QUESTION 42

Dear Joker,

What's your advice on the best way to lose weight? My friends just surprised me with an early birthday gift of a cruise in the Caribbean. It's still ten weeks out, but I can't show up on that boat looking like I do now. I really need your help.

Thanks,

Chris

- - - REPLY - - -

HiYa, porKchOp.

iNduLge me foR a minuTe heRe, and Let mE ask you A queStion, m'kaY?

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"Do tHese

pAnTs maKe mY

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.

BUtt

LooK BIG?"

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hmmmMmMMmmm? WeLL, do theY?

wiLL you looK at me? Will yOu valLdate me, pLeeEeeeease? wiLL you pay atTention to me aNd giVe me coMpLiments and maKe me feeL desIred? Will you adMire me and LIE to me so i can coNtinue to eaT ice cReam by the gaLLon and pRetend that sWeatpanTs stretChed across acRes of ass is boNer foddeR?

Seeeeeee… asKing how biG your ASS looKs in somEthing reaLLy iS one of the Most aNnoYing quesTions anYonE can ask. As oBnoXious as:

"Are we tHere yet?"

or

"HeCKuva day, isN't it?"

or

"Why won't you juSt kiLL me QuicKLy with a GuN?"

( yAwN )

So… First oFf, I waNt to appLaud you for noT asKing that quesTion. iT's boRinG.

aNd, no...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I don't neEd an ansWer from yOu because I Know mY bUtt Looks gReaT in these paNts. LooKs GreAt ouT of 'eM, too. Quite...

.

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* sPankabLe *

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(anD thAt's not the onlY thing tHAt gets SpaNkeD souTh of my eQuator.)

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the gOod neWs is that yOu'Ve got oPtions here, cHris. loTs of optiOns.

One scHooL of thougHt cLaims the bEst waY to lose wEight is to dO it sLowly. if you'Re a totAL pussY who is aFraid of rApid change, tHis may be yOur pReference. To thaT end, i reCommend contRacting AiDS. it'S not an oveRniGht soLutioN, but whEn the wEight starts to droP off... man, it wiLL come off and stAy off.

Man oh mAn oh... wO-man.

?

?

?

WaiT, wHat arE you, Chris? You'Ve got one oF those geNder-neutRal namEs. aRe you a "cHristoPher"... or A "chRistINE"?

or aRe yOu a

"ChriStian"?

JeSus ChrisT (HA! seE the iRony?), who wouLd eVer namE theiR sPawn afTer a reLigious dee-Voh-taY? "mEet my kiD, sHinToist. " souNds dumB.

AnYway, wHatever your genDer is (do yoU aim at uRinaL caKes when pEEing?), yoU didn'T tell me whaT your fiNanciaL stanDing is, becAuse thaT also cAn afFect your weiGht loss pLan. HeroIn can drOp the weight off faIrly quIckly. sO can Meth, and witH meTh you Get the bOnus weiGht loss from wHeN youR teeth faLL out. (bYe byE, cHoppERs.) tHe cAtch is, you uSually neeD moneY to buY druGs.

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unLess you eMbrace the BarTER system aNd don'T mind suCking diCk for youR hit.

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iF there aren'T any puShers in youR neighBorhooD, buT you liKe the idEa of faSt weight losS, a mOre coSt-eFfectiVe mEthod is to hAck off a liMb. a Leg weigHs aBout seVenteeN perCent of youR totAL bodY mASS, so muLL that oNe oVer. iF you nEed heLp deTachinG soMething, i cAn asSist. i'M a heLpeR. iT's what i dO.

hOweVer, if youR wardRobE reQuires aLL limBs to keeP your cLothes on, thaT rouTe may not bE iDeaL.

tHat brinGs mE to the tWo triEd-and-trUe methoDs that moSt peopLe only tuRn to when theY're totaLLy desPerate for wEight LoSS:

diEt and eXercise.

...(sUddenLy, sucKing a dicK doesn't sound likE such a baD opTion, doEs it, ChriS?)

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.

dIets are pRetty straightForwArD: StoP eating so mUch fooD. if you staPLe your liPs shut, thaT can heLp curb overEating. iF you doN't havE a tonGue, tHat aLso can maKe eating a biT of a chaLLengE. ConsiDer haviNg youRs remoVed tO heLp enSure you dOn't minDlessLy sNack on toO many empTy calories wHile waTchiNg youTube viDeos of people sneaKing up on puSsyCats with cuCumBers.

for eXerciSe, you couLd inSuLt a MOb consiGLiatore. ("yO, viNnie, coMmissioneR GordOn swiPed right wHen he saW youR cRoss-dreSsing penIs seLfie. hE says yoUr motheR's coRal satIn paNties reaLLy coMpLemenT the auBurn of your pUbes.") tHere's a gooD chance you'LL be running for the REst of your LifE if you dO, so thAt's liKelY to resuLt in weIght loss. oR liFe loSs.

iT all comes dOWn to wiLLpowEr. If you dOn't havE any, dRugs are proBably goIng to be your beSt bet. thEre's a bar in the naRrows that ofFers a prEtty good nigHt's saLary if you taKe the gLory hoLe shift in the secoNd staLL in the meN's rooM. yOu don'T get tO picK your poIson there, tHough: mEth onLy. tHey prefer noT to haVe bLow jobs enCumbered bY teeth. juSt keEp your eYes oPen. sOmetimes i liKe to keEp thinGs intereSting by sTicking sometHing thRough that hoLe thAt might giVe you a sMile as raKish as mIne.

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ThAt's my aDvice, chRis. eAt it uP.

juSt don't sLatheR buTtercream fRostinG on it beFore you Do. hA.

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-jOKer

A/N: After a 5-year hiatus, I'll be writing chapters again from time to time. Aside from mounting professional responsibilities, I stopped writing this story in early 2012 because too many readers had misunderstood its creative intent. (The idea was basic: the Joker gives advice to readers who need it.) It was not intended to be a role-playing forum for fangirls who wanted to profess their love for the Joker or to provoke him, but overwhelmingly that was the type of interaction that was being requested. Believe me, I completely understand the draw and fantasy of wanting some sort of personal interaction with this character, but that's not what this story is for. The demands for role-play became overwhelming, which was taking the story off-course, and it was more than I could manage. For me, writing these chapters was a fun escape. When it turned into work... I had to abandon it for a while. Like many of you, I already have a demanding full-time 60+ hour/week job. I need less work, not more.

There are literally hundreds of reviews that I still need to respond to, which have been sitting in my inbox for an extremely long time. I will try to work through those as quickly as I can. In the meantime, this story will not be taking new advice questions for a while. Thank you for your understanding.

-4oC, 2017.04.08