatened them, he also felt that it was unfair that they threatened them at all. His aunt and uncle didn't have to take him back year after year. They were truly doing it to protect him, even with Dumbledore's threat.

"Aunt Petunia?" Harry asked quietly, finally coming to a decision. He waited until she turned to glare at him before he continued. "Could you and Uncle Vernon write to the Headmaster of my school and tell them to leave me alone?" Petunia looked shocked at the request, understandably, as they had just been told that Harry was supposed to write to them every three days. "Please, I don't think I can deal with the Wizarding world this summer," Harry whispered sadly.

Petunia actually stared at her nephew with something akin to actual concern. She looked at Vernon, who had forced himself not to drive off the road at hearing this, and then looked back at Harry. "If that is what you want, yes."

"Thank you," Harry said as he ignored his cousin openly staring at him and stared out the window at the passing scenery. He knew he wouldn't be able to segregate himself from the Wizard world completely, but he could give himself the summer at least.

The rest of the ride home was spent in silence. Harry dragged his belongings upstairs as soon as they had arrived and then took out a piece of parchment and a Muggle pen and brought it down to his aunt and uncle.

They both looked at him odd, but did as Harry requested and wrote the letter to Dumbledore as Harry instructed them to. The two adults signed it and then Harry took the paper, and thanking them sincerely, brought it back upstairs, the two adults watching him with perplexity in their eyes as he left. He sat down and read the letter over once.

Headmaster Albus Dumbledore,

We aren't sure what you've done to our nephew, but Harry has requested not to be contacted by anyone in your world this summer. Please follow his and our wishes and leave him alone. He requests no owls to be sent or contact through our world's post. The only owl he wishes to receive is the one that holds his OWL test scores and book list and will not open any other letters from you or anyone in your world.

Petunia Dursley

Vernon Dursley

Harry figured that should get the point across, but he laid the parchment down in front of him and put in his own personal note underneath. He wanted to make absolutely certain that Dumbledore knew that he was completely serious about this. He needed time.

Professor Dumbledore,

This was not my aunt and uncle's idea. I wish to be isolated from the Wizarding world for the summer. I have much to think on after this year. I will be at Kings Cross the first of September, but bar any emergencies I don't want any contact from you, the Order, or my friends. This will be the only correspondence I will send and will leave it up to you to let everyone else know of my wishes. I will be sending Hedwig directly to Hermione after she delivers this letter, so you may send a letter with her if you want.

Please respect my wishes,

Harry Potter

Harry folded the parchment and handed it to his owl. "Hedwig, I want you to take this to Professor Dumbledore and then go to Hermione's and stay there. I'll see you when the summer's over." Hedwig butted his hand, nipped at his fingers affectionately and then climbed up his shoulder. "Aren't you going to go, Hedwig?" he asked as she leaned into his head, nuzzling his neck over affectionately.

Harry thought it was odd. Normally when he gave her something to do, she was out the window almost as fast as he could tell her where to go. She stayed where she was for several minutes until Harry finally pushed her out the window.

Hedwig flew in a circle outside his window, almost as if she was unwilling to go. "Go on, Hedwig, I'll see you when school starts and Hermione will take good care of you," Harry said reassuringly. Hedwig flew around for a few more minutes before finally leaving. Harry watched her go; he didn't understand what was up with his owl.

Harry shook his head as she disappeared and then went to unpack his trunk. He didn't bother removing his schoolbooks or other supplies. His relatives didn't like his magical related belongings laying around, even in his room, and if he were going to be here for the entire summer, he was going to follow their wishes and keep himself on their good side.

He started to put his clothes away in his dresser as neatly as he'd always done when at home. If there was one thing he'd ever learned from the Dursleys it was to be organized. The only reason his trunk was as cluttered as it was, was because the one time he'd had it organized his dorm mates had looked at him oddly. He'd still been a first year then and had quickly conformed to the other boys levels of messiness, if only to avoid possible future ridicule, but he did like to be tidy.

Harry was just putting the rest of his clothes away when he suddenly started to feel dizzy. Harry put his head in his hands and moved to sit down on his bed as the room started to tilt violently. He collapsed before he got there…

--

A second firmer knock sounded at Harry's door and then Petunia opened the door when she didn't receive an answer. The very first thing she saw was her nephew, laying unconscious on the floor. "Potter?" she called, but Harry didn't move. She hurried into the room and shook her nephew. "Harry!" she called sharply when she didn't get a response.

Harry groaned as he blinked opened his eyes. "What?"

"Are you all right?" Petunia asked as Harry sat up and shook his head to clear it, his vision was a little fuzzy at first, but it quickly cleared. He looked up to his aunt in confusion.

"Yeah, w-what happened?" he asked.

"I don't know. I found you like this. Has this happened before?" she asked with slight concern, which Harry had never heard from her before.

Harry shook his head and stood up. "No, but I'm sure it was nothing. I probably tripped and hit my head or something," Harry said as he shrugged it off and ran his hand through his hair somewhat shakily. He'd never passed out with there being no reason beforehand for it.

Petunia looked doubtful at him, but dropped it. "I just came to tell you dinner was ready," she said quietly and then left the room, looking back at him briefly with narrowed eyes.

Harry looked out the window and saw that the sun was nearly down. He had been unconscious for an hour at the least then. He looked around his room for a moment before he shook his head and left it. He probably was just tired or something, it had been a hard couple weeks. He did briefly wonder why his aunt hadn't come to order him to help with dinner as he descended the stairs and entered the kitchen.

Harry sat down at the kitchen table and was surprised at the large portion he received for his meal, but he didn't complain about it. Dudley seemed to be surprised as well, but didn't comment either. About halfway through the meal, Vernon looked up to his nephew.

"Potter, your aunt and I would like to speak with you after dinner."

Harry nodded, wondering what this was about, but went back to his meal. He couldn't have done something wrong already. But with his uncle, one could never tell what wrong was. Harry shrugged it off, he'd find out soon enough.

After dinner was through, Harry got up to do the dishes, but his aunt stopped him. "Leave the dishes and come sit with us in the sitting room."

Harry looked at his aunt as if she'd grown a second head. It was an unspoken rule that the dishes were always done by him when he was home. And sit with them in the sitting room, he'd never been allowed to do such a thing. He followed his relatives tentatively, briefly wondering if they had been abducted by aliens and replaced with pod people while he was away at school. "Did I do something wrong?" Harry asked hesitantly, as his aunt and uncle sat.

"Sit down, Harry," Petunia said, and only because she had said his first name, Harry sat. "Vernon and I have been talking and we've both agreed that we want to know what happened to you while you were away at school this year."

Harry was about to snap that it was none of their business, but decided not to. If they honestly wanted to know, he would tell them. But why they suddenly cared, Harry didn't know. "What didn't happen to me is what you should be asking," Harry muttered quietly to himself. He took a deep breath. "You remember last summer, how I used to have those nightmares?" His aunt and uncle nodded. "A classmate of mine was murdered in front of me."

His aunt and uncle looked at him incredulously and with horrified eyes. Harry didn't know why he chose to start there, probably because that was where all this really started to come crashing down around him.

Harry told them of his entire encounter with the newly resurrected Dark Lord, his summer after he had left Privet Drive, his school year with Umbridge, how he ran the illegal Defense group and his Christmas at Grimmauld Place. He told them everything, spilled it all forth without any interruptions at all. And when he came to the part of the Department of Mysteries, Sirius' death, and the prophecy Dumbledore had laid on him, he was surprised when his aunt sat next to him on the couch and put her arm around his shoulders as he finally let himself really cry.

Harry dried his tears on his sleeve and Petunia stood from the couch. She looked at Vernon's shocked face, as did Harry and then she looked back at Harry, not quite meeting his eyes. "You should get along to bed; it's been a long day."

Harry nodded and then left the sitting room. He had no idea what his relatives' reactions were going to be. His reaction wasn't a very happy one, and he lived through it. Harry actually decided to do as his aunt said and went upstairs to go to bed early. Harry wasn't surprised to see an owl waiting for him when he got there. He shook his head and was about to take the letter, but then stopped, if he gave in now then he'd have to deal with the lot of them all summer.

"Take the letter back, I'm not opening it," Harry said to the brown barn owl on his bed. The owl held up the letter, as if to say, last chance. Harry shook his head and the owl took the letter and left back out the window. Harry walked over, closed the window, and locked it, and then he got changed and quickly fell into a restless sleep, full of dark corridors, graveyards, veils, and shadows.

--

The next morning while Harry was getting dressed another owl tried to deliver yet another letter, but again Harry told the owl to go back even though the front of the letter clearly said in Hermione's writing, read me, from Hermione. She probably wanted to know why Hedwig was with her and why she wouldn't deliver any mail.

Harry stepped out into the hallway to go downstairs and start breakfast, as was his normal routine, when the room started to spin violently. Harry grabbed out for the wall to keep himself from falling, but only managed to grab onto a very startled Dudley and bring him down with him as he blacked out.

"Potter!" yelled Dudley as he extricated himself. "Mum, Dad!" he yelled when he didn't get any response from Harry.

Petunia and Vernon ran out of their bedroom, still in their night clothes, as Dudley shook Harry a bit harder and Harry blinked open his eyes. "Dudley, what?" he asked incoherently.

"You fainted," Dudley told him as Harry pushed himself unsteadily back to his feet.

"That's the second time that's happened," Petunia said.

"I'm fine," Harry said forcefully as he shook his head. "Really," he said firmly when Petunia looked like she didn't believe him. "I'm sure it's nothing. I've had a hard couple weeks; it's probably all just catching up to me."

Harry took in a deep breath. He didn't quite believe that himself, but he chose to shrug it off again and continued on downstairs. His aunt, uncle, and cousin followed him, watching him closely; even as he made breakfast for everyone. They ate in silence. Again, Harry got a rather large portion, but nobody commented, even when he only finished half.

After breakfast, Harry went back upstairs to do what small amount of summer homework he had. It wasn't much considering he didn't know what classes he'd be able to take come fall. Mostly it was reading, but Snape, being Snape had given an essay for homework regardless. Harry decided to get it out of the way.

By the time lunch rolled around, Harry had finished his rather lengthy essay and started on some reading for Transfiguration. He was starting to feel a bit hungry, so after marking his place, he left his room and headed downstairs.

He had just gotten supplies out to cook lunch when his aunt came into the kitchen and to Harry's astonishment started to help him with lunch. Harry tried to pretend that this was normal, but he kept glancing over at his aunt curiously.

After a bit, his aunt looked over at him from her spot cutting up lettuce. "How are you feeling?" she asked quite bluntly.

Harry shook his head, but didn't look up at her. "I'm fine," he answered.

"I didn't ask if you were fine, I asked how you were feeling," Petunia stated.

"I feel fine," Harry lied. He was actually feeling kind of sluggish.

"You're pale," Petunia pointed out. "More than normal," she added when Harry glanced at her.

"I haven't had much sun," Harry answered back almost immediately.

Petunia turned back to her lettuce, seeming to drop the subject and Harry turned back to his preparations. Dudley came in a few minutes later, probably to ask when lunch would be ready. Harry answered his question before he could ask and Dudley stared at him for a moment before turning and leaving the kitchen.

"I don't want you to return to Hogwarts," Petunia said suddenly. Harry stilled in what he was doing and glared up at his aunt. She put her knife aside with a sigh and turned to look at him in the eyes. "I won't pretend that I'm comfortable with you being, one of them, but…"

"I can't exactly change who I am," Harry began to argue.

"I know, and I have no right keeping you from going back to school, I dare say I likely couldn't stop you from going back," Petunia continued. "I only wish it were safer for you –"

"I don't think it'll ever be safe for me, Aunt Petunia," Harry stated and turned back to finish with lunch. "But regardless of the problems there, it's where I belong. I could never willingly give up magic."

Petunia closed her eyes for a moment and then looked up again. "Harry, you are my nephew, my sister's son and part of my family, regardless of my feelings towards Lily. I don't want you to die."

Harry stilled again. "I'm not going to die," he muttered, though he didn't quite believe it himself.

"I fear you might if you go back," Petunia whispered and returned to what she was doing. Harry didn't have a response to that, because he feared it too.

Dudley, Petunia and Harry all sat down to lunch a short while later, but Harry after a few bites wasn't as hungry as he had been earlier. He didn't know what was up with him, he was practically starving earlier. Harry bit his lip and then pushed his plate away.

Petunia looked up at him. "Are you sure you are feeling all right, you haven't eaten hardly anything."

"I'm not really that hungry, I'll save the rest for later, maybe I'll want something then," Harry said with a sigh. Petunia opened her mouth to comment but then closed it again. Harry stood and put his food away. "I'm going to go for a walk, I need some air."

"Potter," Harry turned back to his aunt. "Don't go too far; I know those – those people might be watching out for you, but…"

Harry nodded. "I know; I'll stay on Privet Drive."

With that said, Harry left the kitchen and walked out into the bright, sunny afternoon. As he walked down the street with is hands in his pockets, he couldn't help but think over his aunts words. She thought of him as family. His aunt had never been as mean and bullying to him as his uncle, but she'd never called him family before, burden yes, but not family. A small space in his heart swelled at fact that she cared whether he lived or died, that she actually saw him as family. It was a small gesture really, but it was still there.

True to his word, Harry didn't go very far, only to the end of the block. He was on his way back when he started to feel dizzy again and he sat down on the curb outside number fifteen and put his head in his hands, breathing deeply until the dizziness went away.

Harry lifted his head and noticed his hands were lightly shaking. He clenched them tightly to stop them. "What's wrong with me?" he muttered to himself.

"Hey, you all right there?" A voice came from over Harry's shoulder and he turned to look up at a girl about his age. She was clutching to her hip a one-year-old boy as the boy pulled on her equally blond hair and fussed about something that was mostly baby talk.

Harry nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine." He was about to get up and walk on, knowing that most of his neighbors had warned their kids to stay away from the delinquent Potter boy, but before he could, the girl surprised him and sat down beside him, setting the boy on her lap.

"This is Sammy, he's my baby brother and I'm Danielle Crawford, we're just moved here," the newly named Danielle said, as she pointed over her shoulder to number fifteen that Harry now saw had a moving van parked in their drive.

"Harry Potter," Harry said in return, after a moment's hesitation. "I live at number four with my aunt, uncle, and cousin."

"Oh, do you go to Stonewall?" Danielle asked.

Harry hesitated again, but then shook his head. "No, I go to, umm, St.…"

"A private school up north, very elite, very hard to get into," Dudley suddenly said loudly from across the street. He crossed at a slow jog. "I'm Dudley, Harry's cousin. Mum said someone was moving in, but wasn't sure who. Guess I can answer her question on who, now."

Harry gaped at his cousin from his still seated position. Danielle looked up at Dudley and smiled. "Yep, just my mom, Sammy and me," Danielle said, but looked a little sad in Harry's opinion.

Dudley gave her and the boy a lopsided smile before turning back to Harry. "Mum and I are going to the Market. She wanted to know if you wanted to go, and if not, she wants you to stay inside until we get back."

"Oh, umm, I'll come back to the house, I'm not feeling so good," Harry said truthfully as he stood and brushed himself off.

Dudley looked Harry up and down and must have decided that he agreed with Harry because he said, "You don't look so good."

Harry shrugged. "I guess I'll see you around, Danielle."

"Sure, hope you feel better, come by anytime, don't really have a lot of friends yet, you to Dudley, and please, call me Danny."

Harry smiled slight and then nodded and walked back to number four with his cousin. "Dudley, thank you for not saying that I go to St. Brutus'," Harry said softly.

"Thank you for saving my life last year," Dudley said with equal softness and the two entered number four without any further conversation.

Harry went to his room as soon as they returned and noticed four more owls waiting for him. He recognized all of the handwriting and one by one, told the owls to take the letters back. He hesitated when it came to the one from Remus, but with a sigh, sent that one on its way as well, and then he laid down on his bed to take a nap and get the Wizarding world out of his head.

--

To be continued…