If Only (A Road to Introspection)

This was a joint effort brought upon by the authors' need to express themselves. We ask that you read carefully and slowly, considering the characterization and the need of the characters while also taking in the realness of the events. Keep in mind, even if it didn't happen it could have. Do not judge our crudeness as it is expressed by our penname.

Enjoy.

WARNING: This fic contains a graphic self-love lemon that many people will find offensive.

I was sorrowful, my heart broken into a million pieces as I ran across the Canadian wilderness.

How could she be marrying that...that...thing?

God dammit! That fucker was getting everything I ever wanted. If it wasn't for the treaty I'd rip his unnatural granite ass to shreds.

In a little over two months she would be his wife.

He would know what it was like to stay by her side, earn her kisses….share her bed.

God, what I wouldn't give.

It was stupid, but I tortured myself one more time, mentally replaying the night I held her in that tent.

If only…

If only she had loved me.

If only she had needed me.

I could have been anything, given her anything, given her myself, children, a real future.

Something that cold chunk of ice could never offer her.

If only I could have been good enough to please her.

I know I felt her respond to that kiss even if she didn't want to admit it.

I could still close my eyes and feel her.

For fuck's sake, if I thought hard enough I could fucking feel her form pressed up against my human body... the memory was so strong.

I remember, sitting in my crappy little Volkswagen, drinking warm soda by her side. I remember how she used to cradle herself, blocking the suffering; the suffering he inflicted. The suffering I was healing just like I healed her cold body in the tent that night, something he could never do.

How did she not realize that he couldn't offer her what I could?

I was warm, I was her sun. She'd said it herself. She was my... my everything. I couldn't let her go.

If I closed my eyes I could still see her warm brown ones looking back at me, feel the silky strands of her hair, smell her strawberry scent.

I could love her the way she deserved to be loved. Freely—not restrained.

Our coupling would be explosive and with him... not even a fraction. A cold body could not make her writhe, could not make her see stars behind her eyes, and could not make her body feel as if it were exploding with passion.

I had once told her she was edible, and though I didn't meant it the same way he had, it was most definitely true. I would lap at her, drink all the juices she would willingly offer. Not rape her neck with my teeth and drain her life force.

Just the thought of what we could have been woke my body up, awakening my need until I was hard as steel. Oh fuck, being in wolf form I was full out red rocketing.

What the hell was I going to do out here like this?

Well it wasn't like anyone out here could see me to give a shit if it was hanging out. I doubt that a camera from Animal Planet was trained on my sorry, scraggy ass.

I slowed down and rested my aching form against a tree. My body slumped forward and my leg twitched in pleasure.

"God, he's thinking about Bella, AGAIN! Jake? Jake, can you hear me? Man, you need to come home and deal with this, your family misses you."

Shit, as always, I wasn't as alone as I thought. Fuck. Just how far away did I have to run to get away from them? Seth was a nice kid, but he had no clue, he'd never been in love—never had his heart ripped out.

"Leave me alone," I mentally grumbled.

"You need to come back. You can't do this to yourself. You have to find a way to get over her, stop thinking about her. Being out there by yourself won't do you any good," Seth insisted. I could see through his eyes the woods around La Push and I ached as I glimpsed some of the areas I'd been with her. Riding motorcycles, we were free, laughing….alive.

Not like that bloodsucker with no respect for life. He might not kill human beings now. But he sure as fuck did once and he sure as fuck would again since she chose him. This time, he'd be killing her.

"I can't let her go." I told him firmly

""You have to," he replied. "She did it to you. She isn't the one Jake. You didn't imprint on her. Edward's a cool guy, he's not gonna…"

"Not gonna what, Seth? Change her so he can fuck her senseless? Asshole has to CHANGE her; he can't understand or appreciate the softness, the warmth of her body now. So he has to turn her into something unnatural and dead like him."

I could appreciate her. Dammit, I did. Fuck, her lips had felt so good against mine when we shared that kiss.

God, why did I keep flashing back to the tent and that kiss the next morning? My body felt on fire every time I thought of it.

"Get yourself under control, man. I can't have thoughts like that about Bella. Jesus, you want to make the whole pack some sick combination of horny and depressed?"

"Sam is getting the razor blades," Leah contributed.

Fuck, when the hell did she jump into this conversation? I imagined a middle finger held up high.

"Then phase back, junior, and stay out of my head!" I mentally growled.

He complied, all of them did, and left me alone with my thoughts. It might have not been such a good idea though. I was still throbbing.

Ugh, the memories…

Bella…warm…soft…curled into my body.

Her hair pressed up against the bare skin of my chest, sweaty and stuck to her forehead in places from my body heat.

What if he hadn't been there?

Bella was freezing, 'cause her stupid fuck of a popsicle fiancé couldn't keep her warm.

I allowed myself to remember my fantasies from that nigh once more.

Originally, they had been conjured up to torment him. But now, thinking back... it was inevitable that they popped up. Having her shivering next to me I imagined it being not from cold but rather from pleasure.

My hands massaging down her back, pulling her up against me.

Feeling her heat.

My heightened senses catching her arousal and increasing mine—if only.

"Why don't you take your clothes off, Bella? You'll get warm faster that way." I'd said.

Although now, in my current fantasy, instead of her refusing and Edward getting all pissy, he huffed and left the tent, and she…she complied.

Her blue lips would tremble as she pulled off the jacket and allowed it to fall to the ground. Her fingers would move to slowly unbutton her blouse. Inch by inch her creamy, warm, human skin would be exposed. I imagined Bella in a white lacy bra.

She was so innocent, so pure. It was fitting.

Once her bra was removed her perfect breasts would be right there.

I salivated like a Pavlovian dog. I was, after all, a hybrid. I couldn't help but be animalistic towards her.

We'd inch closer together and I'd trace my finger down her stomach and circle her belly button.

"Oh, Jake," she'd breathe. "This feels so different from E-"

"Don't you dare," I'd growl, cutting her off. "It's just you and me."

"Oh Jake, yes! Don't you know? That's what I've wanted all along!" she'd exclaim, crashing her lips into mine.

"But, Bella...? The leech?"

"It was just a ploy to make you jealous. Once I found out you were a werewolf I.... God, Jake! It was so fucking sexy... I had to have you... I needed you to phase. See your strong muscles rippling under that russet fur."

I'd pop the button on her jeans, and slowly slide down the zipper while looking deeply into her eyes. Pressing a soft, sweet kiss to her lips I'd push them down over her hips, and hook my thumbs into her white panties next. I'd lower them down as well until she was bare before me.

She'd be completely bare too. No panties. No pubic hair...

"Bella?"

"All this for you. I asked Alice to take me... We hid from Edward. I pictured him so she wouldn't know it was you."

She would have blushed like always, and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, I imagined.

"It's okay, baby. Tell me what you want. Why are you blushing?" I would murmur, stroking her cheeks softly, lovingly with my thumbs.

"I-I-I want to see you Jake, I want to feel you," she'd stammer.

"Feel what, baby?" I'd ask.

"Your..." A deep breath. "All of you," she'd breathe. "Please," she'd beg.

"Anything for you, Bella. I would never leave you wanting," I'd tell her as I lowered my torn sweats, revealing my hard and throbbing manhood, dripping with precum.

"Holy FUCK! That is downright pornographic man, so wrong!" I heard a voice, Embry's, unwelcome and disturbing my moment.

I could hear the mental snickering of other pack members as the assholes phased back in.

"Seriously, Seth told us you were moping and needed your buds. Come on, Jake. Knock it off and get over her. You have to stop this," Quil joined in.

That little shit. Who did he think he was? I was horny and pissed.

"Sorry man. But they're right. We can find other girls for you," Seth added.

My need was too great at this point to really pay attention. I couldn't hold it in any more. I had to do something. The animal in me demanded it, and I could….

"No," I thought back. "No. I can't. I need this too much."

"Need what, dude?" Seth was so innocent.

"This." And I bent my fur covered body, lowering my mouth onto my throbbing love muscle.

"OH MY GOD!" I heard multiple voices scream as I lapped at my own painful erection.

I raised up a little, so my thoughts wouldn't come out in a mumbled mess, and thought, "You don't have to watch if you don't wanna. Leah, you may wanna stick around and learn a thing or two." I bent lower and took more of me in, not believing the unbelievable friction of my foreign mouth on my aching form.

"I-I-I-I'm gonna hurl!" I heard Seth exclaim before the image of retching came to my mind.

It seemed like he wasn't the only one as I could tell a few more of my brother's were losing their lunches.

Leah, however, was totally quiet.

I positioned my muzzle lower, licking at my balls while my fantasy of Bella continued on.

"Oh! Oh, Jake. Fuck Jake," her imagined voice moaned as I sucked harder to thoughts of her dirty talking to me. Whispering all the things her prude of a bloodsucker would not tolerate hearing.

"Jake I want to lick your shaft, I want to taste your salty hot cum in my mouth," she would purr, I thought as I ran my tongue back up along my own shaft.

I would have let her lick me for awhile, but I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on long. My desire for her soft warmth would be too much and I'd pull her up, aligning her centers.

Sucking on the tip of my cock, I thought about how it would feel pressed up against the entrance of her wet, sopping hole.

I started moving faster, imagining her dainty hands pulling on my cropped hair. Her nails digging into my back. Her pussy grinding onto my cock.

"I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!" I heard Embry mentally screech as he phased out. Finally at least one person was giving me privacy. One by one the others followed suit, leaving their wolf forms as I continued to suck myself off.

I took hold of this new found privacy and moved even harder. I growled and the vibrations of my throat on my cock made my spine shiver in pleasure.

"Oh, God," I mentally moaned, and heard Leah panting in my mind. She was still here?

I couldn't think about Leah now though. I needed this release, so I continued imagining Bella.

She would press closer to me, begging me to fuck her. To take away her innocence. I'd put my hands on her hips and sit her above me.

"Ready to ride me?" I'd ask and she'd nod frantically and, without second thought, impale herself on my manhood.

"Uh, Uh, Oh God, Jake!" she'd scream as she bounced up and down on my cock. I sucked myself in time with her imaginary thrusts on me. "You're so hot and big…..ooooohhhhh….only you can make me feel like a woman!"

In my mind Bella was sweating, beads of it dropping from his pert tits and landing on my chest with a sizzle.

"That's it, baby," I'd encourage her. My lips would suckle her tightened nipples and I'd grab her ass, guiding her movements. Then, I'd shift forward and hit her g-spot.

I felt smug in my fantasy, I was Bella's own personal sex god.

I was sweating as well. My skin felt unbelievable hot underneath my fur. I made a mental note to trim my choppy hair and went back to my own pleasure. My release couldn't be far away.

At that point I could mentally hear Leah moaning; God, was she licking herself too? Gross!

I retreated back into my own mind.

Bella's pussy would start to clamp down on my dick as we rocked together, the tent almost losing its balance with our movements. The world would cease to exist.

It'd be only her and I. A pussy and a cock, a snout and a stiffy, meeting and creating beautiful music.

As her imagined heat throbbed around me in her release, her voice screaming out my name, my dick exploded and I gagged as my cum hit my throat.

Leah loved the noises I was making as I choked on my own release. "Yes," she moaned. "Gag for me, baby. Fuck! Yes!" she screamed as she finally came herself. "Hmmm, so sweet."

I let the cum drip off my tongue and hit the dirt as Leah's voice called out to me.

Oh hell, I realized. What the fuck did I just do?

"I don't know," Leah thought. "But Bella doesn't know what she's missing."

Damn right.

The end