Love and Hands

*** Do you know that hands have their own mind?

They simply know when to hold someone back and when to let him go…***

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- Her room was dark.

The only light in the lab was the glow of her computer's screen.

Sitting stiffly on the chair, Ai stared at the door, somehow finding herself waiting for something. Or perhaps someone.

Everything was so familiar, the grayish background, the chemical smell, and even the thickening silence. Except the nagging part in her head that she knew incredibly realistic that she was dreaming.

Ai didn't need to pinch her cheek or kick her foot against the desk to realize that.

People didn't feel like they're being trapped inside their bodies and watching everything in front of their eyes as if they were watching a play in reality, right?

Suddenly, the sound of hurried footsteps outside broke the silence spell cast on her room.

"Three, two, one," Ai quietly counted until the door was forcefully opened.

"Bingo." She murmured as a young man stood in her doorway, grinning at her like a hyper idiot.

"Do you know that you have to knock before enter other people's rooms?" Ai raised her eyes at him in displeasure.

"Hello to you too, Haibara. How can you live in darkness like this honestly?" Shutting the door behind, he ignored her question, carefully walking to the end of the room to turn the lights on.

Ai blinked a few times, her tired eyes slowly adjusting to the flooding light. For a short second, without the darkness covering her, she felt so bare. So transparent.

As if he could see through her, see her, the one watching this dream.

But, it's impossible and ridiculous.

He, that clueless detective, couldn't see her even in real life… How could he possibly see her in this stupid dream?

"Well, how are you?" He stood next to her desk, a cheerful smile spreading across his lips.

"I'm perfectly fine and seriously, Kudo, we just met two days ago. Shouldn't your question be where the permanent antidote is?" Frowning, Ai crossed her arms against her chest defensively, masking her sadness with sarcasm.

He couldn't see the pain lying there, could he? After all, pain is invisible and intangible.

Though so many times Ai wished her pain was something solid, so that she could just throw it out the window and let it break into pieces. So that she would never feel it again.

"Nah…" He rolled his eyes but grinned widely with excitement anyway. "Where is it then?"

Ai rummaged through the drawer of her desk, took out the small glass bottle, and handed it to him. "The antidote is pretty much like the prototype you're taking, but without limited time. You will never change back into Conan. However, I'm not absolutely sure that there is no negative side effect after you took it. Risks are always there. In case, if you die, don't come back and haunt me because I have already warned you. 'kay?"

"Oi oi, Haibara…" He happily wrapped his fingers around the glass bottle, his eyes twinkling.

Even if he was risking his life, he would always run forward. Undoubtedly. Bravely. To the future without Ai. To Ran, his beloved princess.

And suddenly, his gaze shifted from the antidote to her impassive face. "What about you, Haibara?"

"What about me?" Ai stared blankly at his hands, highly doubting that she could avoid the answer for the question she hated the most.

"You know what I meant. The Organization's gone now. You don't need to hide anymore. You can change back to your normal form and restart your life. Moreover, even though you used to be one of them, you're not like them. They deceived you to invent the APTX 4869. You ran away from the Black Organization and helped us destroy those evil criminals. With your talent, you can also help the police. So…" He trailed off.

"What else do you want from me, Kudo-kun?" Ai asked in an exhausted voice, squeezing her eyes shut for a short while as she turned away from him. "What else can I give you, Kudo-kun?"

Dreaming or not, she knew some truths might never change.

In the beginning, Ai Haibara's existence was merely meant to help Kudo Shinichi bring down the syndicate and return to his old form.

But when her reason for living was gone, what would be left for her?

Time had already taken everything away from her, cruelly. She could get back neither her lost childhood nor her dear family.

Nobody was waiting for Shiho to come back. Nobody missed Shiho even if she's gone.

Why should she return to be Shiho Miyano?

Nonetheless, could she truly pretend to be Ai Haibara and go on the life of a seven-year-old girl? Could she shamelessly smile and forget her sinful past? Could she foolishly fool herself that as long as she was Haibara, her soul could be completely pure and innocent all over again?

No. She couldn't.

She was not naïve like Kudo.

Life was a white sheet of paper. Everything you wrote on that sheet of paper would forever remain there. You could cross something out but you couldn't erase it. Your acts could be corrected, but never fully forgotten or retracted.

"Haibara, I don't…" Furrowing his brows, he wavered and stopped.

Ai shrugged, passively and wearily, as if she didn't care what he's going to say. Her eyes inconspicuously traced his face and shudderingly realized how much she missed his much younger face.

Conan…

He was the only string of fate which she truly wanted to be hers.

Even though she would never ever admit out loud, he was the main reason she woke up every morning, the main reason she was able to smile, the main reason she started hoping and dreaming again.

The reason she felt so alive.

The reason tomorrow would be alright and her unforgivable sins somehow might be forgiven.

And now, the person in front of her eyes was not him.

Edogawa Conan, the mirage her drug had created, was no longer existent.

'Perhaps our encounter in this world was caused by the red string of fate but it wasn't strong enough to bind our lives together for all eternity.'

"Neh, Kudo, put your hand up." She demanded nonchalantly, although the words left her lips were barely a whisper.

Despite his confusion, he raised his hand before her face.

Slowly and hesitatingly, her hand met his, their palms hardly touching one another.

Ai stared at their unlinked hands, studying them with an unreadable expression.

While her hand was small, delicate, and so child-like, Shinichi's hand was big, warm, strong yet so gentle, protective, and carrying a sense of security.

After a few minutes, or maybe just a few long seconds, a broken smile uncertainly formed on her lips.

"Can't you see that, Kudo?" Her voice was low and gravely.

All of a sudden, something's taking over her usual strong and brave form, making her look so vulnerable. Like the glass bottle in his hand. If he didn't hold firmly, it would fall down and smash on the floor.

"Can't I see what, Haibara?" He looked at her strangely, more confused than ever.

She took her hand back, almost shakily.

"Nevermind. I just…" Ai bit her lips hard, unable to say anything as her sad eyes met his soft, liquid ones.

'I love you.

But, what can I do?

Confess my love? Is it helpful? Will you love me back? Can you love me back?

I'm always following you…and losing you…

I'm always staying beside you…but there is no way to reach you…'

Before he's going to ask what's wrong, Ai walked quickly to the end of the room. And all the lights instantly went out, drowning the room in complete darkness. Her computer had automatically shut down long ago.

"Just leave, Kudo." The sharp edge of her voice cut the suffocating silence like a razor, making him uncertain if he should come closer to her and see what her problem was.

He stood still there, and she found it harder and harder to breathe.

She felt herself fade away. Feeling herself disappear into the faint background.

'Every now and then, I wish I could have been born in another life, but I don't ever regret meeting you…

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It's just that, if I were another girl, perhaps, I would be able to be with you…

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Because I am who I am, I can only follow you.

Because I am who I am, I can only be your shadow and stand aside your life

Because I am who I am, I can only let you go, leaving me second-by-second.

Because I am who I am, I can only bury my love deep inside my heart.'

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"Please." Ai rarely said that word unless she felt the desperate need to say it.

She could feel his eyes worriedly searching for her expression. Nevertheless, he defeatedly began to head out of her lab.

Sighing in slight frustration, he turned to her before opening the door. "We'll talk later, Haibara."

The way he said it, Ai knew it was not simply a statement. It was a promise.

She nodded dumbly, clenching her fists and pushing her numb body against the cold wall.

'My hands are too small to be able to touch you

My hands are too small to be able to reach you

My hands are too small to be able to keep you…

Too small...'

When he closed the heavy door behind him, the thick darkness embraced her again, hollow, utterly empty.

"Farewell, Conan."

Even in dreams, tears still tasted so bitterly salty.

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x...x...X

- The scenes around her changed hazily.

Sometimes Ai felt like she had been blown away into another space, and when the winds brought her back, everything could never be the same.

During the time Ai was lost inside the swirly grey space between wakefulness and sleep, she realized maybe because she hadn't really tried to hold someone's hands, because she stubbornly believed that everyone would leave her like her parents, like Akemi, and like him, she allowed herself to drift away from the people who loved her the most. She tended to let go. To run and hide. To be forgotten yet not forgiven.

Ai didn't know that Conan's hands might be the warmest ones but that did not mean that other people's hands were not warm and open.

Ayumi, Mitsuhiko, and Genta had loved her like their friends.

Agasa had loved her like his own daughter.

The three children's innocent hands had friendly taken her cold ones and let her share their sacred childhood memories.

The old professor's generous hands had taken her frozen hands in the rain that day, let her stay in his house without any suspicion, and accepted her no matter who she was, Ai Haibara or Shiho Miyano. Or even none of them.

Therefore, the Ai watching this lucid dream knew that they were the main reason she returned, standing here, inside the beautiful church, and watching him nervously wait for the wedding ceremony to take place.

Still, Ai couldn't fool herself that she didn't come back to see him.

Every so often, she wondered what was so different between Conan Edogawa and Shinichi Kudo when in fact they were just the same person.

Perhaps the way they talked?

Perhaps the way they smiled?

When he made his way to her, a bright smile on his face, she was ninety nine point nine percent positive that it was not the way Shinichi smiled which made him different from Conan.

Because her heart was beating rapidly and never stopping clenching in her chest.

Because she couldn't remember what they were talking about when all she could see and pay attention was that familiar smile.

And when he turned around to walk away from her life again, her hand instinctively grabbed his hand.

Surprised, he slowly turned to Ai, giving her a puzzled look.

And she couldn't breathe.

And she couldn't hear.

And she couldn't see.

And she painfully realized, years and years, months and months, days and days, her stupid, foolish, hopeless love had never ever changed.

No matter who he was. Kudo Shinichi or Edogawa Conan.

No matter how many times Ai told herself that she wouldn't ever wanted to be the silly friend who was irrevocably in love with the main character, but ultimately never noticed in those chick flicks and soap operas. That she wouldn't be that blind to keep touching something so hot and get burned over and over again.

And yet, there she was. Like a moth to the flame.

Ai just wished she could wake up right now.

So that she could see Conan's face and his heartwarming smile that had burned through everything she was, straight into her mind like a tattoo.

So that she could listen to his blabbering about the detective books he had read.

So that she could argue with him which soccer team would win the championship this year.

So that she could feel him, like a furnace, emitting tangible heat, melting away the agony in her wintery soul.

So that she could call his name until it's all worn out.

So that she could be sure that he was still there, by her side, that he would not leave her alone any time soon.

But, reality was suddenly so far away. And the dream was so realistic that it might create false memories.

"What's wrong, Hai… No, Miyano?" He scrutinized her vacant expression, the one he could never see through.

'There are a lot of things wrong with me

I am in love with someone I shouldn't love

I ran away to desperately realize that the more I try to erase him from my memory, the more I etch his image in my heart to forever remember.

And now I'm standing here, attending his wedding and pretending as if I was the happiest friend in the world

Can I tell you that?

Do you even want to hear that?'

"Your bowtie isn't straight, Mr. Bridegroom. Don't you want to look perfect on this important day?" Ai smirked, casually fixing it for him.

'Shouldn't I get an Oscar for this role?'

He blushed, grinning sheepishly at her. "Thanks."

She shrugged, her voice modulated to reveal nothing. "Well, no biggie. You can go now. Your angel is waiting. And I'm…really happy for you, Kudo-kun."

'Your hand…

The one that I held tightly in the bus hijack incident

The one that saved me from death and depression

The one that protected me just like your promise

The one that I used to know that that hand would be out there, catching me whenever I fell down

The one that helped me fit in the new world full of laughter and joy.

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I have always known

Finally I have to let that hand go completely…'

"Thank you, Miyano." He smiled softly, appreciatively. "I will see you later then."

And like always, forever and always, she watched him walk away, out of her life. Like a dream was burned in the sky.

What left for her was nothing but grey ashes.

"Goodbye, Shinichi."

And she wished she could cry.

'Even in dreams, I can't hold you back…

Even in dreams, what I can do is hopelessly staring at your back…

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But it's okay, really.

Even though I dislike pain

Even though I never want myself to end up like this

You're happy

And that's all that matters

To me…'

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She stepped out of the church, standing in a bright, almost blinding sunlight.

Sometimes she didn't really like the sun.

She feared…

When the sun shone through her love, making her realize that maybe it didn't exist…

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Somebody said once that one-sided feelings couldn't be called love.

Love is the connection between two hearts and two souls, so it must have mutual affection.

No matter how figuratively and beautifully people use words to describe them, it's just an excuse.

'Love is like an intersection of two roads, feelings must come from two sides.

Those feelings that come from one side are no different from a one-way road, stretching on forever without a final destination…

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I love you… and… you don't love me…

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Therefore, my feelings aren't real love, ne?

My love doesn't exist at all, ne?

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I don't care what my feelings for you are…

What their name is…

Is it that important?

Is the existence of an illusion that important?

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On my one-way road, there is no intersection of yours.

On your road, my presence will never be there.

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Just love alone isn't enough, is it?

Shinichi?

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*** We went through dangerous yet glorious days together to fight the same enemy, and no matter how desperately I tried to hold back the ruins of the past, I eventually let you go in this devastating world.

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Even though I didn't want it to end before it even had a chance to begin

Even though I faithfully hoped that fate could somehow help me

In the end

We cannot hold each other's hands and jump to a future

We can't. ***

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I'm really sorry for the late update. I was busy and I have been very sick. =[ And thank you all for your awesome reviews. =}

Well, actually I consider this one the last story of this fic. Until I can find inspiration to write, you can regard it as a complete fic.