A/N: Okay, I couldn't help myself. I hadn't yet had the chance to write a funny NCIS one-shot as opposed to an angsty one. So here's my first whack at it. Takes place somewhere in Season Five.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.

At War

"Hey, Kate, your brothers really like that?"

"Sadly, yes."

"Huh. Explains a lot."

~Gibbs and Kate, "Forced Entry" (2.9)

It was a rainy Thursday morning—only ten o'clock, and already DiNozzo and McGee were really getting on Gibbs' nerves.

The day had started out innocently enough. By eight, the team had all arrived and were more or less seated at their desks, awaiting the day's instructions. Gibbs was well into his first cup of coffee, and after taking a Caf-Pow! down to the lab for Abby, he had announced that since there was nothing new to investigate, the day would be one of paperwork and cold cases. Predictably, this had elicited a groan from all involved, but they obediently did as they were told.

The trouble had started around 8:45. Ziva and McGee were at their respective desks, shuffling through mounds of paperwork. Tony, on the other hand, was leaning back in his chair, making a big show of how obviously bored he was. He sighed—loudly.

"Something on your mind, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked pointedly, glancing up at the younger agent.

Tony smiled boyishly.

"Nothing, boss."

"Uh-huh." Gibbs' fingers itched to give the man a head-slap, which gave him an idea. He stood and walked away on the pretense of getting another coffee. In reality, he circled around and remained out of sight where he could easily watch and hear his agents but they could not see him.

As he'd expected, Tony immediately stood and sauntered over to McGee's desk, hanging over the side of the cubicle and smiling slyly.

"So, Probie…"

"What, Tony?" McGee asked in exasperation, not giving his senior the satisfaction of looking up. His body language clearly said, 'Go away,' but Tony wasn't taking the hint.

"Well, you look kind of tired this morning…you couldn't possibly have been out on a date, so I was just wondering…how many hours was the Elf Lord battling evil last night?"

"Drop it, Tony." Ziva suddenly intervened, her eyes boring holes in the back of her colleague's skull.

Tony turned to her, surprised. "You know what McGeek was doing last night, Zee-vah?"

She stared him down. Her lips suddenly twisted into a smile. "So what if I do?" she said flippantly. "Jealous?"

"No," Tony said quickly.

McGee sighed in annoyance, apparently unamused by the others' game. "Stop it. If you really need to know, I was working on my book. Happy?"

DiNozzo's eyes glittered. "Very," he purred, reaching over to ruffle Tim's hair. "So proud of you, McGiggles."

Ziva snapped. "You know, Tony, maybe it's time for you to get a whiff of your own medicine."

Tony and McGee both looked baffled for a split-second; then the former laughed and the latter couldn't stop a small smile.

"You mean a taste, Ziva. A taste of my own medicine."

"What is the difference?" she protested.

Tony shook his head and returned to his seat, grinning lazily.

"I love you guys," he said happily, leaning forward.

"Are you on painkillers again?" McGee asked suspiciously, looking slightly alarmed.

"I think somebody slipped Nyquil into his orange juice," Ziva stage-whispered in response, glancing mock-subtly at Tony.

He ignored them. "I love Gibbs, too…" he murmured.

Gibbs chose this as the moment to step out of hiding, a finger on his lips to warn the slightly surprised Ziva and McGee to remain silent as he snuck up behind his senior field agent. McGee suppressed a chuckle and Ziva's eyes glittered in amusement as her partner continued rambling, oblivious to anything amiss.

"And ya know, if he wasn't so stiff all the time, he'd really be the perfect guy to have around in any situation. But he's always" (he imitated Gibbs' voice) "'Do this, don't sit around, we don't have time, and…" His voice trailed off suddenly and his head swiveled between his partners. "…he's right behind me, isn't he?"

Gibbs awarded the realization with a head-slap as he rounded the desk.

"DiNozzo!" he barked. "When I want my personality analyzed by my team, you will be the first to know. Until that time, get to work! Am I clear?"

"Crystal, boss," the completely lucid Tony mumbled, his face bright red. Ziva and McGee stifled their laughter.

And now it was ten, and Tony had taken to throwing paper balls at McGee. Gibbs pretended not to notice in the hopes that the Italian-American would get bored, but McGee seemed unable to follow his lead; every time a missile bounced off his workplace, he grunted and clenched his teeth.

Finally, Tim had had enough. He bent over and scooped up one of the balls, pitching it back at DiNozzo. It bounced off his head.

Ziva cheered. "Good one, McGee!"

Gibbs inwardly groaned.

Tony's eyes narrowed and he stood, beginning the battle in earnest as he chucked five projectiles at once. McGee dodged them all and returned fire. His were better-aimed—two met their mark.

Before long, paper balls were flying around everywhere; even Ziva had joined in with gusto, ganging up with Tim against Tony. Gibbs was losing patience, fast.

"C'mon, Probie! You can do better than that!" DiNozzo taunted, peeking tentatively around his desk.

McGee's face was red. "Why you do always have to be such a jerk, Tony? Can't I just work in peace for once?"

Tony didn't respond, rolling out of Ziva's line-of-fire.

"What the-?" Abby had arrived in the bullpen. She stared around at the mess with her jaw hanging. "Did it hail in here?"

"Abby!" Tony called, waving his hand. "We're at war! Come help me dominate!"

Shrugging, Abby plucked an eraser from Tony's desk and bounced it off McGee's head. Tony crowed.

"Yes! We win! We have conquered-"

"ENOUGH!"

Everyone froze and turned slowly. Gibbs was standing at his desk, his face bright red and his eyes blazing. If he had been in a cartoon, there would have been steam issuing from his ears.

"Team—lunch!" he ordered sharply.

Wordlessly, they began to gather their things, shaking both from fear and from suppressed laughter.

Tony ventured, "But it's only-"

"NOW."

"On it, boss," Tony squeaked, scurrying after the others.

A/N: Haha, that was so much fun to write...

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