A/N: This is my second oneshot, and my first shot at humor. :) Played around a bit with this one, but my beta said it was good for me to change genres now and then so I could have some more scope in regards to my other (usually darker) stories. Oh, and I will dedicate this to nicki-gurl (who needs to start working on her own stories -wink wink nudge nudge-). Sorry if it sucks, though. XD

Special Thanks: This goes to my beta, Asami-chann. She's always there to fix my mistakes, even if her computer can't decide which version of English to edit me with. (I think your computer went American this time, Asami-chan.)

Warnings: Yaoi, liberal amounts of crack, overprotective!Seigaku

Pairings: SanaRyo (Cap pair), implied/mentions of Perfect, Uke, Golden, Sweet, but Platinum and Endurance might have slipped in while I wasn't looking.

Firestorm

Somewhere along the way, Sanada recounted, something had gone horribly wrong. He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment, but he had a feeling that it had probably started when he had naively decided to implement his -- in hindsight, admittedly -- foolish plan at such a public location. If he had even a shred of foresight, he should have attempted his plans in a secluded area, somehow luring his target to him. Not that that would have been particularly hard; all he had to do was ask for a tennis match and he was pretty much set.

Social practices were not Sanada's strongpoint however. So when he began to feel not-quite-rival-like feelings for a certain arrogant freshman on an opposing team, he was more than a little confused. After approaching Yanagi for a clarification on the strange symptoms he was experiencing whenever he thought about the freshman, which was plenty, his peer had stared at him -- well, as much as Yanagi can stare with his eyes always closed in that way of his -- for a long moment before calmly telling his vice-captain that he had a crush.

Sanada Genichirou. A crush. On Echizen Ryoma.

After confessing his predicament to Yukimura, since the captain had noticed something off with his teammate and had sweetly asked Sanada to spill his secret before the Child of God unleashed Hell on him for not complying with his demands, it was only a matter of time before the other Regulars of Rikkai Dai learned of Sanada's 'situation'. There was a mild shock, but then Niou had gotten it into his head that Sanada had "finally grown into a man. Aren't you happy, Yagyuu-dear?"

(Which was swiftly followed by a "Don't call me that, Niou-kun." via Yagyuu.

"What are you talking about, Niou-kun?"

"Don't start, Niou-kun."

"You're the one that's playing games, Niou-kun.")

As it was, Sanada--though he would never admit it--was actually both relieved and glad to have his friends' support. They were more than happy to give him advice ("Ask him out to eat." "Watch a movie with him." "Meet him regularly for tennis matches." "Jump him!") and Yanagi had even given him a list of relevant information pertaining to his object of affection, complete with a few hints to get in the boy's good graces.

The steps were easy enough. Play tennis with him. Take him out to eat. Buy him as much ponta as he desires. Echizen Ryoma, Sanada began to realize, was actually quite easy to court compared to those strange girls in the shoujo anime Jackal had offered him to watch for "research."

When he went to implement this list of easy advances, however, he encountered an obstacle he hadn't realized previously.

That obstacle was Seigaku.

Whether it was because he lacked strategic ability, or he had overestimated himself (or underestimated them), or even because the school lunch had tasted funny today--it had come to this.

Sanada watched in forlorn silence as a nearby tennis cart exploded, scattering green-yellow balls all over the charred Seigaku tennis courts.

"What the hell was that?!" Kirihara demanded angrily. He, along with the rest of the Rikkai Dai Regulars, had followed Sanada to Seigaku's home turf in order to provide 'moral support,' though both Yagyuu and Niou were just there for the kicks and the Demon had a disturbing feeling Yukimura was deepening his fascination into voyeurism, but nonetheless all eight were present--and currently huddled behind the water fountain as a defense measure.

"Firecrackers," Yanagi answered blandly, as if this was the most natural thing to have on hand in a school.

Another explosion to their front led credible evidence to the belief that the front of the watering fountain had been struck, especially as the frizzles of multicolored sparks were seen over the top. Yukimura, even crouched as he was, was still smiling serenely as he watched the limited display, not at all perturbed by what sounded disturbingly like war calls from where the Seigaku Regulars were stationed in front of their clubhouse.

It had started out innocently enough; Sanada had idled onto Seishun Gakuen grounds, looping his way down to the tennis courts where Yanagi had stated, with utmost certainty, the Seigaku Regulars--including Echizen--would be, the rest of the Regulars trailing behind him some ways to watch the show. Sanada was still in his school uniform, with nothing but his tennis bag slung over one shoulder and a grape ponta as an offering for the freshman he was trying to attain.

The Seigaku Regulars had taken one look at that, then erupted.

Fuji Syuusuke had managed to commandeer leadership for the moment that Tezuka was mystified by the arrival of a rival team, ordering Momoshiro and Kaidoh to take Echizen back into the clubhouse, before ordering the rest to act as some sort of guard--namely, having them serve tennis balls at the stunned members of Rikkai Dai. A moment was all they needed, as Tezuka pulled everyone back to the clubhouse door, and Sanada was deterred from following when Kawamura had picked up a referee chair and sent it flying at him with a loud cry of "BURNING!"

The sudden and rather merciless display of hostility had forced those of Rikkai Dai behind the fountain, and it was quickly accepted this wasn't going to be a problem solved by tennis--as apparent when a pitcher of neon-colored liquid came spiraling at them, leaving a splatter by the gate to the tennis court that hissed unpleasantly. Sanada didn't even want to know what it was, and luckily for all of them, Yanagi wasn't going to explain.

"Alright! I've always wanted to use these!" Niou grinned, reaching into his tennis bag and pulling out a few balls of various colors. Yagyuu and Jackal eyed the spheres in mounting trepidation, but both Marui and Kirihara leaned closer for inspection.

Yukimura looked appeased. "Ah, you brought smoke bombs. How fortunate."

Sanada felt a headache coming on. "Niou, we are not throwing smoke bombs on Seigaku grounds."

This time, all of them turned to look at him in shock -- minus both Yanagi and Yukimura, of course. "Sanada," Marui started, as if trying to reason with a madman, "They've been launching all sorts of firecrackers and rockets at us. I don't think smoke bombs will do as much damage as they did."

Yanagi glanced around the edge of the fountain, pulling back just in time to miss a tennis ball to the face. "Best make a decision soon; they've somehow acquired a catapult." He paused a beat. "They're loading it with Inui Juice."

Silence, before Sanada gave in with a sigh. Niou grinned triumphantly and pulled out a pack of matches.

Seigaku Front

"Just how much juice is in your locker, Inui-senpai?" Momo asked dubiously, looking rather nauseous even as he loaded the beverages into Kawamura's Physics project. No one had bothered to ask the sushi chef-in-training why he had left his project in the clubhouse; it could only count as an asset on their part, in any case. Those damned Rikkai had positioned themselves behind the water fountain and remained untouched, despite their best efforts. At the very least, they hadn't managed to advance, thus the battle was still tilted to Seigaku's advantage.

"Who cares, as long as we're not the ones drinking it?" Kikumaru reproached, lighting up another firecracker and throwing it in the general direction of the water fountain (or as they had taken to calling it, "Enemy Base"). Momo shrugged in easy acceptance, stepping away from the catapult just as Fuji leaned over (from where he had previously been serving tennis balls at their opponents) and casually flipped the stopper, and three pitchers of Aozu sailed through the air and sloshed all over the water fountain. From the agitated squawks that roared up in response, it seemed they had managed to hit some of their targets. Jackal's slumped form fell to the side and into visibility--likely knocked unconscious by his impromptu Aozu shower.

"Nooo! Jackaaaal!" came Marui's horrified shriek. "You sick bastards--!"

There was a spot of red hair seen, before it was once again pulled back behind the defensive line.

"Don't be a fool, Marui! You can't help Jackal now!" Niou's voice reprimanded. "They'll just knock you out next!"

As if to solidify this fact, Kikumaru cackled in evil glee, but it was Fuji's low chuckles that sent cold shivers down everyone's spines.

Ensconced somewhere deep in the bowels of the clubhouse (about six feet from the door), Oishi stopped mid-lecture as he eyed his doubles partner and sadistic teammate with worried green eyes. Deciding to let it go just this once, he turned back to the freshman who was glaring mutinously at him from where he was sitting on the bench, bound and gagged. Oishi briefly felt guilty about the extreme measures, but he reminded himself that this was for Echizen's Greater Good; he was still a child, after all, and Oishi would do his part as a dutiful senpai in protecting and educating him.

"Now, Echizen, you have to understand; the workings of hormones are a complex and often disastrous thing...." Oishi started in on his lecture, having been delegated the task of explaining to Echizen the Horrors of Hormonal Boys and Avoiding Perverts After A Young Boy's Chastity. His tutorial on common STDs had not been well-received by the freshman, and Oishi had been forced to cut it short when it looked like the boy was going to throw up. There'd be no point in his mission if the boy were to choke to death on his own regurgitation. The vice-captain easily switched to his lecture on how to identify and avoid perverts, using Sanada as his prime example.

"It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for, as repression proves to bring out the most perverted impulses of all," Oishi said, a meter-long pointer in hand and thwacking a white board with a badly-drawn stick figure of Sanada in the center. Echizen gave a low grunt from behind his gag, before flicking his eyes to Tezuka, then back to Oishi.

"Tezuka being the exception," Oishi was quick to amend.

Echizen grunted in what appeared to be a mix of amusement and annoyance at the older boy's hasty reply, and Oishi couldn't shake the feeling the freshman wasn't buying it. He felt compelled to defend his best friend's honor, but decided to let the matter drop; if Echizen had been able to talk, Oishi was sure he would be reminding him of the Incident where Fuji and Tezuka had "mistaken" the benches as their bed and the clubhouse as their private room.

"Really, Echizen, we're just trying to make sure you won't be making a bad decision," Oishi explained dejectedly. Echizen had the gall to roll his eyes, but Kawamura nodded as if the argument was perfectly sound. Well, by the way Fuji had explained it, Sanada was a dirty, playboy pervert that had wanted to get his hands on Echizen since before the Nationals, so if they wanted to protect the arrogant rookie from deflowerment and terrible heartbreak, the least they could do is fend off the attentions of one Sanada Genichirou.

"You should just find a nice boyfriend from Seigaku, Echizen," Kawamura added kindly. At least then he could be closely monitored and, if necessary, taken out should he prove to be a threat to Echizen's heart and/or health.

"Mmph bghmph grblk gumph." Echizen responded sulkily.

Momo chirped up from the battlefront. "Yeah! Keep it in the family!" Momo chirped from the battlefront.

Kaidoh scoffed, disgust evident on his features. "That makes it sound like we're in-breeding, you idiot."

Echizen grunted in whole-hearted agreement. Momo bristled, distracted from re-stocking the catapult in order to glare at his rival. Kaidoh glared back, hissing, momentarily forgetting about hitting another Boomerang Snake at the opposing camp. (He'd already managed to smack both Yagyuu and Marui in the head, though both remained defiantly conscious. Bastards.)

"Momoshiro. Kaidoh," Tezuka cut in, sharp eyes zeroing in on the two juniors in admonishment. The two were properly cowed, even with their esteemed captain pitching balloons full of Penal Tea at the Rikkai Dai fort. (That may be why they were so cowed in the first place, actually.) The Seigaku Regulars had been pleasantly surprised by all the items they had found in the clubhouse closet that could serve as weapons for their cause.

Fuji's wondering hum drew their attention to the tensai, and Tezuka spied sapphire eyes before the eyelids once again descended to hide them. "It seems they're going on the offensive," Fuji stated, just before a small, violet sphere was pelted in between the two camps from the Rikkai Dai side, abruptly exploding and engulfing the surrounding area in a violet haze of smoke.

"Where the hell did they get smoke bombs?" Momo cried out in shock, recoiling to avoid a lungful of the substance.

"The probability of the source being Niou is 74 percent, while the probability of it being Yagyuu disguised as Niou is 26 percent," Inui rattled off indifferently, calmly stepping back into the clubhouse. Momo, Kaidoh, and Kikumaru were quick to follow, shutting and locking the door behind them anxiously.

"Should we call for backup?" Taka asked worriedly, eyeing the door out of battle-honed paranoia.

Momo eyed him skeptically. "And how exactly are we going to explain this without sounding like we've gone insane?" Echizen snorted--managing to convey that they already had gone insane and hiding it was a lost cause at this point--but went otherwise ignored by the rest of the Regulars. (Some part of the freshman was miffed at this; weren't they trying to protect him? He knew it--they were just in this for the adrenaline-rush of battle!)

Kikumaru rummaged through the closet, suddenly pulling out a giant, jagged-edged hunting knife with wide eyes. The Regulars froze and stared at the weapon with various expressions.

"That's...That's a little extreme, Eiji-senpai...." Momo pointed out weakly.

Oishi spared a moment to look horrified by what the junior was implying.

"And much too messy to clean up if we carried out with it. There's a 94 percent chance we'd get caught while trying to dispose of the evidence," Inui stated. Momo began to edge away from the data player as Oishi's horror was inspired to new heights. Kikumaru threw it back into the closet with a small squeal, dashing over to Oishi for a brief mutual-comforting session.

"Why is that even in there?" Kaidoh hissed questioningly.

Fuji smiled. "Saa..."

Momo began to edge away from Fuji.

Pounding on the door interrupted their off-track conversation, but before they could go to reinforce the locked article of wood, it came crashing open with one kendo-inspired kick. Sanada calmly strode in, pulling behind him an amused-looking Yukimura as the rest of the Rikkai regulars followed behind hurriedly (Niou and Yanagi dragging the limp body of Jackal behind them), not a few coughing. Kirihara slammed the door closed once again, but the lock had broken at Sanada's rough entrance so they propped Jackal against it to act as a door-stopper.

"Dammit, Niou! You were supposed to throw it inside the clubhouse!" Marui snapped, popping in an extra piece of bubblegum to calm himself down. He decided he was going to spend tonight at Jiroh's, cuddling his narcoleptic boyfriend as he whined about the insanity of the players on the tennis circuit. It just wasn't fair.

Niou looked at Yagyuu with a nod. "You need to work on your aim, Niou-kun," he agreed. Yagyuu stared back at him, silent.

"Eiji, no!"Oishi exclaimed, grabbing the firecracker from his boyfriend's hands before the acrobatic player could light it. He had been aiming it at Sanada--as he was believed to be the source of seductive evil--and pouted when Oishi confiscated the last firework.

"But he's right there, Oishi!"

"You can't do it indoors! You'll set fire to the clubhouse!"

"And Genichirou," Yukimura added serenely.

"Hopefully him," Momo huffed.

Yukimura stared hard at Momo, an unholy light suddenly filling his eyes. The power-player slinked behind his own captain, trying to look like he wasn't using the senior as a defensive barrier. Tezuka remained silent and implacable.

"Is there any reason why you guys were trying to kill us?" Kirihara demanded, the only one that seemed indignant about violence being attempted on his person. Strangely, some of the Seigaku regulars glanced back at the closed closet door guiltily. Fuji just beamed at him.

"Just protecting our freshman," the tensai replied.

Sanada's gaze rested on Echizen, who was now lying down on the benches and, for all intents and purposes, looked to be trying to fall asleep. His eyes narrowed at the sight of what appeared to be jump ropes keeping the freshman bound, and a green bandanna acting as a sort of gag (one of Kaidoh's spares, undoubtedly).

"...Is there a reason Echizen is tied up?" Sanada dared to ask.

Fuji shrugged. "He resisted." the tensai explained complacently. "Echizen is very independent and wouldn't let his senpai-tachi try to help him escape the pervert." There was a strange mix of pride and amusement lacing the explanation, but no one was going to call him on enjoying the situation too much.

"I am not a pervert," Sanada stated blandly.

"Yeah," Marui interjected, stepping up for the defense, "He's the romantic type."

Momo and Kikumaru choked.

Echizen finally decided to open his eyes, as silence had prevailed for the last few minutes, and some part of him hoped the whole lot of them had killed each other.

He was disheartened that everyone was still alive and well, though not really conscious as Jackal was out cold, but blood had not been shed. Sanada was sitting near his feet, looking straight ahead as if the lockers were the most fascinating thing he had ever seen. Sitting on his other side was Kaidoh, and at Echizen's head sat Momo; both were clearly acting as Echizen's bodyguards, though they were doing a poor job--they were too busy glaring at each other to notice Sanada turn his intense gaze to the freshman still bound and sprawled across the bench.

Turning his attention elsewhere, Echizen saw Tezuka, Yukimura, and Fuji near the corner, discussing in whispers about God-knows-what. More than likely, Fuji and Yukimura were enjoying their own sadism and Tezuka was acting as a barrier between the pair of sadists and the rest of the questionably-sane boys inside the clubhouse. Marui was next to the unconscious Jackal on the floor, devouring a chocolate bar absently.

Inui and Yanagi were having their own whispered conversation (What was with all the secrecy? Echizen wondered,) but there were too many numbers that eavesdroppers were discouraged from listening in. Kikumaru and Oishi were watching in vague amusement as Niou argued with Kirihara about who Kirihara was addressing ("Stop messing with my head, Niou-senpai!" "I told you, Kirihara-kun, I'm Yagyuu." "No you're not!" "Kirihara-kun..." "You're not! Mura-buchou!"), and Taka and the real Yagyuu were sitting next to each other just basking in the nonviolence.

Echizen looked back at Sanada. As someone who was supposed to be crushing on him, shouldn't the senior have freed him from the rope? How is he romantic? Echizen thought spitefully, pulling himself up into a sitting position and interrupting Kaidoh's and Momo's glaring contest.

"Mmph drkl ghk dook?" Echizen posed to the room out loud. Everyone turned to look at him questioningly, but when no one made any attempt to answer his muffled question or, more usefully, un-gag him, he glared at them all heatedly.

He forced himself to ignore Sanada's blush.

Kaidoh came to his senses first, reaching around the Rikkai Dai regular and untying his spare bandanna from the freshman. Echizen breathed through his mouth, relishing his verbal freedom and ignoring Sanada--who had refocused his attention to the freshman's lips.

"Why are we all inside the clubhouse?" Echizen asked again, flexing his fingers for a bit more circulation. Where had Oishi-senpai learned to tie army knots?

"All of Niou's smoke bombs went off," Sanada replied, and a moment of silence ensued as Echizen waited for more of an elaboration. When none came from the capped senior (who went red at Echizen's unblinking stare), Oishi stepped up. "Smoke inhalation is damaging to the lungs, so we're waiting for it to clear away."

"It should completely disperse--"

"--in seven minutes and 35 seconds is what you were about to say, ne, Sadaharu?" Yanagi interrupted smoothly. Inui adjusted his glasses in an agitated fashion. "I was actually going to say seven minutes and 46 seconds, Yanagi."

"I believe you've got the calculations wrong."

"But the theory of--"

Echizen promptly deigned to ignore them. Turning back to Sanada, he gazed up and tried to make eye contact. Why on Earth was Sanada being shy now? Didn't he just brave a full-out attack for him?

"Can you untie me?"

"...No. They said you'd try to escape." Sanada motioned to Echizen's (traitorous) teammates.

Echizen glared up at Sanada. Obviously he would try to escape. Why would he stay in close quarters with a bunch of psychopaths?

"We've decided!" Fuji suddenly called out cheerfully, drawing the room's attention to the trio. Yukimura and Tezuka stood on either side of the smiling tensai, with Kirihara taking the moment to cling to his Buchou's arm. Echizen was reluctant--because he would never admit he actually felt terrified--to listen, but he knew he was better off knowing their plans than being left in the dark.

"Sanada can date Echizen," Fuji stated, smiling in a way as if the concerned parties should be thanking him for his generosity. Echizen glowered at nothing in particular, his face heating up--he knew he should have tuned them out. Some things were just better left unknown, and whatever came out of the sadist's mouth should always be dealt with that in mind.

"Unyaa? But Fujiko-chan, you said Sanada was a pervert!" Kikumaru exclaimed, Oishi's quiet admonishments of "Eiji! Use some tact!" going ignored.

Sanada frowned at the Golden Pair. "I am not a pervert," he defended himself in monotone.

"Then why don't you untie me?" Echizen butted in snarkily.

"However," Fuji continued, steamrolling right over them. "Sanada will have rules to follow so that Echizen can feel safe and secure in their blossoming relationship."

"Our blossoming what?" Echizen echoed, a spark of dread igniting in his eyes.

"Your blossoming romance, Echizen," Fuji answered calmly. Echizen glared at him with the force of a thousand blazing suns.

Fuji turned his attention to the senior at the freshman's side. "Now, first off, Echizen is supposed to stay out no longer than ten on weeknights and midnight on the weekends. These curfews are to be kept for the first three months." Fuji started listing cleanly, as Inui started scribbling down in his notebook with a low mutter of "Ii data."

"After all, there's no need to rush love, Genichirou," Yukimura supplied warmly.

Sanada nodded in understanding as Echizen squawked in indignation. "What the hell? You're not my mother!" No need to say 'parents'. He would never listen to his father, after all. "Why are you giving me a curfew?"

"To allow you enough time to get intimate but at the same time remain a pure flower," Fuji answered easily.

"You've been reading too many bad romance novels, Fuji-senpai," Echizen said dryly. His masculine pride would not stand being compared to a "pure flower." He wasn't some delicate piece of flora! He was a man, and if any element of greenery were to be used in an analogy with him, it would be a Venus Fly Trap! Or something else that attempted to eat small children in movies, because he was a man.

Fuji just smiled at him, before once again turning back to Sanada. "Secondly, all calls and dates are to be reserved for after club practice, at the request of our two captains."

Tezuka nodded. "Yudan sezu ni ikou."

Echizen glared at him too. Maybe he should just transfer out of Seigaku and become the Crux of Shitenhouji or something.

Fuji continued on admirably. "Third, intimate touching is to be kept above the waist for the first three months, and you may only go further afterwards if Echizen gives you a positive response."

"A positive response?" Sanada questioned.

Echizen felt his heart sink when he noticed the other had out a notebook and a pen. "Why are you writing this down?" the freshman demanded, forcefully keeping his tone calm when he actually felt like screaming.

"He's just being a good, dutiful boyfriend, Echizen," Momo said, looking at the younger boy critically. "You should be writing this down too, you should."

Echizen scowled. Momo blinked in sudden understanding. "Oh yeah, you're still tied up..."

"Obviously, you idiot," Kaidoh spoke up, voicing Ryoma's thoughts perfectly.

As Oishi intervened and began to mediate the quickly-degenerating insult session, Fuji took the time to answer Sanada's inquiry. "A moan, perhaps, or one of those lusty, heated gazes. Whatever you deem as encouragement," the tensai said matter-of-factly. Sanada's face was growing red as his imagination went wild, but he dutifully kept writing down the Echizen Courtship Rules.

"Do we need such vivid details?" Marui whined from the floor. Yukimura gave his Regular one of those sad, soulful looks that had the effect of reducing anyone to a pitiful puddle of goo intent on repenting their horrible mistakes for the rest of their natural lives. (As it was, Marui just flinched and looked down at the tiled floor in unadulterated shame.)

"Bunta, you should be supporting Genichirou," the blue-haired captain chastised gently.

"I'm sorry, Buchou," Marui murmured, before looking up at Sanada with a small, encouraging grin. "I'm rooting for you, fukubuchou! Make sure to pull those lusty moans out of him!"

Echizen realized he should probably start vocalizing his actual protest, because at this point it looked as if everyone was visualizing him making "lusty moans with a heated gaze." He had tennis practice with some of these people; he didn't need them fantasizing about his (nonexistent) love life!

"Fourth, consummation of your love is to be, at the minimum, six months from the start of the relationship. It is preferred to be on a holiday or special occasion, for romantic reasons," Fuji spoke again.

Sanada frowned. "Consummation?"

"He means sexual intercourse, Genichirou," Yukimura explained.

Sanada nodded, the light of understanding dawning in his eyes. "I will have to brush up on the mechanics of anal sex," he said, mostly to himself but it was still out loud. Echizen blushed hotly, shocked into silence even as he knew he should probably start voicing his objections before things really got out of hand (like his senpai making decisions for his love life wasn't already the pinnacle of "out of hand").

"You should do it on White Day!" Kikumaru giggled impishly.

Momo shook his head, dismissing the idea as if it were his decision. "No way. Do it on Christmas Eve; it's Echizen's birthday and sort of a holiday!"

Inui garbled out something about the romantic ratio being especially high that day, and Echizen knew Sanada was making a note out of the advice in his notebook. He purposely tilted sideways, knocking into the older male's shoulder and startling a black line across Sanada's notes.

"Save the cuddling until after the lesson, Echizen," Fuji reprimanded with a smile, as Momo pulled the freshman back into his original position. Everyone gave the scarlet-faced vice captain a congratulatory smile. Echizen scowled, sulking that his minor revenge plan had backfired.

"Now, Sanada," Fuji addressed, eyes slowly opening to pin the vice captain of Rikkai Dai with a stare that promised utter Hell, "If any of these rules are broken, or you hurt Echizen in any way, you will not like the consequences." The tone in which the last word was delivered conjured up images of sharp, pain-inspiring objects and blood. Sanada-esque blood. Fuji pinned Sanada with his stare for a few more seconds before once again closing his eyes, an innocent smile turning his lips as he chirped a cheerful "Understand?"

Sanada stood up straight, then bowed deeply. "Understood. Thank you for allowing me this opportunity."

"Don't I get any say in this at all?" Echizen muttered, still sulking.

Sanada immediately turned to the younger boy, giving him a small nod. "Where would you like to go for our first date, Echizen?"

"That wasn't what I meant," Echizen deadpanned.

Scanning the contents of his notebook, Inui spoke up. "Echizen is free this Sunday between the times of ten and midnight," the data player of Seigaku commented aloud. "I recommend taking him out for a light breakfast, followed by some friendly tennis matches, then some late lunch and possibly a visit to the arcade. A dinner and movie should follow after that, in any order, and then you should walk him home an hour early so you have time to deposit your first kiss on him," Inui suggested with the same immaculate detail only lengthy study on the two subjects involved could incur.

"I can walk home by myself," Echizen snapped out, his mind having focused on that particular detail either because everything before that point actually sounded fun, or his embarrassment was so overwhelming that that particular fragment was the only one capable of being processed.

"You should bring him flowers and a teddy bear!" Kikumaru was only too eager to suggest.

Momo snorted. "This is Echizen, Eiji-senpai. Sanada-san is better off just bringing him a case of ponta."

"He doesn't have to bring me anything," Echizen cut in icily. "Because I'm not going."

Fuji frowned, but his eyes remained closed. "Of course you're going, Echizen. How else can you further the relationship if you don't go out on dates with your boyfriend?" the tensai asked innocently. Echizen glared at him defiantly, too smart and much too jaded in regards to his senpai's personality to buy the act.

"He's not my boyfriend, and I'm not going on a date with him."

Sanada looked perplexed. "But your senpai approve," He pointed out, as if that would magically change the freshman's mind.

"Fuji-senpai also approves of Inui Juice," Echizen countered. "You're not working on very good credibility here."

Fuji pouted. "You're making your mother very upset, Ryo-kun."

Echizen stared at him, not quite sure which part he should take more offense with in that one sentence alone--Fuji's apparent belief in being his mother or that god-awful nickname.

"Don't be so shy, Echizen!" Momo crowed good-naturedly. "Sanada-san here is a good man. He looks very capable, and I'm sure he'll be able to provide a good home and life for you and your future children!"

"Momo-senpai, did anything you just said make sense to you?" Echizen mused. Momo paused to think about his former statement, and after several passing moments, just stared at Echizen with a slightly-puzzled look. Finally, the junior turned to Oishi and Kikumaru. "What was wrong with what I said?" he asked in confusion. The Golden Pair shrugged at him--they didn't know either. Everything Momo had said sounded true.

If Ryoma's hands weren't tied down, he would have smacked himself in the forehead. Or smack Momo and try to make a break for it. Whichever.

"I'll make you very happy, Echizen-kun." Sanada wasn't helping.

Yukimura stepped up to the metaphorical plate. "It sounds as if Echizen-kun has some long-lost trauma with romantic relationships." the captain proposed gently. "Did a former lover hurt you, Echizen?"

"I'm fifteen," Echizen stated dryly; this seemed to be a fact most of them were forgetting. "I've never had a lover."

Yukimura nodded with a psychologist's hum. "You may need to date a few others, in order to compare an undoubtedly loving relationship with Genichirou to a few unfavorable ones."

Echizen's eyes widened in panic. "That doesn't even make sense!"

"Of course it does, Echizen," Fuji deterred. "After a few bad-to-horrible relationships, you'll learn to appreciate Sanada's sincere sweetness and enamored affection."

What the hell? Weren't they just trying to protect his "chastity" moments before?

"Oishi-senpai, I'm going to lose my innocence if you let this continue," Echizen tried, at this point grasping at straws.

Oishi frowned in concern, before his eyes sparked with an almost Spartan determination. "I trust Sanada to take very good care of you, Echizen. He's very responsible," the vice captain said. "As long as you choose him, it will all turn out fine." Echizen looked very displeased with this outcome, especially as the other boy started erasing the stick figure-Sanada on the whiteboard.

"I'd be glad to be your first boyfriend, Echizen-kun," Yukimura joined. He turned to Fuji with a soft smile, ignoring Kirihara's hurt and shocked expression. "Do you want him second?" Fuji nodded, eyes opening to drill creepily into Echizen's, before he closed them.

Echizen froze, stared around at the complacent --or comatose, in Jackal's case-- faces of the others, before glaring back at the smiling pair. "I know what you're trying to do," the freshman ground out.

Their smiles brightened, if that was possible.

Echizen knew the duo was just trying to back him into a corner in order to frighten him into Sanada's arms, but the thing was, even knowing wasn't enough. Yukimura and Fuji were actually crazy--or evil, or both--enough to carry out with what they promised. Tezuka and Kirihara seemed to know this as well, as they were glaring not-too-kindly at the freshman. Inwardly, Echizen scoffed; it would serve the two right for not helping him out. The freshman didn't have a death-wish, though, so he just scowled at the floor.

"I'll go on a date with him," Echizen tilted his head in Sanada's direction, clearly picking the lesser of two evils (or in this case, three).

Yukimura clapped his hands together, smile brighter than the sun. "Isn't that wonderful, Genichirou?"

Sanada's face betrayed no emotion, but his eyes were slightly glazed in joy. He nodded, pleased.

"Oh, so we can go?" Marui asked, startled alert from where he had been on the verge of dozing. It appeared Jiroh had rubbed off somewhat on his sugar-addicted boyfriend.

"Wha's go'n 'n?" Jackal slurred, sickly.

Echizen growled. "Can I be untied now?"

As Momo and Kaidoh worked on releasing the younger boy from his bondage, Fuji grabbed Tezuka's hand with a sunny smile. "We should go buy a chastity belt, Tezuka, just to make sure our baby isn't tempted by his dashing prince." To Echizen's horror, Tezuka nodded.

"What?"

"I will pick you up at ten this Sunday, Echizen," Sanada said, turning to leave.

"You should call him 'Ryoma', Sanada-san! Builds a closer bond," Momo informed the senior happily.

Ryoma glared at his, as of now, ex-best friend. "Don't take liberties with my name!" Never mind the fact that he had been raised in the States and people calling him by his first name was as normal as breathing for him.

Sanada nodded at the junior, turning back to Echizen. "I will bring you ponta for our first date, Ryoma-kun."

Ryoma, freed from his restraints, put his head in his hands and sighed, telling himself it was not okay to cry.

END.

A/N: I didn't do an omake/epilogue, mostly because I'm thinking about doing a sequel of sorts. I'm not sure yet, though; I haven't decided if I like Sanada and Rikkaidai as a whole enough yet to put them under the same abuse I seem to favor Seigaku with. XD

Review please. Do you like it, hate it, think there should have been a dash of Hyoutei somewhere in it? :) Speak your mind! Critiques welcome. (I'll need them, as this was my first try at Rikkai, and I'm not sure I pegged their characters as well as I would have liked.)