Disclaimor: I don't own Naruto, I just poke fun at all of the characters.
A/N: An idea that's been in my head for a while, let me know what you think.
Story: Itachi's Anger Management.
The list of ten things that absolutely piss Itachi off
Rule Number One: You never touch Momo-chan. More on that later.
Rule Number Two: You never touch Itachi. Self explanatory.
Rule Number Three: You never touch Itachi's Pocky. Self explanatory.
Rule Number Four: You never call Itachi cute, or any nickname that would suggest his latent cuteness. And cute, in this case, doesn't mean hot or sexy. Itachi is referring to the cute one would call a small child. IE. Any combination of his name, Itachi, and the suffixes kun, chan, chibi, etc…
Rule Number Five: You never Patronize Itachi. Yea…
Rule Number Six: You never try to rip off Itachi. Or steal from him…
Rule Number Seven: There is no rule seven. Itachi hates the number seven. You also never want to try to question whether Rule Number Eight is actually the non-existent Rule Number Seven. There is NO Rule Number Seven...get over it.
Rule Number Eight: You never break rule two while wearing a dominatrix outfit. That last one only happened once, but the shear audacity of it gave it a place in The List. It was a male by the way. Once again, this is Rule Number Eight, not Seven.
Rule Number Nine: You never try to dress Itachi up in a Hentai Bunny Outfit. This one actually happened more than once…damn fan girls.
Rule Number Ten: You never break rules one through nine while smiling at Itachi. This last one suggests that you already broke at least one of the other rules…which is something you already don't want to do.
It was an ordinary day in Junon, a village on the border of Hi no Kuni. Despite it's large size, the village was always quite peaceful and uneventful. It was rather…boring. All except tonight though, tonight there would be some kind of festival called the Flames of Justice…or something. Something that two particular travelers would probably have to miss, considering their tight schedules.
The two sat in the middle of a rather large, yet mostly empty restaurant. They both wore matching attire; black cloaks adorned with red clouds and a basket hats covering their head. The taller of the two was having a full meal composed of fried fish, white rice, and sake on the side. The other was just having a small cup of soup and also had a cup of sake. He also had a small plate with a few sticks of pocky on the side, outside food. They sat in silence until they both ate their respective meals, which didn't take to long at all. The moment they finished there meals, their waitress appeared before them. The taller of the two eyed her hungrily. She was young…somewhere between nineteen and twenty-one. Long blonde hair, liquid blue eyes, and a figure that would make even women turn their heads to stare.
As she took their plates, she flashed Itachi a smile, "So, would either of you care for some dessert."
As she bent over, Kisame grinned and silently thanked the perverted son of a bitch who invented miniskirts…
…and pink thongs. Definitely had to thank the bastard who first invented thongs. 'I can think of something sweet that I wouldn't mind sinking my teeth into.'
"No…" was Itachi's cold reply. Smiling at Itachi's attitude, she quickly reached into her pocket and pulled out a slip of paper, before placing it down between the two.
"Well let me know if you change your mind," she said in a sexy voice, directly at Itachi, much to Kisame's disappointment.
She turned to walk away, but didn't even get one step away. "Wait a moment…" she paused when she heard Itachi's voice, immediately turned towards him with a smile. "You charged us an extra two hundred ryou for our meal."
Raising an eyebrow at the situation, Kisame just waited to see what Itachi had caught. Though part of him didn't care, and just continued eyeing the waitress, and a few of her co-workers, the other part of him was actually somewhat thankful to his partner. He, Kisame, had agreed to pay for the meal today after all.
"Oh did I?" she asked, looking over the bill. "…No everything looks right."
"The soup I ate came as part of his-" he gestured towards Kisame, "-meal. You charged us for a brand new soup."
This time she gave a sad smile, which was still cute, in Kisame's opinion. "Unfortunately, since you were the one who ate the soup, it doesn't count as being part of his meal-" she gestured towards Kisame, "-so I was forced to charge you for a brand new one. Restaurant policy and all." She gave Itachi an appraising look before reaching over and pinching his cheek, "Sowwy Itachi-chan", she said in a childish voice before grinning at him. She quickly put a piece of pocky in her mouth…Itachi looked down to confirm that it was indeed…his pocky. She gave Itachi one last sultry look before flashing him a sexy smile and walking off. She had written down what time she would get off work on the back of the bill, 'Hopefully cutie will come by.'
Kisame shook his head as he took the bill and began looking at it. "It's true what they say: love, and hot pieces of ass, are wasted on young." He took a look at the price on the bill. "Still, even if they screwed me on the soup, it's a pretty good price for a meal like that. Spend more on garbage in other places." Not receiving a response from his partner, he quickly turned away from the bill to look at him. Itachi had activated the Magenkyo. "Hey, are you actually upset by that soup thing. I did say I'd pay for the meal this time…"
"Hn…" and then, Itachi smiled.
The shark man gave Itachi a curious glance. Itachi. Never. Smiles.
"Ugh…" groaned a female voice as she opened her eyes for the first time in who knows how long. 'Where am I?' She stood up to scan her surroundings. It was nighttime and it appeared that she was in a dark alley. Looking down the end of the alley, she immediately saw a well-lit street and Junon's library on the other side of it. She managed to get to her feet, groaning when she saw her body covered in muck…And that's when she noticed that she wasn't wearing any clothes.
"Good evening…"
"Ah!" she screamed, jumping forward several feet before turning around, seeing a pair of red eyes staring back at her through the shadows. Suddenly remembering her lack of apparel she immediately used her hands to try and hide her body, repulsed at the thought of this stranger possibly violating her. She wondered if this was the man that kidnapped her.
"You should know, I was the one that abducted you, though I didn't rape you or allow anyone else to do so", he said as if reading her mind. She actually felt relief at his words. Though she didn't have any reason to believe him, after admitting that he kidnapped her, he also didn't have any reason to lie to her. "How do you feel?"
"What do you want with me", she cried out moving against the wall, looking back at the street. She was quite close to the street, she thought to herself. It shouldn't be too difficult to make a run for it.
"Tell. Me. How. You. Feel. Do you feel like a million ryou, as the saying goes. Or perhaps it's more like 200 ryou."
The woman blinked, clearly confused, "What?"
"It matters not. A colleague of mine created the drug I used to incapacitate you, though he most likely had ill thoughts when he created it. While it works to knock the target out within mere seconds, it also has a side effect. It makes the target, frisky as they say…no doubt that you are already feeling the side effects." The blush on her face was all the confirmation he needed, "Your apartment is on the other side of the village, is it not? I suggest you reach that destination within five minutes. At the end of that time limit you'll find that the effects of the drug will become quite…overwhelming and insatiable. If you fail to reach a safe location its highly likely that you'll give yourself to anyone and everyone you see…for the next twenty hours. You should also know the only reason no one has heard us yet, was due to an illusion I weaved. With the festival going on…"
The girl's eyes widened, 'The Flames of Justice!'
"You'll find it quite difficult to move around freely. I wish you the best of luck." With that, Itachi disappeared.
The woman began to sweat as she heard people heading in her direction. Being a crimeless village, people walked around alleys often. Which meant hiding was out of the question. Covering herself up, with only her arms, and a thin layer of mud, she began running in the opposite direction.
-Up in the rooftops-
"Don't you think your going a little to far over something like this? I mean technically it isn't even her fault. It was a restaurant policy-"
BOOM
Kisame flinched and looked directly east, in the direction of the explosion. Coincidentally it was also the direction of the very restaurant, which they had lunch in. He slowly turned towards Itachi, shock completely etched on his features.
"Kisame, we're leaving…"
The kiri-nin blinked. "Wait, we're not even going to see if she makes it?" Sure this was wrong on so many levels, but it was still something he wouldn't mind watching. He blinked as he did a quick hand seal, "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" With that, another Kisame appeared. After instructing the clone to watch over the waitress, he immediately took off after Itachi, clearly disappointed and a little creeped out, "Geez…it used to be that you would just kill somebody who pissed you off…"
Ninety five percent of the time, Itachi could be quite emotionless. Unfortunately, that rare five percent could be utterly terrifying if you ever got on his bad side. There were ten things that you never did to Itachi. That annoying waitress broke every single one, except numbers one and eight. Itachi had been positive that she was doing number nine in her head.
"And so my clone caught up to us two days later and handed me a huge ass bag filled with disposable cameras." Kisame gestured towards the large pile of photos that were on the table. Apparently the Flames of Justice festival had a new attraction this year. In other words, the waitress didn't make it to her home in time. After watching the event go on for about an hour, the clone quickly purchased a large amount of disposable cameras.
Kisame, Deidara, and Sasori were all crowded around a table within a large cave, the latter actually decided to come out of his puppet Hiruko and walk around freely for a while. Akatsuki didn't have an official hide out, seeing as Pein had numerous bases hidden not only throughout Ame, but the rest of the elemental countries as well. So, each hidden base had a healthy, unhealthy to normal people, supply of sake and other alcoholic beverages and almost every member had a small table sealed into a sealing scroll.
"Geez Itachi, you kind of overreacted back there didn't you, yea?" The comment came from the sole blonde member of Akatsuki, always willing to take a shot at the Uchiha, no matter how miniscule.
Knowing that Itachi was just going ignore Deidara, Kisame was actually the one who chose to answer, "Please…he does that all the time. You ever hear the story of what happened to that old fisherman who called him little Itachi-kun." Though neither seemed to answer, he could clearly see that he had both Deidara's and Sasori's undivided attention.
"He covered him with blood, hung him off a cliff with a rope, keeping him two inches away from the open ocean, and used a large amount of blood to draw in a few sharks."
"He used the old man's blood to draw the shark?" the question came from Sasori.
Kisame actually blinked at that, before turning to Itachi, "Actually, I don't think you physically harmed that old man…so whose blood was that anyway?"
Itachi shrugged.
Ignoring the former question, "Was he up there long, yea?"
"No, the next morning, after the sake wore off, he felt guilty so we went back and let the old man go." Kisame gave a toothy grin, "Clearly pissed off the sharks though, so we threw in this corpse we found..." Kisame gave Itachi a questioningly look "Is that where you got the blood? Did we kill anyone while we were over there."
Itachi shrugged again, clearly not remembering the event.
Kisame sighed, this was the type of thing that always drove him crazy.
Both Sasori and Deidara blinked looking directly at Itachi. Suddenly, all there annoying little issues seemed very miniscule. "It sounded like a beautiful trap though."
"Nah master Sasori, he was up there too long to be considered beautiful. And he didn't even go out with a bang, yea."
Rolling his eyes and before those two could go into another discussion on what true art was, he gestured towards Itachi, "You should tell them exactly why you slaughtered your whole clan and what you did to your little brother."
Both Deidara and Sasori turned towards Itachi. They had both heard the rumors of the last Uchiha of Konohagakure no Sato, but actually knew very little about it. Receiving a nod from Sasori, Deidara voiced the question, "Why did you slaughter your whole clan and what did you do to your little brother…yea?"
Itachi closed his eyes in pure recollection, not even asking himself why he suddenly felt like sharing this information. "It all started nine years ago."
---Flashback: nine years ago---
"Waahhhhh!!!"
Itachi watched in no small amount of disdain as his three-year-old brother continued crying like no tomorrow. Apparently the little runt had just learned that slamming one's head into a table was probably not the best idea in the world.
"I know…I know…" his father coddled the child from a few feet away, looking through a large chest. He finally gave off a warm smile before pulling out a familiar black object.
Itachi's eyes widened as his father gave his little brother a familiar looking black raven plushie. His black raven plushie, Momo-chan. The baby immediately stopped crying upon receiving the stuffed animal and immediately cuddled it to his chest.
"Father…that's Momo-chan."
Glancing over at his oldest son, he quickly turned back to his youngest, analyzing the plush in the process. "Indeed it is, I thought your mother threw that ratty thing away."
Itachi's eye twitched.
"Hmmm, seems that Sasuke-chan loves it as much as you did."
"That's my plush."
Fugaku looked at his eldest son skeptically. "Oh…Itachi, you're far too old to be playing with such a silly toy." He said before walking away with his youngest in his arms.
Itachi's eyes twitched again.
---Present---
Both Sasori and Deidara looked at Itachi, the latter with a slightly shocked look on his face, as the Uchiha cuddled a small black raven plushie. Itachi just shocked somebody who turns people into puppets and someone else who blows people up on a whim. "So you destroyed your entire clan…over a stuffed animal, yea?"
Itachi nodded, giving Momo-chan a small kiss on the tip of its beak.
It wasn't uncommon for Deidara to ask Itachi numerous questions, questions that the Uchiha at times chose to answer. He'd been looking for Itachi's weakness for years now, you never knew what kind of info would prove to be somebody's undoing, but this was just too…creepy. 'Hmmm, though the idea of transforming Itachi's precious Momo-chan into art is quite intriguing.'
On the outside, Sasori was mostly apathetic, obviously because his whole body was actually a puppet. On the inside, the master puppet-user was thinking some things along the same lines as Deidara, sans the homicidal thoughts towards Itachi. Hell, he'd more than likely kill Deidara, not even bothering to turn the man into a puppet, before he'd kill Itachi. Simply had more reason.
Kisame was listening very intently to the whole exchange, 'Holy shit! …That waitress was going after women too.' Or…maybe he was completely ignoring the whole thing. Kisame carefully put some of the newly found photos into his cloak, careful not to reveal the contents to his comrades. It didn't take him long to realize Itachi had finished his story though. "If you think that's fucked up", Kisame immediately got the other two ninja's attention, "Tell them what you told- hey wait a minute, how the hell is it that you do unlock the Magenkyo Sharingan anyway?"
"Indeed, out of pure curiosity, how is it that you came to activate it when so many other Uchiha before you have failed?" the question came from Sasori, obviously curious. What Itachi didn't know was that Sasori had one of Itachi's old relatives, a distant cousin, amongst his enormous collection of puppets. She, the puppet, could still use her Sharingan, however if it were possible to activate it's Magenkyo…
The three of them turned towards Itachi, "Well?"
Normally it was next to impossible to get any non-mission related information out of Itachi. Luckily, the youngest member of the four had already downed two cups of sake, which always loosened his tongue. "It is actually something that only Uchiha Male are able to achieve. A Female will never be able to achieve the Magenkyo. Don't ask me why exactly, as I have no clear answer." Seeing nods from the Kisame and Deidara, and strangely an annoyed sigh from Sasori, he decided to continue. "The key to the Magenkyo is to have sex-"
Deidara blinked, "That's it? How is it that none of the other hundreds of male Uchiha weren't able to activate it in the past? Assuming that all of them aren't born eunuch and all the women aren't impregnated from an outside source." Deidara actually grinned at his own suggestion. He actually found such a ridiculous idea to be quite amusing…yea.
Kisame gave an odd look as well, "Didn't you say that only two other Uchiha activated the Magenkyo in the past?"
Itachi's eye twitched at being interrupted, perhaps that's something he should add to the list. "The key is to have sex…and give your partner an orgasm."
That idea was perhaps a lot better than Deidara's eunuch theory. Both Kisame and Sasori began snickering at that comment, as Deidara asked. "So the key is to get laid and push your partner's buttons? And that means in the history of the Uchiha clan, only three members have been able to…damn that's really kinda sad, yea."
"Damn…that means you first had sex at latest at age…damn." Kisame gained a newfound respect for his partner. "So tell them what you did to your brother."
Itachi shrugged as he kept holding Momo-chan. "I gave him a series of psychic suggestions, so to speak. Once he completes one, he'll suddenly remember that I told him he would also have to do the next one that pops into his head. The first one was, that to unlock the Magenkyo, he would need to kill his best friend."
"And…" Kisame said with a smirk.
Itachi shrugged, "And if he manages to do that, he'll activate the next psychic suggestion, telling him that he needs to dye all of his hair pink as step two. All of his hair."
"And…"
"And if he does that, the next one will tell him to permanently forgo the use of clothing."
Kisame grinned at that, if the rumors from Itachi's spies were accurate, that last one would effectively get the kid raped by some crazed fan girl, despite the pink drapes and carpet. Who knows, maybe Itachi really does want him to develop the Magenkyo "And…"
"Get himself sodomized by a man that is missing one arm and one leg."
-X-
Somewhere far away, Danzou sneezed.
-X-
"And then he has to swim in a pile of horse manure for twenty four hours."
"And…"
"AND?" Deidara shouted in more than a little shock. "How many fucking psychic suggestions did you lock up in that kid."
"Eighteen."
"And this is all because your father gave him your plush raven, yea?"
"That's right", Itachi replied in a perfectly calm voice.
Both Sasori and Deidara nodded. They unknowingly agreed on one thing, Itachi is the most fucked up bastard to ever come out of Konoha, a place that produced the three sannin: who were each messed up in so...so many different ways.
"You ever think of getting some counseling, yea?"
Sasori nodded, "The Sandaime Kazekage had suggested that for me as well, said that it would be healthy. Before his untimely death, he gave me a card to a well known psychiatric practice that is actually close by."
Kisame blinked, "Wait…untimely death? Didn't you kill the Sandaime Kazekage?"
"Yea, now that I think about it, I killed him by using wind chakra and stabbing him in the heart with that very card." The simple proclamation caused the other members, even Itachi to sweat drop. Sasori immediately pulled out a scroll before opening it and smearing some blood on it. Almost immediately, one of his puppets appeared from his scroll. It was the Sandaime Kazekage.
The other three ninjas blinked as they watched Sasori opened the former Kage's chest plate. On the inside of the chest plate were the words…
'Sasori Rulez'
'Kages are ma bitches'
'P-p-p-p-uppet P-p-ower!'
And strangely enough, a carving of a chibi Sasori, making a peace sign.
Itachi moved his head to the side, barely avoiding being hit by an apple core, which Sasori threw from the Kazekage's chest. An empty bag of potato chips, pizza crusts, empty cups of instant ramen, banana peel…
"So, you just never throw away any of your trash?" asked Kisame as he avoids getting hit by yet another apple core.
"Hmmm, I suppose I got accustomed to my grandmother picking up after me. Seems she chose to stop doing so after I…tried to kill her and fled the village. Here it is", said the puppet users as he held up a card for Itachi to take.
Blinking, the teenager just took the card and began scanning it.
The three teenagers flinched, as the door was immediately slammed open. They jumped up to meet their client. The only female of the group was the first who spoke, "Daisuke-san, we finished moving all the boxes, so…" The man, Daisuke, immediately pushed passed them, "…we'll be leaving now if you don't mind."
Daisuke immediately turned towards the pink haired girl, "What do you mean, you're leaving?" He looked at the clock, "I should still have you ninjas for another hour."
"Yea but we don't have anything left to do", the statement came from the blonde of the group. It was kinda ridiculous really, hiring ninjas to move around furniture and other boxes. Though they were being paid for a C-ranked mission, which was technically a D-ranked mission. None of them even understood what kind of jackass hired three trained ninjas, from a distant village, to move stuff around.
Daisuke glared at the blonde, "Well since your still on my dime, why don't you three take care of some of our customers." Unfortunately, since this was suppose to be just a day for Team 7 to do grunt work, most of Daisuke's colleagues left for a fishing trip…bastards. Regrettably, the secretaries, who were also taking the day off, accidentally scheduled many clients. The trio of ninjas blinked as they suddenly saw Daisuke smile. "That would be perfect, all four of you-" the trio looked to the side just as Kakashi walked in. They were actually surprised that Daisuke saw him before either of they did, "-will help me with my last five clients." An hour with each customer would mean that he would be here for another five hours, plus any time he spent between the meetings. If the four ninjas helped though, he could be out of the building in an hour, easily.
Kakashi quietly walked into the room. It actually had a very calming atmosphere. The floors were hardwood, the walls were white. There was a lit fireplace in the corner. His patient was lying down on a leather couch. He decided to sit down on the leather chair right next to it.
He held a binder under his left arm, which contained a long list of: mental illnesses, symptoms, and possible cures. Daisuke had given each of them one.
He looked at the woman lying on the couch. She was actually quite beautiful. Long brown hair, hourglass figure, blue eyes, ruby red lips, and bronze skin. She looked to be around her twenties. She was actually wearing a rather skimpy dress.
The silver-haired Jounin looked at his patient, "Good morning, my name is Kakashi and I'll be your doctor today. So, what's the problem?"
The woman gave him a cute smile, "Honestly, I don't think I have a problem."
"Oh?" He was hoping this would be quick, simple, and that he would be able to go back to reading his book a.s.a.p. Unfortunately, it appeared the woman was going to be difficult. Perfect. "So, why are you here?"
The woman gave out a sigh, looking upset for the first time. "My mother is the one who thinks I have a problem, and she insisted I come here…"
"So why does your mother think you belong here?" Kakashi asked. Maybe he'd be able to get back to his book after all.
"Well…she said I should either come here, or a sex-oholics anonymous help group." She said with that same cute smile.
Kakashi nearly destroyed the folder under the strength of his grip.
"She had me on lock down for close to two weeks. The help group wouldn't have another meeting for another three weeks, so I decided to come here for help." She was giving him a very obvious look. "I've been so lonely these last couple of weeks."
"Umm…" was the temperature rising? "Give me a second." He began looking through the book, looking for nymphomania. He found it quickly enough, and found a warning in large bold letters.
'DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH PATIENTS'
"So-" Kakashi looked up at the woman. "-are you planning to use that book to…help me?"
Kakashi looked back down to the book's warning before closing it and, in a move that would have made Jiraiya proud, chucking it over his shoulder. "The book is more of a guideline…"
Sakura sat down on the chair. The room was almost exactly like the one Kakashi was in. "So what's your problem." She looked at the blonde man in front of her.
"I don't have a problem." He said a little too quickly. "I came here with my three…coworkers." It was actually true. Kisame had decided to come here to mess with the psychologists' head. Both Sasori and Itachi decided to follow almost immediately, refusing to give any actual reasons for deciding to come. Deidara had been dragged along…literally they dragged him.
Sakura looked at the blonde with more than a bit of skepticism. Daisuke had told them that some patients may be reluctant to speak with them. "So tell me about your childhood."
"My childhood was normal." He said once again a little too quickly. "What's the big deal." Her smile was infuriating him.
"I just want to know a little more about you."
"Why don't you say what you actually mean, I am fucking tired of your mind games you damn slut. You want to go bitch." Deidara had gotten off of his couch and was now standing over a slightly scared Sakura. "I will fucking blow you up. You hear me bitch, I will turn you into fucking art!" He said while pointing at her.
Sakura was now scared. 'I know Dasuke said that some patients may get a bit defensive…but this is ridiculous'. Her eyes turned to the right wall. 'And why is someone banging on that wall."
Daisuke stared at his patient, "So tell me about your childhood."
"To be honest, I don't remember much before I entered the academy. I was teamed up with this girl that basically became a sister to me. Then the officials at the academy ordered me to kill her…so I did."
Daisuke's eyes widened at that statement. He looked at the blue-skinned man with more than a little fear.
Kisame mentally grinned. It was a pity he had been forced to seal Samehada in a scroll along with most of his equipment…it would have made such a nice prop. He wondered how long it would take before the man ran away screaming to the nearest authorities, "And then I made a wallet out of her skin."
Sasuke and Sasori stared at each other. Neither said anything.
Naruto mentally sighed as he walked through the door and into the room the patient was waiting. He took a moment to admire the décor before walking to the couch.
"Yo! My name's Uzumaki Naruto!" the blonde said with a smile on his face.
The dark man regarded the boy emotionlessly, though on the inside, his mind was working a mile a minute. 'The Kyuubi Jinchuuriki.' The damn kid that he would have to catch in a few years was standing right in front of him, as his apparent psychologist? Somewhere faraway, some asshole was probably getting a kick out of this… "Uchiha Itachi." The man said simply. He couldn't do a damn thing. They weren't supposed to catch the container for another three years. They did have a mission to check up on the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki in a few months, sometime after the Chunin Exams that would be held in Konoha, but they wouldn't be prepared to extract any of the demons for another three years. Thinking about it, he actually shouldn't have even used his real name.
"Uchiha?" Naruto blinked a few times, 'Why does that name sound so familiar?' Naruto took a quick look at the man, annoyed that he still couldn't get a good look at him. "So tell me why you're here."
"You're rather young to be doing this kind of thing." Young had nothing to do with Itachi's true inquiry, though it was true that Naruto was too young for this kind of work. He was trying to draw out how the boy, a ninja, could suddenly become a psychologist, without letting out the fact that Itachi KNEW the boy WAS a ninja.
The blonde grinned, "What can I say, I'm a prodigy!" Naruto actually had to pat himself on the back for that one. It was rare for him to think that quickly in non-combat situations.
At the same time, Itachi's head was in overdrive again. The boy was a fast thinker, and ambiguously evasive. And those clothes…someone with such an obvious great mind wearing something so…non-ninja-like was boggling his mind. Could he be some kind of master of hiding himself in the open?
"So, tell me your problem?"
Watching the boy carefully, he decided to silently continue his observations. He may not be able to capture the boy at this moment, but that didn't mean he couldn't get as much information as possible now. "My…co-workers tell me that I have difficulties controlling my temper."
"Ok" Naruto said quickly as he started flipping through the book that Daisuke had just given him. Unfortunately, the damn book was annoyingly huge. 'What the hell is the psychological name for anger?' "So, give me some examples."
Itachi let out a long sigh at that. "Well, there was an incident a few months where an eight-year-old, one of those intellectual prodigies at some very prestigious university, called me vacuous. After checking a dictionary, to confirm the meaning, I went back…"
---Flashback---
The boy could only watch in silent tears, he was gagged with both of the socks he had been wearing, as all of his stuffed animals were slowly burning just a few feet away from him. He was tied up, sitting on a chair, and shaking in horror at the man that was next to him.
There were a variety of blades, all of them both rusty and bloodstained, in a table next to him. There was also…him…
The man standing next to the table, fingering one of the rusty blades. Red eyes glaring wholes into the young child. "So…am I still stupid?"
"What the hell are you doing?"
Itachi glanced back at Kisame who was standing by the doorway of the kid's room. "I'm just talking to my little friend here."
"Please tell me you're not torturing the kid because you think he's the one who called you stupid."
Itachi raised an eyebrow, "Because I think he's the one who called me stupid?
Kisame raised an eyebrow, "Damn it Itachi…you were still suffering from that flash bang when that happened. That isn't the right kid. Hell it isn't even the right gender."
Itachi blinked before looking back at the kid. Kisame sighed as he walked over and cut the kid loose with a spare kunai. "Sorry kid…nothing personal."
The kid looked at the two with absolute horror in his eyes.
Kisame snarled at the boy, "What? You think you had a reason to be scared just now kid. I'll fucking give you something to be scared of right now you little shit." He grabbed his Samahade off his back. The kid's eyes widened before he took off, running and screaming. Kisame growled as he turned back to his partner. "Come on, let's go find that girl so we can leave."
---End Flashback---
"So after we finally found the girl, she was sleeping at the time, we simply moved her bed onto the nearby river and let it, and her, flow downstream. The river was a few miles long, so whatever happened to her is anyone's guess."
Unbeknownst to the Uchiha, the boy was just looking on in horror. Daisuke warned him that some of his patients may have killed other people before, hell considering his chosen profession this really shouldn't have even been that big of a deal, but still…Naruto began flipping through the notebook that Dasiuke had given him. 'Technical term for anger? Homicide is the technical term for murder right?' he thought as he continued flipping through the pages. "So…I didn't know that beds could float…how'd you get it out without the girl waking up?"
Though the man on the couch began a long explanation, Naruto wasn't actually listening. He was to busy flipping through the book, when he managed to come to a section that listed various disorders, most of them including rage and homicide. "You seem to be spending an awful lot time reading that book." Itachi suddenly wondered if that was some type of bingo book. Could he, Naruto, be a Hunter-nin?
Naruto blinked. He hadn't even seen Itachi turn around. "Oh…well, I'm just using it as a guide to help me figure out what's wrong with ya." He quickly skimmed through the first disorder he found with similar symptoms, and his stomach immediately twisted in a knot. 'This can't be right…'
"Well, is it helping?" Naruto was never the sharpest kunai in the pouch, even he had to admit that, but he clearly knew when someone was being sarcastic. He could tell that Itachi was quite skeptical of this whole process. Hell, he couldn't blame the guy, he really didn't believe in shrinks either. The fact that he was just thrown into a situation like this didn't help things either.
Naruto chuckled nervously, "Well, maybe, if you happened to have killed your father." Naruto started laughing even more at that thought-
"I did." Another piece of information that the nuke-nin should not have shared, though if Itachi's hypothesis was correct and the boy was a hunter-nin…he obviously already knew that.
And Naruto stopped laughing. And then he just stared at Itachi. He blinked a couple of times. "Really…"
"Yes."
Naruto didn't know how he knew, but he knew that the man was telling the truth. He quickly buried his face in the book. "Umm…well I think that you may have what is called an…O-die-puse Complex."
In his whole life, Itachi's face had never turned so red, "I don't suppose you're trying to say an Oedipus Complex."
The blonde immediately started nodding his head vigorously. "Yea that sounds right. Have you ever thought about having sex with your mom." He looked straight at the older boy.
He didn't think it was possible but his face actually became a few shades redder. "No." His left hand was twitching ever so slowly towards his kunai pouch. This boy…was he pressing his buttons to get him to lower his guard? Or was he being serious. He truly hated that he couldn't actually attack/beat/maim/burn him.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I'm sure." He said with a slightly raised voice. Damn it all, it was getting much harder not to kill this damn blonde.
"You know we have", Naruto checked back to the very front of the book, "doctor-patient confidentiality."
"I realize that, but I never have…" he said through gritted teeth. He was beginning to shake somewhat.
Naruto thought he heard a bit of restrained anger, but chose not to comment on it. "Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery-"
"I NEVER FUCKING THOUGHT ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH MY MOM!"
In three separate rooms, six different people looked in the direction of the scream in utter shock. Three of them shuddered at the thought. Members of Akatsuki were known to tease, mock, and generally just haze the hell out of each other whenever they learned intimate details regarding there comrades. One of the reasons that most of the members of Akatsuki, didn't get along very well.
Some things, however, were better off NEVER brought up again. A silent agreement between the three.
Kisame turned back to his doctor, who had just now focused his attention back to Kisame. "So let me show you how I stabbed that last guy."
The doctor's eyes widened as Kisame grabbed his neck and pulled out and kunai.
Sasuke had been looking in the direction of the scream for quite a while now. 'No…he wouldn't be here.'
"So you were telling me how your father always seemed to favor your brother."
Sasuke turned back to Sasori, who was sitting on the chair cradling the guide. He still had no idea how there positions become reversed. They had both started sharing some details about each other, when Sasori had gotten up and said they should switch spots.
After the man got up, ripped the thrice-damned page out of the book, somehow burned it without any visible hand signs, and went back to the couch Naruto silently deduced that the man probably didn't have an Oedipus Complex.
The blonde looked back towards the next page. "Are you gay."
Itachi's head immediately snapped towards the blonde.
Naruto shrugged, "The next one suggests you have issues regarding latent homosexual urges."
That answered it; the blonde was testing his sanity. He was obvious an expert of psychological warfare. "…Maybe you should put the book down."
"But the book says-"
"Put. The. Book. Down."
The blonde sighed before just chucking the damn thing over his shoulder, ignoring the thump that it made when it hit the ground.
He just looked at Itachi. The rogue Uchiha looked back at him to.
"Ummm…so what's up?" He truly didn't know how to handle this. Hell, he really didn't know if he wanted to handle it.
And Itachi continued to stare at him.
"So…do you travel often?"
"Yes" the kid obviously knew he was a missing-nin. Was he trying to deduce if he stayed at a certain place?
"I thought I saw you use a jutsu. Are you a ninja?"
"Yes" was there some kind of reason the kid was asking him such an obvious question? Was he playing ignorant?
"Cool, what village do you belong to."
A trick? Was he trying to get him to reveal that he was from Konoha, or was he trying to get him to reveal if he was working for another village. Technically, he was working for the leader of Ame. 'Better make up a lie.' "Iwa in Earth Country. How do you know so much about the villages." He had to get the kid to start talking about himself.
The blonde shrugged, "Like I said, I'm a prodigy." Naruto had to mentally pat himself on the back for this. He had been on a ball all day. He had been told not to let anyone know that he was a ninja.
Itachi was beginning to get annoyed - well more annoyed. The kid truly was good at evading questions and with simple answers to. He looked down at Naruto's hands. "I noticed some cuts on your fingers-" he lied, Naruto's hands were flawless, most likely due to the demon's influence, "-do you handle knives often."
Without even looking down at his hands, "Do I have cuts on my fingers?" He was looking up at the ceiling. "I was cooking for myself earlier and I cut myself a few times. Don't they have any psychologists in Earth Country, it's pretty far isn't it?" In all honesty, Naruto didn't know where Earth Country was. But they were in Fire Country, so it seemed like a valid question.
Itachi's eyes narrowed. The kid's wits were sharp. Itachi silently wondered how the kid would do in actual combat.
"And so I just went up to him and broke his neck." Kisame scratched his chin. "To be honest, I don't even know why I did that, he was just standing there. Guess I got bored or something."
Daisuke gulped.
"And if my team wasn't bad enough, I have a sensei who never shows up on time."
Finally figuring out whom the kid was, Sasori tried to picture him with pink hair.
"I think I need a cup of water", Sakura stuttered out, while staring at the kunai that Deidara was fingering. There was a certain twitch in his eye.
"Yea…why don't you go get your 'cup of water'." Deidara replied with a glare.
She didn't even need the confirmation. She immediately ran to the door.
"I think we're getting off topic." Itachi said quickly. He was having next to no luck getting the kid to talk about himself, so he thought it'd be best to switch topics until he could think of a better strategy. "You're suppose to help me with my anger issues…"
The blonde nodded, though he mentally sighed. He still wasn't sure how to go about this. 'Hmmm, wonder what old man Hokage would do in this situation?" After a moment of thought, he smiled. He, Naruto, use to have the bad habit of losing his temper. Naruto's temper tantrums were obviously eclipsed by Itachi's…but still. Regarding his temper, he clearly remembered receiving three pieces of advice on three separate occasion: one from the Hokage, one from Iruka, and one from Kakashi.
Before he met Iruka, he came to the Hokage with all his problems, including his temper tantrums. Though he didn't understand what he meant at the time, he always remembered the Hokage's words. "Too be an effective ninja, you have to learn to control your emotions and not let them control you. In my personal experience, I always found meditation a great tool to help one control their emotions, especially anger."
Naruto shook his head. Itachi already seemed like the type to meditate. Despite what he, Itachi, has been telling him, the older boy seems to have had a good control over his emotion. So the path of meditation was probably a moot point.
He then thought of what Iruka told him. "I always found exercise too be a good tool. Whenever I get angry I try punching a log or throwing kunai. However, any physical exercise that will get your mind off of what's made you angry will suffice. It does wonder to relieve stress and even turns it into something positive."
Once again, Naruto shook his head. Itachi was a ninja, and he already looked pretty built. Most likely, the guy exercised regularly.
The piece of advice was from Kakashi. "I personally prefer porn or sex." He then glanced at a red faced Sakura. "I'd stick to porn though, until you're older."
Naruto smiled. Itachi obviously wasn't restricted by age, so… Now if he could just use his sudden jump of mentality to find a subtle way to phrase his next question. "I bet you haven't had sex in a very long time…"
Or…to hell with subtlety.
----three very awkward minutes later---
"THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY SEX LIFE!"
A startled Kisame looked back in the direction of the room Itachi was in. 'What the hell are they talking about in there?' Kisame asked himself silently. He turned towards a sniveling Daisuke, prone on the floor, who's attention was caught by Itachi's outburst.
"Anyway, I was thinking we could turn this into a weekly thing. I'll come by every now and then." He could have probably tortured the man for another fifteen minutes, to make a full hour, but something told him he better get Itachi out of here as soon as possible. "I mean, I only got to when I just turned fifteen, and my problems don't even begin to take off until I become old enough to drink." He smiled when he saw Daisuke pale.
Naruto looked in the direction that Itachi had just left from and sighed. The whole situation, meeting Itachi, just reminded him of another thing that Iruka once taught him, "Some people just can't take criticism."
"YO!"
"AAAHHHHHH!" Naruto jumped at the voice and turned to see the rest of his team. Naruto blinked, "Where did you guys come from?" He noticed that both Sasuke and Sakura seemed to be panting somewhat.
"A simple Shunshin." He then glanced at Sasuke and Sakura. "First timers always get a little queasy, but that's not important right now. We got to leave and now."
After she stopped panting, she glared at her sensei. "Why?" He had just grabbed her and used that thrice damned jutsu on her…and then once more when they appeared next to Sasuke. They didn't even get an explanation.
Kakashi looked a little worried, "It seems there was another mistake in the paper work, Daisuke has another five patients waiting outside."
If Naruto and Sasuke look distressed, Sakura looked absolutely horrified. "B-b-b-ut our times up." She looked up to a nearby clock, "This mission officially ends in another fifteen minutes. We don't have time to take on any more patients."
Kakashi gave her a nod, "That's true, but the client has the option to extend the mission if he feels that he still has need of us." All three genin paled at that.
"Are they bad?"
In truth, Kakashi wasn't quite sure. All he knew, was that none of them were women, which obviously left the copycat-nin uninterested. Though after today's event, he probably wouldn't even need his little orange book for a long time. Kakashi's visible eye turned into an upside down smile, "Do you want to find out?"
All three shook their heads.
Outside of the room Itachi had met up with both Sasori and Deidara. The former seemed calm and quite amused – which was odd – and the latter seemed quite upset.
He couldn't blame Deidara. He truly didn't know why he had allowed himself to be talked into coming here. It was almost a complete waste of time. Almost.
He did gain some insight into the mind of the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki. The boy had all but declared war on him, which Itachi was more than pleased to accept after the near hour of psychological torture. He had a sharp wit, and Itachi was willing to wager that he was just as strong. 'I definitely won't be able to hold back when I attack.'
Hearing a door open, he turned to see Daisuke all but run out the door, with Kisame coming behind him at a casual pace. Strange…Kisame seemed…giddy?
After getting behind a table, Daisuke turned towards the four individuals, "So the four of you are together." He was still looking down, doing everything he could to avoid looking Kisame in the eye.
The other three members of the Akatsuki ignored the behavior, either only guessing what Kisame might have said to put the man in such a pathetic state. It was Sasori who took a step forward. "So what do we owe you?"
"Well, the four of you were only in there for about fifty minutes, but company policy dictates I charge you for the full hour."
His eyes momentarily widened before Itachi activated his Sharingan, "What did you just say?"
Team seven was on the road again, about two hours away from the city where Daisuke's practice was. They would probably be at Konoha in another hour or so. It was at that point that Naruto paused mid step, gathering looks from the rest of his companions.
"Why are you stopping Naruto?" the question came from his sensei, who surprisingly didn't have his nose buried in the book. Naruto also noticed that the man looked much happier and more giddy, for some reason.
"UCHIHA!" Naruto snapped his fingers as he turned towards Sasuke.
The Uchiha gave Naruto a weird look, "What do you want dobe?" He was quite put off by Naruto suddenly referring to him by his family name. The dobe was always so familiar with everyone.
"I remember where I heard that name before. Your last name is Uchiha also." Naruto proclaimed while pointing at Sasuke. Kakashi began to sweat…for some reason, he didn't like where this was going.
Sasuke rolled his eyes, "Yea…great insight there dumbass."
"Wait-" Sakura began, "also?"
Naruto nodded, "Yea, Sasuke has the same last name as my patient, that Itachi guy." He then looked at Sasuke, whose face was turning red, "Are you two related?"
Time seemed to slow down for Sasuke, while he tried to comprehend what he just heard.
"WHAT!"
A/N: And that's the end of the story. Please review...obey me...
OBEY ME!