Greed

Author: Sky Samuelle

Rating: PG13

Pairing: Juliet/James, glimpses of Skate

Summary: Sawyer in between episodes 5.10 and 5.12, caught between his past with Kate and his present with Juliet, tries to make a sense of his feelings.

In psychology, greed is an excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or- more often - deserves, especially with respect to material wealth. James has always known it was his most poignant vice, being a conman and all.

You might have thought he had it buried in some desolated corner of his psyche, after spending three years rooted in a twisted 70's version of suburban life, but some things are too deeply ingrained to ever be completely erased, regardless of your relatively good intentions.

He's still greedy as ever, he discovered that - if anything else - since she came back, bringing along with her her doc and a load of problems he has learnt to forget.

He still can't avoid looking at her like he wants to just drink in her presence: Kate Austen was always something to be in awe of, elusive and wild, all haunted green eyes and flawless skin, giving away peeks of vulnerability the way other women give away peeks of cleavage.

She's just like he remembers and James never wants to forget again.

If he is to be honest, he can admit that, when he decided to con himself into moving on, he found a strange vindication in choosing someone who awoke in him the same emotions he used to imagine Jack sparking in Kate.

Admiration. Trust. Loyalty. Hope.

This is not to say that his feelings for Juliet are domestic or subdued, because there's nothing lukewarm about the emotions that woman stirs inside of him.

To him, Jules will always be something to be worshipped: strength without arrogance, compassion without weakness, calm dignity, a sharp tongue and a perceptive mind, a regal beauty that reaches beyond the boundaries of physicality.

He doesn't remember trusting anyone as much he trusts her, never, and he is quite certain he has never known that special feeling he gets every time he fucks her, when she is so tightly wrapped around him and moaning in his ear…it's like he has been allowed into a sacred place he wasn't supposed to glimpse, yet he ended up claiming for his. For three years, every time he woke by her side, every time she kissed him, every time he explored the curve of her neck or of her elbow, he never stopped feeling proud.

He respects her, he adores her and he wants to protect her, to keep her whole because that makes him whole too, but at the same time he wants to crawl inside the darkest crevices of her mind, to know her the way no man did before him.

He desires her body, but despite Kate, despite Cassidy, his desire for Juliet is unlike lust as he has experienced it before. It's a sort of bone-deep hunger that craves the intimacy of her mouth on his skin and his limbs entwined with hers, the sense of safety of spooning with her after the sex.

He doesn't fear being vulnerable with her: Juliet became his first real friend in decades before she became his lover.

For the longest time it wasn't a concept he associated with romance, the way Juliet's presence soothed him after a difficult day, her ways of grounding him with her eyes and of challenging him with her dry wit, of making him feel clean with her touch or her faith, the knowledge she would take care of him as he took care of her .

But it must be love because he knows that, whether or not they manage to leave this island and this time, Juliet will stay the very definition of home for him.

Nothing dull about that, his inability to imagine his life without her, the jealousy simmering deep inside him when he saw her hugging Jack as a welcome back gesture.

And she's too precious to betray, so there's no guilt in accepting that wishful sensation he gets when Kate is his to look at.

It should, perhaps, but James is enough of a realist to not blame himself for feelings he can't help. They will pass, and even if they don't, he won't lose anything because Jules belongs to him as he belongs to Jules and nothing can bring that certainty away.

Greed be damned.