A/N: Saw the episodes "SWAK" and "Twilight" for the first time last night and was hit with inspiration while viewing "Mind Games" and "Silver War" this evening. However, I still haven't seen either part of "Kill Ari," so for all I know, this might be inconsistent with something in those episodes. It is meant to take place one week after Kate's death; doesn't make a difference whether Ari is alive or dead.
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS.
Sighs of Sorrow
Tony stared up at the building in front of him, his insides churning. He squared his shoulders and sucked in a long breath of air.
You will not cry. DiNozzo's don't cry.
But then her face flashed before his eyes. She smiled; the beginning of a laugh; then the bullet tore through the back of her head. Her blood sprayed on his face.
He reached up quickly, half-expecting to feel the warm sticky substance. But of course there was nothing. There had been nothing for a week, nothing but the memories, the pain. The nightmares.
Tony shook his head and went inside.
--
It was a long morning. There wasn't much to do; the loose ends of a case to tie up, and then cold cases and paperwork.
Gibbs barely said a word to anyone, and when he did, it was in a soft tone very unlike his usual gruff bark. McGee barely lifted his head from his desk.
Abby could not seem to decide where she wanted to be; the lab or upstairs with the others. She spent two solid hours riding up in the elevator, approaching the bullpen, and hurrying away again.
Tony couldn't concentrate. He glanced across at the empty desk. If he looked hard enough, he almost thought he could see Kate sitting there. Where she belonged. He made himself look away.
--
By the time the day had come to a close, they were all more than ready to go home. Tony didn't think he could handle it anymore; even being close to where she'd once sat was unbearable. He thought he could still smell her scent in the air, was certain he could feel her presence all around him.
Without saying goodbye to the others, he slung his bag over his shoulder and made a break for the elevator.
--
It was too much. The walls were closing in around him and loud, angry music was roaring in his ears, the product of his own stormy thoughts.
He shut down the elevator, using the emergency lever Gibbs was so fond of.
He leaned against the back wall and closed his eyes, letting his bag thud to the floor. Something was building up in his throat and he knew what it was. He also knew he wouldn't be able to stop it.
Seconds later, tears welled up in his eyes and began to roll down his cheeks. A cry erupted out of him and he sunk to the ground, shaking with pent-up rage and grief. Everything he had done his best to contain came pouring out as the images he'd been suppressing exploded in his vision.
Pain sent him onto his knees; rage sent his fist slamming into the wall.
"Why did you die, Kate?" he murmured, his voice cracking. "WHY?" he shouted. "Damnit, it should have been me!" He punched the wall again, harder, and fell back onto his heels, clutching the hand that now burned in pain.
He was trembling, sobbing, and he didn't care who heard. His throat was beginning to burn and he knew he should stop, but he couldn't.
Kate had been his partner, his best friend...his sister. She had meant the world to him. They hadn't always gotten along, but he wouldn't have had it any other way. The point was that when Tony needed Kate—really needed her—she was there. Even when he'd had the plague and she was at risk of getting it, too. She had his six...and he had her's.
But not now.
--
The coughing started. Then the choking as his scarred lungs searched desperately for air they could not find through tears.
Gasping, he hit the emergency switch again, reactivating the elevator. At the moment, he didn't care who saw him like this.
--
The doors opened.
"Tony."
He looked up and was not really surprised to find Gibbs, McGee, Abby, and Ducky all staring down at him, each face sporting an identical expression.
He was certain they'd heard everything, even more so when Gibbs hoisted him to his feet and guided him back to his desk, sitting him on top.
"Ducky, his hand."
The doctor gently took Tony's injured hand between both of his own.
"Abigail, bandages," the aged man ordered softly.
Abby reluctantly disappeared, returning what seemed like seconds later with a First Aid kit, which she wordlessly handed over.
Tony sat quietly while Ducky tended to his hand, staring straight ahead without really seeing anything. He'd managed to regain his self-control and stop crying; vaguely, he was aware of the others watching him carefully.
"DiNozzo."
"Yes, boss?" Tony looked up into Gibbs' piercing blue eyes as the man's hand fell onto his shoulder.
"You okay?"
Tony swallowed. He began to speak but fell into a sudden coughing fit instead. Gibbs' grip tightened.
"'M fine," he finally managed to say.
"No, you're not, Tony," Abby said, her eyes glistening. "None of us are."
Wordlessly, McGee put his arm around her. He took a deep breath and let it out through his nose.
"I don't…I don't know how to get through this," Tony said quietly. The vulnerability in his voice shocked all of them. It did not go unnoticed that his eyes were once more fixed on Kate's abandoned desk.
Gibbs sat down next to his senior field agent and lightly slapped his head, directing the man's attention sideways.
"Hey. We get through this as a team. Got it?"
Tony smiled slightly, both warmed and unnerved to detect a rare glint of sentiment in his superior's eyes. He nodded. His head felt heavy.
"Okay, boss."
Abby broke away from McGee and wrapped Tony in a tight hug.
"S'okay to cry," she whispered in his ear. Tony shut his eyes, afraid he might start to do just that all over again.
The group drew tighter together, their backs to Kate's desk but their thoughts filled with memories of the dark-haired woman. Tony sighed and heard it echo around him.
Goodbye, Kate.