This was originally published 28-11-08, but due to a few requests to gather everything together and make it a multi-chaptered fic, I succumbed and did this. Also, I own nothing in this or any subsequent chapters save the plot. Alex Rider characters and James Bond are respectively owned by Anthony Horowitz and Ian Fleming.
Just a little one-shot I made to commemorate the holidays! Not to be taken seriously or with a dose of reality. Anyway, enjoy.
(The Rider household. Curtain opens on small kitchen with JACK reading the newspaper at the table. The phone rings.)
JACK: Hello?… Oh yes, of course. (covers mouthpiece) Alex! It's for you!
ALEX: Hello?… but… yes, I understand but… err… um, okay. (slams phone down) Argh!
JACK: What's wrong? Please tell me it isn't another mission.
ALEX: (chuckles weakly) Actually… Bluntinvitedmetotheannualchristmaspartyforemployeesandwekindahaftagoorelse.
JACK: (blinks) Say what? And in English this time.
ALEX: See, apparently every year there's an annual Christmas party for MI6 employees and it's mandatory, so… yeah.
JACK: So when is it?
ALEX: (mumbles)
JACK: Alex? Repeat that please.
ALEX: (looks sheepish) Tonight?
JACK: (eyes bugging out) Tonight! And he just let you know NOW that you had to attend?! Why, I ought to… (mumbles darkly)
(The lights dim. When they come up, a formal party is before the audience, with people awkwardly milling around, as they don't know each others' names. Spotlight on ALEX and JACK as they enter. BLUNT walks over to them.)
BLUNT: Hello, Alex. You and Jack are just in time for the singing.
(ALEX and JACK look at each other.)
ALEX: Singing?
JACK: What singing?
BLUNT: Follow me. (Leads them to the centre of the room.) Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please!
ALEX: (whispers) What's he doing?
JACK: (shrugs) Beats me.
BLUNT: I'd like to present Agent… er… Ghost Rider!
ALEX: That's a lame codename. Why not Agent 007?
MRS. JONES: (miraculously materializing) We already have one of those. Sorry.
007: (nods to ALEX)
BLUNT: Shut up! (To audience) Agent Ghost Rider will be starting us off on the MI6 version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas," so please give him your full attention. (BLUNT retreats.)
ALEX: (looks to JACK. She shrugs. ALEX clears throat.) Err.. hi everybody, I'm Agent Danger and I'll be singing the first verse, so here goes!
BLUNT: (to MRS. JONES) Is that supposed to be a better codename?
ALEX: (clears throat again) On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… (voice dies away)
JACK: (decides to help) A sirop de grenadine!
MRS. JONES: Delicious.
SMITHERS: My turn. On the second day of Christmas, my boss gave to me…
ALEX: Two pen grenades!
BLUNT: Don't give him anything explosive!
JACK: And a sirop de grenadine!
MRS. JONES: On the third day of Christmas, my son gave to me…
SMITHERS: Three peppermints!
007: Not the pepperminty breath of doom!
ALEX: Two pen grenades!
BLUNT: No explosives!
JACK: And a sirop de grenadine!
MRS. JONES: Alan, your turn.
BLUNT: Must I? (MRS. JONES glares.) Fine. One the fourth day of Christmas, my agents gave to me…
MRS. JONES: Four grey suits!
ALEX: Do you think they're having an affair?
SMITHERS: Three peppermints!
007: No more effing peppermints!
MRS. JONES: Forgive him. There was incident where he was tortured with them…
ALEX: Two pen grenades!
BLUNT: I swear Smithers, if you blow up the lab one more time…
JACK: And a sirop de grenadine!
007: On the fifth day of Christmas, the girl I shagged gave to me…
JACK: Horrible voice you have.
BLUNT: Five vodka martinis!
ALEX: Shaken, not stirred.
MRS. JONES: Four grey suits!
SMITHERS: Three peppermints!
ALEX: Two pen grenades!
BLUNT: Oh, I give up.
JACK: And a sirop de grenadine!
(JULIA ROTHMAN blows a hole in the wall and enters.)
JULIA ROTHMAN: On the sixth day of Christmas, my darling John gave to me…
ALEX: That's just wrong, now.
JACK: Where's a gun when you need one?
007: Six bottles of champagne.
BLUNT: Five vodka martinis.
JULIA ROTHMAN: Those so do not mix well together.
MRS. JONES: Four grey suits.
SMITHERS: Three peppermints.
ALEX: Two pen grenades.
JACK: And a sirop de grenadine.
ASH: On the seventh day of Christmas, Scorpia gave to me…
ALEX: You traitor! Why won't you die? (sobs)
JULIA ROTHMAN: Seven bombs to plant!
BLUNT: So you're the one that did it!
007: Six bottles of champagne.
BLUNT: Five vodka martinis.
JULIA ROTHMAN: I keep telling you people, it's highly irregular to drink both together.
MRS. JONES: Four grey suits.
SMITHERS: Three peppermints.
ALEX: Two pen grenades.
JACK: And a sirop de grenadine.
SABINA: On the eighth day of Christmas, my darling Alex gave to me…
ALEX: Ick! Girl cooties!
ASH: Eight brand-new hickies!
JACK: It's time we had the talk, Alex.
JULIA ROTHMAN: Seven bombs to plant.
007: Six Prada handbags.
JULIA ROTHMAN: Much better.
BLUNT: Five vodka martinis.
MRS. JONES: Four grey suits.
SMITHERS: Three peppermints.
ALEX: Two pen grenades.
JACK: And a sirop de grenadine.
(YASSEN GREGOROVICH falls from the open skylight.)
YASSEN: This has got to be hell.
ALL: Start the ninth verse of "The Twelve Days of Christmas!"
YASSEN: Yup, definitely hell. On the ninth day of Christmas the Hunter gave to me…
ALEX: You mean my dad?
SABINA: Nine sniper rifles.
ASH: Eight brand-new hickies.
JULIA ROTHMAN: Seven bombs to plant.
007: Six Prada handbags.
YASSEN: You've got a really bad voice.
007: That's what they tell me. (winks) Am I making you hot?
(YASSEN shudders.)
BLUNT: Five vodka martinis.
MRS. JONES: Four grey suits.
SMITHERS: Three peppermints.
ALEX: Two pen grenades.
JACK: And a sirop de grenadine.
(IAN RIDER climbs out from a ventilation shaft.)
IAN: On the tenth day of Christmas, my Jack gave to me…
JACK: I thought you didn't want to go public about it.
ALEX: Too many dead people… (faints)
YASSEN: Ten French kisses.
IAN: Me like. A lot. (smirks)
SABINA: Nine sniper rifles.
ASH: Eight brand-new hickies.
JULIA ROTHMAN: Seven bombs to plant.
007: Six Prada handbags.
BLUNT: Five vodka martinis.
MRS. JONES: Four grey suits.
SMITHERS: Three peppermints.
ALEX: Two pen grenades.
JACK: And a sirop de grenadine.
(HELEN RIDER slips out from behind a fake plant.)
MRS. JONES: She still looks as good as ever. I want a figure like that.
HELEN: On the eleventh day of Christmas, my John gave to me…
YASSEN: Eleven sperm cells. (snickers)
(JULIA ROTHMAN elbows him.)
ALEX: Yassen! No more cookies and punch.
IAN: Eleven foreign films.
YASSEN: Ten French kisses.
SABINA: Nine sniper rifles.
ASH: Eight brand-new hickies.
JULIA ROTHMAN: Seven bombs to plant.
007: Six Prada handbags.
BLUNT: Five vodka martinis.
MRS. JONES: Four grey suits.
SMITHERS: Three peppermints.
ALEX: Two pen grenades.
JACK: And a sirop de grenadine.
(JOHN RIDER appears in a flash of smoke and color.)
007: Drama queen. Hmph!
ALEX: Dad?
JOHN: Alex, I am your father. Heh, I've always wanted to say that. On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Helen gave to me…
HELEN: Twelve sets of twins!
(JOHN faints.)
HELEN: I was just kidding!
IAN: Eleven foreign films.
YASSEN: Ten French kisses.
SABINA: Nine sniper rifles.
ASH: Eight brand-new hickies.
JULIA ROTHMAN: Seven bombs to plant.
007: Six Prada handbags.
BLUNT: Five vodka martinis.
MRS. JONES: Four grey suits.
SMITHERS: Three peppermints.
ALEX: Two pen grenades.
JACK: And a sirop de grenadine!
(ALL clap. JACK gives IAN ten French kisses. HELEN, JOHN, and ALEX hug each other.)
HELEN: (softly) Merry Christmas, Alex.
(YASSEN looks left out. ALEX notices.)
ALEX: Merry Christmas, Yassen. (Envelops YASSEN in hug. YASSEN looks startled, but hugs back.)
Finite