October...

Dear Diary,

Okay this is weird but here we go - its me Bella and I am 17. I have been seventeen awhile... well exactly 11 months and 30 days... tomorrow is my 18th birthday and I am so pissed off that I am still a virgin I would almost go straight into school tomorrow and proposition that Newton asshole just to get it over with already.

The idea of purity in retaining your virginity is the so dumb. I hate people who see it as some holy grail. What is purer than instinct, and sex is instinct, right?

I've seen movies and I want to live them. I want someones body pressed against mine, touching me, holding me, keeping me warm. Something to liven up the boring freeze-your-ass-right-off days approaching with winter in Forks.

God damn Forks, what a pain in my ass. I moved down here a couple years ago, after my mom (who had me around my age) met a truly nice man and deserved a bit of carefree happiness. So I came down here to get to know my own real father and see what he was all about. Turns out he is not so bad. I can't really see him and my mom ever being together but maybe they just did it the once.

My dad is Charlie, and he is the chief of police here in Forks. That just makes my ability to get a boyfriend or even a one nighter even more difficult since most of the guys my age would rather be celibate for life than piss off Chief Swan.

I need an out-of-towner.

I've tried going solo. Its not for me. Its lonely lying in bed touching myself, and it only makes me want to be with a man even more.

I really need to lose my virginity this year once and for all. To the next guy who even looks twice at me. He can have it.

The size of this town is going against me. You could throw a stone from one end of main street to the other. The population is crazy low. 3124 people and are over 50, and a quarter of them are under 10... the other quarter are either married or illegal and so I am left with, and I have counted, a grand total of single 150 guys within my age range. Being a small town, half of them are already paired up, and with 1 in 3 men being gay... it is a shit position.

I don't want to do it for the first time with just anyone. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not hoping for love, just someone with a bit of sex appeal would be nice. Maybe tall and broad. Someone who knows what they are doing too. No fumbling, no whimpers or, god fucking forbid, tears. Give me wham, bam, thank you Bella.

I really really want it.

If something, or someone, doesn't turn up soon I'll just have to leave town after graduation. I don't see that I'll get to go to college yet, my grades are average and my parents are broke. I'll just have to go back to live with mom and hopefully get out a bit more. We'll see…

Hopefully for my birthday I'll get what I really want.