Stephanie knew that Diesel wasn't exactly human but she never expected that a surprise visit from him on her birthday would lead to a spell being put on Ranger that caused the man to be one hundred percent, open and honest. What could this lead to? Well in Stephanie Plum's world; disaster of course!

It's for fun! Don't beat me up, haha.

Prologue

There was nothing ever good about birthdays unless you counted the birthday cake.

It was just one day out of every year that reminded you of your limited life span. Why celebrate one step closer to death? I'd rather cheer and go bonkers every day that I remained alive and in tact. Because when you were Stephanie Plum, that's me, waking up to another day was a relief considering that every possible bad thing happened to shorten my time alive.

That's probably why I stayed in, drunk beer and watched T.V today. I didn't feel like moving. Because if I moved, I'd leave my apartment. And if I left, I'd go to work. And if I went to work, I'd see my friends. And if I saw my friends, they'd wish me a happy birthday.

And I didn't want to think about my thirty fifth birthday. Ugh, oh, I groan just thinking of it. Five years too old to be labeled as a 'middle ager' and five years too young to be considered truly old.

Thirty five was a default birthday. The one that flashed warning signs at you. Thirty five made you re-evaluate your life, see what you've accomplished and propel you to work faster at whatever it is you wanted out of life.

For me, it made me realize how utterly unfulfilling mine was.

How I had a sucky job, how my love life stunk, how my home wasn't ideal, how my luck was crazily bad.

I was sulking. I was sulking because my life was so easy to sulk at. I was sulking because if I didn't, I might be bawling and I didn't want to be a thirty five year old who cried alone in her apartment. That was just pathetic.

So I sighed, went into the fetal position on my couch and closed my eyes.

Maybe when I opened my eyes, I'd realize all this had been a bad dream and I was living in a mansion with kids, a husband and all the doughnuts in the world.

Oh, a girl could dream.

*********

"It's the birthday girl!"

I sighed and was ushered into my parent's home. I know I was suppose to sulk in my apartment all day but I overlooked one large fact: I didn't have any food in my kitchen and my parents did. So, here I was; eating their food and enduring their talking. I managed to tune out most of their conversation until they stopped talking and just stared at me.

"What?" I asked, swallowing my cake.

"It's you're birthday. Aren't you happy?" My mom asked, concerned.

"Ecstatic."

"You should do something."

Like drown myself? "I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Really? Because I could-"

"Mom, I'm fine."

"We should go play bingo. I do that on my birthday all the time." Grandma Mazur added. I'm sorry; bingo? Did she really expect me to sit in place for a thousand hours only to end up leaving empty handed? I don't think so.

"Bingo's not really my game."

"Bingo is any one's game."

My eyes wandered to my mother's liquor cabinet. It was where she kept her secret stash for special occasions like when Grandma Mazur brought a man with one eye or when I burned down houses. The sad thing was that Grandma Mazur and I did that a lot.

"I don't like bingo."

"Everyone likes bingo." Grandma Mazur insisted. "All you gotta do is sit and look at the board. What's not to like about that?"

"I'm not playing bingo."

"Suit yourself."

Silence.

"Maybe you should go roller skating." My mother spoke up. No way. I had two left feet. "Or go to a concert. You have to do something on your birthday."

"NO!"

More silence.

"Can you at least pretend to have fun?"

I turned towards the woman who birthed me and forced a tight smile. She seemed satisfied enough and left it alone. I was still smiling when I left my parent's house with the leftovers and drove home.

I figured that if I kept this phony smile on my face then no one would know how miserable I really felt.

*********

When I arrived back at my apartment, the first thing I noticed were flowers and chocolates. They were sitting before my door, placed neatly and looking lovely. I furrowed my eyebrows, glanced around the hall, picked the flowers up and read the card.

Dear cupcake,

Sorry about our fight and sorry I have to work on your birthday. Will be back soon. I'll see you then.

Love always, Joe.

I smiled in spite of myself, collected the gifts and trucked in side. Joe Morelli was only one of the complicated men of my life. He was strong, handsome, liked pizza and grew up in the same neighborhood as me. All through our time spent together, he used my innocent to trick me. He looked up my skirt at six, took my virginity at sixteen and was still around at age thirty; using his skills to combine all the efforts at once. It wasn't accurate to call him my boyfriend but we were more than just friends.

Anyway, I hadn't seen him in a good three weeks. You see, Joe and I had many differences in opinion. One of his biggest pet peeves was my job. Not because it wasn't paying enough but because it was dangerous and I sucked at it. Either way, we argued, we got angry, I left and that was that.

Now he was bribing me with chocolate. Typical Joe. Damn him and my weakness of all things sweet.

I set all the food on the kitchen counter, fed my pet hamster Rex, who was looking mighty hyper on his wheel, and retreated into my bathroom to kick off my shoes and slide out of my jacket.

When I went back into the kitchen, Ranger was leaning over the counter. The box of chocolates were open and he was inspecting them like he worked for the department of health.

Oh jeez. Where to start? Ranger aka Carlos Manoso was the second complicated man of my life. He was all dark, mysterious, smooth, delicious Cuban love. He always wore black, had a dark complexion, never ate anything fattening, had a body out of this world and could make me melt by just his smile alone. We had a complicated relationship. It started with him being my mentor and had escalated to much, much higher standards. So high in fact that we had had a 'one night stand' before.

But that wouldn't satisfy him of course. I suspected he wouldn't stop until we had at least fifty one night stands.

Ranger was Batman. Or so I thought at times. He excelled at every aspect I failed in.

He glanced at me and I could see his lip twitching. "You and Morelli have a fight?"

I walked up to him and plucked the chocolate from his hand. "He's trying to win me over."

"Smart man."

I licked it and blinked. "Oh hey, these are good." I took two more, stuck them all in my mouth and began to chew. Oh, really good!

"Really?" I heard his voice get heavy and turned to see his eyes get dark. He gently took my hand, turned it over and put his tongue to my palm to lick off a slab of chocolate. I felt a jolt of heat churn my stomach and bit my lip. He glanced off, thought about it and then shrugged. "It's alright."

"I thought you didn't eat sweets." I stated breathlessly.

He cut his eyes to me. "I can make exceptions."

Yikes.

Before I knew it, I was leaned up against the counter, flesh to flesh with Ranger and he was kissing me. And believe me when I say Ranger is a superb kisser. When we broke apart, I had my fingers through his hair and my breasts pushing into his chest.

"What was that for?"

"That? That was your birthday present." Oh, his present trumped Morelli's by a lot. "But this? This is because I want to." Then he kissed me again. Fiercer. Tighter. Extreme. And when he pulled away this time, I could swear I was seeing stars.

"Happy birthday, Stephanie."

Then he was off. Out the door. Planning to do whatever it is Batman did. Damn him and his skill at leaving me mushy and confused.

I sighed, turned to stare at the chocolates and ate the rest. At least Morelli's present didn't vanish until I made it so. I had control. And it sure as hell didn't pop in; send me into a hormone frenzy and then pop out without another word.

Damn men.

I was still vehemently complaining about them when I heard a sound. The sound of air whooshing. A sound I knew all too well. I closed my eyes, prayed it wasn't so and opened them only to see that my wish hadn't come true.

Diesel was smiling at me, hands in pockets. "Long time no see, huh?"

Not long enough. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the third and hopefully, final complicated man of my life: Diesel no name. Like the other two, he was completely on a different spectrum with his own annoying attitude and pet nickname for me. He was blond, buff, sexy and I had an inkling that he wasn't all human.

Yes, Diesel was what they, I don't know who exactly they are, called an unmentionable. Which meant he had some sort of power that surpassed those of human status. The only thing that amazed me about him was his ability to poof in and out of my apartment at will but then again, my apartment was easy access to all.

We had worked together on different occasions and one thing was for sure: Diesel brought trouble.

"What are you doing here?"

He looked offended. "Nice to see you too." His eyes locked onto the empty bow of chocolates and he sighed. "Those must have been good."

"What's the bad news now, huh? Just tell me now."

He grinned. "Bad news? No bad news, sweetheart. I'm just here to wish you a happy birthday. You're in a pissy mood by the way. Shouldn't you be happy on your birthday?"

"I don't know. Are you happy on your birthday?"

Diesel shrugged. "I don't age."

I was actually tempted to believe that. "I know you want something." Diesel never just dropped by for nothing. He was a busy man, according to himself.

We stared at each other for a moment before he relented.

"Fine." He blew out another sigh. "I'm after someone. But I swear, I just came to say hi." He peeked into my fridge and shook his head. "You've got to get a better job."

Yeah, right. Like his job was the best. At least the crazy maniacs I went after didn't have super powers. "Well, hi and bye bye now."

Diesel grinned again. "Real bad mood?"

"Somewhat."

"Ranger got to you, huh?"

I gaped at him. Damn my transparent reactions and his uncanny assumption to know that Ranger had been here. I knew from the past that Ranger and Diesel knew each other or had some sort of history. What had transpired between them though, I have no clue. All I knew was that Diesel somehow messed with Ranger's 'mojo' and that Ranger didn't trust him fully. "No."

"Liar."

I was horrible at it so I just gave up and shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Ranger is Ranger and he's not going to change. So why mope?" It was true but God, I wish he would. I wish he could just spill his guts to me. Then maybe I wouldn't keep going back to Morelli and getting my heart broken like a fool.

Then again, what did I expect from Ranger? I knew that if we got involved, it wouldn't be perfect. Oh no, far from it. It might even be a big disaster.

But that was the deal with life and love. You took chances. And I was willing to take a chance on Ranger if he was willing to do the same for me.

I blinked in surprised at my own thoughts. Talk about a break through. I was having a major revelation over here and no one could hear it!

"I hear it."

My fearful eyes swung on Diesel again. He was smiling and eating the leftovers from my parent's house. "Stop reading my mind!"

"I wasn't." He raised an eyebrow. "You were speaking out loud."

I smacked my forehead. Idiot.

"Tell you what," Diesel said, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "If you promise to get some food in your house then I can make your wish come true."

"Why don't you go home and buy your own food?"

"I'll be in Trenton for a while." He motioned around. "I can stay here, right?"

"NO!"

"Stingy."

I rolled my eyes. "What was that about my wish?"

His eyes narrowed and a wicked smirk appeared on his face. "Your birthday wish for Ranger to be more open and honest."

I stared at him in disbelief for a second before shaking my head. "You can't do that."

"Of course I can. Just tell me how long."

"It's not possible."

"Sweetheart," Diesel grinned, leaning in to stare hard at me. "Anything is possible with a little bit of faith."

I didn't believe in faith. Faith possessed me, made me hope and then laughed when all my prayers never became reality. I hated faith.

"You shouldn't hate faith."

I was talking out loud again.

Diesel straightened, held up one finger, swirled it in the air, stopped, tapped it against the table, blew on it and then glanced at me. "There ya go. When Ranger wakes up tomorrow, he'll be a completely changed man. "

I stared. "You're lying." One part of me wanted to believe he could actually do this but my skeptical side was in full effect. I've seen some weird ass shit in my life but I have never seen someone put a spell on someone else. That was impossible even for Diesel. That was Harry potter shit. Not real. Make-believe.

Yet the look on Diesel's face was scaring me. He was smiling widely and he shrugged. "We'll find out."

I gulped and rubbed at my eyes. Psh, yeah right. Diesel didn't have powers like that. Ranger would be the same dark, silent, strong man he was tomorrow just like today.

I turned to tell Diesel this; that he was a fraud and that I didn't believe him but when I looked up, he was gone.

Damn him and that poof.

THIS can only call for disaster. Yeah, sorry, I know but I'm a suck up for humor fics. Had to do it. Haha.