Part of the totally super dooper awesome Carrie Underwood project for 'You Won't Find This.'

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end close is all there is
Oh, in the end it's me you're going to miss
'Cause you won't find this
Oh, you won't find this

-Carrie Underwood, You Won't Find This

Magnus had had lovers before. A plentiful amount of lovers, actually. Some were women, some were men, and occasionally, there were some who had distinct qualities of both. Most were Downworlders, but he had been known to even take a mortal lover once in a while, although these never lasted long. Magnus didn't age, after all, and he could only swear on anti-aging creams for so long.

Magnus has only had one Nephilim lover.

The pain of simply thinking about him is unbelievable. It presses in on him from all sides, suffocating him, cutting off his air. His face is imprinted on the insides of his eyelids. His name, the occasional time Magnus speaks it, burns his tongue, scorches his mouth, inflames his throat.

Alec Alec Alec Lightwood.

He hears the name Lightwood occasionally. Jace had officially taken the name, so it would live on when Isabelle married another Shadowhunter and it was apparent Alec (Alec Alec Alec Lightwood) wasn't going to be having children. Those Lightwoods had Lightwoods who had more Lightwoods and everywhere he goes Magnus is plagued by the name that once brought him more joy than any other.

He can remember him clearly and he isn't sure if this is a good thing or not, because sometimes his face is the only thing that keeps Magnus from going insane and sometimes he thinks remembering his face is going to make him insane. But he can still see it clearly, sometimes so clearly Magnus is certain he is standing right in front of him, but when he reaches out it isn't the face he knows better than his own but empty air that slips through his fingers.

Everywhere he goes he searches for blue, blue piercing eyes that lit up when he smiled, that gazed up at Magnus with trust and adoration when they were making love, that sparkled whenever he said iloveyou. Everywhere he goes he looks for eyes like that, but he never finds them.

His begins to separate his life into two categories- before and after. Whenever he speaks to people they always turn a puzzled gaze on him and ask, before what? After what?

His answer is always the same. Before him. After Alec.

(Alec Alec Alec Lightwood.)

He's had lovers after Alec. Lovers he never committed to, lovers he kissed while thinking of Alec's lips, lovers he held while thinking of Alec's strong embrace, and he would trace marks on their skin the way he used to trace Alec's marks.

They all left. Some, Magnus left, because they couldn't compare and he had enough of pretending. Others- most- left because they knew they would never be enough. They knew they were wasting their time, that none of them could overtake the memory of that one Shadowhunter Magnus wouldn't- couldn't- forget.

He had lovers before him, and he's had lovers after, but that's all they were. Alec Alec Alec Lightwood was the only one who ever took on the role of boyfriend.

He had lovers before, and he's had lovers after, and he'll have lovers still, because Magnus can live forever (even though Alec couldn't).

Magnus can- and will- search for a hundred hundred years, but in the end, close is all there is.