The Batshit Beginning

Disclaimer: I am replacing my original parody with this new one, because I really am not proud of it anymore. ASOUE belongs to Daniel Handler, and all the rights of his characters belong to him, yadda yadda yadda, that's all, good bye, the end.

Rating: PG-13 for language

Chapter One: A Woeful Book

If you are interested in stories with happy endings, then why the hell did you pick up a book entitled, "A Series of Unfortunate Events"? Doesn't the name of the book give you a clue that it is not a happy story? Well, it is not, because not only is there no happy ending, there is not happy beginning, no happy middle, no happy beginiddle, no happy middling, and very few happy things in the beginddling. This is because the Baudelaire siblings, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny, had some of the shittiest luck in the world. They are only fourteen, twelve, and one respectively, yet their lives already sucked. Now, doesn't that sound sad? Because if it doesn't, you're a sadist. Unless you like miserable stories, in which case you're a masochist.

Oh, I almost forgot. I like to use big words. Why? Because I can. I'll explain what some of the complicated—and the not-so-complicated—words mean later on.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes. Ahem.

Like I said, this book is very unhappy and unpleasant. It is ride with anger, terror, sadness, horror, fear, misfortune, despair, misery, hopelessness, anguish, anxiety, cruelty, vice, and villainy. If you're interested, then read on………sadist. If not, then go read some other book, like The Giving Tree.

Good, now all that shit is out of the way.

Crap, I wasn't supposed to say that out loud!

Um…moving on.

The three children were at Briny Beach. They lived with their parents in a big, huge, freaking mansion in the middle of a big, huge, freaking city named Luvrentown, and were rich. They often went to the beach, on cloudy days such as today, because it would be cliché if they went to the beach on sunny days.

What? This doesn't sound unfortunate? Well, no shit, Sherlock! Just keep your shirts on, I'm getting to the unfortunate part. I just have to introduce the characters first.

Violet, the oldest Baudelaire, was a total valley girl. She loved spending her money—she had much more than any fourteen year old girl should, but hey, that's America for you—on superfluous—a word which here means, "unnecessary"—crap, like designer clothes. Why wouldn't she? She's a rich teenager. It's not like she would waste her life trying to invent stuff. Hell no. Inventing is for nerds.

Klaus, the middle child, was twelve and was the only boy. He liked to read. Relax. He's not a complete nerd, he watches TV and occasionally plays racket ball. When he reads, he usually researches things. When he's not researching, he's reading a book that has naked girls in it.

Sunny was the youngest. She was a baby. No, not an ordinary baby, a super badass baby with razor sharp teeth that could cut the bark off of trees, or climb out of an elevator shaft. What? That sounds improbable? Well, this is a book, dumbasses. It doesn't have to be probable, does it? As the author, I could even make Sunny be a cook if I wanted to. Which I might just do in about eight or nine more books…

But for now, she just has badass teeth. Oh, and she speaks baby talk, which I will translate.

Right now, she said "Gack!", which meant, "Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog!"

The kids turned to see a mysterious figure emerging from the fog.

"Like, oh my God!" Violet complained. "I, like, cannot believe this! First, I, like, get dragged out onto the beach on, like, a cloudy day by, like, an ubergeek, and now a mysterious, like, figure is coming, like, right at me! It's probably, like, some pervert! I, like, hope he isn't, like, staring at my boobs!"

"What boobs?" Klaus asked. "Your chest is as flat as a sheet of paper!"

-WHACK-

"Ow!"

"Rock!" Sunny suggested. She meant something like, "Let's throw a rock at the mysterious figure emerging from the fog!"

"Oh my God, that is, like, such an uber awesome idea!" Violet declared. "Why didn't I, like, think of that?"

She threw a rock at the mysterious figure emerging from the fog. It hit the mysterious figure emerging from the fog square in the head.

"Whoa!" shouted the mysterious figure emerging from the fog. "Uncool, man! Give peace a chance, bros!"

The children realized that the mysterious figure emerging from the fog was none other than the banker Mr. Poe.

Hi, Mr. Poe!" Klaus greeted.

"Hey, man!" Mr. Poe replied.

"Like, oh my God, I'm, like so sorry!" Violet apologized. "I, like, totally didn't realize it was you!"

"It's okay, sister!" Mr. Poe said. "It'll heal in time, bro. All it needs is a little peace and love!"

"I guess you're not a gangsta like in Random Little Writer's parody, huh?" Klaus asked.

"No way, bro. I'm totally a hippie. Gangstas are just so…negative, man."

So, there you have it, Mr. Poe was a hippie.

"Whassup?" Sunny asked, which sounded gangsta, but was really baby for, "What brings you here, Mr. Poe?"

"Oh, I'm sorry to bust your bubble, bros, but I've got some uncool news." Mr. Poe bowed his head. "Your parents just recently bit the dust."

"Huh?" Violet asked.

"Your parents kicked the bucket."

"Like, what does that mean?"

"Your parents licked the dope."

"Oh my God, stop being so, like, cryptic and shit!" Violet whined. "What did our parents do?"

"I'm sorry to bring such negativity, bro," Mr. Poe said, "but your parents died."

"What?" Klaus asked.

"What?" Violet asked.

"What?" Sunny asked, which meant, "What?"

"Jeeze, bros, I don't know how to explain the negativity any clearer!" Mr. Poe breathed. "They died in a fire that also destroyed your mansion. Hey, that's what happens when you live materialistically."

"Are you blaming our parents for their deaths?" Klaus asked incredulously.

"Like, what is your uber deal with materials?" Violet asked stupidly.

"Whoa, now I don't wish to say I'm glad your parents died," Mr. Poe stammered. "That would be unpeaceful, man, and that's uncool. I was just saying that living materialistically leads to pollution and other bad things, bros! Now that you're orphans, and will be living under my roof until I kind find you a guardian, I'll teach you all about giving peace and chance, and loving the environment!"

"Boring!" Sunny said, which meant, "What sap would want to do that? I've heard Glen Beck, Mr. Poe, and he says that people like you push the insidious liberal agenda."

Oh, I forgot to mention. Sunny watched a lot of FOX News.

"Like, oh my God!" Violet whined. "Can I at least get some of my designer clothes out of the mansion!?"

"I'm afraid not, sis," Mr. Poe replied. "You see, the fire was very uncool and violent, it destroyed everything in that house. Only the stone frame remains, man."

"Did all our money burn up?" Klaus asked.

"Like, oh my God, that would, like, totally suck if it did!" Violet said, imagining all her money igniting in the blaze.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Mr. Poe was suddenly furious. "Your parents fucking die, and all you fucking care about is fucking money!? That is so not cool, bros! I think you need to be taught a lesson in living like normal people! That's why I'm not letting your borrow money from the bank, where your fortune sits. Yes, it's fine, goddamnit! But you can't use a cent of it until Violet is eighteen. That's when you inherit it by law. Maybe by then you won't be so selfish, and you'll realize that there is more to life than money!"

For a hippie who hated riches and surplus money, it's strange that Mr. Poe decided to become a banker. Even stranger was that he kept his job at Mulctuary Money Management despite constantly dissing the place. That can't have been very good for business.

"Jeeze, take a chill pill!" Violet said, with even greater attitude than usual.

Mr. Poe coughed into his handkerchief. He coughed a lot, because his car was full of pot smoke all the time. He is a hippie, after all.

"No, man, I usually just get high whenever I get angry." Mr. Poe seemed to be regaining his cool.

"I was, like, being sarcastic," Violet said in a snippy tone.

"Well, we should probably get going," Mr. Poe said, ignoring Violet completely. "I'd hate to get caught in the rain. It's such a mood killer, you know?"

"Dude, you just walked up to us and told us our parents died," Klaus said, even more incredulously than before.

"Not only that, but I can't use my money until I'm, like, eighteen!?" Violet was distraught. "That means I can't keep up to date on buying, like, the latest Abercrombie and Fitch styles! That, like, totally bites ass!"

"Crymeariver!" Sunny said, which mean, "Oh, you'll get over it!"

And so, the Baudelaires, now orphans, were no longer rich, and no longer lived in a big, huge, freaking mansion. Now, that sounds unfortunate.

Trust me, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Sorry that this chapter is so short, but first chapters often are. I like this parody much better than my first one so far. I'm waiting to see what you guys think.