Huzzah! I managed to get another one up, even though my head's empty XD though, you will find, this one's just like a freakin angst-ier and more plausible (only slightly more plausible, mind you) version of the second one-shot (at least, I think it was the second one..._, well the one where Kanda's up late reading and then they fall asleep on the roof lol) :( and I'm so happy I managed to get it more than 2000 words :D
Song: Whispers in the Dark by Skillet (oh, goodness, that song is totally suitable for yaoi. But I'm just using the title cuz I'm unoriginal that way XD)
Enjoy, everybody!
Leaning against the door of the roof, Kanda slid down to the cold hard floor. He turned his face up to the heavens, letting the rain pelt his skin.
The pain crept into his chest once more and he wrapped his arms tightly around himself. Go away, he pleaded, go away, please…
Standing in the void separating life and death, he'd looked on. He'd looked on as people had lived out their lives, happy and content with how they'd spent their fleeting existences. He wanted to be cold-hearted, to not care about what others did. He thought he'd succeeded…how wrong he'd been…because, after all, he was human too…
He hated this weakness! A bitter part of him wished for the Akuma that he fought to kill whoever was near, so that those remaining behind would get a taste of what it was he went through every day…and then he'd feel guilty for thinking such things. He'd been given this life for a specific reason; he had to defeat the Akuma before they tore out chunks of the human population. He had to carry out the orders given him. He had no other purpose.
But, all the same, he couldn't abandon his stupid heart. He scowled as the pain grew. He tightened his grip further, willing himself to get it together.
From his position at the border of life and death, as he'd watched those around him, he'd begun to desire that kind of life…he'd begun to desire attachments, bonds…it was all so stupid! Why should he care about that?! He'd leave this life before long and seeking those kinds of things would only result in regret! He didn't want to leave with regrets! He…didn't want to be weak…!
Sitting here, he convinced himself this was only temporary. Come the morning, he would be back to his usual self. That was just rain falling down his cheeks. But the pain in his heart didn't abate; the rivulets running down his face weren't just from the rain; they came from his eyes. He shut them tightly, willing himself to stop…
But he couldn't! He couldn't get it to stop. So he let himself drown in his angst. Surely, there was nothing wrong with…letting it take over…just this once? Maybe...after his eyes ran dry, this accursed pain would go away too…? If that was the case, he'd be glad to let the sadness take control. At least he wouldn't be seen up here, not at this late hour.
How long had it been now, since these damned feelings had started to slowly cripple him from the inside? At first, the only thing he'd felt had been an urgency; an urgency to complete his missions…and to bring salvation to the souls caged within the Akuma. And then he'd found a sympathiser in Allen Walker, someone who cared for the souls of the Akuma too. But Allen's goodwill hadn't stopped there; he'd go so far as to give himself to save those before him…such a selfless act, such a stupid deed, had been alien to Kanda. Since then, he'd begun to pay more attention to the lives of those around him and, inevitably, he'd begun to desire to have lives like they did. But it was impossible! He would die soon! He had no life outside of this war; that was his meaning in life, after all. Living a life with happiness was impossible…
The door handle turned, bringing him out of his grim musings. But the door wouldn't open because he was leaning against it. He felt the pressure behind him as whoever it was tried to open the door a few more times. Kanda didn't make a sound; no one needed to know he was up here…no one had to see him like this…
"Yu?"
Shit! He thought. What was that idiot doing up here at this time?!
"What're you doin?" Lavi asked, trying to open the door once more.
Kanda didn't reply and didn't budge.
"C'mon, Yu, I know you're there. Move, wouldja?"
He still didn't speak.
"Yu…" On the other side, Lavi sighed and slid down the door to sit on the landing at the top of the stairs. "What's bothering you?"
He looked up at the ceiling, hoping for an answer. Something was wrong with Kanda. Recently, every time he'd looked at the boy, he'd seen it; a sort of aura which radiated melancholy and anguish. He'd seen the boy heading up a while ago and, out of curiosity, he'd followed.
He got no response. He looked down at the stairs in front of him. He'd not been able to sleep these past few days, even though Bookman worked him to the bone and he was tired. With the Earl frequently on the move, there was a lot to record about the war.
Maybe that was why he couldn't sleep; his friends were right in the middle of this fight for the world. Each mission seemed to become more and more dangerous and he couldn't help the worry which bloomed within his heart.
What would he do if one of his colleagues came back with severe, irreparable injuries? What if any of them came back…dead? It was enough to drive him insane. He'd be fooling himself if he said he'd just continue on like normal, that he'd move onto his fiftieth alias with absolutely no feeling inside.
"You know, Yu, when I first came to the Order and I met you an Lenalee, I thought 'I wonder if I could make that guy become my friend?' I guess it never worked, huh? I mean, I tried to approach you but you always shunned me. But…I guess, that offer of friendship wasn't real back then, you know, what with me bein a Bookman an whatnot. It was just a game." He didn't know if Kanda could even hear him over the sound of the falling rain, but he kept talking anyway, just for something to do.
"But…you know, I think…it's pretty real now…"
Allen was a great friend, and so were Lenalee and Krory and the others. But, could they really understand what he was going through? They were already aware of what it was that Bookmen did but would they understand the extent of his pain? He had no use for this heart but he didn't want to abandon it either. He wanted to be a Bookman but he wanted to keep his friends too and that was just not a realistic possibility. Maybe this was another reason why he couldn't sleep these days; thoughts of wanting both these lives constantly ate at him.
"I wouldn't mind being your friend, Yu…" he sighed, running a hand through his hair.
Out on the roof, Kanda was wiping furiously at his eyes. Don't give me such things, he thought. Please don't…friendships are temporary and easily broken…I don't need unfulfilled desires such as these…"What do you want?"
Lavi was surprised despite himself. Kanda has actually spoken! "What's up with ya, Yu? What're you doin out there at this hour?"
"That's…none of your business…" Kanda's voice was strained.
Lavi frowned. "C'mon, Yu. You should talk things out when you're upset."
"I just said it's none of your business!"
He huffed. It was stupid to think Kanda would open up to him. Kanda was always reserved. He didn't hold any interest in people; for him, nothing mattered except getting the job done…at least, that was everybody's opinion. "All right, if you won't talk, then will you listen?"
Kanda frowned. "To what?"
"Me talking."
"Tch, why would I do that?"
"Cuz I'm your friend…?"
Kanda stared hard at the ground. Empty bonds mean nothing…don't give me such a thing…He'd never desired anything like that before. But now…should he accept this friendship? He…didn't need it. It was weak! It was useless! And it was fleeting, especially in their line of work…but, all the same, he found himself wishing for it…he was so pathetic! He didn't need anyone! Others weren't going to help accomplish the missions he was set, were they?! People were just distractions! Labels like friendship meant nothing! Why couldn't he convince himself of this?! He'd done fine for the first eighteen years of his life and now he was having doubts?! How ridiculous!
"Fine…talk," he said after a heavy pause.
A small smile spread across Lavi's lips and he unfurled his legs and laid them across the landing, leaning back so his head was against the door too. "Can you imagine, Yu, living your life without givin a damn about others? You make some awesome pals and then you gotta up and leave someday, never to look back…do you think that's fun, Yu?"
"Tch, you're asking me?" Kanda scoffed.
"Heh, good point. Anyway, you make promises to your friends and then you gotta break them because you'll never be able to stay with them…" the Bookman apprentice scoffed. He couldn't do it. He couldn't just leave these guys. They'd all fought together, they'd all faced the Earl and the Noah together, they defeated the Akuma together; he couldn't give up on them that easily. Whatever happened, he couldn't just continue as he had done for the past forty-eight aliases. Friends like these, he knew, didn't come easily and breaking away from them was not an option.
Kanda shifted around so he was sitting sideways to the door, as if the movement would mean something to the one who'd been speaking. It was like he could feel Lavi's uncertainty through the wooden obstacle which sat between them. "If you don't want to leave, you shouldn't have to…" he said to the door.
Lavi turned to the side so he could look at the door too. Kanda had actually given his opinion willingly! This was unusual. "It's not that simple, Yu."
"So make it that simple. Where there's a will, there's a way, right?"
Lavi blinked owlishly. He couldn't make it that simple! Words like that were easily tossed around but things were never that straightforward. Everything was complex…too complex. "I can't."
"Why not?"
"I just…can't. If you had a goal you'd been aiming for your whole life and then something came up which made it impossible to carry out that goal effectively, you can't just decide to suddenly change the way it's supposed to be."
Kanda heaved himself to his feet and opened the door. "Whoa!" Lavi fell onto his back. "OW! Coulda given a warning, Yu!" he groaned, not bothering to move. Kanda stood over him, blocking out most of the rain as little droplets fell all around him.
"Idiot." Kanda did something surprising, again. He extended a hand. Lavi looked up with one wide eye for a second or two before he took the proffered hand and allowed himself to be hauled to his feet. "Thanks, Yu."
"Tch…" Kanda strode inside.
"Where ya goin, Yu?" Lavi asked, following after the boy.
"To sleep."
"Oh, I see."
Looking at Kanda, Lavi could tell that the air of melancholy that he'd been feeling from Kanda recently was, although not gone, at least significantly lessened. He wondered if his words had had any effect…he hoped so.
There was silence for a while. And then Kanda spoke. "If you can't make it simple, then perhaps you ought to just leave it and go back to how it used to be."
Lavi cocked his head to the side. "I can't do that either."
"Then, if you're not even going to attempt anything, you don't have the right to complain." Kanda cast him a glance. His gaze was narrowed, daring him to disagree.
Lavi smiled a thin smile. "Heh…you have a point. Pathetic, isn't it?"
Kanda scoffed. "I can agree with that."
"Haha, you're harsh." But, Lavi had to agree. He shouldn't be complaining if he wasn't ready to do something about it. There had to be some way to keep his heart and be a Bookman at the same time. There had to be…like Kanda had said "where there's a will, there's a way". And Lavi was determined to find it. After all, he was a genius, wasn't he? And if this was what he really wanted, then gramps wasn't going to keep him from it.
"Lavi's" existence was the one he had grown to cherish the most. He wasn't just a nameless Bookman; he was Lavi, Exorcist of the Black Order, and friend to Yu Kanda, Allen Walker, Lenalee Lee, and many others who were trying their damned hardest every single day to save the world from the clutches of the Millennium Earl. This was his place, where he belonged.
He stepped up beside Kanda and suddenly put an arm around the other boy. "Thanks, Yu." He grinned.
"O-oi, what's with you?! Get off!" Kanda snapped, not knowing how else to react to the sudden gesture.
"Just wanted ta say thanks to my bestest buddy in the whole world!"
"Who's your best…whatever?! Get off!" he shrugged off the offending arm and hurried on to his room.
"G'night, Yu!"
"Whatever."
"Sleep tight, Yu!"
Kanda made no response.
"Dun let the bed bugs bite, Yu!"
"SHUT UP! Idiot…!" he closed the door. He didn't feel in the least aggravated. Rather, there was a small smile curving the corners of his lips. Had he made himself a friend? Well…Lavi was friendly with everyone…but he got the feeling the offer of friendship was more genuine than what Lavi showed everyone else in the Black Order. Maybe it was because they were both Exorcists…colleagues…comrades…
He didn't mind this friendship.
I hope the ending was satisfactory. Oh, and for the last one-shot, if you didn't notice already , I edited the end so check it out if yer still interested :D and, Niacy, no continuation I'm afraid but I thought the ending was more complete now ^_^ and thank you guys for the reviews! Much appreciated :)