The Amusing Reviews- Merlin (Series One)

Summary As it says on the tin, BBC's Merlin, reviewed (amusingly) by moi.

Warnings Language. Innuendo. Implied slash. Shameless references to other fandoms

Episode One- The Dragon's Call

I – a Hill. Not just any old hill. A Hill. And various other scenic locations

Over the top of which strides Merlin, looking (and sexy) with his red scarf and blue shirt and stuffs. Whilst Merlin strolls casually and confidently over the hill our ever present narrator Mohinder Sparky John Hurt spouts deep stuff about how a young man cannot know his destiny. Then says the same thing again several times in increasingly elaborate language. Then he tells us just how special Merlin is. As if we can't tell, seeing as he just walked over a cliff in a and sexy way and thus must be the protagonist of the next 13 episodes of this show. Not to mention... The show is called Merlin.

*remembers that we haven't actually been told Merlin's name yet and this and sexy guy could be any warlock. Ha ha.* (moment of sarcasm over)

JOHN HURT His name... Merlin

Really. Never would have guessed that. (I lied about the sarcasm)

This music really reminds me of "All the Strange, Strange Creatures" (which is a piece of incidental music from Doctor Who, don'cha know)

Opening Titles (complete with soaring music, clips from the series, golden sparky-dust and Colin Morgan's sexy magic-eyes)

II – Camelot (big non CGI castle with big CGI town to hide the fact that there is a large French road there in reality)

Impressed!Merlin is impressed.

Some interesting zoomy camera work on Merlin. Funness, although if they do that a lot I might get dizzy.

Ominous drums and horn trumpet things. I sense badstuffs. Apparently Merlin does too. As if the scaffold wasn't enough of a giveaway. Enter a prisoner with a guard on either side. Though they are walking through an empty space at first, in the overhead shot the crowd are parting to let them through *shrugs*

Anthony Head (squee) does his speech thing. Apparently the guy who is about to be executed was conspiring to use enchantments and magic. Erm... King Uther Head? Aren't they the same thing? Worried!Merlin is worried. Mysterious woman (also wearing blue, cause apparently blue and red are much loved colours in the costume department) watches from a window. More soaring music and ominous drumming.

You know, it's kinda weird that this guy is having his head chopped off. Surely a peasant (which this guy is, by the look of him) would be hanged or something. Meh, I guess head-chopping is quicker.

Mysterious woman ish not happy. Merlin looks like Uther just personally gutted his kitten in front of him.

UTHER Dragons and shit are ebil, k? So, since I just killed a bloke who did ebil shit... I'm gonna have a party to celebrate!

Cue wailing (in a Welsh accent) Everybody backs away, cause it's FREAKYEBILOLDWOMAN!GWEN COOPER! She doesn't actually look that upset, to be honest, just slightly annoyed. Probably all those prosthetics wrinkles.

WITCH!GWEN *wailingly* You are the ebil one. You took my son, now I make yours DIE, BITCH!

UTHER Oh crap

WITCH!GWEN *necklacegrab* *unintelligablewailingspell**screamingtornadoofdeath* *disappears*

The mysterious woman closes her window, mysteriously.

Merlin knocks on Gaius' door and gets no answer. What does Merlin do? Yup, go inside anyway. For some reason there is a Donnie Darko rabbit mask on a table. And it's only after a bit more snooping that he actually notices Gaius standing on a precarious balcony. So precarious that it breaks apart when Merlin coughs. Luckily, Merlin is a Time Lord in disguise and manages to slow down time enough to move a bed which Gaius can land on. What a bed is doing in the middle of his workroom I have no idea. But we do get some nice magic-golden eyes from Colin Morgan 

GAUIS WTF just happened?

MERLIN Nothing *shifty eyes* No, it was absolutely nothing to do with me. Not me at all. I don't know why you are looking at me, because it wasn't me *puts hands in pockets and whistles innocently*

GAIUS You know MAGIC!

MERLIN I... don't?

GAIUS Are you lying to me? *deathglare*

MERLIN *cowers*

GAIUS Who the hell are you anyway?

Apparently Merlin's mother knows Gaius (heh...) which is probably the reason why Gaius promises not to tell Uther about Merlin's specialness. That and, Merlin's specialness just saved him from major back injury.

Guest star for all of twenty seconds (aka. Hunith) obviously doesn't see things the same way Virginia Gray does. Meanwhile, Gaius looks as if he's reading an epic novel and not a letter from a woman who thinks her son should be sent somewhere he could possibly be killed by a king in a sexy red cloak for his own safety.

III – Window of execution viewing

Mysterious woman (who is actually Uther's ward, Morgana) hasn't moved from the window all day, so Uther comes to fetch her (still wearing his long flappy cloak of kingness) They argue cryptically about something that happened twenty years ago for a while.

UTHER Magic is bad. The end. Now do what I say or else *leaves in silhouette of coak flappyness*

MORGANA Die bitch

IV – Creepy Forest

Some very wise (*cough*) person has decided to set up their travelling tent in the middle of a creepy forest. Just to add to the creepiness, a woman is humming. Creepily. And with a Welsh accent. This turns out to be Gwen Cooper Lady Helen, who has nothing better to do with her life than look at mirrors and play with her hair.

TREES *rustle*

HELEN *turnaroundwideeyes*

GUARDS *swordposing*

CREEPY McCREEPFACE *hums creepily*

Creepy McCreepface turns out to be the witch lady from Camelot, who's voice is freakishly similar to that of Lady Helen (*coughcough*) As if to prove the point, WitchLady stabs a voodoo doll with a dagger until Lady Helen dies on the couch. WitchLady then uses her magic necklace of doom to turn herself into Lady Helen. And Eve Myles is happy because she no longer has to wear prosthetics this episode... or not, because reflective surfaces still show the WitchLady reflection. Oh well.

V – Back in Camelot

JOHN HURT *loudest whisper in the history of the universe* Merlin...

Close up of Colin Morgan's insanely cute blue eyes. At breakfast, Gaius tricks Merlin into using magic to stop a bucket of water from falling off a table. So much for subtlety, Gaius.

GAIUS Well, we'd better keep you out of trouble

MERLIN By tricking me into using magic? Good plan.

GAIUS You can be my personal assistant, isn't that great?

MERLIN *facepalm*

Merlin goes off for a day of giving remedies to various people and gawking at architecture. Then runs into somebody's target practise. Luckily, that somebody is sexy blonde prince Arthur, who has blue eyes of cuteness to rival Colin Morgan's. And a cheeky smile. Unfortunately, Merlin does not find the harassing of servants funny.

MERLIN Stop plz

PRINCE SEXY () Do I know you?

MERLIN I'm Merlin

ARTHUR So I don't know you

I think this might be Arthur's own personal brand of flirting. He then invites Merlin to hit him, which Merlin attempts, but Arthur manages to flip him round with his arm pinned behind his back in a position that really shouldn't look as sexual as it does. Then Arthur has Merlin thrown in jail for good measure.

VI – Great Hall of chivalrousness

Lady Helen (now Evil!Lady Helen) is wearing a long, flappy cloak to rival all long, flappy cloaks. Apparently she managed to get the real Lady Helen's body out of the tent. As per usual, she is accompanied by creepy humming. I want her purple dress. And Morgana's dress too. Uther is chivalrous. Helen is smiley.

VII – Camelot jail cells

JOHN HURT Merlin...

Merlin puts his ear to the floor and sticks his ass in the air. Very dignified. Gaius, king of good (*cough*) timing, chooses that moment to come in and tell Merlin that he's an idiot but he's still managed to get Merlin released... but not before...

VIII – STOCKS TIME!

In which Merlin is pelted with tomatoes. And appears to be enjoying it *shrugs* Gwen, who also has very good (*cough*) timing, chooses that moment to turn up and flirt. She is also wearing very brightly coloured clothing for a servant. Apparently Arthur is a "rough, tough, save-the-cheerleader-save-the-world kind of man" and Merlin isn't.

MERLIN I'm in disguise

MERLIN'S BEARD heh...

PEOPLE TOMATO THROWING TIME!

GWEN Oh crap *runs away*

IX – Gaius's cafe (today's special, gruel and leftover vegetables from the stocks)

MERLIN My mother said that I was special

GAIUS You are special. The likes of which I have never seen before

GABRIEL GRAY *sulks*

GAIUS Now go take a preparation to Lady Helen

MERLIN Why?

GAIUS To advance this episode's plot. Now off you go

X – Lady Helen's room

Merlin knocks and then goes in without a reply... Again. The mirror is covered over. There is also a straw doll in a very conspicuous place and a big heavy book. , Lady Helen.

Lady Helen approaches, then stops in a corridor for a moment. Her evil senses are tingling.

HELEN What the fuck are you doing in my room?

MERLIN Erm...

EVILREFLECTION!HELEN *hiss*

MERLIN *runs for it*

Merlin then also pauses in the corridor. His suspicion senses are tingling. He then goes out into the courtyard only to be stopped by... Prince Sexy. Aww, you've only just met him and you can't keep away from each other :)

ARTHUR Don't run away! *translation: I'm trying to flirt with you. Stand still*

MERLIN *strips off his jacket* Bring it, bitch

The Prat (Arthur) and Merlin then have an epic mace!fight, during which Arthur manages to wreck several merchants stalls without general complaint. Then again, they are probably used to it.

MERLIN *falls over*

ARTHUR You're in trouble now

WHY DO THESE THINGS HAVE TO SOUND SO SEXUAL?!?

Luckily Merlin is saved by some well timed (*cough*) magic which causes Arthur a very painful toe. Then Arthur causes Merlin a very painful something else.

ARTHUR There's something about you, Merlin. I can't quite put my finger on it

MERTHUR SHIPPERS SQUEE!

XI – Gaius' massage parlour

Gaius ish not happy. Merlin rants about how if he can't use magic he is nothing and might as well die. My brain goes into connection overdrive. Merlin goes to his room to sprawl on his bed and sulk

GAIUS Merlin, sit up and take your shirt off

MERLIN TEH HECK?!

GAIUS Just do it, Merlin

MERLIN *takes shirt off*

ENTIRE VEIWING POPULATION *stare*

Gaius cleans Merlin's wound and they have a little heart-to-heart about being special. My brain explodes.

XII – In which Lady Helen is (sarcasm)

HELEN Your son had better be at my performance tomorrow *hint hint, wink wink* He must have found it hard to grow up without a mother. The bond between mother and son is very hard to replace

UTHER *eats a strawberry*

HELEN What if you married again? *suggestive giggle*

MY BRAIN *recovered from connection-explosion* WTF? SHE'S AN EVIL OLD WITCH AND HE KILLED HER SON AND SHE'S FLIRTING WITH HIM!

OBLIVIOUS!UTHER *is oblivious*

XIII –the Great Slash Dragon!

JOHN HURT Merlin... My throat is from whispering 'Merlin' over and over...

Gaius snores

Merlin goes off on a midnight stroll to somewhere deep below the castle and finds...

GREAT DRAGON () You must help Arthur become king, kk, cos you haz DESTINY!

MERLIN What are you? The Great Slash Dragon?

GSD Basically... Yeah *flies away* DESTINY, MERLIN! DESTINY! (never-ending chain goes 'clink clink')

MERLIN ... TEH HECK?!

XIV – The next morning

Gaius ish not happy with the state of Merlin's room, so Merlin gets shouted at and is told to go deliver something in a fancy looking bottle to Morgana, who is suffering from plot points nightmares. Once again, Merlin enters without knocking. Morgana fails to notice, because she is clever like that, and thinks that he is Gwen. Perhaps Gwen doesn't knock either.

MORGANA You know, I've been thinking about Arthur...

ARTHUR/MORGANA SHIPPERS *wait with baited breath*

MORGANA ... I wouldn't touch him with a lance pole

ARTHUR/MORGANA SHIPPERS *disappointed*

Morgana goes behind a screen and removes her dress from her shoulder in a way that is surely far too suggestive for Saturday night primetime television. Merlin continues pretending to be Gwen, instead of doing the intelligent thing and getting the hell out of there, until Gwen actually does turn up and save him. And the rest of us are left wondering how the heck Merlin's crappy impression actually fooled Morgana.

Why do they have to play that music whenever Merlin and Gwen are within three feet of each other? It is very disconcerting for the non-Merlin/Gwen shippers.

XIIV – Evil old crone Lady Helen's room

Ah, some servants in this place know her to knock. Though this woman is a total fangirl. Well, at least until she uncovers the mirror

EVILREFLECTIONHELEN *headturnapplehold*

FANGIRLSERVANT teh heck...?

HELEN Crapness

Helen sucks the life out of the fangirl simply by holding her wrist and humming creepily. Dead!fangirl is .

XV – Lady Helen's performance. One night only. Cobwebs and evil enchantments included for free.

Gaius has joined the hordes of people wearing blue. Morgana is looking rather like a medieval Bond Girl.

ARTHUR God have mercy

ARTHUR/MORGANA SHIPPERS W00t!

MERLIN *stare*

MERLIN/MORGANA SHIPPERS W00t!

GWEN She looks great, doesn't she?

GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS W00t!

Gwen then goes on about how Morgana is born to be queen and how she wouldn't want to be like her. Plot points FTW.

GWEN Who would want to marry Arthur?

MERLIN ...

GWEN I like much more ordinary men like you

MERLIN Gwen, believe me, I am not ordinary

Feel the burn Gwen, you just got rejected. We all know who Merlin really likes.

Meanwhile...

Lady Helen is preparing for her performance (read: humming creepily over her necklace) Dead pale fangirl is still dead and pale.

For the first and only time this series, Uther is wearing a blue flappy cloak instead of a red one. And a rather nice circlet crown. It looks rather good on him. For some reason, his introduction of Lady Helen makes me laugh. He's like the conductor at a concert. An unseen band plays. Lady Helen's yellow dress is also rather nice (bringing the total of dresses from this episode that I want to own to about five. The number will probably increase as the series goes on)

Eve Myles has a nice singing voice (if it actually is Eve Myles singing) I wonder why Uther doesn't get suspicious when he hears the words. Maybe he thinks it's Welsh (which it might well be) The people fall asleep when they hear her, so Merlin covers his ears with his hands (as if that would be enough to block out the sound. His specialness probably makes him immune) Lady Helen is too busy staring sinisterly at Arthur to notice that Merlin isn't affected.

Note to all evil magic peeps. Don't stand under chandeliers when preparing to spear your enemy's son with a dagger. Why Lady Helen throws it instead of just going up and stabbing him I cannot guess. But eviloldcrone!Helen isn't finished yet, and manages to find the strength to hurl the dagger at Arthur anyway. Luckily, Merlin does his Time Lord thing and pulls Arthur out of the way... and on top of him.

MERTHUR SHIPPERS Yay!

EVILOLDCRONE!HELEN Oh shit *dies*

Uther looks kind of shocked. To repay the debt, Uther makes Merlin Arthur's manservant.

ARTHUR AND MERLIN TEH HECK?!?

When they look at each other then look away again it is .

XVI – Gaius' room of congratulations

GAIUS I knew you were a hero from the moment I met you!

MERLIN No you didn't. You spent most of our first conversation yelling at me

GAIUS *ignores him* Hey! You can use your magic to protect Arthur

MERLIN Is everyone around here a slasher or something?!

MERTHUR SLASHERS FAN CLUB (consisting of Gaius, Hunith and Sparky, the Great Slash Dragon) DESTINY! *drink coffee*

GAIUS Now, have this illegal magic book what I've been keeping safe, k?

RANDOM GUARD PERSON Yo, Merlin! Arthur wants you NOW!

MERLIN But it's the middle of the night

GAIUS Heh, heh, heh...

NEXT TIME

Sword fighting! Creepy guy in yellow. Arthur looking pissed! More sword fighting! Snakes! Angry Arthur! Worried Morgana! More sword fighting! Colin Morgan's accent slips!

Oh... and some sword fighting :)

Reviews are love :)