DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own Vampire Knight or any of its characters.

A / N:

Hello, lovely readers! It's been an incredibly long while, and I hope that you can forgive me for that.

In this time of uncertainty, unrest, and distress, I hope that all of you are doing your best to remain healthy. Please remember to take care of yourselves and your families. I honestly hope that everyone is doing alright.

Since most bit cities have practically been shut down and we've all been recommended to basically quarantine ourselves... I've finally had the chance to do some writing, and I was surprisingly motivated to crank out this chapter. So I hope that this is a little something for you guys that might make your days a little better, at the very least.

To be honest, I unfortunately haven't been able to write creatively in a very long time. I feel as though I've gotten undeniably rusty, especially since it's been so long since I've started this. It's always hard to jump back in, but I hope you can bear with me. Despite everything I hope you're able to enjoy this latest update! Thank you so veyr much for waiting faithfully for it.

Read on, m'loves, read on.

Shitsuren.

A Vampire Knight fanfiction.

_"Broken Heart"_

CHAPTER T_H_I_R_T_Y_T_H_R_E_E;

"Before You Go"

DAY FIFTY-FOUR - FIFTY-EIGHT

"What are you doing up here?" was the scowling chide.

My face mirrored that tone, and I almost growled. "Are you seriously going to babysit me?"

"If you know that already, can you make my job easier?"

My eyebrow twitched. "Listen—"

"I don't want to do it either," Zero interrupted flatly. "The Chairman insisted."

"It's always Kaien," I hissed under my breath, eyes narrowing as they dropped from the shrouded moon over to the silver-haired hunter. I eyed him, dressed in casual wear, coat thrown over his figure, hands in his pockets. The soft, chilly breeze swept around us, playing with our hair. He didn't even tremble. "I'm fine, Zero. Seriously. Just leave me alone."

His lavender eyes glowed in the dark, glinting just like his hair when the moonlight hit them. A silently burning force. I wondered, briefly, why Yuuki couldn't see it. See him. How many years had they been together?

… How many years did they still have together?

"What?" he asked.

"What?" I repeated, confused.

"... You're looking at me strangely," he almost accused.

"... It's nothing," I mumbled, turning back to face the expanse of the town that spread out before us. It had been two days since the attack, but nothing else had occurred since then. Kaien had insisted that we moved for our safety, but all three of us had objected. His personal home was easy to guard, and there was no use running from the Vampire Council, and we all knew it. No matter where we went, they would find us. At the very least, this place was familiar and known to us. If we were going to fight, it might as well be here, if it had to be anywhere.

Except those were all half-lies.

Because they weren't after us, they were after me.

And if that was the case, the fights would be anywhere but here.

His gaze pierced through me like spears. "What are you thinking of, Riku?"

A long, deep intake of breath. My words came out in a swirl of white mist. "... It's already the new year. I slept through it."

"You should be happy you lived to see another year," was the snippy retort. He still wasn't quite over it, clearly. It almost made me roll my eyes. Since when was Zero such a baby?

"Yeah, yeah," I waved off dismissively. I didn't say anything else, because I didn't know what else to say. My hands clenched around the blanket I'd wrapped around me, tightening it around myself. I had lived to see another year, but what did it matter when your life was an hourglass anyways?

I had lived to die another day.

Sometimes, I wondered if it would've been easier if I had just faded away during that time. If I had, I wouldn't be here now, caught between a living nightmare and a dead reality. I had spent the past two days thinking, pondering, musing—preparing. I was preparing, because since that attack, I'd known.

I'd known, and it killed me inside, more than ever, to know it.

This was my problem.

It was always that I knew, but that it hadn't changed anything.

I was always making mistakes.

"You're thinking too hard." He drew me back to the present, a suspicious note entering his voice. If anything, Zero was a sharp baby. I had to give him that.

"It's going to be a full moon soon," I observed.

He made a noncommittal sound in the back of his throat.

I took a jab at him, just because I could. "Are you this unsocial with Yuuki as well?"

This earned me a harsh glare. "Have you always been this mouthy?"

"Have you always been this docile?" I shot back.

"Docile?" he repeated, incredulous.

The amount of disbelief was enough to make me backtrack. "OK, well, maybe not docile. After all, Yuuki's as dense as a boulder. She probably wouldn't recognize your feelings even if you tattooed them to your forehead. Which you kinda have." I almost snorted here.

"If you're trying to bait me into leaving—"

"Is it working?" I deadpanned.

"No," he ground out through his teeth, the lie clear. Everything about him suggested he wanted to turn around and leave, but if there was anything about Zero that nobody would ever deny or take away from him, it was his overwhelming sense of duty. Like some kind of old school knight, he believed in that code, followed it to the T. It was as though he breathed it, as though it was what crafted his bones and gave life to his soul.

He was a rare kind.

One that I hated in moments like this.

I hummed thoughtfully, wondering if I should continue with the Yuuki topic. It was indeed a great way to get him riled up, but if he wasn't going to leave, then he just wasn't going to leave. And if I had to be stuck with this guy, I'd rather he not be a huge pain my ass. Zero, when he was bristling and prickly like a hedgehog, was indeed a huge pain in my ass.

So I stayed silent.

For a while, all that could be heard was the ghost of our breathing and the sounds of the night. Wind, tree branches, creaks of wood from houses that were still alive with human light. This was a beautiful town, in a beautiful land. It was beautiful in its ignorance, in its carefree nature. It was cozy, warm, full of people who knew people who knew people who knew their husbands or wives or sons or daughters. It was a town of connectedness.

It was a place where I didn't belong.

A soft exhale, deeper slightly than the rest. Zero finally hunkered down next to me.

"... Hey."

"What?" he glanced at me from the corner of his eyes.

I didn't return his gaze. Instead, I continued to scan through the town, this town of harmony. "You didn't grow up here, right?"

He narrowed his eyes, as if wondering what the hell I was talking about or where I was going. It was a suspicious look, but I didn't blame him. After all, I'd basically spent our entire interaction tonight trying to make him eat shit. Eventually, he said carefully, "... No."

"Do you think you can live around here all your life?" was my quiet question.

He was silent for a moment, thinking. His eyes left me to scour the rise and falls of chimneys, the sprinkle of stars in the midnight sky. "... No."

"... It's quiet here."

Lilac eyes were hard. "That's the problem."

"So you're telling me," I began slowly, "that you're always going to be on the move?"

A small, slight shrug, and the same shake of the head. "I'll go where I have to."

I blinked, and asked him something that we both knew the answer to already. "... Even if it means leaving Yuuki behind?"

An inhale, sharper than usual. His voice was tight, flat. "There's nothing to leave behind."

There was nothing I could say to that. Some people would say that he was being harsh—after all, Yuuki was nonetheless his childhood friend. Even if they wouldn't be together romantically, saying that they had nothing was erasing the fact that they shared a history together. It was ignoring their past, their bond. The kind of friendship that they had—the depth of understanding, the sincerity of their feelings, the growth that they experienced—it was a beautiful one, an enviable one.

But it was something she'd be willing to sacrifice, and so that left him with nothing.

It made my heart ache, made it ache in ways that I didn't think it could.

I squeezed the words out, so soft and full of sincerity that they were just ghosts. "... One day, Zero… I hope you find someone. Someone worthy of you."

The half-chuckle that left him was bitter, sardonic. Whether he was laughing at the idea, or laughing at the thought that Yuuki wasn't, was ambiguous. I could never fully pinpoint how he felt about this sensitive topic. Maybe it was because I'd never felt anything like it. Not until recently. "What's with you today?"

"... I'm starting to pity you, that's why," was my attempt to get back to our usual biting banter. Sentiments and emotions were not things we dealt with well.

He scoffed a little, disbelieving. He waited a few heartbeats before he asked, "... What about you?"

"What about me?" I muttered.

"Would you live here?" he asked.

I looked over at him now. "What kind of dumb question is that?"

His expression morphed into a scowl. "Forget it."

I shook my head, rolling my eyes as I turned back to face our unchanging view. "... I don't live anywhere."

"You could," he returned.

"OK, we've been through this conversation like eight thousand times. Can we just end it here before we start talking in damn circles again?"

"You have more to lose now."

"All the more reason."

"What kind of twisted logic is that?"

"What did I just say? We're talking in damn circles. The conversation's over. Drop it."

"... Stubborn," was his near-silent jab.

"Right back at ya, prick," was my loving answer.

I didn't know how long we stayed silent, staring at nothing particular, lost in our own thoughts. It was a comfortable silence, one that we'd grown used to with one another. I wondered sometimes what went on in his head during moments like this—what did he contemplate, what did see? More often than not, I wanted the ability to open up someone's mind and peer inside, just to see what it was like. I wondered how that was like. I'd heard that vampires, upon feeding, would sometimes get that experience. They would sometimes get swept into blood memories, would sometimes be able to glimpse into that person's heart, feel their soul. It was supposed to be, for lovers, a very intimate experience that only deepened their bond further. For others… a very, very scarring one. It was said that those who were bitten for feeding against their will often changed, and became more cold—it was said that they often developed a fear of it, even from their beloved.

I wondered what he'd seen, when he'd bitten Yuuki.

I wondered how she was the exception to the norm, as she always was.

I wondered… if it were me—

"You're going to get sick," Zero observed, mistaking the reason for my shiver.

"I'm fine."

He snorted, and then grabbed at my blanketed arm. "Let's go. If you get sick, I'm going to be the one he tries to murder, and I've got enough to deal with."

I didn't have to ask him who he was. He'd probably been lying awake in his bed, listening to our entire conversation, his mind churning. Like the idiot he was. But the thought of him getting worried about me, getting angry over me—my traitorous heart beat harder, my unfaithful blood singing as it warmed my entire being.

Silently, I let my childhood friend pull me up, and trailed after him as he headed to the back balcony, where we'd climbed up onto the roof from.

Before I descended, I took one last look over my shoulder, my eyes tracing the back alleys of the town, the wide expanse of land from this town to the next, the woods that whispered my name.

I stared at the box of fresh desserts on the kitchen table as if they were ticking bombs about to explode. "... What's the occasion?"

Shiki blinked at me, his head tilting just slightly. He was eating a gigantic macaron that was elaborately decorated. I hadn't even known macarons that big were in existence. "Ichijou-san delivered them while you were out. He was incredibly upset that he didn't catch you."

I raised my eyebrows at him. "Since when was he so free that he could travel all the way here for something like this?"

"He always seems to find a way," Shiki answered simply. He pushed the box towards me. "Help yourself."

"No thank you," I declined, eyeing it warily still.

"Keep me company, Sasaki?" was the request when he saw me turning to go.

"... No thank you," I repeated, trying to keep my voice neutral.

A soft sigh. "Sasaki…"

"How can I help you?" I wondered if feigning polite ignorance would be enough to get me off the hook.

His voice was quiet, accusing, saddened. "When will you stop avoiding me?"

"Me? What? No. I'm not," I denied with so much vigour that it was almost convincing. The maroon-haired model stared at me with such a pointed deadpanned look that I caved. "OK. Fine. I am. Happy now?"

He shook his head.

I didn't know what to say, so I remained silent, my eyes downcast, my body tensed. I'd been avoiding him since the attack, four days ago. I'd purposefully make excuses to escape seeing or being around him for long—errands, walks, naps, late starts, early nights, recon missions, lookout shifts, anything and everything. After that night, that one night in which nothing but everything happened… I just didn't know how to face him anymore.

We were, more than ever, in a limbo.

It wasn't going to last.

"About that night—" Upon noticing how I tensed up like he was going to hit me, he stopped, his eyes scrutinizing me. He left his sentence hanging there for a long moment, waiting me out, waiting for me to relax.

I didn't.

He sighed softly again. I could almost feel the disappointment, the remorse, in that action. "... Nevermind."

It was almost a whisper.

In that one word, I knew I'd hurt him. In that one word, I knew that how I was acting towards him now pained him more than he let on, that it was taking him every ounce of his emotions to utter it. I knew that he wanted to talk about it, that he was being considerate in letting me not talk about it.

Moments like these always made me so cognizant of how selfish I was.

I didn't let myself think about it.

Tomorrow, I whispered to myself as my stomach knotted painfully. Tomorrow.

Without another word, I left with that word being my guiding light.

The metal clinked softly against the cool marble countertop, shining innocently. It was a piece of beautiful disaster, one of the only mementos that I would ever leave behind. The words that ran across the half-plate, our secret little code, seemed to be imprinted so deeply they went through the thin metal.

I hadn't intended to break that keychain in two, but when I'd passed by a blacksmith's store in town, I had been compelled to ask. I didn't even know what came over me, but it felt right. After all, it would be strange to keep a gift that I'd given to someone else already. At the very least, this way, there was something for both of us.

Something more than just memories.

My hand clenched tightly around my half of the keychain, tucked into my pocket. I sighed, and whirled around, pulling my coat tighter around me. I froze when I saw Zero leaning against the doorframe, not a trace of sleepiness in his eyes. Nothing in his expression gave him away.

I didn't blink as I observed him carefully. My words blended into the night. "... Nothing you say will change my mind."

He let out a phantom chuckle, his lips tilting upwards just faintly. "I know."

"... Why didn't you just stay in bed and save us from this torture, then?" I muttered bitterly, avoiding his eyes. We both sucked at goodbyes, and we both knew it. If he knew that he wouldn't be able to stop me, then what was the point of showing his stupid face? It just made things ten times more awkward and twenty thousand times harder.

"... Just shut up for once, Riku," he sighed, though there was a note of affection hidden deep in his tone. He glanced behind me, at the piece of the gift I'd left him. "Mine? Or yours?"

What he meant to ask was, Did you leave me the half I'd written, or the half you did?

"Mine, obviously. Why the hell would I give you the part you wrote?" I stared at him like he was an idiot, which he was. As per usual.

"... I thought you wouldn't want to carry that with you," he answered honestly, quietly.

A heartbeat, two. Three, falling into four and five. I inhaled deeply and pushed the words out. "... I don't."

He didn't say anything to that. Instead, he murmured, "Yuuki will be upset."

"I always upset her," I reminded him.

"And Kaien?"

"He'll get over it."

"... What about the vampire?"

I was silent for another moment, eyes glued to the floor. Eventually, I bit out, "... He'll get over it, too."

A small scoff that contained all the words he'd ever want to say about the situation. The quiet was thick between us, the tension high. I knew what he wanted to say, knew what he wanted to do, and yet I also knew him. I knew him well enough to know that he knew me.

I never lived anywhere long, never stayed in one place.

This time wouldn't be an exception, just like the last time hadn't been.

We could fight like cats and dogs—we could rip each other apart, could brawl until the sun came up five times over, but it wouldn't change anything. There was nothing that could alter this lifestyle, this fate. It was something I'd always resigned myself to, something that they probably all knew somewhere deep in their hearts.

"... OK, well, I'm going," I broke the silence awkwardly, curtly. I headed straight for him, getting ready to bulldoze past him if I had to. He didn't move out of my way, but his body wasn't locked, as if bracing for impact. My eyebrows furrowed as I stopped directly in front of him, staring at his chest. I sighed in frustration. "Just spit it out already, damnit."

I saw the movement of his body as he breathed, the way his shoulders shifted, the rise of his chest. I didn't want to see his eyes. "... I won't forget, Riku."

There was no response to that. I heard it, what he wanted to say after. So come back someday. He wanted something like a reassurance, some semblance of a promise.
But I couldn't give it to him.

When he realized, in the heartbeats that ticked by, that I wouldn't—couldn't—get the words out, he unfolded himself from the doorframe. He reached out, rested his hand on my head. It was cool, the way vampires were, and yet so gentle, like falling snow. He ruffled it once, and I didn't even protest. I savoured the moment, a rare one, and closed my eyes. When his hand slipped away, I opened them, and watched as he shifted out of my way.

My footsteps were light, completely opposite of the way my heart felt as I headed for the door.

"Riku. If you ever need me—"

I snorted, trying to hide the wavering smile that would be in my voice otherwise. "What, you'll come running to the edge of the world?"

When he didn't reply, I chanced a look at him over my shoulder. He was staring at me hard, and this time, his muscles were locked. When our eyes clashed, they held, and they only broke when he closed his eyes and shrugged, the unspoken words heard starkly between us.

It was so Zero, so Zero that I almost wanted to laugh at how him it was. At how all of this was. This moment between us, it summarized everything that was us. Him and me, me and him. The two of us, bound together by our pasts, bound to our pasts, trying desperately to fight the world as it suffocated us. We were one another's guard, one another's shield and sword. We watched each other's back no matter what, had each other's back.

He needed to find someone else for that now.

He needed to find someone that could be more.

He needed to find someone who could stay.

And I hoped, with every ounce of sincerity that I could, that he'd find that person.

Because he deserved it. Because more than anyone, he deserved it.

For once, I didn't grace him with a snappy retort. Instead, I felt my lips pull up into a rare, rare smile. A genuine, honest to the lord, smile. "Take care of yourself, Zero."

"... Yeah," he answered lowly. "You, too."

And because I knew that I couldn't stay any longer, couldn't handle this any longer, I turned around and continued on my way, refusing to look back.

As I made my way through the sleeping town, along the hidden dark alleys that would lead me away from this place, following the map inside my mind that I'd planned out all those nights ago, I felt Amaterasu stirring inside of me. She'd been silent the past few days, sulking at my decision, thinking it was the wrong one, as she so often did.

She scowled at my thoughts. "Because you're, quite frankly, a larger idiot than I initially believed."

Can you just shut up and go back to giving me the silent treatment? I demanded. It was so much more peaceful when she wasn't fighting me on every decision I made about my life.

"You didn't even say goodbye," she almost growled it at me.

Did you even know me? I asked her incredulously.

"I thought maybe love had changed you." It was said both bitterly and hopefully, as if the crushed dream was still glimmering.

I snorted. OK, so you don't know me.

"I know you well enough to know you're going to regret it," she said quietly.

Story of my life.

"... Riku…"

It's too late now, I told her. We've already left, OK? At this point, it's like crying over spilt milk.

"We're fifteen minutes away. Going back at this point for something like that really isn't that big of a deal. Some people fly back across the world for a proper goodbye, you know."

… What the hell? Where are you getting all that shit from?

"I'm cultured," was her huffy reply.

… Yeah, in shit, I retorted.

"You're so snappy today," she observed blatantly. "This is why I'm telling you to go back. If you just told him—"

He'd ask me to stay, I interrupted her flatly, trying to obliterate all the feelings that were welling up inside of me at the thought. And you know that I can't. It just makes things so much more difficult than it has to be. Why would you want that for me?

"Because!" she burst out. Upon feeling my surprise at her volume and insistence, she softened her voice as she repeated, "Because, Riku. Because I didn't get to say goodbye, not the way I wanted to. I didn't get that chance, and I… I want that for you."

So this was about her and Lance. About their sudden ending, one that was forced upon them rather than crafted. It was about choice, and they never had that. I could hear the regret echoing in her voice, hear the sadness that came with it, centuries deep.

We're different, was what I told her quietly, gently, without any intention to hurt her with those words.

"We're both in love, what's so different about that?" came the equally low reply.

"Because it would be cruel," I murmured aloud, as if it would convince her, make her understand any better than if I'd just thought it.

"... Leaving without saying anything is crueler."

"OK, I already told you, I'm not—" I stopped both my mouth and my feet. That was most definitely not Amaterasu's voice, not that she could speak out loud like that anyway, unless it was through me. And it wasn't my voice either.

My heart thudded rapidly in my chest, hitting my ribcage hard, hard, harder.

"Sasaki." The wind carried his voice as a caress to me, soft, deep, warm. I could barely hear it through the roaring of the blood rushing through my ears, but it sent a shiver down my spine, sent the hairs on the back of my neck standing.

How did he know?

"How would he not?" murmured Amaterasu.

I wanted to ask her what she meant by that, but she had burrowed herself away, barely there, as if trying to give us as much privacy as she could. She was a traitor in every sense—always showing up when I didn't want her company, always leaving when I did. How was I supposed to navigate through this situation on my own? I needed her to keep me grounded, sane. At this moment, I could barely remember how to breathe.

Could I just make a run for it? Even as I thought it, I knew it was impossible. My feet felt like they were cemented to the grass.

He was quite a ways away, and yet I felt his presence as a looming shadow. It engulfed me, the pressure of it so high and intense that I felt my lungs shudder, trying to breathe under it. It was impossible not to literally feel his magnetism, the weight of his words, his stare, his… hopes.

He didn't say anything else, just waited me out.

Mechanically, I turned around, eyes aiming to stare at anything but his face. He was dressed pretty lightly, not at all fit for this kind of weather, but he didn't seem fazed at all. He had his hands in his pockets, his body tensed, but not overly so. It was a pose of amity, but at the same time, readied resistance.

Unlike yesterday, he wouldn't be saying "Nevermind" this time.

"... So you knew," was the eventual sigh.

"... It's a little insulting," he began slowly, without taking another step closer, "that you'd think I wouldn't."

I shut my eyes roughly. "What do you want from me?"

A breath. "You already know."

I ran a hand through my hair, frustrated all over again. I was always going around and around with everyone, always following that cycle of conversation, of thoughts, of hopes. I didn't know how to make it all just stop. I needed them to just understand—I didn't know what made it so difficult to comprehend. Why didn't they just get that this was hard for me, too? That everything they said just made it harder? That, for the love of all that was holy, it wasn't as if I wanted any of this, either.

I just didn't have a choice.

"Listen—"

"No," he interrupted, more sharply than he'd ever spoken before. It surprised me so much that I accidentally looked up, my eyes catching his, even with so much distance between us. I saw the look in them, and it was heartbreaking, heartmending, and it was another kind of beautiful disaster that I would have to leave behind. "Sasaki, you listen."

I opened my mouth, as if to protest, but no words came out. And I didn't know what to expect from him, but it sure as hell wasn't what actually came out of his mouth.

"I'm in love with you."

In the silence following his words, my expression contorted in a way that was unfamiliar to me. My heart probably stopped for a while, but I never felt more alive. And yet I didn't know what consumed me more—happiness or despair? I wanted to cry, could feel the tears gathering in my eyes, but I didn't know what emotion fueled it.

I'd always wanted to hear that from someone.

When we met, as we got closer, the more I realized I wanted to hear it from him. From nobody except him. I'd wanted to hear it, but I didn't. I wanted him to say it, but I didn't. I wanted him to feel it, but I didn't. I was a mess of contradictions, of pushes and pulls, and there was no way to remedy the way it massacred me both ways, two times over.

Because of course. Of course I was in love with him. How could I not be? How could I not, for the life of me, fall for someone like him?

But we were doomed from the start, a pair of star-crossed lovers.

I blinked, feeling the tears overflow, falling down my cheeks as evidence of emotions that I shouldn't feel. I swallowed, trying to say something, but the words got stuck in my throat, and all I could do was look at him, was watch him as he watched me.

"... It troubles you," he murmured, breaking the silence. "But I won't apologize. You asked me to 'forget it.' And I won't. I can't." A pause. "I won't apologize for that, either."

Slowly, he began walking towards me, his pace sure and steady. I took a step back, but that was all I could do—I remained paralyzed, my head racing as fast as my heart, trying to find something, anything, to say. But the closer he got, the harder it was to formulate thoughts and words, to put words to thoughts, because he drowned it all out. The closer he got, the more I felt the intensity of his presence, the meaningfulness of his gaze. He pinned me there, left at his mercy, and all I wanted was to—to—

He stopped when he was right in front of me, a foot and a half away. He stood there, eyes burning into mine, everything I'd ever dreamed of, a future I'd always wanted. He was everything, and I could never have him.

Life was so cruel this way.

"I won't ask you to stay." The words seemed pained as they left him. "But just once, before you go—just once, Sasaki, I want you without your armour. Can you please," he whispered now, his head tilting in that way of his, "do that for me?"

I wanted to tell him no way in hell. No way in hell. If I did that, it would just hurt us both more, and it would just be terrible no matter how you looked at it, and it would've rendered all the days and nights of agonizing over this absolutely useless and—

And none of it fucking mattered when he was looking at me like that.

In that instance, all the walls I'd built came crashing down.

My voice came out in a wobbling mess, my eyes blurring again with tears. "I—towards you—"

His lips tilted up just the faintest touch, his feet bringing him closer until he was right there. Close, so close, but not close enough, even as he reached out slowly and laced his fingers through my shaking ones. Not close enough, even as he wrapped his other arm around me and brought me to him, so close I could hear his heartbeat.

I squeezed my eyes shut, as if that would be enough to get rid of all my tears, the sadness that I felt. And yet a part of me wanted to continue crying forever, if it meant he'd hold me like this. My free hand fisted over the material of his sweater, as if grabbing onto a lifeline.

What would I give up to freeze time at this moment?

My voice, when I tried to speak again, was muffled by his shoulder. Almost bitterly, I asked, "H-How… How am I supposed to go when you—when you say things like that?"

When he spoke next, it was right at my ear. His breath felt like fire against the winter night. "Sasaki…" he pulled away slightly, so that he could look at me. Even though I knew my eyes were puffy and red, just like my nose and cheeks, I couldn't bring myself to look away. This would be the last time I'd see him, and I wanted to burn every possible moment, every single line and curve and shade and everything about him into my mind.

His lips parted, as if about to ask me to stay. But he saw the look in my eyes, and they closed.

I searched his eyes, searched them for all the dreams I had, that I felt like we shared. I searched them for more than everything, for worlds and timelines that were different from this one. And I blurted the words out without thinking, without letting myself think. "I would trade anything to be with you."

And because this was me, and he was Shiki, he knew that this was as close to I love you as I could get.

He closed his eyes, brought his forehead to mine. He pulled me closer, even though there was no space between us already. He didn't say the words with his lips, but he said it in everything else—don't go, stay, stay here with me, be with me, let me be with you, let yourself be with me. I heard it all, and it just made my throat close up all over again, because he was happiness, and I had to let him go.

I had to let him go.

"... How long?" he asked delicately.

I almost didn't answer. "... Two or so years."

He breathed slowly. "And your chances?"

"... Do you really want to know?"

"That bad," was his inference, said more deadpanned than usual. He was trying to school his emotions to make this easier, and I wasn't sure if I loved or hated how we had reversed our roles. What happened to the vulnerability he'd asked of me?

And yet, this too was an act of consideration from him, an act of selflessness.

I almost laughed. Instead, I made a sound that was halfway towards a chuckle, halfway towards a sob. I couldn't help it as I reached up and ran my hand through his hair, brushing it away from his face. The maroon locks were as soft as they looked, and I would've loved to run my hands through them until he fell asleep. It was another mundane thing, another thing that lovers would have a chance at that I never would. A simplicity that they took for granted, that I never would.

He shadowed my hand with his own, and opened his eyes halfway, calculating, assessing, asking, imploring, hoping. Always hoping. My eyes shut as he carefully closed in, pausing just before our lips touched, as if giving me that last chance to pull away. When I didn't, they touched mine, feather light, testing, waiting. It was just the briefest of touches, and yet it sent my toes curling, my heart working overtime, my thoughts awry. Involuntarily, I gripped at his sweater tighter.

Please.

When he kissed me again, I leaned into him softly, and emotions that I couldn't fully fathom gathered in my chest, spilling out, capturing me and holding me hostage. I felt like I was humming with those emotions, radiating some kind of heat that I couldn't begin to control.

For the rest of my life, I would be replaying this moment again and again, a broken record that could only play this one song.

"Sasaki." It was just my name, it was just my name, but the way he said it—the way emotions broke through the monotone of his voice, so clear and so raw and so… so uncontrolled, I felt my breath hitch with another round of upcoming tears.

"... I have to go," I told him, because I didn't want to cry again. If I did, I really wasn't sure if I could stop. My resolve was breaking apart by the second. Every breath I took was another chip of my determination being obliterated, another wish that I let win over my logic that I couldn't afford a loss to.

I couldn't stay here. I couldn't stay here, even though every fibre of my being was screaming for me to.

For a moment, he didn't move. He was as still as a statue, his forehead against mine, lips just mere centimeters away, eyes still closed. I almost thought he wasn't ever going to move, but after a long moment, he did. He tightened his hold on me for just a moment, and then slowly, reluctantly, he let me go.

He stared at me with a look on his face that I would never forget. "... Return. To me. One day."

I gazed back at him, knowing what he wanted to hear, but unable to bring myself to promise him because I would just be lying, and I knew it. It would lead him to have false hopes, at least for a little while, and that wasn't what I wanted for him. If I were selfless, I'd tell him to find a new love, that it was what I wanted for him—that all I wished for was his happiness, even if it meant that it wasn't with me. But I knew that would be a lie, too.

"... I'll try," I finally managed to get out, neither a lie nor a false dream. I would try, but we both knew what it meant that I hadn't said yes.

"I'll wait."

"Don't," I told him, laughing without any real humour except for how ridiculously cheesy it was that he'd say something like that. "You'll wait forever."

He didn't say anything, but that was because his eyes said it all.

I shook my head. I wanted to tell him that regardless of everything, regardless of how much pain I'd feel after leaving him behind, I was thankful. Thankful that I'd met him, that I'd experienced something as beautiful as this, even if it was just for a moment. A month in the span of my life, but it was a month that was so precious to me, I couldn't even begin to describe it in words. It was a life-defining month, a month of firsts and lasts.

He was my first and last.

Instead, what I said was, "Thank you."

And because I could hear him saying I love you as a reply, before he could, I pressed my lips to his one last time and smiled. The full moon was our witness, our memory-keeper. It was what I would look for every month, as if it could carry me closer to him.

I don't want to go. I don't want to go, I don't want to go, I don't want to go. The phrase was a chant inside my head, the rhythm of my heartbeats. It was a sob, a plea, a scream, a wish, a lamentation.

Using every ounce of willpower that I had, I turned away from him and ran.

He said he wouldn't ask me to stay, and he didn't. That meant he wouldn't stop me, either, and he didn't. For that, I was more than grateful. If he'd reached out to stop me, if he'd pulled me to him again and asked for another moment, it would just make things that much harder for me. It would just be torture, and he knew it.

And so he let me go wordlessly, silently.

I didn't let myself look back, but I felt his stare burning into me, even long after I'd disappeared from his sight.

Happiness, dreams, a future—he was everything.

And just like that, I had to let him go.

A / N:

And there we have it, the 33rd chapter! FINALLY, RIGHT? Y. In so many ways. SENKU FINALLY BECAME OFFICIAL, YEAH?!

But then oop.

Sorry y'all. BUT I FEEL LIKE WE ALL KNEW THEY HAD TO SEPARATE EVENTUALLY, RIGHT? HNNG. Pleasedonthurtmeahhhhh.

For those of you who read Heterochromia as well, I'm lowkey referencing it here in this chapter with Zero LMAO. My inner Zevy shipper is still going so strong. And I swear that I don't have a thing or fully plan the idea that my OCs leave their beloved for extended periods of time, OK. IT JUST HAPPENS.

I think there are probably 2 other chapters, and then an epilogue, and a special / extra (which will be the Shitsuren x Heterochromia crossover, probably?) and that'll conclude the series! I never planned for it to be a long one-my brain, when I was that young, couldn't really fathom the idea of a long story, and so it was always going to be around thirty-fiveish chapters. I wonder if I'll finish this in the next year... or two... LOL, ohmygosh, I'm so sorry, I'm terrible asdfghjkl.

BUT. REGARDLESS. I hope you guys enjoyed it, even if it wasn't exactly a happy chapter.

LOTS OF LOVE AND THANKS TO;

ShadowTeir, LadyAmazon, Onesie Queen, MiddayMousse, arisa0, EternalNightmare88, Chidori Kiryuu, PainteDreamer, Kiwi, RainyRandom, AmatistaLuna, Guest, KusajishiFukutaicho, Guest, Guest, Guest, Sh3lby, and 252020

Thank you as well to everyone who favourited and alerted! (:

EVERYONE who left me comments were all so supportive, and I just wanted to take this moment to say thank you so much to all of you! If I replied to every single person, it would literally just be a wall of "THANK YOU MUCH ;A;"s so I feel like I should spare everyone (and not give false hopes to those who think the chapter will be super long and then get... well, not what they expected) and just say it once here.

I will continue to do my best to complete this for y'all, especially since it's so close, and I hope that you guys will continue sticking with me through the journey!

I want to reiterate that I hope all of you remain happy and healthy. Please, please be safe!

I'll hopefully see y'all sometime again this year!

XOXO,
-EverlastingxSong-