A/N: Inspired by re-watching episodes 4x12 and 4x13; notably in episode 13 when Jess comes into Luke's apartment to "get something" that he left the night before and sees Luke, Liz, and TJ there (you know, right before the infamous Luke and Jess fight) and he grabs a red notebook; you all know that was the start of his writing career :)

Dedicated to my cousin for taking the time to edit this, and all my other works.

Standard disclaimers apply.

And this is my reaction to everything I fear

Cause I've been going crazy

I don't wanna waste another minute here

- All Time Low

To Be Expected

Jess fucking hates Stars Hollow, but he supposes that he likes it best in the early morning while everyone's asleep. It looks like what he believes it to really be: a ghost town.

This town isn't real to him.

But if it's not real, then why does he remember every good and bad moment that had happened to him in this godforsaken town so clearly? He knows these streets like the back of his hand, and he's ashamed of it. He used to harbor a secret pride in the fact that he knows the streets, alleys, and avenues of New York so well. But that's because he lived there his entire life; it's to be expected.

But knowing Stars Hollow as if he's lived there his entire life? That's not acceptable.

A secret past, a memory of the deviation in his life resides here, and he doesn't want to be here for much longer. He just wants his property, that piece of junk car that he's sort of afraid of seeing again. He's afraid that there's something of hers left inside.

He bites his bottom lip and looks down the road that leads to her house. She probably (definitely) wants nothing to do with him, and he doesn't blame her in the slightest.

Rory isn't someone he wants to think about at all (does he ever willingly?) and he tries to focus on his mission: get back his car and leave, almost like he was never here.

Liz said that Luke left it in the garage that's never used and keeps under lock and key. When Jess steps up to the garage and sees the lock, he can't help but smirk. Child's play.

The padlock is on the ground faster than he can say "Ernest Hemingway," and the keys are sticking out of the ignition, as if expecting its owner to come by. If he believed in "signs" or "fate," that's what he would chalk it up as.

But he doesn't.

And he's gone.

He considers himself to be a rather intelligent, quick-thinking individual, but the only ideas that come to mind at this moment are along the lines of "fuck my life," and, "why did this have to happen here," and, "damn Luke."

Damn Luke.

If he didn't take his car, if he didn't let it rust and collect dust for months, if he didn't…

If he didn't care as much as he did.

Jess doesn't want to see Luke; that was the entire point of this. The last time he saw him…it wasn't good. That fight left his hands shaking badly. So when the police officers check his expired registration and realize that the car is apparently reported missing (again, damn Luke) they say Jess and the car have to be taken back to Stars Hollow.

"It has to be a family thing," Jess hears one of the officers, Frank, mutter to the other, Coop, and he nods in agreement.

Stuffing his hands into his pockets, he tries not to scream as he's driven back to his personal hell. He just hopes that he can remain low; so low that no one (besides Luke) will know that he's there.

And he really doesn't want to have any run-ins with any of the townspeople…especially those chatty, crazy…beautiful…Gilmores. It's bad enough that he kills himself every time he thinks about what he did to Rory; he doesn't need Rory, or Lorelai, beating him up for it. Lorelai would especially love to do it, which is expected, after how he abandoned her daughter.

But then again, it's also expected that she wouldn't even consider the possibility that his behavior in high school was hurting someone other than Rory.

Jess finds himself shaking as soon as he steps out of the police car, and he convinces himself that it's just because it's so damn cold outside.

He doesn't hear the policemen Coop and Frank talking, he blocks them out as they explain to Luke why Jess' car is miles away from Stars Hollow in ruins, why Jess is back in Stars Hollow, what the damages are…

He remembers what Coop said before, that it had to be a family thing.

Yeah. Family. Some family we are, Jess thinks to himself. He thinks about how fucked up it all is: Liz frolicking around with a new man, claiming to be sober; Jimmy at the other end of the country running a hotdog stand; Luke stomping around in flannel running a diner in a hardware store, always alone. And there's Jess, running around the country, unsure if he's running away from or chasing after something.

He's unsure about a lot of things.

"Well, look who's back," Luke says with his arms crossed over his broad chest. Jess figures he's trying to be cold and appear tough.

"I'm just here to retrieve my property," Jess responds coolly.

"You've got a lot of nerve." Huh. Luke can actually be pretty good at the whole emotionless tone. Jess supposes that maybe that's a Danes trait as well as the monosyllable talk.

"You've got a lot of nerve."

"How so?"

"You stole my car!" He thinks for a beat. "Coop should've arrested you, why didn't he arrest you?" He points a finger at Luke accusingly, and for a moment, he's disgusted that he actually remembers the cop's name, let alone reveals that.

"Free doughnuts."

Jess waves his hands, even more disgusted. "Beautiful."

Luke shrugs. "So, you got anything you want to say?"

Jess turns his head to look at his car to gather his thoughts, to prepare his next line.

I'm sorry I bailed, I'm sorry I let you down, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

He turns back around and says, "You could've washed it once in a while?"

"Okay, fine. The car is yours; our business here is done. Hasta la vista. Have a nice life."

The whole, I-don't-give-two-cents-about-you air that Luke is sending out isn't working anymore, and all it's doing is pissing Jess off, because Luke isn't supposed to be like that. Luke is supposed to be the one person that actually gives a fuck about Jess.

He wishes that were still so.

"Our business here is not done. My car is wrecked because of you."

"Oh yeah?"

"Three of the tires are leaking, it's got no oil; the floats in the carburetor are probably cracked so it's backfiring like mad. I mean people were ducking when I was driving by, then it stalled, and it wouldn't start."

Then Luke says something about Mr. Goodwrench and the Yellow Pages. Oh, and it would be under "G," but Jess doesn't tell him that, and Luke's carelessness is setting Jess further on edge.

"You're paying for the repairs."

"Oh, don't make me laugh."

"It's broken because of you."

Jess feels like he's a six-year-old, pointing the finger at Luke, blaming him. But you know what? It feels good to blame someone else, because he's so used to people blaming him for everything bad thing that happens.

"That thing was a piece of junk to begin with, the paint's the only thing holding it together!"

That flares the anger inside Jess. Yeah, the car's a piece of shit, but it's his. He worked for it; he paid for it with hard-earned cash. It infuriates and annoys Jess that Luke doesn't get that. "And the expired registration? I'm gonna have to pay a fine."

"So I guess it didn't work out with your dad, huh?"

Don't assume, don't assume. That's another thing everyone does to Jess: they assume things. Just because Jess isn't currently spending father-son bonding time in Venice Beach doesn't mean a thing. Did Luke even think that maybe Jimmy and Jess came to an understanding? That Jimmy empathizes with what Jess is going through, which is why he let him go out and do what he had to do around the country?

"It worked out fine."

"So what're you doing back east, buddy? Still searching?"

"Been traveling." But, yeah, Jess finds himself admitting silently. Still searching.

"Oh, thanks for all the swell cards and letters you sent while you were away."

"You kicked me out! What were you expecting, a candy-gram?"

And that's exactly why he doesn't keep in contact with anyone, except for Liz on the rare occasion, and Lily, but it's just for Sasha's sake.

"I didn't kick you out. You got yourself kicked out."

"Nice spin, you should work for Bush."

"So what did you get out of this Kerouac trip of yours? You write the great American novel, you learn how to place the harmonica?"

All of a sudden, Jess gets really upset with this. Kerouac. He used to be Jess' go-to; flip to any page in any of his books, there'll be wisdom and advice on how to approach life. (He remembers flipping through On the Road and the dialogue exchange, "We gotta go!" which helped push him to leave Stars Hollow).

But now, after traveling…

He's beginning to doubt it all.

"What do you care, you're not my guardian anymore."

"And I bless everyday that I'm not."

And that hurts Jess more than he's willing to admit. "Ah, well when you're not good at something, it's best to cut and run."

"Oh, sorry that I tried to give you a decent life, Jess. Sorry I didn't think driving a forklift for the rest of your life wasn't good enough for you."

"Oh that is condescending, isn't it? I thought you were a friend of the workingman."

"Oh that sister of mine, what a prize. What a prize."

Jess furrows his eyebrows. What? "What does she have to do with any of this?" Jess is getting fed up with Luke at this point; there's a reason why they never have conversations this long. In fact, this is why he doesn't have conversations with anyone for this long.

"I tell her about the car, she runs and tells you, that's what happened right? and her claiming she had no contact."

It's none of your goddamn business whom I talk to, you're not my guardian anymore, remember? Jess rebuts in his head. "Again, the car is mine. Liz was doing the right thing, that's what family does."

"Family? What a joke coming from you," Luke states matter-of-factly.

No, you're wrong. Now Jess has seen what family is really like. He's seen Jimmy and Sasha and Lily together, almost like a perfect set. And sometimes he's even been a part of it, and it's a nice thing. Family looks out for each other. Deep down, he knows Liz telling him about the car is almost like an apology for being a terrible mother, because he thinks she understands that he's had nothing in his life – only a beat-up, old car to show for himself. And Jess understands that Luke was only looking out for him…but apparently now it's too late.

"Go clean your counters, I'm tired." He can't deal with Luke anymore; it's too painful.

"So you're staying in town."

"I don't know any twenty-four-hour auto shops around here, do you?" Jess snaps.

"Well you're not staying with me."

"Didn't cross my mind."

"Get it fixed quick."

"Believe me, no one wants it fixed faster than me."

Then there's a deep silence, but the conversation's not done. Jess isn't quite sure what exactly needs to be said, but he doesn't think he's going to like it, so he braces himself.

"You stay away from her while you're here."

Jess stops breathing for a moment. "Stay away from who?" His voice is lower than earlier.

"You know who I mean."

"Gee, you're so cryptic."

"You've done all the damage there you're gonna, okay?"

Jess knows, but it's none of Luke's business.

"I'm here to get my car, and then I'm gone." And he walks away, knowing that after all these years of practice it should be getting easier to do. But of course, it's the hardest it's ever been, and that just makes him angrier.

"Where're you staying?"

"Backseat's as comfy as anywhere." Total lie, but he's hoping the cold will eventually numb everything, which needs to happen in order to survive in Stars Hollow.

"Fine."

He slams the door and curls himself into a ball, refusing to shiver. Instead, he focuses on his toes beginning to number, while the black Vans do nothing to protect his feet. He likes numb; numb is good.

Okay, so the whole wanting-to-be-numb thing was a dumb idea, he thinks to himself as he twitches and squirms in his backseat. This isn't numbing anything but his feet, and even that only lasted for a half hour before they started stinging. Just more pain. Fantastic.

He thinks about the possibility of having to get his feet amputated. Then he would have to be taken care of to an extent. No more going around the country, no more freedom…

He curls into himself even more. This town isn't freedom. It's like having your feet amputated, and the town is controlling the wheelchair, pushing it and turning it without considering the person screaming in the chair to slow down, or change directions. This town labels you and decides exactly who you're going to be, pushing you to become that person whether you like it or not.

Groaning, he opens his eyes the tiniest bit, and his eyes widened for a second when he sees the pissed off profile of Rory Gilmore.

He squeezes his eyes shut, feeling the temperature of the car drop at least ten degrees. Of course she should be angry with him, the whole damn world is angry with him, so what's the difference with one more person added to the list?

The difference is that Rory Gilmore is the only one in the world who was supposed to understand him to some extent, and the fact that her eyes are shining with nothing but contempt shows that she doesn't get him at all.

Everything's muffled, but he can tell there are two people outside his car, and one of the voices (Rory's) is full of bitterness and resentment.

She doesn't get that everyone isn't like her: confident in her future, content with herself. He's never been confident about the next week, let alone ten years down the line, and he's surely not content with himself. He's angry, he's confused, and he can't even sleep at night anymore because he's trying to find that peace that she seems to have had since day one.

He wants to feel bliss. He wants to be able to look at his life and say he's satisfied.

He suddenly remembers a quote from On the Road that he used to believe with all his heart: "The only thing that we yearn for in our living days, that makes us sigh and groan and undergo sweet nauseas of all kids, is the remembrance of some lost bliss that was probably experienced in the womb and can only be reproduced (though we hate to admit it) in death."

Now, he disagrees with that. Bliss is attainable; he knows it.

And the credit goes to Rory Leigh Gilmore for lighting that spark in him, for making him realize this.

He wants to tell her all these things (and so much more), but he can see her walking away, like she should. She doesn't deserve someone as messed up as him.

If he weren't such a screw up…then maybe…

No. He is who he is, and that's the way life is. He wants to change. He knows that there's more to his life than traveling and avoiding loved ones, he just doesn't know what it is yet.

So he'll keep searching, but for now he's going to try not dying in the back of this goddamn, piece of shit car.

There's banging on the frost-tinted window, and Jess knows it's Luke.

"Go away."

And of course Luke continues his incessant banging until Jess rolls down the window. Not bothering to hide his shivering (not that he can, anyway) he says, "What?" jaw clattering and all.

"I'm spending the night with Nicole."

Looks like his relationship didn't change, Jess thinks, with a hint of jealousy. "Thanks for the update."

"The hidden key's still in the same place. Now you can stay out here and freeze to death if you want to, or you can go inside, I really don't give a damn, it makes no difference to me."

"Fine."

Jess waits until Luke is off the block before he runs out of his car to Luke's. He doesn't think twice about finding the spare key, which scares him for a moment, but once he's inside, he forgets about everything except how warm it is.

He makes sure to lock the door behind him – how responsible of him. Not like it would matter, anyway. Nobody ever breaks into anyone's houses or stores in Stars Hollow, because it's straight out of a fucking fairytale.

When he enters the apartment, he's thrown back to a more peaceful time when he'd just dropped Rory off at her house, a cocky grin on his face. And of course, Luke would be at the table, eyes drooping, demanding why the hell he was late.

Those were good times.

But he stops himself short right there. There's no way in hell he was going to become that loser who reminisces over his high school days, which sucked. While he more than enjoyed his time with Rory…it was over. Done. Move on.

He goes up the stairs to the apartment; of course nothing has changed. He spots the phone on the wooden table beside Luke's armchair. Considering his options, he finally picks it up and dials one of the four number he knows by heart, which consists of Luke's, Jimmy's, Liz's…and Rory's.

He calls Jimmy's place, hoping to catch someone at the house.

"Hello, this is the home of Jimmy and Sasha and Lily. We can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message. Thank you!"

Jess smiles at the answering machine, which Lily recorded after he left. In fact, for a while, there was a recording with his name added. It used to be, "Hello, this is the home of Jimmy and Sasha and Lily, and the temporary living quarters of Jess…"

There's the beep.

"Uh, hi, just wanted to let you know I'm in Connecticut. Stars Hollow. Went to get my car, which is broken, so I'll be here for a little while. Talk to you later."

He hangs up and sighs before unzipping his coat. He wants a hot shower. But before he can get his shirt off, the phone rings.

Walking towards the phone again, he's afraid to pick it up, but eventually he does, letting the other person speak first.

"…Hello? Hello? Is Jess there?"

Lily. He sighs in relief. "Hey."

She gasps. "Hi! Sorry I missed your call. I was reading that book you told me about. The Fountainhead is good, except it's taking me a while to get through it since it's hard to understand."

His grip on the phone tightens. Why is she reading that now of all times?

He doesn't say anything.

"Mom's just getting pizza. Jimmy's in his study reading. Want to talk to him this time?"

"The answer's still no." He can't talk to Jimmy, not until he gets himself together.

"Fine. What have you been reading?" She asks this every time, not that he minds. It's mindless conversation, something he's very good at. It's safe.

"Giving On the Road another go."

"Jack Kerouac. I want to read his work someday, but my mom says that I can't until I'm older."

He smiles a little. "Yeah. It's a little mature."

She scoffs. "Please. I'm the most mature ten-year-old."

"I'm not denying that," he says honestly, "But I'll tell you right now…you're not going to like it."

"I really don't like it when people tell me that!"

"You say that you're mature for your age? You believe that?"

"Yes."

"Well then you won't like it." He brings the phone with him as he takes a seat on Luke's armchair in front of the small TV. "Trust me, only immature people really love Kerouac," he says quietly,

"But you love Kerouac. Isn't On the Road your favorite?"

And that shows a lot about whom he is.

He shrugs. "Used to be."

"Ah."

"What was that for?" he inquires, trying not to laugh. She sounded as if she were an elderly philosopher who had a moment of clarity.

"You're having a moment of transition."

"Excuse me?"

"It's kind of like when you realize your worn blanket that you've had since birth can't really shield you from all the bad things in the world. A childhood symbol is dying for you. It's not going to hold the same meaning as it did before. Sure, you'll still love it, but…"

Jess clenches his jaw, wanting to hang up the phone. But she's only ten-years-old; she doesn't deserve being subjected to his coldness. No one does, for that matter, but he figures that Lily is a good person to start being mature with.

Or a good person to allow inside.

"It's hard, but you'll get through it. I know you will."

"Glad someone believes in me," he mutters, somewhat sarcastic, but somewhat honest at the same time.

"When you finally settle down…will you come back?"

Honestly, California doesn't hold very good memories. He did grow fond of Lily, and Sasha and Jimmy weren't bad people. But there were memories of sleepless nights when he wandered the boardwalk, wondering what she was doing. Wondering what country she was in, whether she was thinking about him…

A lot of pent up frustration, guilt, and remorse resided on the west coast. He doesn't want to go back anytime soon, but then again, he probably won't settle down anytime soon either.

Maybe he'll be okay enough to go back one day. "Sure. Or when you're old enough, you can come visit me on the east coast."

"I don't think my mom would want me traveling alone."

"You'll be okay."

"Do you have any idea where you're going to end up? Anything general?"

"I'm staying on the east coast for sure."

"That's a start."

"If you visit me, I can show you what a real city is like."

He has a flash of Rory visiting him in New York…showing her the record store, watching her from the corner of his eye as she took her first bite of a street dog, a light in her eyes. A small town girl being led by the hand of a city boy.

"Sounds fun. I'll look forward to that day. So…"

He knows she wants to keep the conversation going; he thinks she's growing attached to him, really attached. He doesn't know whether or not he's okay with that since the last time people grew attached to him, he ended up disappointing them.

But at least with Lily, he wouldn't have to see her face when it happens. "I have to go."

"You do?" she asks sadly.

"I'm three hours ahead. Besides, I traveled a lot. I'm tired," he explains, feeling guilty already.

"Okay. Well safe traveling. You'll call at the next place you go to, right?"

She asks this every time, and every time he says maybe, but every time he does. So this time, he decides to say, "Yeah, I will."

She squeals, making him truly smile for the first time in a long time. She's the only person who's happy with him in the world. "Yes! Okay, good night! Sweet dreams, and good luck! Be safe!"

"You too."

"And…Jess?"

Her timidity makes him cock his head to the side. "Yes?"

"I love you." It's faint, but it's there.

He holds onto the phone for dear life, scrambling for something to say. She's ten; she shouldn't know what rejection is. Besides, she sees him as an older brother, so this is natural. Too bad he hasn't said those words and meant it in a long, long time. If he'd even meant it at all.

But this isn't like Rory's saying it. Lily, practically his little sister, is saying this.

"Yeah. Uh…" He swallows and shuts his eyes tightly.

"It's okay. Jimmy said that this would happen," she states matter-of-factly.

He opens his eyes. "What?"

"Well I told him that I was considering telling you that I love you. I asked him how you would probably react. I know you don't like surprises."

He snorts.

"He said that you probably wouldn't say it back. It's okay."

"You deserve better than 'Yeah' and 'Uh,'" he tells her.

"Then would you like to edit your first statement?"

"I suck at phone conversations." It's true – he thinks back to his failed attempts to talk to Rory before and after her graduation. He's just better face-to-face because at least those that actually give a damn could try and read him. He knows that if she were standing in front of him, she would be able to tell that he cared for her too.

"You shouldn't curse. Mom didn't like you cursing."

He nods, hearing this lecture many-a-time during the summer.

"But I know you do. I just wanted you to know that you have people who really care about you, who are rooting for you."

He clenches his jaw again because his emotions are starting to get the best of him; that's been happening a lot since he came to Stars Hollow. Is it because it's the first place where he actually began letting his guard down around certain people? If so, is it because of those two people here know his weaknesses and could kill him for them?

"Thanks," he grits out.

"I'll let you go to sleep. G'night!"

He hangs up and rubs his face, taking shaky breaths. How pathetic is this? Someone says, "I love you" to him and he practically loses his ability to think. He's almost nonhuman. Shouldn't that be normal to hear? It frustrates him that it's so abnormal for him, but it saddens him as well because he knows why: there isn't anyone to say that to him.

Except…

I think I may have loved you…

Well if that was the case, Rory Gilmore, why didn't you say it, he thinks to himself. It probably would've made him feel a little better about himself. He most likely wouldn't have said it back, but he's sure she would've been able to tell that he appreciated it (she's good with telling when he's happy, not much anything else).

He stands up and is about to go to the bathroom until he spots his old desk, which was barely used during his stay with Luke. It was a thoughtful gesture – Luke made him the desk, hoping that it would help Jess do his schoolwork. And not only that, Luke also went to a store and bought him school supplies.

Including a red-spiraled notebook.

Jess made fun of Luke for buying it the summer before senior year. Why that color? Did you honestly think that I would carry that around school? Yeah right, get real.

He strides over and picks it up, already knowing that there were only blank pages. Pure. Like Rory.

And there goes his desire to soil everything good. He picks up a nearby pen and writes in the first page, Why didn't you let me talk?

He was nervous, scared even, and she was impatient to wait for him. Maybe that was asking for too much, since he was the one that left without a word to the other end of the country. But he wasn't the only one that didn't want it to end the way it did.

I wanted to say this:

By the time he's done, he filled up half the notebook. Most of his writing doesn't even pertain to the original thought; it deviates at some point, and he starts talking about random things, things that flow out of him in a way that's extremely therapeutic.

It's almost dawn.

Jess ends up sleeping for about an hour, but then wakes up to go to Gypsy's as soon as she opens. And of course she makes his life harder for him, saying that she can't leave her shop unattended. He has to drop the car off.

It's not like anyone's going to rob the register, he thinks darkly as he rolls his car down the street, causing traffic, which is never a problem in Stars Hollow. The honking and yelling reminds him of New York City a bit, and he's in a better mood because of it. Or maybe just causing chaos in this sleepy town still hasn't lost its thrill for him.

"Come on guys, push harder," he says to the men outside. Almost there, almost home free.

But Kirk's making things very difficult, which isn't that much of a surprise to Jess. And Kirk's argument about who says "roger" when speaking in a walkie-talkie is driving Jess up the wall, especially since Kirk is blatantly wrong.

"Get out of the way, Kirk."

"Hold on, roger."

Jess' eyes narrow. Has Kirk forgotten who Jess is? This is still the same boy who left an infamous name in the Stars Hollow community; he can still frighten anyone here with one hard look, damn it!

"This car's not stopping."

"I am planning the Firelight Festival!" Kirk complains. "Taylor left me in charge and I have to make sure everything's perfect –"

"Move."

"Roger." And Kirk scurries away. All is right with the world.

Until he hears, "Shouldn't you have a marching band behind you?"

Of course it's Luke.

"Go away," Jess says, not having nearly enough sleep to deal with another Luke dialogue.

Luke makes some sort of pop culture reference but Jess doesn't pay attention to it. Instead, he says, "I gotta get my car to Gypsy's so she can fix it, and I can leave." Just what you want, he adds bitterly to himself.

"So you decided to push it there."

"I didn't have a choice." Like he would do that – doesn't Luke know that Jess is the most intelligent of the Mariano-Danes family?

"Get that piece of junk out of my way!" some person yells down the street, which ignites Jess' anger. Leave the car alone.

"I'm going as fast as I can, jerk!" Jess yells out.

"Jess, do you at all find this ridiculous?" Luke asks.

"Why yes as a matter of fact I do find this ridiculous. I find it ridiculous that Gypsy won't walk twenty feet to look at my car!" Jess' voice escalates in volume as he glares at Gypsy across the street, and she has a smug smile on her face.

"Hire a tow-truck."

No shit, if he had the money for it. "It costs eighty bucks to hire a tow-truck." Besides, the repairs are going to cost him a fortune, probably everything he has in his pockets, and so he can't afford anything to make life easier.

"I'll give you the eighty bucks."

"No." Absolutely not.

"You're blocking the whole street."

"I don't want your money." Or your concern (or lack there of, these days), or your attention…

"You wanna get out of here – let me pay the eighty bucks."

"I'll pitch in ten!" Kirk adds.

Jess gets out of the car and points to Kirk threateningly. "Hey, how about more walkie, and less talkie."

"You're making a spectacle of yourself," Luke says.

"Go home, you won't have to watch."

"Fine."

And Luke walks farther ahead, leaving Jess pushing his car. This is what he's always wanted, right? For Luke to just leave him be. Too bad it doesn't feel as good as he thought it would.

"Well?" Jess asks, wringing his black cap with his hands.

"Still looking," she answers.

"What's the matter with it?"

"Still looking."

"You've been circling that thing for fifteen minutes. You're waiting for it to tell you where it hurts?" He's getting a little annoyed. He never had a problem with Gypsy, but now he does.

"I've seen dumber things talk."

He kind of likes her, a little bit. More so than half the residents in this town. "Just tell me what's wrong with the car." And she'll never know it.

"You need a carburetor."

Fuck. "So how long till it's fixed?"

"Not sure."

"It has to be today. I have to get out of this half-mile, four block, freak hole of a medical experiment."

"You are delightful." She shuts the hood of the car. "I'll have you out of here tonight. Go away and come back at closing."

"Fine." Only one day in Stars Hollow. How bad can it possibly get?

"And bring a lot of money because I'm going to overcharge you like you've never been overcharged before."

Of course he's angry about this, but he respects her because at least she's direct with him. "I'll bet you say that to all the guys," he banters.

"On second thought…maybe I'm closing early tonight…"

He holds his hands up in mock surrender. "I'm going."

He turns around and almost gasps out loud when he sees a familiar shade of brown hair catching the light.

"That's not her."

It takes him a while to snap out of it. Of course it's not Rory. The person in front of him…her legs are too short, and her body isn't willowy enough. Not to mention Rory's hair is just a shade darker. But they are the same height…

"What?" He turns around to look at Gypsy.

"She cut her hair."

That saddens him. He can't imagine Rory with short hair. Why didn't he notice last night? Oh, right, because he was too busy memorizing every detail of her face.

"Don't know who you're talking about."

"Okay, my mistake." And she drops it, which he's thankful for.

The woman eventually turns around, and Jess tries to continue forward, but he's shaken up about it. What is he going to do if he runs into her? Because let's face it, in this small town, he's bound to run into her at least once.

So what should he do?

She probably doesn't want to talk to him, so maybe he'll just…go away. If he's in one place and she comes in, he'll leave. Stars Hollow is her turf, she shouldn't have to avoid him; he should be moving in accordance to her whereabouts. That's the polite thing to do, right? Gentlemanly? Sort of; he's not really good that that.

Damn it, he's never been good at anything, except writing in books and making things disappear. Oh, and of course fucking up.

There's no way he can go into Luke's now, because Rory and/or Lorelai will be there, and those two are the last people he wants to see. So he goes to Weston's to hide out. He grabs a table by the window and pulls out a book, immediately engrossed.

There's one thing that Jess does like about Stars Hollow: he likes that he can give all his attention to his books because this town is so quiet and safe. He doesn't have to look over his shoulder or shift his eyes or keep his ears perked for anything; it's a nice change.

"…Large coffee…cherry Danish…"

His ears pick this up, but he doesn't think much of it as he turns the page. But when he hears the owner of that voice crinkling her bag, he peaks over and has to do a double take.

Rory.

Her blue eyes widen and her lips part (he kind of really wants to kiss her), and they lock into a staring contest for a grand total of two seconds. This is the first time they've seen each other in six months, and of course he's hyper aware of how awful he must look and how pretty she will always be.

He'll never really deserve her, and she doesn't deserve to deal with him. So he grabs his leather jacket and book. "I'm leaving." And walks as quickly as he can out of the bakery.

Shitfuck.

So Rory and he were thinking along the same lines – avoid Luke's diner because the other may be there. Great! Just great. Of course this would happen, because this town is so small, and they think alike, especially when it comes to avoiding each other.

He walks around the town a few times, trying to clear his mind and calm his racing heart. This day is quickly turning into a suckfest, very much like the rest of his life.

And that's when he remembers that he left that red notebook in Luke's apartment. He has to get that back. If Luke finds it and reads it…

Well, he just can't.

So he goes to the diner and does a quick glance through the windows, pleased that Luke isn't taking orders or working behind the counter. Perhaps he's out somewhere and Jess can run into the apartment no problem.

Those damn bells ring at his entry, and everyone stops talking to look at him for about a second, but then they get back to their businesses quickly; news of his arrival traveled fast. Fine, he doesn't care, just so long as no one talks to him.

He masterfully weaves through all the tables and chairs to the staircase behind the curtain. As he walks up the stairs, he thinks about other places he can go to for the rest of the day. Perhaps the bookstore…or the bridge. Well the bridge would be freezing, and the bookstore would be heated.

But the latter he'll have a much higher chance of running into Rory.

He opens the door to Luke's apartment and is surprised, and annoyed, to see Luke, Liz, and some doofus all at the table.

He clenches his jaw. "I forgot somethin'." He points to his old bed and walks over to it.

"Oh my God! This is freaky! It's like fate! Jess did not know we were here! I had no idea Jess would come by and now look at us. Together. All of the men in my life are drawn here to me. This is positive; this means something. Do you feel it?"

While Jess may have established some basic communication with her when he ran off to California, and continued to call her as soon as he entered another state, he never felt any sort of desire to see her again. Besides, her belief in fate and all that is bullshit.

"I sure do," the man says with an accent. Oh boy.

Jess finds his red notebook, and sighs with relief. He really wants to get out, but Liz catches him and squeezes onto his arm. "Baby, this is my kid. This is Jess." New boyfriend, then. He's unemotional when she touches her chin affectionately; he hasn't experienced anything like that in a long time. "Jess, this is TJ."

"Guess what it stands for."

"No."

Before the silence gets any worse Liz says, "Oh, you'll stay for dinner."

It's the morning; he can't deal with the severe lack of brain cells in this apartment, it's slowly driving him insane. "I gotta go check on my car."

"Come on, we're making a ton of food. There's beer." TJ says the last thing as if it's a temptation. But if Jess is going to be honest, he's going to need something a hell of a lot stronger to put up with him, Liz, and Luke.

"My beer," Luke adds with a mutter.

"I'm not hungry." Meanwhile, Jess' stomach aches with its emptiness; he hasn't been able to properly eat in a while, no thanks to traveling.

"Oh please, stay for a little while. I think you guys are really gonna get along great."

Liz's pleading. Jess kind of wants to bash his head against every hard surface of this apartment. Instead, he gives her a smile that he knows would frighten children. If Rory were here, she would immediately know that he's pissed and wants to get the hell out of there.

He puts his notebook on the table, but he puts his arms over it to hide it; he's not ready for people to know about that.

"Oh!" Liz sighs in contentment. Jess rolls his eyes. "TJ's really enjoying Stars Hollow, aren't you baby?"

"Oh yeah. This place is great. It reminds me of New York."

Jess is pretty sure "What the fuck" is written all over his face. "How?"

"You know –"

"Neither one is in space," Luke says.

"No, that's not it," TJ responds with all seriousness.

"Of course not."

"There's an energy…right?" TJ turns to Liz.

"There is, I feel it. A very similar energy." Liz nods, agreeing.

And this is where Jess tunes out of the conversation. He's torn about whether he should be proud of himself that he lasted this long, or concerned that his IQ has dropped within the past five minutes.

He manages to catch something about shorts, Luke's dating history, and repeated mentions of Carrie. This is all so retarded.

"A lightning bolt, please," Luke mutters to Jess.

"I gotta go," Jess says, standing up and already half way to the door.

"Oh, okay…" Liz stands up and walks over to him, and he surprisingly stands still, allowing her to catch up. "But come back after you check your car, we'll save you some food." She puts her hands on either side of his face, which unnerves him a little. The last time this happened…she was drunk. And her hands were not gentle at all. "You look good," she says quieter, looking into his dark eyes. She brings her head forward so their foreheads are touching. He can't help himself; he closes his eyes at the motherly contact. "Handsome!"

"If I was a girl, I wouldn't kick him out of bed," TJ adds, effectively ruining any sort of moment. What did he just say?

But Liz brings Jess into a hug, which he barely responds to. "Come back, okay?"

"Okay," he whispers, even though he knows he won't.

"Yeah, if you do, I'll draw you a portrait on my etch-a-sketch."

Jess looks over to Luke, and he can't hold back his emotions; he starts to chuckle a bit.

"Hey, you can't miss that," Luke says jokingly.

"We'll see."

For a brief moment, Jess feels pretty good. This is what they do best: make fun of ridiculous people who have no grasp on reality. He steps out of the apartment, but he hears Luke says, "Hey, uh Jess, uh wait a sec."

Jess leaves the door partially open for Luke, and he shuts it completely behind them.

"So…wow!" Luke whispers.

"Yup."

"Oh, if I could pick anyone in the world for my sister to be with, that guy would definitely be his cab driver."

"I don't know, he had a certain something," Jess responds with sarcasm.

"Yeah, lack of chromosomes."

"That sounds right."

"So what do we do?"

"About what?"

"About that, them, him?"

Jess shakes his head a little. What? "Nothing." He turns and walks to the staircase.

"Where are you going?" Luke asks, taking a few steps.

"Check on my car." Jess doesn't understand what Luke wants from him at this point.

"Jess, don't you think we should discuss this?"

"Discuss what?"

"TJ!"

"I thought we just did."

"Well, we didn't come up with a solution."

"Solution to what?"

"Are we having the same conversation? A solution to him."

Jess is getting annoyed that Luke is getting annoyed with him. Why is Luke so hung up about Liz's extremely poor taste in men? He's known about it for years, this shouldn't come as too much of a surprise.

"A solution would've been birth control. Too late, move on."

"Jess, we have to do something about this!"

Jess sighs. "Like what?" He's kind of curious about how Luke thinks he's going to handle this.

"I don't know…we have to say something."

"Like what."

"He's a grown man with an etch-a-sketch!" Luke hisses loudly.

"So shake him real hard, maybe he'll disappear!"

"Oh come on, what, do you like this guy?"

"Of course I don't like this guy; I don't like any of the guys. But she's gonna do what she's gonna do." Now that Jess has finally spelled it out for Luke, he just wants to go on his way.

"No. I do not accept that. We can go to Liz together – we can tell her –"

"She does not care what we think! She really doesn't care what I think. I've got nineteen years of proof to back me up," Jess retorts, and he can't help but feel sad about this. She never cared to know whether or not her current boyfriend was treating him right, and if Jess tried to tell her, she wouldn't hear it.

"Yes she does, you just have to find the right angle with Liz."

Fine. Luke is going to continue being naïve. He doesn't know a damn thing about Liz; he hasn't lived with Liz in over twenty years, he didn't have to deal with Liz's behavior in so long. But Jess knows.

"Can I go please?" He throws his arm out to the staircase. He's getting fed up with this conversation; he doesn't want to talk about any of this anymore, it's just upsetting him. Especially when he can still feel the warmth of her hands on his cheeks and smell the nonexistent scent of alcohol in breath.

"No you can't go, we have to fix this. I cannot watch her throw her life away again with a loser again."

That tears it. Jess is getting really fed up with all of this. Does Luke not get it? Jess doesn't want to help Liz, because he's still bitter about how she was part of the reason why he's so fucked up now. She can help herself. And as for Luke…why is he not seeing the one person who could really use some support?

"You see this is your problem. You're gonna help people whether they want it or not. You have to fix everything; you have to fix everyone. You think it makes you a good guy, but really, it makes you a pain in the ass. You make it so that when people fail you, you get to feel like the martyr and they get to feel like not only did they screw up, but they also disappointed you. You interfere and you make everything worse. No one is asking for your help. No one wants your help. Focus on your own life and leave everyone else alone."

You're too good of a person to give a shit about people like my mom and me. I'm sorry I screwed up, and I'm sorry I disappointed you. You were a main reason why I wanted to figure it all out. It all fucking hurts right now and I don't know what I'm doing; I kind of want your support here.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

He goes to the bookstore, because he has to immerse himself in a book; he'll explode if he continues being aware of Stars Hollow. This stupid town is his worst nightmare.

Andrew doesn't even glance at the door when Jess goes in and there isn't anyone in the store, both of which are good. Jess goes straight to the last isle of books, and sits himself down, pulling a random book from the bottom shelf.

Hardcover. Rory reads those a lot.

Damn it! He doesn't want to think about her! It's bad enough that this bookstore holds way too many happy memories of them; he just wants to read and escape, which he manages to do for a grand total of fifteen minutes until he senses someone coming into this isle.

He glances up and has to do a double take again. Rory, again?

He drops the book on the shelf and walks past her, not allowing them another moment. Who knows what she'd say if he stuck around? He doesn't want to know, she'll probably kill him with her words, whatever she'd say.

Perhaps he'll stop by Gypsy's to check on his car; Rory wouldn't go there.

"Sure I can't help you? Can I hand you something? You know, it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to run." He's getting desperate; he has to get out of here. Two run-ins with Rory in one day? It's making him believe that there is something out there conspiring against him.

"Just curious, have you noticed since you started standing there, there's been a lot less of the clinking sounds?" She demonstrates in case he doesn't know, which annoys him. "And the clinking sounds are the sounds tools make when they fix things."

"You've been fixing this car for hours," he retorts.

"And I'm not done, so back off."

He briefly considers his options of where to go next when he hears, "Jess!" from across the street.

Lorelai. Why couldn't this confrontation be left out of his visit?

"Hey, she sounds mad."

No shit, Gypsy. No shit.

Lorelai stomps over so she's less than two feet in front of him. Oh, she's here to really have a go at him, isn't she? "You've been here less than twenty-four hours and already I wanna kill you," she states, already glaring.

"What did I do to you?" This is Lorelai's problem; she always has to involve herself, very much like Luke. But she does it all wrong; she doesn't do anything but annoy the crap out of people, or at least him.

"All that crap you said to Luke."

"What crap –"

"A man who's done nothing but support you and help you."

That fight is none of her damn business. "I don't know what you're talking about." He says this because she shouldn't know what she's talking about.

But of course she doesn't get that. "You do know what I'm talking about, don't act stupid. Why would you do that? What an incredibly insensitive, mean spirited –"

Okay this clearly isn't just about Luke. She's probably waited for months, thinking about what she could possibly say to Jess. And he's done with her blindly hating him. "Oh drop it. This has nothing to do with Luke this is about Rory."

"This is not about Rory. This is about Luke. Don't you have an ounce of sensitivity in that thick head of yours? Are you so mad at the entire world that you…you don't care who you hurt?"

Shut the fuck up. She doesn't know anything; he told her that night on her back porch two years ago, and she still doesn't understand. She'll never be able to get him, and she'll never be able to read him. If she were able to, she'd see that he's barely holding himself together; he has dark bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, he's lost a lot of weight, although it's not obvious from his layering.

"And I suppose we're still not talking about Rory?" He doesn't want to talk to her at all, but if she's going to continue pestering him, then he would like for her to not beat around the bush.

"Wow, second Rory in ten seconds. You sure have Rory on the brain. I wonder why that is?"

So Rory's perceptiveness does come from Lorelai, to a certain extent. But why does it feel like Lorelai somewhat manipulated this conversation so it would go in this direction? "You started this," he retorts nastily. There's a reason why they haven't managed to get along.

"Is that why you came back here? Are you still hung up on her, Jess? Is that why you came back?"

"No." Because what else is he going to say?

"Good. Because she is over you. She has moved on and she is very happy," she says slowly, accentuating just the right words.

"Please hurry up so I can get the hell out of here," Jess says loudly to Gypsy, looking away from Lorelai.

"I second that," Lorelai adds, as if that's even necessary. Of course she wants him gone, like everyone else.

While Lorelai walks away, Jess clenches his jaw and glares at her back. He hates her. She thinks he's the heartless one? She probably feels no remorse for ganging up on him based on her maybe hearing misconstrued things from Luke. He knows Luke wouldn't relay everything he said to Lorelai; Luke gets Jess a little. He has to.

When she turns the corner, Jess considers his options again. He could go back to Luke's, but then he'll have to endure Liz and TJ, which he has no patience for. He can't go back to Weston's or the bookstore, because he'll just think about his brief encounters with Rory. What place can he go to where Rory won't be, or won't completely remind him of Rory?

He suddenly smirks without any humor. Oh, the irony.

He walks to the high school, knowing that it's still in session for another half hour. For a minute, he considers walking in and confronting Principal Merton. He doesn't know what he'd say or do, but he supposes it could be very satisfying.

But then Merton would probably sneer, his face glowing, as if he knew that this would happen, and he's happy that he's right. What kind of fucking teacher wants this for his student? Yeah, Jess wasn't the most courteous kid, but…Merton had some control over a student's future…and he knowingly and willingly pushed Jess off the tracks, making him lost and confused and unsure of what to do next.

No, if he's going to see that dickwad again, he would want to be older and have some sort of idea of where he's going. Right now…he's just a lonely loner fending for himself, barely going on by a ten-year-old girl's comforting words over a long distance telephone call.

He sighs and walks around the school, frost crunching under his shoes. To his right he sees three kids hiding out under a tree, skipping class. He'd see them a few times whenever he would skip; he's pretty sure they're seniors now. But of course Merton is going to make sure they graduate, because they're Stars Hollow residents. Borderline xenophobic that dick is.

Soon Jess is off school property and he finds himself standing in front of the old wooden bridge. Half the water is frozen and he shivers at the thought of being pushed in it.

…Maybe coming here wasn't such a great idea after all.

He lets out a breath, a cloud of condensation escaping his lips. Honestly, he doesn't know how much more he can take being here; it's making everything worse.

Taking his first step onto the bridge, he closes his eyes and pictures Rory sitting over the edge, swinging her crossed legs. His hands were stuffed in his pockets as he slowly made his way to her, thinking of something to say.

He thinks that was one of the few times in his life when he felt like his soul was being relieved. It was vulnerable, and…

Raw.

Suddenly, he gets on his knees and pulls out his pocketknife, pausing over the same spot where he stood over a year ago and practically confessed his feelings for Rory after the dance marathon. And on the wood he carves a quote from On the Road:

I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.

The night isn't the only time I feel this way, Kerouac, Jess thinks to himself as he looks over his handiwork. It makes him feel better. Sitting down, he puts his hat on, making sure it covers the tips of his ears. He lies on his back and closes his eyes, clearing his mind. For five minutes he doesn't want to think about when he pays Gypsy, he'll have only five dollars and twenty-seven cents left; he doesn't want to think about Luke's face, always full of disappointment whenever he looks at him; he doesn't want to think about Rory and what she's always doing to him.

He just wants to think of absolutely nothing.

At the end of the day, Jess walks back to Gypsy's, glad that this horrible day is coming to an end. Gypsy's leaning against his car with a smile on her face, which worries him. He supposes he'll be lucky if he gets to keep those five dollars and twenty-seven cents.

Sighing, he un-zippers his leather jacket and pulls out his wallet. Gypsy gives him a toothy grin as she hands him the receipt. He hesitantly takes it and looks down at the total, grimacing. Shit.

He gives her everything he has except two dollars and twenty-seven cents. Better than nothing, he supposes. "There."

"Thank you for your business. Do not come again."

"Not likely."

But he knows that's not completely true; somehow, at some point, he's going to be brought here again, but he can dream. He gets into the car, enjoying the comfort of it. Oh, maybe he left some money in here, he thinks. But after that thought comes to mind, he's surprised by how optimistic he was. Geez.

He pulls down the mirror visor, and he's surprised to find an envelope fall into his lap. Maybe he left his last paycheck from Walmart in the car?

But when he opens it and finds nothing but cash, he knows it's not from Walmart, it's from Luke.

Fuck. Jess treated Luke like shit, didn't he? He sighs, guilt consuming him. Of course he didn't mean any words he said to Luke. Well, he kind of did, but it's just because Jess never had anyone give a damn about him, and it hurt him a hell of a lot more disappointing Luke than it did Liz.

He has to talk to Luke. He gets out of the car and begins walking toward the Firelight Festival. All these happy people…it puts him in a worse mood since he hasn't been happy in over six months. But he's grateful that Luke still cares, at least a little bit.

And that's when he sees Rory in line for something. His lips part and he freezes in place, debating whether or not he should talk to her now. He thinks he should.

But she beats him to taking action first. "I get to leave first!" she says, as if she's five-years-old.

Then she starts running away.

"Rory wait, stop!" He goes after her. Since when does she run?

"No, you don't get to walk away!"

"Hold on!"

"My town, I leave!" She weaves past a two concession stands.

"I just wanna –" He slides on a patch of ice as she changes directions. "Where are you going?" His chest hurts from the cold air – he is not an athlete, and neither is she for that matter. She must really hate him if she's doing this.

"None of your business."

"We look like idiots!"

"I don't care."

"Stop running."

"Stop following!" she says in such a childish voice that he can't help responding with, "Oh, come on!"

"Go away! I'm leaving!"

"Rory stop!"

He figures he must have sounded really desperate because she gives in a bit. "Why?" but doesn't change her speed.

"Because I want to talk to you!" Ladies and gentlemen, alert the press, Jess Mariano actually wants to have a serious conversation.

She stops short. "About what? What do you want to talk to me about?" she demands, her voice hard.

He takes deep breaths and points to where they originally stood. "When did you learn to run like that?" A small smile is on his face, hoping that her cold expression would melt away just a little.

It doesn't. "You know, I've actually thought about this moment, a lot. What would Jess say to me if I ever saw him again? I mean he just took off, no note, no call, nothing, how can he explain that?"

He vaguely recalls having those same feelings that summer after Sookie's wedding. It sucks.

"And then a year goes by –" It's actually been six months, but he doesn't correct her. "No word, nothing, so he couldn't possibly have a good excuse for that, right? I have imagined hundreds of different scenarios with a hundred different great last parting lines and I have to tell you that I am actually very curious to see which way this is going to go."

He's nervous. Where the hell is he supposed to begin? "Could we sit down?" he inquires softly.

"No, you wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?"

He takes shaky breaths. What to say? I'm sorry? I'm such a fuck up? You deserve someone who's not emotionally stunted? Anything that's in the same ballpark as remorse and regret would be appropriate, and expected.

What's not expected are the words that end up coming out of his mouth from the very core of his being. Those three words, the feelings they imply…he's not supposed to feel anything like that.

"I love you."

But he does, and it's painful, which is why he doesn't stay and wait for her face to break out of its unemotional and blank state; he doesn't think he'll be able to handle her first reaction. He practically runs away from her, and it tears him up inside (but what tears him up more is the fact that he's pushing back tears).

He wants her to maybe chase after his car, but he knows that she won't, because she shouldn't have to do that, and, of course, it's expected of her to just let him be.

He drives until he's at the "Welcome to Stars Hollow" sign right outside the town. That sign is a fucking joke – he never felt welcome in this town, not for one second. He never felt at home, he never felt peace. There was only one person who ever tried to make him feel comfortable, and now she's leading the charge for him to never come back.

He grips the wheel tightly, sets the car in park, and after he turns off the ignition, he bangs his forehead into the wheel, hoping to fend off the tears.

But after everything that's happened, he doesn't have the stamina anymore, so a few escape from his eyes, but he quickly wipes them away. His throat is thick and his hands have a vice-like grip on the wheel. What the hell was the point of saying that?

Maybe…maybe he subconsciously figured that Rory would want to know that someone out there cares. That he didn't leave because he lost his feelings for her, quite the opposite, actually. People will always be capable of loving Rory Gilmore; it's so easy. He, on the other hand…

I think I may have loved you.

He supposes this is the best he's going to get until he gets himself together. At least he knows that it's capable for someone to possibly love him.

But then he remembers Lily and her quiet, "I love you," through the phone.

Exhaling, he starts the car and finally crosses the Stars Hollow border.

Another Kerouac quote comes to mind:

What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? – it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy beneath the skies.

But Jess is always thinking back.

A/N: You made it to the end! Impressive. Please, please review! They really mean a lot to me :)

Lastly, thank you so much Vera Cobb – if it weren't for you, this story would probably still be half-finished!

MissGoalie