LABYRINTH: A PARODY

(A/N) I do not own the Film and/or characters of Labyrinth.
I do, however, have a deep love for it. Because I love it I have written this parody.
Please enjoy and review!!

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Once upon a time in the 80 s there lived a young girl named Sarah. She was around fifteen or sixteen and liked to dress up in medieval gowns and walk through the park acting out books.

"Oh my God, Lila!" she said, pretending to be Jessica Wakefield, "Bruce Patman is totally hot. I would love to ride him in his ..."

She paused for a moment and looked at her dog, Merlin, who was (of course) playing the part of Lila Fowler. "Dammit," she said, "I can never remember that line!"

She opened the book, "Oh ...I would love to ride in 1bruce1!"

Just then the church clock struck seven. "Holy hobbits! Merlin, I don t believe it, its seven o clock!"

Thus began a running montage. Sarah ran over bridges, pavements, roads, and people, barrelling down anything or anyone who got in her way. While she was running music played; It was Janie's Got a Gun by Aerosmith, namely the bit where Steven sings 'Run away, ruuuuunnnnnnn awayyy from the pai-ai-ai-ai-i-ain!'

When she arrived at her house, which was located in neither the poor nor rich part of town (so you can bet that John Hughes has nothing to do with this) the front door opened and her stepmother appeared to greet her.

"Oh Sarah! I was so worried about you! It said on the TV that an escaped convict just escaped and he targets young girls wearing medieval costumes! I was afraid you had been killed!"

Sarah stared defiantly at the horrid woman her father had married. How she had loved her real mother, Linda, who was currently living it up in L.A as a crack whore.

"Oh dear," her stepmother said, looking at the sky, "It s raining. Do you want to bring Merlin inside so he can be warm by the fire?"

"FINNNNE!!" Sarah screamed, "Merlin, go to the garage! GO!!!"

Merlin slunk off, tears pouring down his furry face.

Sarah pushed past her stepmother and into the house, treading muddy footprints everywhere.

"You know, darling, it you had wanted to stay out later we would have been happy to cancel our first romantic evening since the baby was born," her stepmother said.

"GOD!" Sarah cried, pausing on the stairs, "You go out EVERY night. It s not fair! WHAT IF I HAD PLANS?"

"Then I would sacrifice my marriage for you! her stepmother cried, I would like it if you had a date, you should have dates at your age!"

"What's Bruce then?" Sarah asked, jutting her chin angrily.

They both looked out of the window at the driveway where Bruce Patman, Sweet Valley's resident bad boy and tennis player, was polishing his car and stocking up on paper cups and wine.

"He's a figment of your imagination," the stepmother said sadly. All she could see out of the window was a decrepit homeless man rooting through their garbage.

"FIIIIIINNNNEE!" Sarah screamed, "I can t do anything right! Fuck you all!" With that she ran off to her bedroom and slammed the door behind her.

Her stepmother looked at Sarah s father with tears in her eyes. "She treats me like a wicked stepmother no matter what I say. I even bought her a Playstation 3 the other day, which hasn t even been invented yet, and she just stomped on it!"

Sarah's father sighed and handed baby Toby to his wife, "I'll talk to her!"

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Sarah was in her room, talking to her mirror.
"But Todd!" she breathed, fluttering her eyelashes, "Of course I m not Jessica!"

There was a knock at her door.

"PISS OFF!" she cried, throwing a china pot at the wall. It smashed over the sofa.

There was a whistle and then a man with a moustache sat up and looked at her. "Whew," he said, "has the war started?"

Sarah's eyes widened, "Sir you should have made yourself known, you are no gentleman!"

He laughed, "And you Miss are no lady."

He walked over to the window, "Telegram me sometime!" Then he disappeared.

Sarah blinked rapidly, her heart thundering in her bosom. She felt like a fluttering southern belle, like she might faint or open a lumber yard and steal her sister s beau. Not that she had a sister.

"Sarah, we need to talk!" her father said from behind the door.

She whirled around and glared at the offending door-voice. "What's there to talk about?" she asked.

Her father sighed, "Look, we've put Toby to bed and we're going to leave now. We ll be back around twelve!"

Sarah s face turned red and steam poured out of her ears, "YOU REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO ME, DIDN T YOU!" she screamed, flinging herself on her bed, which bounced her back off so that she landed on the floor.

It was then that she noticed her most prized possession, a Brandon Walsh Barbie that she had put make-up on and dressed in an evening gown, was missing from her shelf.

"Some a-hole has been in my room again," she hissed, getting to her feet. Didn t everyone know that touching her Beverly Hills dolls was the one thing she forbid above all other forbidden things. The list of which included; touching her sweet valley books, breathing near her food, insinuating that she was less than sane, looking at her in the wrong way, smelling like toast, asking her to baby-sit, playing Panic At the Disco anywhere she might hear it or sense it, being her stepmother, being her father, being a mouth-breathing baby named Toby and so on...

"IT'S NOT FAIR!" She yelled, kicking her door down, walking across the hall and kicking her parent s bedroom door down and then looming over Toby s cot like a PMS-ing bitch. Sure enough Toby was getting his baby spit all over Brandon-Barbie's head.

Sarah grabbed the doll and squealed at the big goop of spit that dropped off it and onto her foot. She growled at Toby who immediately started crying. It was more like wailing actually, and it made Sarah's ears bleed.

"You wanna story?" she asked, chucking the gross spitty doll in the bin. "Fine. I ll tell you a story." She crossed over to look in the mirror, her favourite pastime, "Once upon a time there was this awesomely beautiful girl named Sarah and she was so beautiful that she looked even better that Molly Ringwald at the Prom in Pretty in Pink. But her father and stepmother left her to take care of a stupid mouth-breathing baby all the time and the baby was cruel to her. It made her take out the garbage, set the table, do the ironing and wash the car. As well as that it routinely threw up and cried and slobbered all over everything!"

She glared at Toby and stole his nappy, which she then put on her head, "Yeah, he also poops everywhere. But what no one knew was that the King of the Goblins had fallen in love with the girl and he had given her certain powers. And so one night, when the baby's poop had been particularly smelly, she called on the goblins for help."

Sarah picked Toby up and crossed over to the side of the room that had dramatic smoke and lightening effects. She held the squirming baby high over her head.

"GOBLIN KING, Goblin King, wherever you may be, take this child far away from me!!!"

Suddenly there was a cut to a room filled with goblins. "Where'd she learn that crap?" one asked, "It doesn t even start with I wish !" "And she didn t sacrifice a virginal goat," said another, looking around at his comrades, "Or did we get rid of that clause? I can t remember ."

The camera cut back to Sarah and Toby who were weathering a special effects storm.

"Oh fuck this," Sarah said, tossing Toby back in his crib. She stomped over to the door and then, in slow motion, turned back around to glare at Toby some more. "I wish the goblins would come and take you away," she said in a deep, ominous voice, "Right now!" Then she flicked the light switch up and down a couple of times and left to make some pop-tarts.

It was when she had eaten the pop-tarts, watched seven MTV music videos and spied on her next door neighbour, Jerry Dandridge, that she realised Toby had been completely silent for the past hour. Worried, she ran back up stairs and burst into the baby's room.

"TOBY!" she cried, "Why aren t you crying?"

She approached the crib and tentatively pulled back the blankets to reveal.... Mini-me.
"Urrgh!" she cried, dropping the blankets back over him. "Where the frack is Toby? Did you take him?" she pointed to a small man with long hair and a beard who appeared to be making out with thin air. "Did you take him, huh, Gaius Frakking Baltar?"

The man jumped, and looked around his surroundings in confusion, "Right," he said in an English accent, "Obviously I am insane today or it s a Cylon trap... Jesus Christ!"

Another bearded man popped out of midair, "You called?" he asked, eating a snickers.

"Frak me!" Baltar exclaimed, "We could be twins. Tell me, do you have a blonde cylon ho-bag as a girlfriend too?"

Sarah rolled her eyes; obviously they were on the wrong set. She looked wildly around the room and noticed several small, hairy puppets running around and banging into things. "Jeez it's the Muppet pub-crawl again, isn t it?" she asked, "I've told you before; I'm not cleaning up your felt and fluffy insides again!"

Just then an owl burst in through the window as lightening cracked across the sky and Robin Williams raced up the stairs to see if Hook had kidnapped his kids. When the owl turned into a lycra-clad David Bowie he blushed, "Sorry, my mistake. You definetly aren t Dustin Hoffman!"

Sarah looked at the man who had just appeared before her in really tight leggings. "Wow," she breathed. He was sexy, skinny, blonde, eighties, ethereal, English and totally awesome. He could only be, "Ar... are you the Goblin King presently known as Jareth?"

He smiled, "Of course. P.S I took your baby. So here, this is a marble and if you wave it around in the air like this it will show you your dreams," he wiggled the marble in front of her face, "Do you want it?"

Sarah looked suggestively at the bulge in the front of his pants, "You know what I want," she said, licking her lips.

Jareth blushed and covered that area with a conveniently placed goblin, "Then forget the baby," he said.

"BUT I CAN'T!" Sarah wailed suddenly, remembering that she was a fifteen year old girl and not a horny bitch, "Please give him back, he must be so scared!"

"What's said is said," Jareth warned, "P.S don t defy me!" He turned the marble into a snake and threw it at her. Sarah squealed at then squealed again as it turned into a poncho. God she HATED those things.

"I CAN'T!" she cried, "I have to get him back, please tell me where he is!"

"He's there," Jareth pointed out of the window to a maze where four students dressed in wizarding robes and carrying wands were about to compete for the Tri-wizard cup.

"Hogwarts?" Sarah asked, "COOL!"

"Oops, sorry," Jareth clicked his fingers and the scene changed to a huge LABYRINTH that glittered and twinkled in the orangey light. In the centre of the Labyrinth was a castle and over the castle was a sign that read TOBY = HERE .

"Is that the castle at the centre of the Labyrinth?" Sarah asked hesitantly.

"You have 13 hours in which to solve the Labyrinth," Jareth said, indicating a clock upon the face of which he had written the number 13 with a sharpie. "Or your baby brother becomes one of us ...forever ....."

"What, like a glam rock star?" Sarah asked, thinking that could be cool.

"No!" Jareth snapped, "A goblin... such a pity" . Then he faded away with the clock.

Sarah sighed and stared out at the Labyrinth before looking down at her feet, which were abnormally large and hairy. Her father said she had inherited them from her great grandfather, Samwise Gamgee.

"Well, come on feet!" She said, setting off on her adventure.

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To be continued.............