Lol this is relatively soon, compared to my last few updates...usually I wait about 2 months...hmm, something's different here. Maybe it's that I'm almost out of school and on the verge of a LONG summer vacation (i.e. more chapters from me!) However...that's not relevant to this chapter. Cathy wrote this one. :D Enjoy it guys!
And PLEASE review guys...I've had less than 10 reviews for the last 2 chapters. I'm getting a little discouraged here...
Chapter 11 - Depression
-Claire-
Emerald green, forest green, and even more shades of green, everywhere she laid her eyes. This comforted her deeply, putting her more at peace than she'd felt in a long time. To stay here forever, and forget everything that battered her soul, and flagellated her heart in the physical world would be quite literally, a dream come true. A sweet, airy feeling rose up in her chest, making her feel as light and carefree as a bluebird. She smiled serenely as her body responded, floating up into the air, leaving the verdant forest behind for the beauty of a cloudless day. But strangely, she felt herself going even higher than the turquoise blue, watching with detached interest as she seemed to go past it, and not for the expected fathomless void of black that was space, but towards more light-golden, majestic, unending light that left no shadow in sight. In spite of herself, she gasped and squeezed her eyes shut, expecting to be blinded permanently at the unforgiving shocks of white light.
"Claire…"
She opened them then squeezed them shut, caught off guard. "Here I am," she called back uncertainly. For the first time, she felt a tremor of the anxiety and woe that plagued her in her waking moments. For that voice, so dear and cherished in her heart, could not possibly be who she hoped with all her being to be.
"Claire, come to me."
"Who are you?" she called out vainly.
"You know doll, you know. Please, come to me."
"How can I? I can't even see."
"Trust me and open your eyes, my little one. No harm can come to you here."
Taking deep shallow breaths, she nodded. The quality of the dream had taken a new tone, one that, while not quite sinister or dark, still left her feeling distinctly uncomfortable and exposed, as though her soul would be bared before a crowd of heavenly beings, a vulnerability she could not stand no matter what state of consciousness she was in.
"Okay…"
And it was as though she never had trouble seeing. Though it was just as uncompromisingly bright as before, she now saw everything as though there were equal quantities of light and dark. Though the proportion was still more biased and unbalanced toward the light she could comfortably peer into the distance without squinting painfully.
And there, right in front of her all along, was the owner of the voice, a sight that made her heart swell with joyful, but incredibly painful longing. At the very sight of him, she wept. Unable to help herself the tears came in a torrential flood that both overwhelmed and relieved her. How could such a sweet reunion really be done justice with mere words? There seemed no way and she really had no desire for anything but the sight of him. Dressed in pale green robes that reminded her of crème de menth, he did not appear to her as she remembered. Oh he was recognizable for who he was, but now he seemed to be more than he had been before. No longer fragile or weakened, or little more than a walking skeleton, as his human body had been, his new face and body was healthy and full, with an unearthly glow that seemed to radiate an aura of unimaginable strength of body and mind. Claire stood staring as the tears trailed down her face for what seemed to her ages before her mind finally caught up with her heart. She was in his arms before she could blink.
"It is you, Grandpa," she wept. "Oh Grandpa, I can't even describe… how…how…"
"There, there, my little Tiger-Lilly," he murmured in his deep bass voice, so uniquely different from any other voice she had known, as he held her, rocked her back and forth, a familiar soothing motion that put her back in time when he would do this every day on the porch swing. "Dry your eyes, I'm here."
She sighed fitfully, before relaxing dreamily as the serenity she thought had been lost forever washed over her soul in deep, soothing waves. There could be no doubt, no mistake that she was truly home.
"Grandpa? Am I here to stay?"
He looked at her with such sorrow and regret that instantly she clung tighter to him.
"Please let me stay Grandpa!" she wept. "I don't want to wake up. I want to start eternity now, with you."
"I know you do," he soothed. "I know you do. We both would love this reunion to be forever. But there is still so much to do on earth sugarplum."
"No Grandpa," she answered. "I don't have anything left. There's nothing on earth I want or need anymore. My life is finished. Please make it to where I can stay here in heaven with you."
"Claire Elise, you know very well I can't," he chided gently. "That power doesn't belong to me, but to the Almighty himself. Besides you still have a purpose on earth and you don't just have to face it, you will be facing it, and very soon."
Had she been more alert and healthier where her mind was concerned, she would have immediately recognized the tone of voice her Grandpa was conveying, his "very-important-don't-want-to-miss-it" voice. As such, she felt about as alert and healthy as a zombie.
"I don't see how, Grandpa," she answered despondently. "I did have a purpose once. It was so clear to me the night I found her. And as long as I had her, nothing was impossible or wrong. It was always hard, but I never doubted what I was here for when she was alive."
"But she can't have survived in the wild…she was never prepared for it. Now that she's gone… where's the purpose? Where's the meaning?"
He stroked her hair as he thought about it, furrowing his brow and pursing his lips as he had used to do when he was alive.
"It's a difficult question to answer baby-doll. I can't answer it very well, but suffice it to say-you're only seventeen. You can't stop living just because something awful has punched a hole in your heart. Do you know I wanted to die when your Grandma Genevieve was taken from me? The worst pain I've ever known can never begin to describe it; I could have happily driven a stake through my heart if it would've meant seeing her again. But I had your mother, aunt and you to think about. I couldn't just leave my girls.
"It's the same for you, Tiger-Lily. Only you have so much more to give than this old coot. You have a destiny bigger than the state of Alaska ahead of you and you're going to need the courage of a warrior when it comes time to face it."
"No, Grandpa." She turned away from him, stubbornly clinging to her notions and feelings. "I don't want to have anything more to do with destiny or fate. Those games are long over and I'll have nothing more to do with any of it."
"Claire…," he sounded hurt. "Claire, you're grieving me. Can't you see how important this is? How there is a plan for all of us, the same theme repeating thread throughout the universe? Everything you've ever known is so insignificant when compared with what you need to be able to do now."
When she remained silent, he pressed further. "Sweetheart, do you remember Evangeline?"
"Yes Grandpa, the evening star."
"When we wished on her, what else were we supposed to do?"
She turned back to him wearily. "I can't do it anymore Grandpa." She looked upon him, her expression crestfallen. "Apart from praying to God and doing my best to trust Him with my fate and Leona's, I did wish on her quite a few times. I gave it one last shot after-" she sucked in a deep breath. "After we let her go. Wishing on a star is for babies, and crazy people. And it's pathetic for a grown person to think otherwise. Because it doesn't work."
His face was gentle and understanding as he took her in his arms again, a continual balm for her soul, a comfort she had needed for far too long. "Tiger-Lilly honey, I see where you're coming from, I really do. And I know what you believe. But how can you possibly know? Are you sure you aren't just missing her?"
"Grandpa, what are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about a matter of faith, honey. Am I a crazy old loon for believing in Evangeline?" He grinned deviously, as he used to on earth. "Maybe. But does that make the possibility of her any less real?"
Claire knew he had her. "No Grandpa. I guess you're right," she admitted grudgingly. "But, what possibility? Since you're in heaven Grandpa, you would know if she was real, wouldn't you?"
He smiled indulgently. "That's right Tiger Lilly. You always have been sharp as a whip."
"So…she is." She gaped in wonderment. "Grandpa, I have to know; Did she grant my wish and protect my baby? I have to know!"
"I'm sorry honey, but we've covered all we need to cover in our time together. Before you go, you should know that I mean it when I say that you need to be living again. It grieves me and pains me when I see you wanting to die and not living life like you should."
"I can't help that, I love you…"
"I love you too Claire, but I want you happy and full of life. We'll meet again soon enough, but only after you've found a good man and given me some great-great-grandchildren and then they've given me great-great-great-grandchildren."
"No, Grandpa, please don't leave me again," she begged.
"It's time to wake up, doll. It's time to wake up…."
Somewhere in the back of her mind, a loud and highly annoying buzzing could suddenly be heard and though she wasn't fully awake yet, Claire had the urge to not only rip the alarm out of its socket, but to also take a trusty hammer and beat it until it was nothing more than a pile of plastic smithereens. Instead, she sourly slammed her fist down on the off button.
Normally such a violent reaction wouldn't even have occurred to her. But at the moment, Claire was not right in the head. She hadn't been, not since that which was most precious to her had been so cruelly ripped away. Even now thinking about it threatened to send her into fresh sobs, to rend her heart a new one. But forcing the tears down, she mechanically pushed away the thoughts and moved through her morning routine as though nothing mattered. And in a way, it didn't. Her thoughts and feelings ceased to be as they were wiped away like a clean slate. She couldn't fool herself completely though. She was ever aware of the dull ache not only in her limbs but most apparently in her chest, where it weighed heavily in her, like a dark, despondent presence, threatening to come up anytime, and catch her unaware with fresh, unrelenting grief.
She couldn't remember what she'd been dreaming but it had been good. She wished all the time now that she could do nothing but sleep and have sweet dreams instead of getting up and facing a life that had no point except her misery and humiliation being exponentially increased every day.
As she did her daily chores, she had to wonder just how long it would take for the information of her whereabouts to get back to her family. Not that it mattered; she'd never be ready to go back, not now at least, while she knew nothing of her baby's fate, whether or not she was even alive.
Gasping she tried to choke back the tears even as she recalled the conversation as acutely as though it had just occurred…
"No! Please no! Don't throw her out there, with no help! She isn't ready, not by a long-shot!"
"Oh Claire, you know what you're asking is impossible," the young Afrikaan woman intoned regretfully. She looked sorry, she truly did.
All that mattered to Claire at that moment was that Leona not under any circumstances be thrown to the harsh outside world like so much garbage. Hadn't she fought similar circumstances before with all she had in the past and won? Hadn't she been able to protect her, bring her to the safety of the other side time and time again? Yes, by God in heaven, she had! And no one, not even the well-meaning South African native, whom she would admit was one of her few allies, would deter her from achieving the same goal once more.
The terrible thing was, that it was not up to Carika, as she was about to point out.
"What would you prefer Claire? That she stay here, and await the judgment of my uncle who wants this beast dead? It is no longer safe for her here. And no other reservation will have her because you know that was not the first time your lioness attacked Abasi and for that matter a fair number of our other helpers."
"She prefers to have me feed her! Why is that so hard, for people around here to understand? I am her mother, I am the one who has cared for her since the moment she was born. It confuses her when I'm not the one there with her meal, it hurts her if I stay away from her enclosure for too long, whether someone is forcing me or not." Her eyes grew hard and unforgiving. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say Mr. Bedwing personally wanted to make sure something like this happened. He's never liked Leona, and he always tried to make sure I got to see her as little as possible."
"That's a very presumptuous thing to say!" Carika snapped sharply. "If it weren't for Mr. Bedwing, you would not have this place for Leona, nor be able to stay here yourself."
"Just because he helped us that once does not excuse what he is trying to do now! You know just as well as I do Carika, that your uncle has made me pay good and full, plus interest in earning both my keep and Leona's. And that still doesn't stop him from taking every opportunity to keep me so busy I can't hardly breathe, let alone see my girl. He may have "little patience" for aggressive animals, but he knows full well that the only reason Leona gets aggressive at all is because either I'm not getting to see her or worse, the other employees take the opportunity to try and torment her. Abasi paid for a mistake he did not make, and it makes me sick that Mr. Bedwing insists on being so blind and bullheaded! And she's only attacked TWICE!"
"Keep your voice down!" Carika hissed frantically. "Do you, as you Americans say, 'have a death wish?'"
Claire gazed at her stonily. "Might as well; what else is there to live for if she goes?"
The Afrikaan woman stared at her in open shock and incredulity.
"Dear child…what is possessing you to act in such a manner?" She looked at Claire as though she were an unstable basket case at a mental hospital. "This sort of dramatic behavior changes nothing. The only thing left for you to do is make the choice; Either Leona will meet the needle tomorrow as planned, or we will take her out as far as we dare into the African wilderness where she belongs anyway. All you need to do is say the word."
Even though the choice had been obvious as far as the lesser of two evils, the forced separation had struck a crushing blow to her heart. She'd tried so hard to prepare herself for the inevitable, knowing that it was impossible to prepare for the possible death of the one she had come to love more than anything. She had hoped so dearly that she could start teaching Leona as soon as possible the lessons she would need to know as a wild lioness surviving on the African veldt. Why had she thought Bedwing would allow that? She knew better, had seen first hand what kind of man Bedwing was, she knew that for some reason, he had a personal hatred for the almost full-grown feline. Why would he pass up a chance to get rid of her? He wouldn't, obviously.
So why had her head reeled and why had shock immobilized her when they set out with an unconscious Leona to leave her in a place that wasn't completely barren? Why did she feel as though she had been tricked and used like some wind-up toy? It was as though all her hard work, from the moment Leona had entered the world had gone completely and utterly to waste.
It had taken everything she'd had and more to keep herself composed and stable as they had driven out to the wilderness and allowed her to say goodbye. Drawing on wells of strength she hadn't known she possessed, she forced herself to look into the guileless green eyes, those eyes so beautiful and expressive it made her heart constrict. She at least deserved that much. Her eyes had been confused and fearful, making it even harder to do what she was supposed to. And even as she apologized she had felt her psyche crack and tears started streaming down her face. Carika had been insistent that they leave almost immediately since the tranquilizer had not been a very strong one and would wear off in barely 5 minutes. But Claire would not go without at least one last embrace. One more touch from her beloved "child" that she was never allowed to see again. Hearing her cry out after slamming the door had been her undoing. In fact, the last time she had cried this hard was that horrible return home that now seemed so long ago, when she'd been sure she was trapped forever in the cargo area, condemned to a slow death suffocating and starving in her little pet carrier.
Crying openly now, she beat a fast retreat to her quarters caring little if she were caught. What could they possibly do to her now that they had effectively done the worst? So what if she were shirking her responsibilities? Let them choke on it, and rot in their own stew while they were at it!
Once she reached her room, she mustered up all her anger and impotent frustration and slammed the door with as much force and might as possible. Glad they had thought to give her a lock, she made good use of it.
Before she flopped down upon the bed, she strode casually over to her music collection. Knowing she was starting to feel homesick, she decided to indulge in this rare feeling and picked an album that was packed with potent childhood memories.
Unfortunately, as she allowed one song after another to wash over her as she retreated deep into herself and numbed her being to the world, she soon was jolted from that state as one song, different from all the rest, caught her off guard and reminded her of her most painful and current troubles in an entirely new way.
Hold me, like the river Jordan
And I will then say to thee,
You are my friend
Carry me
Like you are my Brother
Love me like a Mother
Would you be there?
Unbidden, but sweet and poignant memories visited her; that first, life-changing night when she had snuck out in a brief act of rebellion only to find so much more than she'd bargained for; a tiny baby lioness who'd almost became one unfortunate hyena's midnight snack. The memory stood out sharply and clearly: the tiny body, small, trembling and blood-soaked, but so warm and precious to her as that sweet little kittenish face had turned upward, mewling pitifully. The extra shirt she had packed that had ended up covering the infant and later saving her life….
Tell me will you hold me
When wrong, will you scold me
When lost will you find me?
But they told me
A man should be faithful
And walk when not able
And fight till the end
But I'm only human
How difficult and frightening that night had been! For even after she had escaped the enraged hyena pack that lost their brother to her, nearly lost Leona at the cost of defeating them, the night had seemed to be the darkest she had seen yet and she had clung to a very fine thread of sanity with barely more than a flashlight and a GPS that only worked intermittently. Though it was really the newborn cub who, without knowing it, had saved the then thirteen year old girl's life and mind. By concentrating and focusing on her, she had managed to stumble after awhile on the familiar Swahili village only a mile or two away and receive the desperately needed help. The brief friendships would help her later, but the troubles of that night were not quite over. For as soon as she had walked back into the temporary mobile home, she had been pulled into a nasty confrontation with her mother….
Everyone's taking control of me
Seems that the world's
Got a role for me
I'm so confused
Will you show to me
You'll be there for me
And care enough to bear me
Her mother; even in this deadened, apathetic state, Claire suddenly bristled as a flare of anger flashed through her. If her mother had succeeded in having her will enforced, who knew what would have happened to Leona? The possibilities ranged from her ending up in a second rate zoo with sub-standard care or ending up dead at the hands of a cruel and sadistic poacher who would take advantage of her helpless, inexperienced state.
At that thought, she broke, sobbing earnestly; for all she knew, that was EXACTLY what had happened! As she wailed, all the words to that profound song began to blend together until she could barely make out certain words here and there.
…Hold me
Lay your head lowly
Softly then boldly
Carry me there
I'm only human!
…Love me and feed me
kiss me and free me
I will feel blessed
…Carry me boldly
Lift me up slowly
I'm only human!
AND SHE WAS!
She'd tried so hard to do everything-the song had it completely right; a true friend did their best to be more than a friend. They became family if given the chance. Leona had been hers from the beginning, no matter what anybody else said. She had loved her, fed her, kissed her, carried until she was too big. But that cruel mockery of freedom didn't count. Nobody around here cared that Leona had not been ready to be integrated into the wild yet, nobody cared that she'd had a plan to prepare her in the months before her fourth birthday, when all lions reached the age of maturity. They had just seen her as a problem and a nuisance, when to be fair, Leona's behavior really wasn't so terrible. She acted the way a lion in captivity would normally act-restless, energetic, fun-loving, and yes, instinctually aggressive. She was only aggressive if she sensed a threat, which she perceived when Claire was forced to break the routine and did not show up.
" Miss Claire, are you in there?" a voice called out. It was Juma, who strangely enough, ran the souvenir shop outside the reservation for passing tourists. They had gotten to be good friends, but she didn't dare open the door for him; at this point, almost everybody at the compound had at one point or another expressed some form of irritation or outright anger towards Leona and if given the chance, if they didn't haul her back out there to play Cinderella, they would talk to the boss behind her back and seal her fate. She would go back home, to a life that now seemed as foreign to her as Africa had the first moment she had set foot on its soil.
"Miss Claire!" came another voice entirely. Kondo it seemed had also come to stand outside her door. She groaned openly. "Miss Claire it is quite transparent you are hiding in there. Come out this instant or you shall suffer consequences I know you will not like!" He was way off. He thought menial chores or getting scolded was something she hated when really, the only "consequence" was having to suffer his presence. He was a loud, pompous, arrogant braggart who swaggered around in the heavy, ungainly gait of a man who thought he was legions above all those around him. He was so entirely unpleasant, treating everybody either like an enemy or as though they were his personal minions. He especially had it out for Claire because she refused to play his games or submit to a misogynist like him.
"Kondo, please think this through; speaking that way to her cannot produce the results you wish." This voice was very dear to her. Gentle and compassionate, Faraji was truly the kindest, most understanding soul she had ever met in her life other than her late grandpa. "She has never responded to such demands before. Kindness compels her much better than harsh orders-"
"It is not your place to correct me, mchawi. One way or another, she will come out, even if I have to break this door down and drag her out myself!"
Claire stiffened. Never would she tolerate that.
"Now see here Kondo, that is not allowed! You shall not treat her as though she were your daughter, especially since she as well as any other woman here receives protection from men like you!" snapped Juma.
"QUIET!" Kondo practically roared.
Claire had heard enough. Slipping silently from her bed, she stealthily padded over to her radio, where she gradually turned the volume up until the sounds filled the whole room to the bursting point.
Focusing on the window, she grunted and pushed as hard as she could until finally the window was open enough for her to unlatch the screen and soundlessly slip out. And then turning, she quickly closed it again.
But now what to do? She knew she couldn't stay here at this moment; while she couldn't exactly run away, staying inside the compound boundaries was out of the question. She needed to get out.
Doing as much as she possibly could to avoid being seen, she darted from one cover to the next. But suddenly she collided with a solid, warm body and couldn't help but let out a terrified scream.
"Whoa, easy!" cried Asani, holding his hands up in a gesture of surprise and placation. "Miss Claire, you seem extremely jumpy today."
"You think?" she snapped harshly.
"Hey I'm sorry, I'm sorry! And I don't even know what I did yet!" he cried in bewilderment.
Realizing what she'd done, immediately felt bad for how she'd responded. Asani was one of the only other teenagers who worked here and while he thought he was too cool to listen to the adults and took to American teenage fashions like a fish to water, he treated Claire rather nicely and she found that she liked being his friend when he wasn't about to get her or both of them in trouble.
"No, I'm sorry Asani," she said quietly. "Nothing's your fault, I was just startled. I've just had a bad day and I've taken it out on you."
"Think nothing of it," he responded lightly. "I was just on my way to take care of 'important business.'" There was no mistaking that devious glint in his eye that practically heralded another chaos-inducing plan. What was he up to?
But as she thought of it, suddenly an idea popped into her head.
"Asani…remember all those times that I covered for you, helped you out of those jams you got yourself or me into?"
"Yes…" he responded uncertainly.
"Well now I need your help getting out of one. Yours and Erevu's if he's around."
"Just say the word," the only other teenager said from behind her. She jumped a little and scowled. If it wasn't Asani plowing headlong into a situation with no subtlety or prudence, it was Erevu somehow masterfully convincing her otherwise better judgment that it was somehow a good idea.
"Okay, I will. But not here. Somewhere hidden and private."
Once she closed the door and outlined her plan, both boys stared at her in utter amazement.
"My, my Miss Claire," Asani drawled. "I didn't know you had it in you to be so bold and reckless."
"You mean brother, for her to be so bold and disobedient," Erevu chimed in. "I never thought I'd see the day when you didn't play it safe."
"Well I never thought I'd see the day when my reason for playing it safe was taken from me," she muttered darkly. "So are you going to help me or not?"
"Help you? We'll gift wrap and give you this favor for Christmas!" Asani cried enthusiastically. Looking around, he remarked, "It's a good thing we decided to talk in the garage; got anything special you want to take for a spin?
Claire winced as the jeep took another sharp turn, or bounced hard because the boys had been going too fast to see that rock or that stick. The windows were tinted, but that didn't stop her from keeping her head down or worrying that she'd been seen anyway. As it was, she was hugely relieved when they finally were out ten miles away from the reservation. Now she could sit and just think for awhile.
"That's it?" Asani stared at her in disbelief. "Really?"
"What else am I supposed to do? Blow up firecrackers?" she retorted.
"The only other thing I would like you guys to do is keep your cells handy. As soon as I call, let me know when you can get me back, and if you can't you know who to tell and who not to. For future reference, I'd really prefer it to be Faraji or if not him, then Carika. Again, you know who not to tell. Any other questions?"
They stared.
"Good. See you later then guys?"
"Later," they chorused.
As they drove away, she perched on top of her favorite rock and allowed her mind to once again numb and space off. It hurt too much to go back to her previous ones.
Which is why she thought her mind was playing tricks on her when she first saw something much closer than it should have been, that was absolutely extraordinary; a rare, white lion, and a lioness that looked so completely like…
"Leona?" she whispered.
Reviews please! I've been kinda skimped out on the last 2 chapters...Seriously guys, is ANYBODY still out there?
*UPDATE!* 10/18/10
Hi guys…
So, as most of you will know, it's been about 4-5 months since I last updated. And the explanation for that is relatively simple. I've been INCREDIBLY busy with work and (since it started in August) school. An unfortunate side effect of not writing for this long is that I have lost inspiration for this story. Not that it matters since it took place several months after I last updated, but for the last month I've been dealing with a lot of insurance/legal issues. My car was totaled (while parked with me and my friends standing next to it) about a month ago, and the person who hit me (despite the accident being his fault) claims it was my fault. And though I have 5 witnesses that say otherwise, his insurance believes him over me and has denied my claim. Long story short, I'm getting a lawyer so this entire unfair legal mess can be taken care of. If that's an excuse, so be it. But I can't force myself to write. It wouldn't be the same quality that I expect from myself.
So for now, the story is on hiatus.
I have EVERY intention of finishing it, and I'm hoping I will have it finished within a year. I'm just dealing with a ton of crap from legal and insurance issues right now, so there's no way I'll have the focus to write for a while.
Also, for those of you who are interested…I've slowly been working on a Harry Potter/How To Train Your Dragon crossover in my head. I haven't written anything on it yet, but I've got an idea for the story. If anything, that might be the next thing I post. Inspiration is a funny thing, huh? But don't lose faith in this story. It WILL be finished.
Until then, my friends! Stay faithful!
SimbaFan