Hi! A new story! A Bleach Story! I know I still have 'The Most Sacred', but this is a different pairing and surprisingly, there aren't very many stories of this pairing. I'll be trying to make it funny. Okay? Okay.

Warnings: out of character Espada and Fraccion…for a few…yaoi, randomness, 1 person POV, and bad humor. Also sexual innuendos.

Summary: While wandering good old Hueco Mundo, he noticed some tiny thing following him no matter where he went. He decided to ignore it, but it continued following him. "What's your goddamn issue with me, brat?!"

Disclaimer: do not own Bleach, only the random characters that I will b bringing in and u should know who they are if u r a true Bleach fan and know all the characters and should be able to tell the difference between real characters and characters I made up for this story.

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Okay, for everyone tuning in, I will take precious fucking time out of my precious fucking day to explain some things to you before I start ranting on and on about what the hell kind of shit I had to endure and deal with a bitch that did not help me in any fucking way. Not in any fucking Aizen-damn way!

So here it is: Winter War happened. Aizen the New 'Gawd' –enter fake (or real) gag here- won the war and now rules over Hueco Mundo, Soul Society (don't know why he bothered), and the Living World. He did not destroy that annoying Shinigami's home town (I often asked Gawd if I could…he always said no) and everyone is happy and peaceful.

Yeah. Fucking. Right.

For those of you who thinking that 'happy' and 'peaceful' are okay, let me tell you something. I am an Arrancar. I am an Espada. I'm one of the more violent ones. Even the fucking Emo-car (Ulquiorra if you don't know who I'm talking about) can't stand all this! Yes, he does get bored. And when the Cuatro is bored, we all run and hide. Even Barragan. Hell, even Tousen and Aizen run away! Gin just stays put and smiles that creepy smile because he's just that stu-upid. Yes, I did just make 'stupid' two syllables. Got a problem with that?! Wanna fight?!

See, this is what I mean. We're Arrancar. We came from Hollows that got our masks ripped off, gained more power, and have these crazy as hell swords that don't fully turn us back into our full original selves but get pretty damn close. We're natural fighters. If we don't fight, we get bored and hope Aizen's tea will liquefy more than just our kidneys. I mean, seriously. That shit is nasty! I felt my stomach melting because of that shit! And Cuatro always sits and doesn't touch his tea, knowing it will ruin him!

You know, Aizen actually asked him why he doesn't touch his tea and all that little bitch said was "I have a hole in my neck, Aizen-sama. I cannot eat nor drink." Would explain why the hell he's so fucking skinny. But I find the hole in the neck stopping him from eating and drinking bullshit since I do catch him drinking and eating. He covers the hole with his jacket. That's all he does. And get this and try to figure it out because it's creeping me out. The damn jacket stays fucking white.

Anyway, yeah. Arrancars get bored when we do not fight. And with the Shitty-gami staying in Soul Society and us staying in Hueco Mundo and both parties going to the Living World while avoiding each other…you should get it now. No war. No fighting. No battles. Only sitting down and getting drunk and wondering what the hell we're suppose to do for the rest of the day before we go to sleep for no freaking reason.

Okay, so now that we have all that established, you must sit there and try and figure out why all this crazy shit happens to me.

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Hueco Mundo, the Eternal Desert. Look, a Hollow! Slice, dice, and it's gone. Damn. Stupid, weak, worthless with life Hollows. I get no fun out here. But it's better than Los Nachos- I mean Noches. No, I am not hungry nor am I in denial. What? I'm not. Do you have a problem with me?! Because I will seriously kick your ass if you accuse me of ever lying!

Anyway, this is where the crazy shit starts. I get attacked by about…let me see for a minute…twenty Hollows, five Gillians, and three Adjuchas. That took me ten minutes to cut through and without releasing Santa Teresa. Now there are stains in my clothes, but I don't care, and stains in the sand. Do I care? No, I do not. They're all dead. They're all gone. Do I care? No.

But see, here the thing. There's this little…thing…looking up at me with big kinda brown eyes. His right eye is covered by his black hair that goes to his shoulders, but the exposed eye is watching me. It is fucking watching me. This thing is watching my every move. Do I care?

… I'll give you a minute to figure that question out. …

… …

… …

Yes! I fucking care!

I scoffed and started to walk off. Then I heard little crunches of feet on sand behind me. I stop and look over my shoulder and the thing was there behind me. I kept on going and it kept on following me. I turned left, it turned left. I turned right, it turned right. I stopped and it stopped. I think you get the point. I turned and looked at it and it just looked right back up at me. Must be hurting its neck since I'm so fucking tall and this thing just barely reaches my knees. It is that small.

It stared at me. I slid to the left and the eye followed me. I went right again, the eye followed me again. "What?" I growled at it. Then it smiled. It smiled a smile way too damn bright for any Arrancar…except maybe the fruitcake. He seems to handle bright stuff pretty well. It took me a minute to realize this thing wasn't going to do anything but smile at me. Then it pointed it me. Don't know why, but it did.

"Yeah, whatever," I muttered, then decided I wanna go back to Los Nachos – I mean Noches. I walked right by the thing and all it does is turn and follow me again. Try as I may to ignore it, I eventually got annoyed. More like I got really, really, really, really, really, REALLY annoyed when I reached the doors to Las Nachos (I'm never going back to Noches. Oh well. Nachos sounds better and more like a tourist attraction.) and the thing was still following me.

"What's your goddamn issue with me, brat?!" I yelled at it.

Then it did the unimaginable.

It went wide-eyed then stuck out its bottom lip that started to quiver. Its eyes started to water as it looked up at me pitifully. I just wanted to smack that look off its face. I really and truly did. But somehow, I couldn't. Don't know why, I just couldn't. Water started going down its face as its eyes continued to grow and its lip continued to quiver.

Now this is bad. Anyone could come out here and wonder what the hell I, the Quinta Espada, am doing with a pouting and crying thing. So I did the next best thing besides throwing it as far as I could since it would probably come right on back. I grabbed it by the back of its little white shirt and carried it inside. It stopped pouting and crying at least, but how am I gonna get rid of it.

Thank Gawd no one was in my way on my way to my room. I opened the door and threw the thing in. It looked at me with wide eyes before smiling brightly again. It lit up the whole damn room. "Tesla!" I yelled as loud as I could. I think even Gawd and his boyfriend heard it at the other side of Los Nachos.

"Yes, Nnoitra-sama?" he replied, coming through the door that connected his room to mine. Hey, it's easier to just barge in there when it's five feet away. And it gets him here faster.

"Figure out how to get rid of that damn thing," I ordered, pointing at the tiny creature that looked over to Tesla before running to him and wrapped its arms around his legs. Tesla looked down at it before he smiled. I didn't say 'Smile at it'. I said 'Get rid of it'. And I know how to tell his smiles apart when he actually does smile. That is his 'You're to die for and I won't hurt you' smile. I don't like that smile. It means he's getting attached. Give me my Fraccion back, you Aizen-damn brat!!

"Nnoitra-sama, this is not a 'thing'," Tesla told me, picking it up and holding it on his waist.

"I didn't say 'talk back'," I growled at him. "I said 'Get rid of it'!"

"My apologies, Nnoitra-sama," he said with a bow of his head. Can't bow properly with that thing, can you? "But I was merely saying that this is a child, not a 'thing'."

Does he think I'm stupid? Do I look like that creepy guy, Gin? "I don't care what it is!" I snapped at him. "That damn thing has been following me and I want it gone!"

He blinked at me before looking down at it. Tesla never ignores my orders like this. NEVER. So why now? Because of this thing? Shit! He's attached! See, this is why I never gave him anything he could get attached to but me. If he gets attached to something but me, he will disobey.

"May I keep him?" he asked me.

I groaned. That dreaded question and I can't say anything about it once he's truly attached. He must obey my orders, true. But if he doesn't get his way, he can kick Halibel's ass. Probably Stark too, but he would just lay there and take it. I have seen him do that with his own Fraccion. I know better. I know much better. "Just keep the damn thing from me," I told him. He smiled at me and turning and walking back into his room. Or he tried to at least.

The thing started to whimper and whine until Tesla put it down. Then it grabbed his hand before pulling him over to me. Now I'm confused and Tesla's confused. The kid got a frustrated look on his face that reminded me of someone. It pointed at me then Tesla looked up.

"I believe he's mute," Tesla stated.

"Don't care," I told him before dropping onto my bed. The kid pouted again and pulled Tesla over to me again and climbed onto my bed. I shoved him off.

"Nnoitra-sama!" Tesla scolded me. I scoffed.

The thing climbed back onto my bed and I shoved him off again. Tesla scolded me again, only this time hitting my hand. I stared at him with a wide eye. He never had the balls to hit me, except in a spar, but even then he was always hesitant. He's more attached than I thought. It climbed back on but I didn't shove it this time. Then it grabbed Tesla's hand and pulled him over to the bed and made him sit. It pointed at me then at Tesla.

Then something I wished wouldn't happen did.

Gin came into my room.

Gin saw the thing between us.

…

Shit.

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I don't think there was much humor in there, but there will b next chapter. Sorry, but I'm not very good at the whole humor thing. Seriously, I find something funny and then someone else doesn't find it funny. Anyway, plz review and I will update as soon as I possibly can. Okay? Okay.

And in case anyone has noticed, yes I read Espada's Guide to Parenting and this is probably kind of similar but not so much.