AN: I'll keep it brief and see you guys at the bottom!
Thousands of thank you's go to the wonderful MorganaL who reads through my work and makes it sound good! and all of you who are reviewing and adding UcL to your alerts, it really means alot!
Of course as we all know...I don't own anything to do with Twilight
It had been a week. One of the longest weeks I've been through in a while. Trying to act as though nothing had happened was hard. I tried to throw myself into my work, and it did seem to help somewhat. I'd written three different compositions, two of which were directly influenced by Jasper. Staying true to his word, I hadn't heard from him; he was giving me the space that I'd asked for.
It was what I wanted, right? For all of this to never have happened, for my life to be empty of this confusion and guilt. So why couldn't I get him off my mind? Why did everything I do remind me of him? Of his soft and pink lips, of his gentle but masculine caress. My body craved him more now than it ever had. Now that I knew what I was missing...
He wasn't the only one who was sticking to their promise, either. Alice hadn't spoken his name once in the week that had passed. I was almost waiting for her to point out the fact that I looked uncomfortable when he was mentioned, but she didn't give me a reason to. She had listened to me for once and was trying to respect my wishes. It made me feel even worse. Over the weekend we had our monthly family dinner, which normally consists of me, my parents, Emmett and Rose, and Alice and Jasper. She didn't bring him, and I didn't know whether to love her or hate her for it.
Everyone commented on how preoccupied I looked, and I shrugged it off with an excuse about work. I didn't feel like being the talkative one, and I definitely didn't feel like playing the piano for my mom when she asked me to.
I decided today was my self-designated day off from any sort of work. I was lying in bed still, which was a first for me, considering that it was well after noon and I still had no idea what I was going to do with myself. I didn't feel like doing anything. My mind was too cluttered. I needed to vent. I turned my head to the side and my eyes landed on my running shoes. Jogging normally eases my stress, but I really couldn't be bothered for some reason. As I looked away and continued to rack my brain on how to get my mind away from Jasper, my cell phone started ringing. I picked it up almost immediately, glad for the distraction.
"Oh, so you are alive then?" I sighed in relief; it was pretty stupid of me to pick up the phone not knowing whether it was the person I was trying to hide from. But it was Angela, and we were in dire need of a catch up.
"Hey, Angel." I sighed, with a smile on my face. That was my nickname for her, because I felt as though she truly was my guardian angel. Angela had always been there for me since we met in high school. We actually tried dating for a while – before I admitted to myself who I was. If I were her, I would probably hate me. I led her on, and used her to prove a point to myself and to others. But she was there when I was scared and felt alone, and she's been there to hold my hand ever since. She was one in a million, and the kindest person that I knew. She would give her last dollar if you needed it more than her, even if you had once spat in her face.
"Edward, where have you been? Are you ok?" I furrowed my brow and sat up in bed.
"I'm fine, what's wrong?" She was getting me worried, because she sounded as though something wasn't right.
"You were supposed to be here an hour ago, babe. Remember our brunch date?"
"Oh, shit!" I jumped out of bed and dragged on my clothes. "I'm so so sorry, Angel, I'll be there in fifteen minutes!" She said ok, and then hung up as I dashed around my apartment, trying to get ready. I brushed my teeth and tried without luck to sort out my hair, but I couldn't get it looking any different from the bird's nest that it was. I didn't have time to fiddle with my contacts and so opted with putting my glasses on. I was out of my building and driving the five-minute journey to Angela's within ten minutes of jumping from my bed. That was pretty good timing, if I say so myself.
As I pulled up to her place, she greeted me at her front door, hands on hips and a scowl ruining her beautiful face. She kept her face hard as I approached her, with my puppy-dog expression intact and my hands locked together in a pleading pose. She broke out into her high pitched giggling laugh as I reached her, and threw her arms around my neck.
"Hey baby, I missed you!" She squeezed my neck tightly as I picked her up from the ground and swung her from side to side.
"I'm so sorry, I completely forgot-"
"Hey, don't worry about it, it happens to the best of us. What matters is that you're here now." She patted my chest and then grabbed my hand as she led me through the hallway, the kitchen, and into her garden, where we sat in front of the food. "You can make it up to me another time, and I want the full works. French toast, eggs, bacon, sausage…mmmm."
I laughed as I took in her blissful facial expression. As I was already late, and her plate heaters could only keep the food warm for so long, we quickly dug in to her amazing food. Angela was one of the best cooks that I knew. She almost rivaled my mother. And let me tell you, Esme Cullen was not one to go up against in the kitchen; she put Martha Stewart to shame.
I scraped the last of my food onto my fork, then patted my bloated belly as I swallowed my last mouthful. Angela was watching me with a smirk. "What? Do I have something around my mouth?" I wiped my lips with the back of my hand, just in case.
"No, I'm just waiting for you to tell me what's on your mind, that's all…" She replied casually, before taking a sip of her freshly-squeezed orange juice. Ugh, having a best friend that knew you inside out kinda sucked sometimes; I couldn't hide anything from her. I, too, took a sip of my juice, stalling for time before I had to answer her.
"You're right; I've actually got a lot on my mind right now…It's probably the reason why I forgot about today." I grimaced. Angela took my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
"You know that I'm always here if you need me, Edward. You don't need to keep it bottled up if you don't want to."
And so I told her everything…and I mean everything. It felt so refreshing, being able to express all the inner feelings that I'd been repressing…or, at least, trying to repress for the last seven years. I was finally able to share this burden that's been weighing down on me…as I finished, I finally met her eyes and shrank back at what I saw.
Angela was livid. I'd never seen her angry at someone before; sure, she gets annoyed, but pure anger at another human being…that wasn't Angela. So to see her so infuriated was slightly unnerving.
"I can't believe this, Edward." She was shaking her head, her face fixed into a scowl.
"I know…I'm sorry." I felt like the lowest of the low; she made me feel embarrassed because of how I felt. If only I didn't still have feelings for him. I placed my head in my hands and took a deep breath. She sighed.
"No, Edward, don't be sorry. I mean, yes, this is a really bad situation that you've gotten yourself into; but the only thing that you did wrong was not to tell anyone…"
She moved her chair closer to me and started rubbing my back. "Do you really think that Alice would have given Jasper the time of day if she knew why you two stopped speaking? What he did was cruel, he was selfish back then, and he's being selfish now by putting you in this position…You have to tell Alice, honey. You don't owe him anything…"
I lifted my head slightly, so that I was now holding my chin on my fingertips, as I whispered, "But I love him."
She looked at me sadly. "Sometimes, what we love are the things that are the worst for us…" I stared at her as I took in her words…Is Jasper the worst thing to happen to me? Part of me screamed, asking 'How could feeling like this be wrong?'; but then another part of me – the guilty part -- told me, 'Of course this is wrong, you wouldn't have an inner monologue if it wasn't.'
Driving home I found it incredibly hard to concentrate on the road. My mind just wasn't focused; I kept replaying Angela's wise words about the predicament that I was in.
I needed to leave Jasper alone.
I wasn't used to making decisions based on my heart, because frankly I'd never given it to anyone else. Jasper had stolen it a long time ago. However, nothing good could come out of him and I pursuing anything further than the few conversations that we'd had. Nothing at all could come out of it, other than lies, deceit, guilt and heartbreak. Whether it was my heart that broke, or Alice's; either way, I knew that I couldn't take it.
After parking in front of my apartment, I made my way up to my door and trudged through to the living room. I knew that I needed to call him, to tell him that I had come to a decision. I needed to forget that this had ever happened. Go back to how life used to be. To the days of fucking guys as they came, and then forgetting most of them by the next day. It was a simpler life.
If I put any effort into it, I could get a date just like that. It was never too difficult to get a man to succumb to my charm when I laid it on thick. I hadn't had a serious relationship since Tyler, but I'd had plenty of long nights wrapped up in the sheets of the hottest men Seattle had to offer. Sure, my heart hadn't been too impressed, but my dick sure was. And I hadn't used my technique in a while; I'm sure that Mr Man was resenting me for it.
I scrolled through the contact list on my Blackberry, looking to see if any names jumped out at me. Alistair – no way, too clingy; Carlos – too far away, I didn't feel like committing to that long drive just for sex; George – why did I even have this guy's number, he was the worst fuck I've had in my life; Ian – I shivered, remembering the goose bumps he gave me, and put him in the 'maybe' pile in my mind as I continued scrolling; Jasper – my fingers froze over the ball as I stared at his name. I needed to call him, let him know to forget about this past week. But I was afraid to hear his voice.
I opened up a text message and began to type;
Thank you for not calling…
I deleted that. Why am I thanking him? I'm about to tell him never to call again; what am I going to do, thank him for leaving me alone every time I bump into him? I started again.
We can't do this; I can't do this to Alice. I'll forget what you told me…this never happened…Edward
There, that was straight to the point, not beating around the bush. I pressed the 'send' button and bit my lip as I saw that it had been delivered. I sighed to myself as I rested my head on the back of my couch and contemplated what I'd just done. I did the right thing…right?
Not even a minute later, the phone started ringing loudly in my lap. I looked at the screen, knowing instantly who it must be. I didn't know whether I should pick it up, but he obviously knew that I was close by. I'd just sent him the text.
Tentatively, I pressed the green light, but didn't say anything. My heart was beating loudly in my chest; how did he make my body react like this when he wasn't even in the same room as me? I'd never been like this with anyone else, and it scared me.
"Edward? Edward it's me…" He sounded anxious; I bit my lip as I took a deep breath through my nose before replying.
"Why are you calling me, Jasper?" I said quietly, trying to build up any strength that I had so that I could talk to him and sound resolute with my decision.
"Edward, your text…I know you don't want that-"
"You don't know what I want…"
"Yes, I do." he interrupted me. "I know that what I felt last week wasn't a one sided-thing, and I've given you your space to come to terms with it…but I know that you want me as much as I want you." I shook my head, even though I knew that he couldn't see me.
"I can't do it…I won't." He was silent for a few seconds and I took that time to get myself together. My hands were shaking from the adrenaline rush that was brought on by talking to him. He switched tactics.
"Alice and I aren't happy, Edward. We were gonna break up anyway. You and I being…friends" – he emphasized the word as if trying to prove something --"isn't going to make a difference. That's all we have to be, if that's what you want…I can be your friend, anything is better than nothing."
"You're not happy?" That was news to me. Alice still held her love struck grin most days; I had no idea they even had minor arguments, let alone bad times where they weren't happy.
"No, we've been going through a rough patch recently, but you know…things happen, and they do for a reason…" he said fervently. "We can be friends, Edward. I just want to have you in my life again…"
"Friends?" I repeated, furrowing my eyebrows. Wondering if I could, in fact, be his friend.
"If that's what you want…" he said softly. "Alice would be happy that we've finally started talking." he dropped in optimistically.
"Yeah…yeah I guess she would." I replied, feeling my weakening resolve crumble to dust. "Friends, then?"
"Friends." he repeated. I could hear the lip splitting-grin that he sported through the sound of his voice. He stopped me before I had a chance to hang up. "Edward…do me a favor, uh, could you let me tell Alice, please?"
"Uh…sure." I sputtered. Hanging up, I realized that I hadn't thought we were going to tell her so soon. But, I guess there was no point hiding it; she'd be over the moon. I just hoped that I could live up to this and actually be his friend. I hoped that I was strong enough for this.
AN:
Ok guys, so I'm not sure if you read my other fic "The Hand that rocks the Cradle" but I'm going to repeat what I said in my last AN... I've just started Uni and they're working us so hard already, I'm going to try my best to update as soon as possible but right now I really have to concentrate on my degree. I will still be working on both stories and trust me it wont be ridiculously long until you hear from me. I'll be back very soon! (^^,)
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