"So,
how many times have you fought the Deadites, Ash?" Ami asked the
clerk as he packed up his locker.
"More times than I'd like
to remember, and definitely more times than I'd like to count,"
he said, zipping close his backpack. "These things are like a bad
itch. Once they get into you, there isn't a whole hell of a lot you
can do to stop them."
Yumi stretched her arms over her head and
yawned. "So, what would happen if one of us were taken over by this
evil whatchmacallit?"
Ash hefted the pack onto his shoulder.
"Then I'd be carving you up like a Thanksgiving turkey within two
seconds of you going all Deadite on me," he said
matter-of-factly.
The girl's eyes grew wide, and she swallowed
hard. "That's-that's good to know," she stammered.
"Consider
it a public service," the clerk said. "Now, let's roll on out
of here."
As the group made a beeline for the emergency exit,
Ash noticed his sandwich still sitting on the table where he had left
it. Immediately, his stomach growled and reminded him that he had yet
to fill it.
Slowly, as to not attract attention, he seated
himself back down in front of his lunch, and picked it up.
"Well,
might as well have one for the road," he said as he opened his
mouth.
Suddenly, before Ash could react, Kaz walked by and
snatched the tuna fish sandwich right out of the clerk's
hands!
"Thanks!" the little man said, happily munching down on
the sandwich as he walked away. "I could sure use a snack right
about now."
Sighing in disgust, Ash got back up and headed for
the exit. "If I'm stuck with having to save the world again, I at
least hoped I could have done it on a full stomach," he grumbled to
himself.
The group slowly made their way outside, each of them
on the lookout for any Deadites in the area. Apparently Ash's
presence was enough of a deterrent, for none were in sight.
"Wow,
those guys cleared out of here pretty quick," Ami said as she
looked around.
"They tend to whenever I'm in town," the
clerk said, smirking. "I've got so many tallies on my scorecard,
I'm thinking about betting on myself at the local sports
book."
Looking ahead, the group could make out the silhouette of
Ash's Oldsmobile, sitting idly in the parking space.
"Has
anyone noticed how quiet it is around here?" Kaz said, glancing
around him. "It's like the whole city is…"
"Dead?" Ash
finished for the manager. "That's 'cause it is, Short Stuff.
Soon enough, the evil essence of the Deadite Queen and the Army of
Darkness is gonna sweep over the entire world – providing we don't
stop it, of course."
Suddenly, Ash stiffened. Something wasn't
right about this situation…
"ASH!" a voice emanated from
the darkness of the early morning sky.
"Whoahh!" the clerk
cried, leaping nearly a foot into the air. As he caught himself, a
ghostly head began to materialize in front of the small group.
"Wh-what the hell is that?!" Yumi cried, hiding herself
behind Raven.
Noticing the face that had appeared before him, Ash
grimaced. "Knowby…" he grunted. "Why am I not surprised to
see you here?"
"Ash," the spirit said, its' deep booming
voice echoing in the silence of the empty streets. "It seems the
evil has risen again."
"No shit, Sherlock," the clerk shot
back, irritated. "What gave it away? The entourage of shemps
behinds me, or the army of Deadites that just turned my job into a
full-blown pain in the ass?"
Ignoring the dripping sarcasm,
Knowby continued. "Once again, it's up to you, Ash, to send these
demons back where they belong and free the world from their iron
grip," he said.
Ash waved his hand at the spirit. "Stop being
such a worrywart, Knowbes," he said. "I'll just hunt down these
ass pirates, send the Wicked Witch of the Dead back into her little
lamp, do some ethnic cleansing, and be home in time for corn flakes –
and don't make me mention food again, pal. I haven't eaten for 20
hours."
The ghostly head shook back and forth as Knowby
grimaced. "It will not be that easy, Ash," he said.
"What
are you talking about?" the clerk asked.
"When Raven summoned
the Deadite Queen, she had the Book with her," the spirit said,
sadly. "It was one of the incantations that released the beast from
its' slumber."
A small bead of sweat slid down Ash's face.
"So where's the Book?" he asked.
"Back with Raven's
body," Knowby stated. "Unfortunately, her body is now host to the
Deadite Queen itself."
A wave of shock hit the clerk. "Knowbes,
you aren't saying what I think you're saying –"
"The
Army of Darkness already has the Book, Ash," the ghost said. "They
have been using its' spells to increase the range of their power
and influence over the world."
"Ahhh…SON OF A BITCH!!!"
the man yelled, clenching his fists and stomping his foot. Looking
over at Raven, his eyes widened in anger.
"Do you have any idea
how difficult you are making this for me, Raven?!" he shouted, spit
flying from his lips. "Why don't I just lie on a big platter and
you roll me right up to the Deadite Queen so she can eat my ass?! It
would be a hell of a lot easier than what I have to do now!"
Ash
shook his head. "Why the hell didn't you grab the book?" he
asked the girl.
"Well, I was in the middle of an out-of-body
experience, and there was that part where that creature threw me into
another dimension, so in the heat of the moment I forgot it," the
Goth girl shot back sarcastically. "Plus, if you look at my outfit,
I don't exactly have any pockets!"
"Calm down, you two,"
Knowby said, comfortingly. "All is not lost yet. There still
remains one chance at completing this mission."
"Like what,
Knowbes?" the clerk asked, sneering. "You want us to walk up to
the Deadite Queen and ask her for the book back? That'll never
work! Face it – they got the book. Game over. Do not pass go. Do
not collect 200 friggin' dollars!"
"There is still a vessel
of Kandarian knowledge that has not fallen into the hands of the
Army," the spirit said. "You must seek it out. It has the
necessary incantations to help combat the spells placed into effect
by the Deadite Queen. You will fail without it."
Ash sighed.
"Okay, Knowby," he said, calming down. "Where do I find this
vessel of voodoo crap?"
"I think you already know where he
is," the face stated matter-of-factly. "To succeed in this
mission, you will have to rekindle an old friendship."
For a
moment, the clerk sat in silence. Then a look of recognition – and
horror – shot across his face. "Oh no!" he said, wagging his
finger back and forth. "No! No way! No way in hell! I'd rather
have the Deadite Queen chop my head off and shove it up my ass than
have to work with that guy again! Uh-uh, ain't happening! There is
no way in hell that you're going to get me to do that!"
"Why
the hell am I doing this?" Ash grumbled to himself as he drove on
into the sun drenched horizon. "Of all the lousy,
no-good…damn!"
Despite the fact that the suggestion Professor
Knowby had given him had not been to his liking, the clerk know no
other way to deal with the powers of the Book than using its' own
spells against it. By this time, Ash had headed out to find what he
needed – rather, who he needed. In the back seat of the car sat
Ami, Yumi and Raven. The Goth girl had given up the front seat to
Kaz, since she knew that her sitting next to the clerk was bound to
cause some problems. They had been driving for only twenty minutes,
and Ash was already regretting that decision as Kaz chatted non-stop
about all of the legends and lore he had read about The Necronomicon
and the events that had transpired in the cabin. For the dashing
hero, it was an unwanted trip down Hell's memory lane. Sensing his
tension, Ami opted to change the subject.
"Ash, who's this
guy that knows all these incantations?" she asked.
The man
sighed. "Well, the whole thing started back at that damn cabin,"
he began. "I had to kill my friends – and my girlfriend – in
self-defense. Unfortunately for yours truly, the legal system says
killing's a bad thing – even if it's a host of a Kandarian
Demon. So, I went up for murder, was declared insane, and sent to
this lovely shithole known as Sunny Meadows."
Ash paused as he
took a right-hand turn. "Anyway," he continued, "I found out
while I was there that my shrink had gotten his meaty palms on the
Book and was hell-bent on starting the Second Coming a little bit
early. So, I jumped into action. The bad thing was, without the Book,
I couldn't stop Reinhardt from releasing the evil, and it wasn't
like I could read that ancient blah-blah anyway. So, Knowby stuck me
with this three-foot tall, half-dead pain in my ass that was about as
talkative as your friend Kaz here. Long story short, we kicked my
shrink's ass and put my lawyer out of her misery when she turned on
me. Just my luck…"
The car pulled up to a run-down house on
the outskirts of the city. Putting it in park, Ash exited the vehicle
and headed towards the front door. Anxiety showed on the man's face
as he rung the doorbell. This would not be a pleasant reunion...
As
the door opened, Ami and Yumi tried their best not to be sickened by
what stood in the doorway. To them, it looked like a three-foot tall
corpse that had just come from trouncing around in a grave. Half of
the creature's face was horribly disfigured, and the other half
wasn't too shabby, either.
"What the hell is that?" Raven
muttered to herself, getting out of the car for a better look.
"I
don't know, but I hope we're at the wrong house," Kaz
whimpered, cowering behind the two rockers.
The creature hadn't
caught sight of the girls or the manager yet, but it immediately
recognized Ash.
"ASH!" it exclaimed. "I never expected to
see you here! It's been a long time!"
"Yea, it has," the
man said, grimacing, "but not long enough, Sam…"