Title: the Weight of Knowing
Author: de Duchess
Disclaimer: Don't own. If I did - I'd hire better writers for the show.
Spoilers: Reckoning. Disregard anything post that
Pairing: Clark / Lois

Summary: The choices we make, lead to life we live. But sometimes it's impossible to live with our choices. And sometimes, we get to change them. But mostly we live with the weight of knowing, that our choices - were wrong. This is Clark's story. About the choice that changed his life and his journey to try and fix it. These are the consequences.

Choices. A desperate decision. The consequences.

~The Weight of Knowing~

Sadness. A deep sorrow only outweighed by the immense guilt that stained his soul.

Tears leaked unobstructed down his face, the cold wind stinging his eyes. But he didn't blink, didn't move. He could hardly breathe. Crouched in front of the open grave he could do nothing but weep.

Behind him Chloe whimpered. Being led away by an equally distraught Martha Kent. He tried to close of his hearing. Tried not to listen to the gut wrenching sobs that accompanied them as they made no effort to hide their grief.

Lucy Lane stood tall. Clinging to her fathers hand she had barely cried. She was in a state of shock, bordering on catatonic. Her eyes were swimming with tears, her expression locked on immense sadness. An expression mirrored on the Generals face.

Chloe threw herself into his arms. With his niece sobbing into his chest and his daughters death grip around his arm Sam Lane felt the tight constricting around his heart. His throat clenching painfully. He leaned forward slowly to rest his chin against Chloe's blond head and for a moment let the pain overtake him. Closed his eyes to stop the tears from falling. Pressed his lips together so to hold in the scream of sorrow he wanted to unleash.

'I did this.' Clark didn't squash the thought as it rose, unbidden in his head.

He'd caused their pain. He wished it hadn't taken this to bring the Lane family back together again.

Clark froze. The cold taking hold of his entire being for a moment. The Lane family wasn't together again. At least not completely. And it never would be again. Because of him.

A hand rested heavily on his shoulder. Jonathan squatted down slowly next to his son, taking in the expression of despair on his face. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't. There was nothing that could be said that would mean anything right now.

He felt as if he'd buried a daughter today. In a way… He had.

"Son. We need to go." He told him quietly. A few feet away the men were waiting. Ready to fill up the grave. There was nothing more to be done here.

"I killed her Dad." Clark didn't look up. He stared at the dark blue coffin as it rested in the ground. Stared at what he'd caused.

"I knew. I didn't care. Someone had to die and I took it for granted." He choked. Swallowing down the bile that he had miraculously been able to contain. "And now I've killed her."

"Clark." Jonathan shook his head, gripping his sons shoulder more tightly. "This is not your fault."

Clark didn't seem to hear him, just continued his vigil. Jonathan gripped his arm and carefully stood up, pulling Clark up with him. Slowly he led him away, walking towards a still crying Martha who was valiantly wiping her eyes. They were the only ones left.

They reached the truck in silence and he opened the door, only to see that Clark had turned around and was once again staring at the grave in the distance. He couldn't hear it, but he saw his son form the words.

"I'm sorry Lois."

~TBC

Authors Note:
This is a story I started two years ago, that I've been working on, on and off since then. It's posted at the Divine Intervention message board (incomplete, but updates will continue there in a few weeks). Now that it's coming to its end, I though I'd post it here too.
Updates will come once a week. Enjoy!

Also: Sorry about the format... took me a while to get it to look right. For anyone who suddenly found that the chapter had disapeared, yeah, that was me.