Disclaimer: don't own anything except OCs and plot, and what a weird plot it is!

Wooing Minnie

"Guess what Prongsy baby?" said the deep voice of one sexually promiscuous Sirius Black.

"What? And don't call me that or I'll hex you a decade into the future and bring you back so you can tell me about Harry Potter," replied one Quidditch obsessed Lily crazy James Potter.

"Who's that?"

"Mine and Lily's son."

"Right. Anyway guess what?"

"You said that."

"Well guess then."

"Dumbledore was eaten by purple bananas from the planet Zog who feed on milkshake from their bellybuttons and seduce dogs."

"No but close."

James gave him a weird look.

"Why am I friends with you?"

"Because you are secretly gay."

"What! You read my diary?!"

"What! You really are gay?!"

"No I was joking."

"Blimey you almost gave me heart failure."

"ANYWAY! What were you going to tell me?"

"I asked out McGonagall and she said yes."

"WHAT? Really?" By this time they'd walked into the Great Hall for lunch and everyone looked at them.

"Now why do you have to go and spoil my daydreams?"

"Phew."

But unbeknownst to them, they had been eavesdropped on by a shady individual who went the name of Angela Cooper. Now Angela Cooper was not a nice person. She was a typical bitch. She'd do anything to be popular. In fact she was popular. And she didn't get there easily. Oh no she'd lied and cheated and even betrayed her best friend. Just to be friends with and date the A crowd. Anything to be a part of their parties. And now she'd just got her ears on the juiciest piece of (Fake) gossip ever to roam the hallowed hall of Hogwarts. Sirius Black was dating Minerva McGonagall. And James Potter was gay.

Now of course she didn't listen to the whole conversation. Only the 'important' bits.

"Hey Sara guess what?" she whispered into the ear of her new best friend. And so convo by convo the whole of Hogwarts thought they 'knew'.

Not that James and Sirius noticed of course, they were used to people staring at them, normally for their good looks. But eventually word reached to the ears of a certain group of 6th year Gryffindors.

Alice burst in while Lily and Scarlett were painting their nails and gossiping.

"Guys you'll never guess what Geneva Clopin just told me!" she said, her voice shaking with excitement.

"What?" said Scarlett looking up from her neon green toes.

"Sirius Black is going out-"

"That's nothing new," interjected Lily

"No wait! With Professor McGonagall!"

They still looked blank.

"Professor McGonagall what?" said Lily.

"Sirius Black is going out with Minerva McGonagall," she said pausing after each word.

"No way," said Lily knocking over her bottle of blackberry polish.

"But she's a teacher," said Scarlett.

"Exactly! Ooh scandalous," squealed Alice leaping on her bed.

Anne and Irina burst in.

"Guess what?" said Irina.

"We know about Sirius," said Lily.

"Sirius? What about Sirius? Anyway-" said Anne.

"JAMES POTTER IS GAY!" They said together.

"SIRIUS BLACK IS GOING OUT WITH MINERVA MCGONAGALL!" they shouted back.

"No really?!" said Anne. They went and sat on their beds.

"What's wrong Lily?"asked Irina who knew her better than anyone else.

"Nothing… it's just that…well… IthinkIfancyPotterImeanJames," she said all at once.

Four jaws hit the floor.

"Lily Marie Evans fancies James Charlus Potter," said Alice in a daze.

Lily blushed.

"You succumbed to his charm" proclaimed Scarlett dramatically.

Lily threw a pillow at her.

"His gay charm," added Anne.

"Oh yeah! How dare that bastard chase after you until you fancy him and then turn out to be gay?!" said Alice throttling her bedpost.

"But wow, he's going out with a professor! I didn't know he was that floozy," said Irina.

"So he's a floozy idiot? A floozy idiot whom you fancy?" said Scarlett raising her eyebrows.

"Maybe."

"I'll take that as a yes. Irina Harmony Carmel fancies Sirius Orion Black." Scarlett narrowly missed a flying kamikaze pillow.

"Well, well, well, we are in love," said Alice grinning.

"What about you and Frank's long bottom?" said Lily

"Stop calling him that! He's a great guy!"

"And Scarlett can have Remus whom she's already dating and that leaves Peter and Anne," the other four looked at Anne for approval.

"I don't know, he's kinda pudgy and stupid."

"Stupid is the new cute according to Witch Weekly," said Alice.

"Fine."

And all the while, Peter who had been under Lily's bed snooping, scurried off to tell the Marauders.

McGonagall stood in the hallway inspecting the next generation. Almost all of the students who walked past her gave her a confused glance. She raised her head. No doubt this had something to do with that sixth year from which she'd confiscated a Fanged Frisbee. A fourth year glanced at her and whispered to her friend. McGonagall leant in slightly to eavesdrop.

"Didn't you know? Sirius Black's going out with McGonagall."

McGonagall's lips tightened. So, Black was spreading rumours was he? Well let's see how he'd respond to a triple detention every Saturday and Sunday. She marched to the common room. The Fat Lady let her in without a password. She faced them.

"Where is Sirius Black?"

All the eyes in the room widened. So the rumours were true. Here she was looking for him.

"He's not here or in his dorm," said a brave second year.

McGonagall turned on her heel and left.

As it turned out, Sirius happened to be in the library for the first time in living memory. He found Remus sitting at a table. He looked up. Remus seized him by the wrist and led him behind a deserted shelf.

"Moony, I don't like you in that way," said Sirius smirking.

"Why did you spread that rumour? McGonagall was looking for you."

"What rumour?"

"That one about you asking out McGonagall and her saying yes."

"I have never said- actually yes I have! But that was a joke! Someone must have heard it."

"And there's a rumour that Prongs is gay."

"That was a joke too. Whoever heard that was pretty dumb."

"Tell that to McGonagall."

"Would it kill you to call her Minnie?"

"She would."

There was a knock on McGonagall's door.

"Come in."

In walked – no - sauntered Sirius Black.

"So. You started this rumour-"

"I can explain."

"Save your flimsy excuses Black and let's move on to punishment."

"But-"

"I think that a triple detention every Saturday and Sunday would suffice."

"But there's a Quidditch match next Saturday!"

"There are reserve beaters."

"No! Not that! Anything but that! Don't even go there!"

"I am suspending you for 1 match."

Sirius screamed.

"Control yourself Mr. Black!"

"Look this is how it happened-"

And Sirius explained the situation to McGonagall.

They were both really not having a good day. Because as Sirius was pleading, quite loudly, Angela Cooper walked past, and after listening for a few minutes, decided that Sirius sounded quite horny (sounds can be distorted by a wooden door.) she ran to the Hufflepuff common room.

"HEY EVERYONE! Guess what I just heard?"

With the whole 'affair' resolved and behind them the next morning, McGonagall munched through a bagel with much vigour and walked back to her office. She was flooded by owls. Shooing owls off her chairs, she settled down and read first the one with the ministry of magic on it:

Minerva McGonagall,

It is my solemn duty to announce that you are on probation and are pending a Ministry inquiry in your office at 10 o'clock this morning to discuss your relationship with your student Sirius Black.

Hoping you are well,

Mafalda Hopkirk

She shooed the owls (probably from distraught parents) and incinerated the howlers and called for a cup of tea.

The Ministry inquiries team entered the room at precisely 10 on the dot. They found McGonagall sitting at her desk and the student in question at the other side of the room in a chair.

"This is the inquiry of Minerva McGonagall born March 12th 1905…" dictated a short dark man to a scribe.

The inquiry lasted 15 minutes.

"And now if you and your student could give us written reports of what happened, we can all go."

Sirius chewed his quill, thinking back. He set a small smile on his face and began to write:

"Guess what Prongsy baby?" said the deep voice of one sexually promiscuous Sirius Black.

"What? And don't call me that or I'll hex you a decade into the future and bring you back so you can tell me about Harry Potter," replied one Quidditch obsessed Lily crazy James Potter…

Love it? Hate it? I must admit it was completely random but stuck in my head where it chewed on my brain. Send me a review! Xxx